I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

[WhataNCnelly]

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

Dear OP, I had my firstborn at 41 and my second child at 43. Anyways, I think you should do some thinking about whether you want "the whole package" and ONLY the whole package. Or would you perhaps be happy raising a child on your own? There's still time. (There is also still time to meet someone and have it all, but then you would need to move fast.)

The 35 thing is based on very old data.

I can believe it. I was pregnant at 35 three months after my coil was removed.

OP, please go for some counselling to help you shift your very negative mindset.

And/or dig into some positive self-help books on the Law of Attraction, like pp mentioned The Secret. Make a vision board.

OP I know exactly how you feel and I am also proof that it can happen. I have a husband and a son and sometimes I have to pinch myself to check that it is not all a fantasy because I had got to the stage in my late thirties when I felt that it was never going to happen for me. And, like you, I was not really able to accept that I could be happy if it did not.

I got married when I was 40. We’d been together a couple of years. Our son was born 3 days before my 43rd birthday. We did have IVF, though they were able to use my own eggs. Of course that was not ideal but the point is that it was NOT game over. You might have to accept that fertility treatment will be necessary, and/or that you will have only one child, but a husband and child are not yet beyond possibility for you.

Believe it or not there are men out there who are very ready to settle down and have kids too, it doesn’t need to take 5 years to commit. However you do have to be ruthless and up front about what you want.

For me, the turning point was when I moved cities for a new job. I met my husband through a new friend who invited me to an evening out because I was new in town. We weren’t set up exactly but I was very open about being single and wanting to find someone. I think that you can get stuck in a rut and for me shaking up the non-romantic/dating bit of my life sort of gave me a boost and made me seem more interesting perhaps. I know that we are now in a pandemic and it’s hard to do something like that but maybe it’s food for thought? I wish you all the very best. It ain’t over till it’s over.

You are not too old, I promise. I am 48 and my son was born when I was almost 41. No problem at all. X

Oh op sometimes i feel this way. I havent even got a career, im rejected for everything, i have a difficult relationship with someone with kids whos now said he doesn't want anymore for a few years which makes me devastated as that means never in his speak. I dont own a home or car but i have to think, im alive, i have a future, my life is still in my control. You are still in control of your life. 38 is not too old to meet someone and marry if thats shat you want. My aunt met her fiance aged 56, now shes 61 and they are very happy together.

What not shat ffs

You just don't know what could happen, yes it seems crazy but you could technically have a baby by the end of this year! I know it's not what you want to hear but I met my husband and 3 months later I was pregnant and the baby was planned, we have been together 10 years so it turned out it wasn't a silly decision but what I'm saying is things feel like they will take years but things can actually happen so fast you could have it all this time next year, you will just be more sussed and sorted financially etc. You can't pre-empt this new guy and how it's gonna go, I totally understand the longness of having to date and all the getting to know them bit but push yourself and overlook some things that are not perfect in a guy. You are not too late or old. Also lockdown is making it harder for people to meet so you are not alone in that

OP please don’t think your chances of having what you want are over at the tender age of 38. You can still have what you want. But sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn’t the way to get it (sorry this sounds a bit blunt, I do mean it kindly). Get yourself out there, try online dating, look into fertility treatment, egg freezing, fostering , adoption, there are lots of options. And read about Debbie in the Daily Mail (sorry) who had a baby naturally at the age of 52!

Agree with PPs who say counselling could be a good idea. Then come back here in 10 years and tell us about your family

Sorry you feel so down. All the rubbish going on in the world makes everything worse. But you aren’t old and I’m sure you have loads going for,you. I would really recommend loving yourself a bit right now. Do,your hair paint your nails and write all the things down that you are wonderful for. Video call your best friend with a glass of wine and enjoy life. X everything else will follow. X

My friend had her first at 41 as a single mum. You don't have time for the "perfect" timed plan that society tells us is the ideal but it's all just a fallacy anyway. I met my DH and was engaged within 4 months, you just have to make yourself happy.

Honestly, OP, you've no idea what's around the corner as long as you're open to it. I felt similarly despairing on my 30th birthday - not so much that it was 'too late' as that I just wasn't very good at this relationship lark, with a few failed ones behind me and a sense that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I was also in a shit job and shit rented accommodation, so I decided to stop looking for love and focus on my career and living circs. I really wanted to buy a flat so I could get out of the rent trap, so I started looking for better paid jobs, applied for everything I was conceivably qualified for and started a new job three months later. In my first month there, I met a colleague I completely clicked with and we started dating. A month after that, I signed the contract to buy my flat. And a month after that, I was pregnant. (I know MN would disapprove of this timeline, but we both knew what we wanted.) I know you're older than I was, but I had my last baby at 38 and was definitely still fertile for some time afterwards. We are still together and very happy nearly a quarter of a century later. Don't lose heart, OP. It can still happen for you, just be ready for it when it does.

