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Original poster

What do you think of women who don't drink socially?

160 replies

Username2ElectricBoogaloo · 17/01/2021 23:45

Be brutally honest!

I'm 49, and have never enjoyed drinking. I hang out with three different social groups of women, and they all drink.

It's easier in lockdown, of course, but with one particular group, in pre-Covid times, I'd lie to get out of drinking, especially at lunchtime. Pretend I'd driven there. Pretend to be on antibiotics. Etc. Because they always demand a reason: "I'm not drinking" isn't enough.

A few days after New Year, I had a zoom with another group, and someone asked who was doing dry January. I was the only one to put my hand up. I explained that I've done dry all-year-round, pretty much - I didn't even drink over Christmas - and there was an uncomfortable silence. Why?

I enjoy my friends' company sober, but they can make me feel like an outcast for not wanting to slur my words, lose my balance, or wake up hung over. I feel socially unacceptable. What do you think?

(Don't tell me I need new friends! I can't dump absolutely everyone I know Grin)

OP posts:
onlyk · 18/01/2021 00:06

It could be because you’ve been making up various excuses why you’re not drinking people are asking/ you feel pressured.

I’ve had two friends who don’t drink one of which never had and just said exactly that and it doesn’t appeal to them to do so. I’m sure when you initially say people out of curiosity ask why but after that no more questions.

I know I’ve cut back over the last few years mainly as I picked up running and so I don’t feel like drinking as much. I’ve done a few no drinking nights out and didn’t drink over Christmas when asked I just say I don’t feel like it, usually as I plan to run the next day.

sararh · 18/01/2021 00:12

@TheBeesKnee

I enjoy my friends' company sober, but they can make me feel like an outcast for not wanting to slur my words, lose my balance, or wake up hung over. I feel socially unacceptable. What do you think?

I think you sound incredibly judgemental and a little bit tedious.

If your attitude comes across like this in real life such as it is right now then I can understand why people feel a bit awkward around you, especially when they're drunk and vulnerable.

Thank you!!

I couldn't put into words how I felt about OPs post, but this is it.

When I'm tipsy, I feel more comfortable around other tipsy people. Less judged, more convinced they're feeling as chilled and blase about things, and more likely to share with me their thoughts and opinions as I am with them.

When I'm with someone who is sober, I've honestly felt a combination of watched and guilty that they're not having as good a time, or may be mentally taking notes. It's not necessarily a fair judgement, but my experience of people who don't drink is that they do have negative opinions of people who do, and I think OP has accidentally given this away here.

Clymene · 18/01/2021 00:13

It's not weird that you're virtually teetotal. It's weird that you made a thing of it in a lighthearted conversation about dry January.

Original poster
Username2ElectricBoogaloo · 18/01/2021 00:13

@iamthewombat sorry, I've been misleading in my original post.

I don't enjoy drinking, but I do sometimes drink, occasionally, only ever socially, when I feel I have to to be polite, and the zoom group in no way think of me as teetotal because I will always accept a first glass and then very subtly avoid top-ups. So it isn't a case of "look at meeeeeee". I'll always take a bottle of something to give to the host at a party, etc, and try to hide my not-drinking as I feel embarrassed by it. Sorry for the confusion!

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 18/01/2021 00:14

I wouldn’t think anything. I’ve always known people who don’t drink or not much and it’s increasingly common.

I think the above PP might be right re the awkward moment on zoom.

Clymene · 18/01/2021 00:15

And really if you never drink, you don't have to make excuses like you're driving or on antibiotics or whatever. People would have noticed over the years.

Original poster
Username2ElectricBoogaloo · 18/01/2021 00:16

@TheBeesKnee I'm describing what happens to me when I drink, not to my friends: they can all handle their wine, but I can't. But thank you for the brutal honesty I asked for!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/01/2021 00:16

I don't think anything about people who choose not to drink. Good for them, their choice. I do, however, very much judge drunkenness and pathetic drunken behaviour. I absolutely despise it. I drink socially but know my limits and have no desire to make a total tit out of myself.

cinnabarmoth · 18/01/2021 00:16

Do you drink alcohol on some occasions OP? It sounds like you rarely or never drink, in which case I would say that to say you are doing dry January sounds a little strange - it's a thing to encourage people to stop drinking for a few weeks after a period of what for many is increased alcohol intake, which you can hardly do if you don't drink anyway! I wonder if saying you had been dry for nearly the whole year just made people feel awkward because it sounded like you were actively avoiding alcohol rather than just that you don't really drink?

