I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

[WhataNCnelly]

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

There ARE always blokes if you want one. Never a truer word.

There's something to be said for meeting one post baby. I was a single mother when I met DH and actually it was great for our relationship as DD's dad wasn't in the picture, so I got all the benefits of having a partner around without the crash course in how not to kill each other at 4am when the baby won't sleep. It's fine. Honestly. And being a single mother was fine too. No matter what way you do life there'll always be hard bits and unexpected bits. And most things in life you can change at some point but your fertility isn't one of them, once it's gone it's gone. In your shoes I'd absolutely have the baby, frankly.

What do you want? I mean, really, what do you want most?
If it’s a partner actively search for one. I know plenty of people who’ve met husbands on match.com or similar.
If it’s a baby then you’ve a good 5 years left. Going it alone is an option, which leaves you time to find the husband later. Likewise, adoption is an option.
Find your first priority and go for it. Or else decide to prioritise what you have.
Either way, the first step is to decide whether you want. I say this as someone who has felt similar but for opposite reasons (I prioritised marriages -2- and dc and mourn the career I “should” have had, but at the same time don’t want to compromise what I have). Do you mind compromising your career/ financial well-being? If that’s not holding you back, go after what you want.

You are not in a good head space.

Regarding the nice man keen to settle down. Are you attracted to him? If yes, make the effort. If no, move on and look for someone who makes you want to make the effort.

In my experience, Prince Charming doesn’t come knock on your door. You have to be engaged in life, meeting lots of people.

Get yourself on online dating, make it clear in your profile what you're looking for and see what happens. There are men that feel the same as you. I met my dp when I was 39 and he was 43. He'd never been married, no kids, feeling quite low about life in general and worried it had passed him by. We hit it off straight away and now live together and are planning a lovely future together. I don't know where you're reading that 35 is too late but it's not at all.

A good friend of mine was in exactly the same boat as you in her late 30s, met a friends brother, 3 years later they had a child, a house and were married.

I’m 10y ahead of you OP. No it didn’t work for me either no matter how hard I wished or tried. There are times over the years that have been harder than others. But it’s a constant grief that pops up when you least expect it.

Now couples around talk about retirement plans and look forward to grandchildren’s and there will be another layer of hurt again. I think society tends to make you feel that it’s some personal flaw especially for women.

I don’t have any magic advice, not everyone can have an amazing career or high flying lifestyle. Or run a donkey sanctuary or threw themselves to another passions to fill the void. All you can do is find small things that make you happy and try not to let envy turn you into someone bitter.

No one tells little girls that when they grow up they may not have children or ever find love and will be lonely all their life. It is a shock if it happens to you and it’s ok to be sad about that

Yes, so much choice on the internet of sperm donors

You buy

You defrost

Baby 👶

@ReallySpicyCurry that’s my point though really, it feels exactly like it is gone. I’ve had fertility checks and been told it’s all ok but they can’t say for sure until you try. It’s less likely than ten years ago isn’t it.

I know I sound whiny and defeatist. I never used to be this way. I was stronger. I just can’t believe that this is my life.

I feel this too. But with a completely opposite situation. And I’ve mostly come to terms with it now, but at 5 years younger than me you don’t need to if you choose not too.

good lord OP.. you're 38 🥰. I thought you were like my age OLD.. your so young and have time my lovely...

Personally I'd be steering away from friends that are telling you that your time is up .. so so not true....

Relax.. don't over think and listen to these posters... they have good advice ... 🌺

@Howmanysleepsnow in 5 years I will be 43! From what I read online most struggle after 35 and by 38 you’re very lucky.

Better no one than the wrong one OP. So many unhappy people on MM with very sad stories of being let down. you have to turn this around in your head. Can you think of it as being that you have managed to avoid landing in a miserable, unhappy, possibly abusive relationship?

I honestly thought you were going to say your age as 50 something. In your 30s is still relatively young.

Which bit is your priority right now house, partner or child? Maybe pick one for your focus - it’s overwhelming if you try to do it all at once. If you want to make it happen you can. You have said yourself - if you had given it focus earlier in life you would have built this for yourself.
Be gentle on yourself - we are all struggling these days and you sound like you need a confidence boost to know you have the power to make this happen. A therapist may be able to guide you but whatever you decide sometimes life is about diving in and taking a few chances to see what happens. Good luck and know this is the start of you owning you life decisions. Part of getting something is deciding on what you want.

OP a friend of mine was single for most of her 30s. She met someone at 38, had a baby at 39 and another at 41.

