I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

[WhataNCnelly]

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

"Everyone - colleagues, friends, media - says at 35 your time is basically up for a family. "

The media absolutely does not say that. It says your fertility will start to decline that's all. You're only just three yeas over that and you're quite likely to still be fertile.

Really glad to hear this has helped OP. Have you tried a better quality dating site? This is not a situation which Tinder will fix.

Have you thought about fostering or adopting?

Oh and if it makes you feel any better about how people perceive you, when I told my Mum that DH and I were getting serious and I hoped that this might finally be a relationship that might end in marriage and a family she looked at me in surprise and said “Oh, I didn’t think that sort of thing interested you!”. I had spent literally the ten previous years wanting nothing else and being very sad about it. However in those 10 years I had also done well in my career because, well, I hadn’t had much else to do and it gave me purpose. In the end I actually did take a step back to focus on motherhood and don’t regret it for a millisecond. And it was a lot easier to do that when I had previously done well.

I had three between 36 and 41, a friend has adopted at 50. Plenty of time yet.

PS I told my Mum she was wrong but I didn’t go into detail with her about how she had misunderstood so badly how I felt about relationships and settling down. She was terminally ill at the time and died before I got engaged so I’ll never know. However, with hindsight, I was probably reluctant to share with her the extent of my unhappiness because I didn’t want pity. I also think that many people in our lives do worry that we are sad for this reason, so telling themselves that we are “career driven” or “not the styling down type” makes them feel better because they can kid themselves that we are happy. Or they are talking about some positive aspects of being single with no kids in a misguided attempt to help you feel better.

I have a good friend who is single in her late forties and I have never known her have a partner. I certainly don’t assume she chose that life, but she is not quite close enough for me to ask her if she is unhappy and wants to talk about that side of life. I also feel it would come across badly/a bit smug coming from me who has lucked out and found a partner. I really want to say to her “I know how you feel” but she might find that patronising. I absolutely never ever say to people things like “lucky you having no home schooling to deal with” etc.

Here's a thread for you OP

Well that didn't work!

Hi @WhataNCnelly. I’ve been there. I was becoming bitter and twisted. I remember driving home from a friends wedding reception and sobbing. I was so fed up of couples, weddings and pregnant women. I was jealous and resenting happy people. Awful but true.

I’d been internet dating with minimal (at best) success. Then out of the blue met a wonderful man at work. We met, dated, moved in an married within months. I have the faith that this happens.

Hope this helps.xx

OP I met someone at 36 and had my first child at 42, second at 43 and third at 45! All conceived naturally!

OP I was expecting you to say you’re 50 or older!

Not everyone meets ‘that one’ in their 20’s.

And I know a lot of people who aren’t living the life they thought they would have for different reasons. I know several women who are now 40’s/50’s divorced, single, either mortgaged up again or having to rent. I also have a friend of 38 and another of 45 who have both lost their husbands to cancer.

Don’t lose heart OP it really isn’t too late for you to meet someone.

I do appreciate when you are in it though it is shitty as hell. I hope you are doing ok.x

You should not be writing yourself off in this way. I think you need a new point of view. Even if you don't manage to have children, you are still young enough to meet a life partner. I worked beside a lovely chap who didn't marry till he was 40. Yes, he felt sad they were past the point of having their own children, but they had nieces and nephews whose company they loved. It's never too late to meet someone and once things open up again, get yourself out there. Please don't feel you have missed the boat, there are sometimes chances in the strangest places. Good luck.

It’s really not too late, I felt very much like you, every one I knew married, kids. I finally got with my DH when I was 35. Turns out he had been there for a number of years, we had been friends about 6 years but the thought of a relationship was never there until it actually happened very unexpectedly. I made things very clear I wanted a child, he was in or out, I wasn’t going to wait any longer. I had my first at 36, married at 37, second at 38 & third at 41. It definitely can happen, it’s not too late. Both my grandmothers were 41 & 42 when they had their last children.

It’s total crap that at 35 it’s all over, it’s only people who have what they want already who think that. Lots of women have children in their 40s. Granted the risk of problems can increase but it’s not a definite that that will happen. When I had my first I was actually on the young side in my antenatal group, 2 women were already in their 40s, one having her dc at 41 she then went on to have her 2nd dc 10 months later (wasn’t planned) but she was happy they were close in age.

Take tonight, sob your heart out, watch Bridget Jones, down a bottle of wine, dance naked around your house, get it all out of your system then tomorrow sit yourself down and say right what the fuck are my options, no one is going to want me sobbing my heart out like this, pull your self together and write out exactly what it is you want and ways you can achieve it all. Dating sites, ivf, adoption, fostering, one night stand ( if your happy doing that) , sperm doner via male friend.... things came to a head for me about 6 months before I started seeing my DH I didn’t want to do anything, I could barely drag myself into work and when I got home I’d curl up in bed until I had to get up the next day, on weekends I’d get home on Friday and not talk or see anyone until I went back to work on a Monday. I finally admitted I needed help and saw my gp who put me on antidepressants. He also suggested a one night stand or male friend as sperm doner if have a baby was so important to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

There are so many options open to you, even if you can’t see that right now x

I met DH (online through mutual interest not a dating site) at 35, married at 37. We adopted DS when I was 44 (several miscarriages later but investigations showed it could have happened at any age) and DD two years later. DH is about 10 years older but had come out of a long term long distance relationship so we both didn't want to hang about, we got married within 18 months of meeting.
I had already been considering adopting as a single parent so that part of it was easy but the rest of it was what I'd given up hope for. 17 th anniversary this week!