My mum doesn't drink due to her medication, though she had pretty much stopped drinking some years before she started taking it. She also feels the need to explain herself or make excuses, and I always encourage her to answer as simply as possible without feeling like she has to explain - so to the offer of a drink, it's always 'no thank you' (or 'not today' if you sometimes drink), and if you're asked why, just say you don't really drink or don't feel like it. No more explanation than that. Anyone who presses it is being very rude IMO, and likely has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol to boot.

partyatthepalace · 18/01/2021 00:17

Oh I see. Why do you feel a need to hide it?? I think it’s you that has the problem not your mates. Why don’t you make 2021,the year you come out as a not really drinker. I expect there’s a word for it. Don’t apologise or explain, just say you rarely drink cos you’re not that into it Grin

AcornAutumn · 18/01/2021 00:17

OP before lockdown I was practically teetotal.

My best friend has been borderline alcoholic (functional) for about 20 years.

We don't even judge each other. I'm wondering if you either hang around with some oddballs or you have difficulty setting boundaries?

No one should pressure anyone to drink.

friendlyflicka · 18/01/2021 00:17

@sararh When you are sober, your friends getting drunk is boring. I have been on both sides of the situation.

And I do think if you feel watched and guilty, then that is your issue and not their fault.

Original poster
Username2ElectricBoogaloo · 18/01/2021 00:18

I wish I'd written my original post differently.

I don't never-ever drink. I drink socially, as little as I can get away with, because I'm often made to feel I have to, and there are only so many times I can excuse myself from it. I just really don't enjoy it.

OP posts:
sararh · 18/01/2021 00:18

[quote friendlyflicka]@sararh When you are sober, your friends getting drunk is boring. I have been on both sides of the situation.

And I do think if you feel watched and guilty, then that is your issue and not their fault.[/quote]
Yes, I would hate to watch my friends get drunk while that I was sober. That is why I feel guilty - because I can imagine myself in their shoes. When did I say it was their fault?

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 18/01/2021 00:19

I don't care what's in other people's glasses and I don't know why other people do. However YWBU to go on about how you never drink in response to "who's doing dry january" that was awkward and virtue-signally.

sararh · 18/01/2021 00:21

"A few days after New Year, I had a zoom with another group, and someone asked who was doing dry January. I was the only one to put my hand up. I explained that I've done dry all-year-round, pretty much - and there was an uncomfortable silence. Why?"

"the zoom group in no way think of me as teetotal because I will always accept a first glass"

Well, maybe there was an awkward silence because you told a group of people who know you aren't teetotal that you were teetotal all year round?

So they'd be thinking "hmm".

Changechangychange · 18/01/2021 00:23

If your friends are in their late 40s too, and genuinely do regularly drink to the point of falling over and slurring their words at lunchtime (and that isn’t just the judgemental teetotaller in you talking), you really need new friends.

If they are just having a glass of wine together over lunch and you are behaving as if they are all alcoholics, I would still find yourself a new group of friends, but for slightly different reasons Grin

And I say that as somebody who very rarely drinks - a small glass of wine once a month or so.

bluecheesefan · 18/01/2021 00:24

my experience of people who don't drink is that they do have negative opinions of people who do, and I think the OP has accidentally given this away here

With respect, I disagree. I too am a non-drinker and I don't judge people for drinking at all. In fact what makes me uncomfortable is the sidelong 'oh-ho' glances I get from people when I tell them I don't drink. I can tell that they are uncomfortable in my presence, but it isn't my fault they feel that way. You can see they are wondering whether you are either an alcoholic or someone who just plain disapproves and is teetotal for that reason. They don't seem to realise that there are other reasons for not drinking. Mine is that even a thimbleful makes me feel horrible. One HCP told me that it is probably a food intolerance thing. Say that though, and they go all tight-lipped and are even more convinced that I have an 'issue' with people drinking. I don't. I miss it though!

Tinty · 18/01/2021 00:36

When I'm tipsy, I feel more comfortable around other tipsy people. Less judged, more convinced they're feeling as chilled and blase about things, and more likely to share with me their thoughts and opinions as I am with them.

When I'm with someone who is sober, I've honestly felt a combination of watched and guilty that they're not having as good a time, or may be mentally taking notes. It's not necessarily a fair judgement, but my experience of people who don't drink is that they do have negative opinions of people who do, and I think OP has accidentally given this away here.