Everyone - colleagues, friends, media - says at 35 your time is basically up for a family.

Some mates they are! Also, why is it any business of your colleagues’?

Get back on the horse, throw all your resources at meeting someone. I got married at 38. Engaged after 9 months, married 6 months later.

I read mumsnet a lot but have never joined/posted and felt compelled to when I read this.
I was only a tiny bit younger than you and feeling exactly the same. I had been single for so long, I was over dating and doing the new thing and getting to know someone again again, it felt hopeless and that I didn’t have the energy to make meeting someone and getting a family happen. I met my partner by chance at work, we quickly started dating and within 6 months I was pregnant. We had already discussed pregnancy (brought up by him) as we knew it was better to do things sooner rather than later in later 30s (so your friend is wrong about this scaring men off! As another poster said it will scare off the time wasters only! Many men want the same thing) I’m now pregnant with our second child, we have been a couple longer with me being pregnant than not! So yes we haven’t done things the traditional way but things can be just around the corner when it feels like you will never meet someone.
Pre meeting him I was starting to think about the possibility of adoption and looking into this or a sperm donation - I like to think I would have gone ahead and done this anyway. It’s not ideal and not the plan but if it gets you the baby you want then the end result is all that matters. I read an article on the mail online only a day or 2 ago about a 42 year old woman who had found love whilst pregnant by a sperm doner and they were very happy. My NCT pre natal group with my first baby, 2 of the women were 40 and one was 43. I don’t know their back stories but don’t let the age statistics make you feel hopeless.
Lockdown/covid is not helping these issues, particularly for women. I have a very good friend, the same age - she is feeling the same - been single for a few years and feeling hopeless. But just go through the dating you can’t be bothered to do any more (I still wish I had done more of this and not got so fed up and exhausted at the thought of new meetings) I believe that she will get what she wants in some form and you will too! You just need to make some big next steps and decide to act now for what you want.
I’m so sorry you feel this way, I have been there and felt this too.

I do know what you mean OP. You wanted to have a lifetime together and even if you do meet someone, he's already missed a lot of yours! I wanted to meet the person at Uni and have that experience together and then travel, long engagement, first house together etc, but I did all those things on my own. I did meet someone in the end, but it took a long time to build a shared history. Plus both our fertilities were buggered by then and we ended up adopting. So not the life I had dreamed of, but incredibly enriching and worthwhile none the less. Still together after 27 years marriage. Adopted DS now 26. Wishing you all the best.x

@WhataNCnelly

1. 35 is not a magic cut-off date...for children, relationships, adventure, your looks...whatever.

1. Your mental health, understandably, sounds poor at the moment. More than anything, you have to prioritise and care for yourself. You are the only thing that you can truly depend on and you have to take care of yourself. When your mental health improves, so will your perspective and eventually, your attitude and outlook. You may realise that what you want isn't exactly what you thought you always did.

1. 38 is NOT old or too late.

1. Maybe give that dependable guy a chance. Lots of people 'settle' and then a deeper connection follows. If you want the same things in life, respect eachother and can enjoy spending time together, you have all the ingredients for a healthy, happy relationship which is more than many people with the 'fairytale' relationships.

1. There isn't an exact order in which to do things. What I may do may not work for you but life is messy and does not conform to our rules. Maybe you'll get pregnant and then met the man you marry, maybe you find the right guy and get pregnant quickly but the honeymoon or house buying has to be postponed. If you truly want a family and love, the order doesn't matter that much.

Basically what I'm trying to say is - LET GO OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF WHAT LIFE SHOULD BE and the accompanying cutoff dates and the planned order of things and the idea of what love looks like. Let all that go. Try to build your mental health and happiness and just make yourself open to things happening maybe a little unconventionally.

Good luck, OP.

THIRTY EIGHT?! I don't know where you live, but I live in a big city and having your first baby after 35 is the norm here. I was considered on the young side at 33! 40 and most people wouldn't bat an eye.

Also, my DM met my DF at 39, struggled to conceive and had me at 43, almost 44, so no way are you almost out of time. One of my friends is currently pregnant and she's 40, another who's 40 just got dumped and is planning to have a child on her own.

If you want a baby so much, go to a sperm bank and get yourself knocked up. You are way better off being a together single mum than having a useless husband, as many Mumsnet threads can tell you...