All my friends including me had their first after 35.

I saw a gynaecologist for a minor procedure when I was 37. I asked him what steps I should take to get pregnant at my age. He laughed and said get plenty of booze in and have a great Christmas. (he may actually have winked, bit old school)

Nobody had sent him the 'nothing over 35 and that's that' memo. Because it's nonsense.

I sympathise OP. Nothing like a birthday to put you into panic mode!
BUT as others have said, it’s too soon to panic. Get out there, woman! Be proactive and open about what you want (marriage and children - nothing to be ashamed of - own it!!!) - tell all your friends and colleagues, ask them to set you up with people. You can do this in a firm yet perfectly dignified way.
What about singles holidays ?
Weed out timewasters quickly, focus on the men who want what you want. There are more of them out there than you think, if you’re clear to people that you’re looking.
You’re wondering if you’ve overlooked someone in your past. Maybe. Maybe not. Hopefully you’ll know what’s important now eg someone kind, stable, hardworking and about as intelligent as you.
Not someone who is boorish, lazy or “finding himself”.
You (hopefully) won’t be outruling anyone based on appearance or because they don’t share your love of 17th century jade or support the same football team as you.
Take lots of outdoor exercise (if you don’t already) while you’re looking. That might sound an odd thing to say but it’ll help with mood, keep anxiety at bay, help you sleep, give your appearance a boost. Plus outdoor activities tend to attract more men - often single - than indoor ones do.
I’m stating the obvious here aren’t I? And easier said than done I know! But many people settle down at your age and beyond. Chin up, stay sane. Best of luck!

@WhataNCnelly

Can I ask where these people have met people, as in geographical area? I live in a Birmingham suburb, 35 mins from the city.

I’m wondering if all these people who are older meeting people have done it in London or something? Everyone around me seems so settled. Would it be different somewhere else. I don’t know.

I met my DH while we were both living overseas in a country where the female population far out ways the male population.

As I mentioned up thread, he was someone I already knew but had never considered him as anything more than a friend. A lot of it was timing when we got together.

I know it really really dose suck, I remember going to a wedding (on Valentine’s Day) and there was literally one other single person there, another woman older than me. We weren’t even sat together even though we did know each other, we were placed on separate tables with different couples. The bride actually introduced us as her ‘single” friends..... I know she didn’t mean anything by it but it bloody stung.

I get what you mean by sharing memories with others, I felt like that. I tried to creat my own memories though and didn’t let me stop doing things like travelling, I did it myself, went backpacking through Asia, I just signed up to organised travel groups so I wasn’t doing it alone, there was always a mix of couples and singles, some a lot older than you. Obviously now is not the time to go travelling abroad. I’m just trying to tell you that you can still do things for yourself.

Age is just a number. I use to think being 35 was old, my parents were grandparents by the time they were 35. Coming from the north of England i use to think you had limited time to do things as old meant reaching 40. It wasn’t until I left I realised 40 is nothing, I’ve met people in their 60s &n70s who looked younger, fitter and healthier than my parents and other people where I’m from. I definitely think old age is influenced by the mind.

So hard at the moment to meet people. I didn’t acknowledge that in my post. Awful timing for anyone actively searching. There’ll be single men thinking the same thing though. Just how to get you together...

Hi OP

I hope you’re doing OK. I just read your original post and I wanted to stop by and let you know that I got pregnant within eight weeks of meeting my partner and we then went on to buy a house and have a second baby. We are engaged but IMO weddings are very stressful and not all they are made out to be..!! So we may do that one day.. or not.. I was 30 when we met and suddenly stopped and realised I had never taken any steps towards having a home or a family. I’d spent my whole 20s partying, travelling and working. I didn’t want to make any serious decisions at all and I ended good relationships with that mentality and I was in a very dark place when I realised where I had ended up a result of attempting to live free from responsibility.

I’m sure it’s been said many times previously here, but don’t give up on what you want. It’s not too late to make life work for you. I had to let go of the life I had imagined and also the life perceived to be respected by societies standards.

I remember sobbing and sobbing because I had ended up back with my parents, back from living in another country with a great job and relationship ..just all gone. I had to rebuild. Do you have family who know what you want, can he they support you in getting it?

Did lockdown affect you at all? I feel that it shone a spotlight on so many things by taking away so many distractions. I nearly lost my mind in lockdown.

I hope you are feeling better and I really hope I can offer you some respite, as I didn’t have time to read all the comments!

Xx

@WhataNCnelly

I will be 38 on Sunday. I can’t believe this is my life, what a mess I have made.

38? Oh bless you. It’s not too late at all!

I used to know a woman who vowed that if she hadn’t met someone by the time she was 40 she was going to go ahead and have a child alone. On the night of her 40th birthday party she met someone. Got married to him 18mths later and had a child a year after that and then a other child.

I thought you were going to say you were 50 or 60!

I really hope you meet someone, but don’t settle for the ‘wrong’ one. 💐