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Original poster

I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

347 replies

WhataNCnelly · 14/01/2021 23:22

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhataNCnelly · 14/01/2021 23:24

Every time I think about the fact I don’t have these things in my life I feel sick all over again. I am so sad.

OP posts:
fingersdoublecrossed · 14/01/2021 23:26

What makes you say you're past the point of having it?

Sheleg · 14/01/2021 23:27

How old are you? Surely it isn't too late to get the life you dream of.

lostinthoughts · 14/01/2021 23:27

I am so sorry. I have no words of wisdom or advice, other than the fact I didn't want to read and run. You have been so honest and are honest to yourself, which is often half the battle. Don't write yourself off, life can change in the blink of an eye and not everyone's life conforms to the standard milestones.

bellissimiaow · 14/01/2021 23:29

How old are you op and what sort of things have you done in the past to find a partner?

Bunchup · 14/01/2021 23:29

Oh, OP. Don't be sad Flowers

Original poster
WhataNCnelly · 14/01/2021 23:30

Its too late as I’m too old now and even with a marriage I wouldn’t have the luxury of a long engagement or the steady steps of moving in, buying a home etc. Those things would have to happen at lightening speed and realistically aren’t going to now, I’ve been single five years already.

I just don’t know how to accept it. It feels like living in turmoil these days. I’m so sad.

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 14/01/2021 23:30

Just sending you a handhold because I don’t want to read and run. Flowers

fallfallfall · 14/01/2021 23:30

how old are you? honestly i've known people in their mid 40's to find the first love of their lives. and people in their 50's and 60's to meet loving partners.

RainbowL2020 · 14/01/2021 23:30

Hi OP How old are you? .. regardless of how old you are really why isn't there still a possibility you will have what you want one day? Could you explain a bit more please x

Original poster
WhataNCnelly · 14/01/2021 23:31

Maybe I would meet someone later in life but I won’t be having the partner and the family. I feel sick typing that but also relieved to be able to admit it. I try not to mope around people or friends as I want to be happy for them. But inside I am a completely crumbled mess. It doesn’t seem fair.

OP posts:
Robbybobtail · 14/01/2021 23:32

Surely it’s never late to have a relationship? I know having a family may be difficult depending on your age but it doesn’t mean you’re going to grow old alone.

Original poster
WhataNCnelly · 14/01/2021 23:32

I will be 38 on Sunday. I can’t believe this is my life, what a mess I have made.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 14/01/2021 23:34

I'm a single mum, and had my DS late. I was with ds's dad for 6 years before the relationship failed. Now I live with my DS and I can honestly say I have never been this happy.

Yes, Ideally I would have liked a partner but I'm just enjoying having DS around. I can't imagine life without him.

There's no real reason not to do it on your own if you are financially secure. DS isca happy child and has enriched my life more than I can say, so don't discount it. Indulge yourself and try to imagine how it could be. Maybe it isn't for you, but at least think about it. Brew

Bunchup · 14/01/2021 23:34

How old are you OP? Please don't say 35 or I'll feel cross at having wasted my sympathy.

Original poster
WhataNCnelly · 14/01/2021 23:34

I feel distraught tonight. I’m just sobbing like some lunatic. I can’t cope with it anymore. I have sent so many engagement cards, new baby cards, wedding gifts, new home presents ... I’ve never had any of these things and what I’m mostly angry about is why didn’t I just settle for someone? I did have a chance and I lost interest and focused on my work and kept dating. I don’t think I was too picky but if I am honest I could have just put my doubts to one side and carried on with someone and hoped for the best, hidden my doubts. It’s all my fault.

OP posts:
ReallySpicyCurry · 14/01/2021 23:34

Honestly it depends how old you are.

If you're 35 it's far from over

45...well you might not be able to have your own children, but you could still have everything else.

Blueskysunsout · 14/01/2021 23:35

I’m really sorry for you feeling like this.
You never know what is round the corner see for you. You could meet someone any time and things could fall into place. Don’t grieve for a future that hasn’t happened yet.
How old are you? I have a friend that never settled and met someone and had a child at the age of 44. It gave me hope. (I’ll not say my story it’s your post)

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 14/01/2021 23:36

Oh my god, I thought you were going to say you were retirement age! You're in your 30s! Plenty of people meet 'the one' in their 30s,
It's completely normal.

Bunchup · 14/01/2021 23:36

Cross posted - 38? Plenty of time. Life is longer than you think. And shorter, but that's a story for another day.

partyatthepalace · 14/01/2021 23:36

I am sorry you are feeling so sad. I suspect though you can have some of what you want, even if not everything. You can find a partner at any age, and you can also adopt pretty late on (a single friend of mine is just adopting a baby).

I think you need a forum to work through these feelings so you can start building a life. Can you organise some counselling??

Blueskysunsout · 14/01/2021 23:37

It’s NOT your fault. You’ve done what you felt was right at the time for you.

Original poster
WhataNCnelly · 14/01/2021 23:37

I am 38 on Sunday. Everyone - colleagues, friends, media - says at 35 your time is basically up for a family. I’m years past that now. I just don’t know how to get my head around it all. I know it sounds silly but when I think about it I feel actual shock each time... how did this happen? My veins run a bit cold and I hate myself for not just going along with a past relationship which I could have done. I could have just hidden my reservations and so what if I wasn’t actually in love. Who did I think I was looking for that, a companion wound have been good enough.

OP posts:
lavenderlove · 14/01/2021 23:37

From reading your OP I just knew you were 37/38. Ok you don't have all the time in the world and maybe you don't get to have the order of living together, long engagement then married then kids but you are not written off!! I still think you can have all the things you want just maybe in a different order

RainbowL2020 · 14/01/2021 23:38

OP you are not too late! Everything happens at different times for different people for different reasons and there is still time to meet someone and have a family you just need to be open to it and don't shut it down in your mind ❤️ my best friend met the love of her life at 40 and I'm sure they will spend another 40+ years together. I know the feeling to well of longing for all of the things you speak of.. my 20's were a shambles and everyone seemed to be living the life I had always wanted but it's not always what it seems. Some ended up splitting up and getting divorced feeling totally lost later down the line but you have the opportunity of knowing exactly what it is out of life you need/want you just have to go out and get it 😉 x

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