OP I hope you have gone off to get some rest now. Am really sorry you are feeling so sad. But tomorrow morning you need to take yourself in hand and organise some counselling to stop being caught in this cycle of negative thinking so you can get on with sorting out your life. In the nicest possible way you need to learn to take yourself in hand, stop with the pity party, and work on building the life you want.

I had my 2nd child in my late 30s and a family member is having one at 40.

If you can manage it financially go it alone. The bloke may or may not come along later.

Fuck what your colleagues say about a 35 year cut off, don't be so daft as to let others determine these things!

Hi Op
You are Can Still young enough to meet "the One" a good man good relantship potential at 38yrs age.!
And settle down and have children of your Own)You could even adopt Child (I am adopted myself..

You could meet the right man person for yourself, through shared interests /or through mutual friends Or going on hols with friends etc.
Or even Joining Courses workshops you are curious/interested in.

See life as more of adventure
You are Captain of your own destiny .!
Instead of Just sitting in the Back seat,
My advice is find ways to improve your Low Cofindence issue.
Whatever blocking your Cofindence /dragging you down emotionally work on improve this in some way,
even if it means going into some kind of therapy,to explore this to help overcome this..

I know its difficult with all these Lockdowns going on,
But this Situation will not last go on forever.!
(You need to embrace opportunities like I have mentioned about in my post,
Also look into doing a Vision Board check out on the internet/book about this,
Vision Board
Its basically a board you create with all your Goals/opportunties you like to acctract in your life for eg you can symbols,images from cuts outs from mag/affirmations that resonate(mean something/poems on this board and put it somewhere in your home where it catches your eye often,
Feng Shui
Also look at feng shui book its about how your envoriment can work for you or against you,

And how arranging/placing objects in specific ways /deluttering in your home/can help you live your life in more harmony with nature.

Feng Shui can be beneficial in overcoming Blockages areas in your life that are out of kilter/balance and shifting this to create more of a Dynamic balance that's works for you in areas of your life that you want this to happen.!

For e.g when if you have ever had lots of Clutter in part of your house ,have you ever felt stuck in a rut in your life mindset?
or and have you felt heavy Lethargic listless energy?
Then when you have got rid of Clutter in your house.!
Have you have felt more energy more zest for life,more sense of Clarity (to be able to think more Clearly, @WhataNCnellywhat goals you want to achieve etc?

Personally for me, the point of hitting rock bottom (like you say you have) was the turning point. I felt so deeply that things couldn’t get any worse, I ended up being braver than ever and putting myself out there more, as I had nothing to lose. I went from crying over my failed engagement thinking I might never have children, to throwing myself into online dating and meeting my now DH. We did house and baby in a year then marriage the year after. When you meet later in life you don’t hang around and fret what order the big stuff happens in.

I do know what you mean OP. You wanted to have a lifetime together and even if you do meet someone, he's already missed a lot of yours! I wanted to meet the person at Uni and have that experience together and then travel, long engagement, first house together etc, but I did all those things on my own.

I do think though that the later you meet, the more likely the relationship is to last. Most of us do a lot of changing between 20 and 35 and can end up being incompatible with someone who was once a perfect fit. After 35, I reckon you have a clearer idea of what you'll be getting in a partner and whether it's what you actually want...

Hi Op
Hi @WhataNCnelly
Oops Sorry Typo Error mistake on my part..
Bit embarrassing.. 😕

I say with this kindness because I do really feel for the situation you are in, and how it makes you feel. But I think you would really benefit from some kind of counselling to change your mindset. Life generally never works out as planned. Even with a husband and child, it might not be what you expect. But I do understand if you have that longing, you can't just make it go away. As other PPs have said, there are lots of proactive things you can do and I think there is a lot to be said for doing it by yourself. There are good men out there looking for women like you, and just like you haven't found the man for you yet, that man hasn't found you yet either. There's still time and you really are still very young

Not everyone in there marriages are happy x

You’re 38, you’re basing this ‘fact’ of 35 on what ‘everyone’ is saying. Is ‘everyone’ your dr? No. So go see your dr.

I’m sure I read that the average age for a last baby is somewhere between 39 and 42 - so you have 4 years for the average age.
Not the oldest age. Just the average. There are also other options.

You also said you could meet someone but you couldn’t have the long engagement etc.
Lots of people don’t get that anyway that’s just something you’re going to have to accept, hardly seems writing everything off for though.

It’s tough for single people right now, and your birthdays coming up so you’ll be feeling rubbish. It makes sense and it’s frustrating when life plans don’t go our way. But you’re 38. Take some time to be frustrated and upset but then you need to stop listening to and looking for all of the negative stats