I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

[WhataNCnelly]

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

38 is not too late. I just noticed your age.
You need to focus on finding a partner. I’m useless at this so I’m sure someone can give you tips.
Please don’t feel like this honestly you can have most of what you want if not all. Xx

OP I think - honestly - if you are truly past the point of kids being a possibility then that’s very rough. I would say treat it as akin to grief. You are allowed to mourn the life you didn’t have. Could you see a counsellor to help you with that? Don’t write off your pain but equally don’t write off your future (even if it’s different to what you thought it would be and what you ideally wanted) and try to take steps toward some kind of fulfilling and happy life, whatever that might be. Hard work to get through it but you need to. I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful. Things can get better.

How is 38 plenty of time to meet someone, form a relationship, move in, buy a house, get married, have a family? It’s not. Even forgetting house buying or marriage, there’s still no time for most of it. I’m 38... two years from 40. That’s barely any time at all.

Cross posted here.

OP, 38 really is not to old to have a family, even if you needed help with that. I think you need to crack on and get some counselling to sort out why you’ve got yourself in a miserable state - you don’t want to be regretting not sorting yourself out in 10 years time.

I think some therapy to help you let go of the jealousy would be helpful op. I'm afraid life is never perfect. FWIW I shared a bottle of wine with a friend once on her 40th birthday. She was a sobbing dribble mess due to no man, dc and grizzle. By the time she was 43 she had got married and had two dc with a 13 month gap and also adored her grown-up steps. 24 years on and all that jazz!

What do you want most from life? If it's a child, have you considered going it alone?

Handhold OP

I get it. I’ve felt exactly the same way. It’s like a tunnel of darkness crushing you from all sides. I felt the bitterness. I used to describe it as “Disney lied”

You do come out the other side. I’m not going to placate you and say “being single is great! think of the remote control, you can have long baths...”. It’s not great. It’s an existence which is ok, but certainly not the one you dreamed about.
But it will get better. You’ll sometimes feel that hard lump in your chest where you just want to scream suddenly in Sainsbury’s because it’s just NOT FAIR.

But they’ll come less and less.

Hugs to you. And look after yourself. Cry if you need to.

Agree its totally not your faukt and very understandable to be angry at life

But 37 and nearly 38 is still loads of time

@partyatthepalace worked out how to tag.

It feels too late. Everywhere I look and read it’s 35 and that’s that. I know some people do manage it but I am sure lots don’t and they’re the statistics you don’t hear about first hand but see on an NHS website. It’s all my fault , I am the maker of this.

I don’t want to have to date and have lots more nervous meetings and getting ready to go out, I just wanted a cosy and happy relationship. I am so unbelievably far away from that and a friend said most men would be scared of me now as they’d assume I wanted a child ASAP. I feel hopeless.

It takes weeks to buy a house.
You could meet someone any time and really hit it off with them. He may have a house, you could stay in yours for a while, when or if you have a child they will be at the wedding as is often the case these days. There is no written rule book of they way things must be done.

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this

I understand a little because I had my much longed-for family life but only for a few years; then DH got sick and then he died. Often I am living a hideous exhausting parody of the family life I used to have. I find lone parenting lonelier than the very (now very very!) brief moments I get by myself. But I won’t go on about that because it’s not fair you haven’t (yet) has children.

It doesn’t seem fair because it isn’t. You didn’t get anything wrong. You don’t deserve to feel like this

I struggle with bitterness too. My friends’ husbands are all alive - why was it me and why in our 30s? Why was everything spoiled so soon?

I can’t see joy around the corner for me, but I can always see it for other people, including you. Try to stay hopeful and if you can’t do that, just keep on. Things can still change.

38?

Right, you don't have all the time in the world, but you've a fairly good chunk of it.

Do you do online dating? I know it can be a cesspit but you might as well throw what you can at it. Covid might make a lot of people reevaluate what you want and there may be men who are open to having a family than they were this time last year.

I'm probably not the best person to ask for advice, but I'd keep a wary eye on the inevitable creeps and then I'd be really blunt with the promising ones, that you want marriage and a baby sooner rather than later.

I'd ask friends and colleagues if they know of any likely single blokes.

I know it's probably not great for your dignity, but there's really no shame in saying you want marriage and children and there's no shame in being open about how the current situation is upsetting you and not what you would have chosen for yourself.

I find opening up and being honest and a bit vulnerable can work as a bit of a softener in other people.

If you fire everything you can at dating, you could in the meantime get a fertility MOT and look into alternative ways of having a child via adoption or sperm donation if you think it's something you'd be interested in.

