What do you think of women who don't drink socially?

[Username2ElectricBoogaloo]

Be brutally honest!

I'm 49, and have never enjoyed drinking. I hang out with three different social groups of women, and they all drink.

It's easier in lockdown, of course, but with one particular group, in pre-Covid times, I'd lie to get out of drinking, especially at lunchtime. Pretend I'd driven there. Pretend to be on antibiotics. Etc. Because they always demand a reason: "I'm not drinking" isn't enough.

A few days after New Year, I had a zoom with another group, and someone asked who was doing dry January. I was the only one to put my hand up. I explained that I've done dry all-year-round, pretty much - I didn't even drink over Christmas - and there was an uncomfortable silence. Why?

I enjoy my friends' company sober, but they can make me feel like an outcast for not wanting to slur my words, lose my balance, or wake up hung over. I feel socially unacceptable. What do you think?

(Don't tell me I need new friends! I can't dump absolutely everyone I know )

Australian here. As a mostly non- or sometimes light drinker, I feel for you, OP.

I once ended an important friendship because alcohol had got the better of her. I'd volunteered as designated driver, looked after her as she binged and threw up in garbage bins, driven her home. Endured endless boring Saturday nights for the sake of the friendship, which was great during the week when she was sober. It was one long-ago NYE when, as I drove her and her visiting American mates to a pub where they intended to "get wasted" and they blasted me (while still sober) for being "so fucking boring", that I decided to discontinue things. Still sad about it, tho.

It's surprised me that anyone even cares what anyone else thinks about whether you drink or not.

I'm in my early 30s and rarely drink. Although for the last 4 or so years, I've either been pregnant or breastfeeding which is pretty self explanatory.
I think the only time I can recall was my boss getting some drinks for us at an event a few years ago:
"What would you like?"
"A diet coke please"
"Just a coke? Don't you drink?"
"Er, not really. Very occasionally. Maybe one at a wedding or something".

I can't even imagine commenting on whether anyone else was drinking or not, or being commented on.
Maybe your lack of drinking makes them feel bad/unhealthy in some way?

I think that @ sararh has demonstrated perfectly why it is that so many people feel pressured to drink.

I am teetotal. Have never liked the taste, and more latterly I am on medication for a serious heart condition which means I couldn’t drink anyway.

When I was younger people used to continue on and on about it. I even had someone say once that they’d love to spike my drinks to see what I was like when drunk. Mind you at the office Christmas do where we got 5 vouchers each for the bar plenty of people were happy to buy me soft drinks in exchange for my vouchers so they could get free alcoholic ones.

But I have never been a conformist and I have never felt the urge or the pressure to drink. Anyone who feels guilty or that they’re not going to have as good a time with someone who is sober honestly says far more about them than it does about me.

Most people I know drink but not to excess. My DP likes a beer or two as do friends of ours. My parents will have a glass of wine and my dad will have a few beers. My eXH likes a couple of glasses of wine. So what. They don’t drink to excess and they don’t expect me to drink.

But anyone who feels that someone who doesn’t drink won’t fit in with their night out clearly has a dependency on alcohol if they feel the urge to be drunk and judgemental of someone who isn’t.

Of course there are going to be people who don’t drink for moral reasons and who might expect the people around them not to drink. But equally it’s perfectly possible to have a decent and fun night out without having to rely on alcohol to do it. If you can’t, then maybe you should ask yourself why that is.

Apologies, poorly worded above:
It's surprised me that anyone even cares whether you drink or not.

I have a number of friends who drink rarely or not at all, for various reasons: some don’t like it, some have low alcohol tolerance, one was previously an alcoholic. No problem my side. I have also recently started to drink a lot less as my alcohol tolerance has gone down a lot with perimenopause and I can’t be bothered any more with hangovers.

Pressure from either side annoys me. I hate it when someone gets preachy about the evils of drinking, and I equally hate it when someone tries to pressure me to drink when I‘ve said no. TBH your friends sound a bit annoying OP, you’re not obliged to drink for ANY reason if you choose not to.

I don’t care whether anybody else drinks or not. It doesn’t change my opinion of you.

I have noticed that some people who drink a lot really want others to join in. A few times when I’ve just been drinking soft drinks (and haven’t mentioned anything about not drinking alcohol) people have questioned me about what I’m drinking and tried to get me to drink alcohol. It’s strange.

I'm tee-total and have never tried alcohol, so I don't think anything of others who don't drink.

I grew up in Spain where it was almost impossible as a teenager to have any friends or social life if you didn't drink. Bullying was the acceptable reaction to 'no thank you, I don't drink'.

I then lived in the UK for a number of years and now in a different country, oh my goodness what a change in attitude. People don't care so much. I've been able to find my tribe and most people don't bat an eyelid. In my industry it's normal fo stay for (several) drinks 4-5 days in a row each week, the drinking culture is quite extended. I still don't get many questions with the exception of Spanish and sometimes French colleagues, who still don't understand why I don't drink

OP I have huge pressure to drink socially through work and have had a couple of not so nice ex partners question/put pressure on me drinking.

I drank at uni and I’m not against drinking necessarily, I just don’t like it much and don’t see the point in it, it’s also an expensive way to make yourself feel shit 24 hours later.