I don’t drink and I don’t have negative opinions of people who do. I think this is just your own insecurity. Nearly everyone I know drinks and post on Facebook about having a cheeky Gin or wine etc. I don’t judge them, I might say I’m having a way too big box of chocolates or something as my treat and no one cares.

When I was younger I was always the designated driver when I went out with my friends, I never thought badly of them and they never ever pressured me to drink.

Like others have said, this year you need to just not drink when you go out if you don’t want to. They will get used to it and it won’t matter anymore. Don’t drink just because of peer pressure, that is madness.

LucyLockdown · 18/01/2021 00:42

I don’t drink. It used to be far less socially acceptable than it is now. I don’t think my friends think anything of it and I am not the only one that doesn’t drink even though others drink to excess.

I find that the main problems come from me - I don’t enjoy being around drunk people. I find drinking culture really weird and cringey (the whole thing with women and gin for example). And I worry more than I probably should about the amount that friends drink and rely on alcohol (especially recently) and think of as normal. I try to hide all this but I’m probably not always 100% successful. For example, a friend asked in a group chat about her lockdown drinking and whether it was normal and I said it sounded like she was really relying on the wine at the end of the day and maybe she could cut back by not drinking in the week and then everyone else jumped in to say it was totally normal and not to worry and she ‘deserved’ that wine and so on and I felt like a right knob. So there are compatibility issues with it even in the best friendship where both sides are trying hard to be kind and respectful.

LizDiz · 18/01/2021 00:43

I think your not comfortable with your drinking and that's coming across to your friends. Why not own the fact you don't want to drink instead of all the subterfuge.

Quaagars · 18/01/2021 00:46

I wouldn't mind, I'd think good for you!
Being brutally honest, like you asked for, when I was younger and in my twenties I was more like "what you not drinking for? Ah g'wan" Mrs Doyle style and think it was boring not to.

1 - I was a knobhead
2 - I was drinking loads myself and obviously couldn't comprehend not everyone is like me Hmm

Anyways, I'm rambling lol but no, you do you and screw what anyone else thinks.
If they do have a problem they're probably uncomfortable at questioning their own drinking or something.

CommanderBurnham · 18/01/2021 00:46

My closest circle of girlfriends don't drink. Ever. I do. It's a bit boring but I go drinking with other friends and family. I certainly don't judge them and they certainly don't judge me. Different friendships will have different dynamics.

sararh · 18/01/2021 00:51

@Tinty

*When I'm tipsy, I feel more comfortable around other tipsy people. Less judged, more convinced they're feeling as chilled and blase about things, and more likely to share with me their thoughts and opinions as I am with them.*

When I'm with someone who is sober, I've honestly felt a combination of watched and guilty that they're not having as good a time, or may be mentally taking notes. It's not necessarily a fair judgement, but my experience of people who don't drink is that they do have negative opinions of people who do, and I think OP has accidentally given this away here.

I don’t drink and I don’t have negative opinions of people who do. I think this is just your own insecurity. Nearly everyone I know drinks and post on Facebook about having a cheeky Gin or wine etc. I don’t judge them, I might say I’m having a way too big box of chocolates or something as my treat and no one cares.

When I was younger I was always the designated driver when I went out with my friends, I never thought badly of them and they never ever pressured me to drink.

Like others have said, this year you need to just not drink when you go out if you don’t want to. They will get used to it and it won’t matter anymore. Don’t drink just because of peer pressure, that is madness.

It totally depends on the person. The non-drinkers I personally know are like this, and they are all I can speak for.

I know this is quite infantile, but when I'm on an evening out and I find out someone doesn't drink, I'm kind of disappointed because I know they most likely won't be doing anything uncharacteristically outlandish (and hilarious) like dancing to the rattlin' bog on the table or spilling any salacious gossip they would otherwise have kept under the lid or enter into a slurring philosophical debate with the next table.

A night of sensible conversation is on the cards, that we could have had (and probably have had) in the office.

EBearhug · 18/01/2021 00:55

It's easier to not drink now than it used to be. There are lots more options for non-alcoholic drinks (though I'm quite happy with a pint of tap water.) I have had friends in the past who refused to get me water at the bar if they were getting a round in. These days, they ask me if they can have a lift. (Or at least, back in the old days when we were allowed out.)

I just realised one day in my late 20s (am now late 40s) that I preferred the taste of non-alcoholic drinks, which is the main reason I stopped. There is a host of other reasons, including an alcoholic mother, but taste is the main one.