Good luck - I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish, but don't give up just yet. You're still a good stretch away from calling it a day entirely. You've still a chance - don't waste it by thinking it's all over and there is no point in trying any more

You're right - it is too late to do it in the rigid way you had planned

So do it the 38 year old way 🤷‍♀️

Buy some sperm, have a baby. Have a short shagathon with someone handsome enough you think has good genes, have a baby.

Have the baby first.

Then meet a bloke later (there's ALWAYS blokes, even when you're 90).

You've very few years of baby making so if you really want one, JUST HAVE ONE.

Oh OP I feel your pain and totally understand the frustration and bitterness you are feeling. I'm there too, its unfair and I spend a lot of time wondering what I did wrong. I'm well aware that if I dropped dead it'd take me missing work for anyone to notice. The loneliness is suffocating.

However, 38 is not past it. You have plenty of time for your life to change for the better.

@LaurieFairyCake what do you mean just try and have one with someone random? That feels hopeless too. I don’t know.

It’s a funny age in my opinion. I got married at 39. Couldn’t have children but have come to terms with it. I think at that age you focus on where you think you should be. It’s such a big focus for a female. And it gets bigger each birthday. You have to concentrate on the good things that you do have. Good friends, a nice job, close family etc. You’ve a long future ahead of you and plenty that could happen yet.

Ps, I settled. Hid my reservations, thought I’d get married and have a family. He cheated! It wasn’t worth it! I’m much happier with my husband, who is right for me.

Your friend is not nice saying that. How unthoughtful of her. Men may think that and they may not, and how do you know that a man won’t be looking for a mother for a child. Men have put of settling too.

I can think of at least 4 friends who met their partner in their late 30s and all have DCs. I think they'd agree the timeline sped up a bit and you'd have to make sure you're on the same wavelength earlier than you'd probably like, but it is still definitely possible.

Best of luck, you sound lovely and I hope it works out for you

At 38 you’ve got time, but not time to waste moping! Get out there. Be intentional and open about what you want. Use dating sites and don’t be coy.
Saying I’m 38 and really want to find a life partner and start a family will sound great to a man who is looking for the same thing. It will turn of men looking for something casual and that’s just perfect because they are a waste if your time.

Don’t sit there waiting for opportunity to knock on your door or fall out of the sky. Go knock on someone’s door and be their opportunity! There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Your desires are normal and you aren’t too old.

@tunnocksreturns2019

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this

I understand a little because I had my much longed-for family life but only for a few years; then DH got sick and then he died. Often I am living a hideous exhausting parody of the family life I used to have. I find lone parenting lonelier than the very (now very very!) brief moments I get by myself. But I won’t go on about that because it’s not fair you haven’t (yet) has children.

It doesn’t seem fair because it isn’t. You didn’t get anything wrong. You don’t deserve to feel like this

I struggle with bitterness too. My friends’ husbands are all alive - why was it me and why in our 30s? Why was everything spoiled so soon?

I can’t see joy around the corner for me, but I can always see it for other people, including you. Try to stay hopeful and if you can’t do that, just keep on. Things can still change.

@ReallySpicyCurry I have dated. I was speaking to someone recently who is keen to settle down. He’s nice. I just feel exhausted at the prospect of having to meet him and see what happens and then have something not work out again. I just feel like I’ve tried and it hasn’t worked. Why would it now. In reality it probably won’t and I’m old, I’m at the end of the road for a family.

Laurie means use a sperm doner. Have a baby now if that’s what you think you want. When I split up with my cheating ex I saw a counsellor and she said exactly that when I was saying I’d never meet anyone else in time to have a baby. You could have a baby if you wanted whether you’re in a relationship or not..

And I see @LaurieFairyCake point. If you want a baby have one.
I am with a lovely man who is it the father of my dc. I settled marriage was shit so I left. The man is shit father who continues to cause annoyance and gives me grief most weeks and will do forever as we have the tie of children. The grass isnt always greener.

Sorry you’re feeling so low. There’s been lots of good advice on here so I just wanted to mention a book, The Midnight Library (Matt Haig), a novel all about regrets, what ifs and the life you feel you should have had. It’s quite an easy read but uplifting and a little therapeutic I think.

I’m the same age as you, and I still think it’s possible for you to get what you want in life.

I know I sound whiny and defeatist. I never used to be this way. I was stronger. I just can’t believe that this is my life. I blame myself. I am desperately lonely and I fill my days to the brim with distractions.

I honestly cannot imagine feeling close to a man ever again.