I agree with a PP that therapy could help pull you out of this all consuming sadness.

How is 38 plenty of time to meet someone, form a relationship, move in, buy a house, get married, have a family? It’s not.

My friend literally did this . She was 38 and I remember her telling me confidently 'this time next year I'll be preggers'.
Then she literally met someone, was engaged in six weeks, got married, got pregnant on honeymoon. The baby is one now and they seem like a blissfully happy family.

Sounds crazy, I know. Maybe she's studied The Secret or something 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know loads of people who’ve had babies (naturally) in their 40’s. Yes fertility decreases but there’s still a good chance you’ll be fine, especially if you’ve had checks and they’ve come back fine.

You just sound depressed and that could be largely to do with the situation atm? Everything feels hopeless! Don’t give up on that nice man you’ve been talking to just yet is my advice.

I feel the same but I’m not your age. I’ve thought in my head that if I don’t get it I’m going to adopt. I think it’s just not in my life plan. But so many women do find someone later in life and have children. You never know!

Hi OP, I really, really sympathise with you. I felt like you do for a long time, then I met DH and the feelings vanished. It's so hard right now because of the endless lockdowns.

I don't believe it is too late for you. I also know it's not too late to have a child. I had both my two when I was older than you are now. And I know several women who found lasting love - real passionate swept off their feet love of your life stuff later in life - one at forty-two and one at fifty-six.

Have you considered the dating website for people who want to meet a platonic partner to have children with? One's called modamily. There may be others. I know it's not what you want ideally but as you said, loads of people's lives are far from ideal. At least there you'd be on the right wave length with a man who wants to be a dad. You could still be a mum.

@AKissAndASmile I’d literally give up my home, job, everything to know that was the case for me.

You've a nice man who wants to settle interested in you. And you're not 38 just yet. Some would argue you're half way there!

Come on woman... Gird your loins Bird in the hand. He might not work out, but he just might you know. Don't you dare waste an opportunity because you're afraid of failure.

Are you a perfectionist/bit of a high achiever by any chance? Goes hand in hand with not trying things because of a fear of failure.

Don't sabotage yourself. Grab this bloke for a socially distanced midnight walk under the stars and share deep and meaningful shit that you usually wouldn't,especially if it revolves around marriage, children, and the having of both.

Bring a flask of coffee laced with whiskey as long as nobody is driving. Catch a late bus home or a taxi. Speed things up. Give it a go. Be a bit more open, even if it feels painful, and take a risk. Get a good shag off him. Then, if you like him, put the ball in his court. Tell him you could see the relationship going somewhere, you'd like it to go towards suburbia and 2.5 kids and Tumble Tots, what does he think?

Go on. It's shit- I've a similar battle with something in my life, not related to kids etc but something that I keep getting knocked back from. But you have to keep trying. You're not out of the race yet so don't walk off the course

My friend had a baby at 46. Donor egg but she had the baby. I had my youngest at 40. The 35 thing is based on very old data.
Have a wallow. Decide which of husband or child is most important and do something about the more important.

@LaurieFairyCake what a refreshingly honest and well articulated post! Agree with this 100%

@tunnocksreturns2019 I'm so sorry for your loss

I remember a friend of mine sobbing in my kitchen at age 39, she had just been dumped by her long term partner. Her main sorrow was that he’d robbed her of the chance for a child. She also had polycystic ovaries.
Within 18 months she was pregnant, she met a man via OLD they both wanted a family and at 41 they had a baby girl.

The magic age of 35 is just an average figure. The majority of women’s fertility starts to decline more quickly at that age. But that doesn’t make natural conception and a healthy pregnancy impossible!

@Empressofthemundane

At 38 you’ve got time, but not time to waste moping! Get out there. Be intentional and open about what you want. Use dating sites and don’t be coy. Saying I’m 38 and really want to find a life partner and start a family will sound great to a man who is looking for the same thing. It will turn of men looking for something casual and that’s just perfect because they are a waste if your time.

Don’t sit there waiting for opportunity to knock on your door or fall out of the sky. Go knock on someone’s door and be their opportunity! There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Your desires are normal and you aren’t too old.

This! Perfect...

hmmm you're still young in my opinion, age is just a number.

I never look at my age or consider myself too old for anything.

if it does make you feel any better the ones who are married and have kids, do also have their own battles, all that glitters is not gold! many are considering divorce in this day and age marraiges don't always work out.

a woman can have kids up untill 45 these days. A man is easy to find, they just want love

OP, take action now to get what you want. You don’t want to look back at 48 and realise 38 was plenty of time, which it is!