With work events I used to pretend I was drinking spirits. Pathetic really! But yes colleagues would mock me, tell me I needed to relax and generally beg me to drink with them. It’s all quite boring!

These days with friends I’m just blunt about it and none of them are bothered. The UK drinking culture is fast becoming a thing of the past.

Wouldn't cross my head (other than if you were coming round in normal times I'd want to get something in you'd like to drink). Am friends with people who enjoy massive nights out and others who drink very rarely. Enjoy all their company very much

I do think your messages to your friends around alcohol might feel confusing to them though with all the appearing you're drinking more than you actually are sometimes and describing yourself as almost teetotal at others. I think that might lead people to want to check/offer more than they might otherwise because they don't really know what you want.

I'd be tempted to stick with something very straightforward like 'alcohol doesn't really agree with me' or 'I'll just have one, thank you' then smile and change subject.

They are uncomfortable because they will likely say/do stupid things when drunk and you’ll be perfectly compus mentus and remember it without having embarrassed yourself at all (usually!).

It sounds like drinking and being tipsy is a big part of their reason for socialising. It’s just not the same without it and not the same if someone else isn’t joining in.

I don’t drink and I have come across both types of friends - those who are perfectly secure in themselves and don’t give a toss if I’m drinking or not, and those who are insecure and generally speaking have a bit of a school girl mentality where everyone isn’t be group has to be doing the same thing or you can’t really be friends. No point wasting time (mine or theirs) with the second group. But can still socialise in non -drinking situations eg spas or sports or lunches.

isn’t be = in the*

I'm 50 and don't drink regularly. I have alcohol two or three times year if that. I just don't really like the taste so I don't bother. Some people who have alcohol regularly find it odd when I mention it. But mostly people don't think anything of it

I don’t drink and haven’t for years. New people always seem to want to convert me, they just don’t understand. I don’t really see the problem I am designated driver, I still go out and have a good time, it doesn’t impact on them negatively. I don’t sit there trying to find out why they do drink. Very odd.

I know both those who do and those who don’t.

I think there is a stereotype on one side that “sober people are dull and don’t know how to have fun” and on the other side “drunk people are loud and embarrassing “. Neither is entirely true or false. I have never judged on this and socialise with both groups. We all seem to manage well enough.

I wouldn’t think any of it but I know some people have weird expectations about other people an alcohol.

Dry January is about giving up alcohol for January. If you don’t drink then you can’t do dry January - maybe they were just confused by this.

I am one. It's perfectly fine. You don't need alcohol to enjoy yourself.

I actually think it's note concerning how many people feel pressured to socially drink. It's almost like a habit to some, and one I don't fully understand.

I used to drink, typical young person out every weekend kinda thing. Then I moved into my own place and wasn't out every weekend due to money being tighter and enjoying things like movie nights etc instead. Then I had kids, a few hangovers with a little one around was enough to show me drinking really isn't worth it, my tolerance to drink was lower after pregnancy.

So I kinda gave up on drink, without even meaning to. Very, very occasionally I will have a cider or similar out in the garden in the summer but it's not something I will go out my way to get.

The same thing happened to DP.

It's rubbing it in OP, that's why they were all silent. There was no need to put your hand up and say that you are dry all year round, it's tone deaf.

Disclaimer, I am pretty much tea total but used to love a drink pre kids.

It wouldn't bother me at all. However, i am
aware of massive peer pressure in some groups to drink. Some people who drink are boring and some people who don't are great fun. I like fun people. One girl i used to see in couples always fell asleep and cried and i'd get stuck with her!

Infact i have one friend who i actively support in her not drinking as she feels it isn't good for her and makes her anxiety worse.

I do a much wider and more interesting range of activities with any none drinking friends!

I'd be truthful about your reasons if asked and not make stuff up. Be breezy and say you have just as much fun without. But also be quite firm its not a discussion point and steer conversations away. If they take issue they aren't real friends. And it will be about their lack of confidence to buck any trend.

I am usually jealous of their resolve! I don't drink during the week anyway, but in the (old days!) of going out at the weekend I would find it difficult to resist if everyone around me were enjoying a nice cold glass of something!

Don't care. Wouldn't give it much thought. I don't drink loads though.

You need different friends!

I'm nearly 60 and other than the very occasional drink (eg a couple of sips of champagne during toasts at weddings) I haven't drunk for over 35 years.

No one has ever made me feel uncomfortable.

I dont have a view one way or another.
Its just something they don't do,
It doesn't make any difference to me.

I enjoy my friends' company sober, but they can make me feel like an outcast for not wanting to slur my words, lose my balance, or wake up hung over. I feel socially unacceptable. What do you think?

A couple of drinks doesn’t make me slur my words, lose my balance, or give me a hangover. That sounds a little judgemental.

I don’t drink but I don’t have groups of friends either, I have a couple female friends and many male friends. I occasionally go for a drink with one friend but I’m always driving so I don’t drink, we usually eat out and she’s not bothered that I don’t drink. Most of my friends I share hobbies with so we do those or drink tea 😂. Maybe you need to find some different friends who do other things rather than drinking?