I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

[WhataNCnelly]

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

Op I know a lady who met a guy at 38 got married at 39 had her first baby at 40 and second at 42...she's 53 now and you would have NO IDEA to be honest. Similarly, I had a relative have her first child at age 39. If you give up it certainly won't happen but if you get out there you'll never know.

@WhataNCnelly

I know I sound whiny and defeatist. I never used to be this way. I was stronger. I just can’t believe that this is my life. I blame myself. I am desperately lonely and I fill my days to the brim with distractions.

I honestly cannot imagine feeling close to a man ever again.

I'm honestly not just saying this to make you feel better, but this was how I felt just before I met my now husband. I was convinced there was something wrong with me - no man was right, I was sure I'd be single forever. Then I met him!

@ReallySpicyCurry enjoying reading your post. hahaha lovely

I was 36 when I met DH, got married at 39 and first DC at 40. I thought the same as you but I know lots of people my age who got married and had a family after 40.

@nicebreeze how was it different? I can’t imagine at all, everyone feels like a stranger even when I’ve met them or chatted a long time.

If an MOT check says you're good then you probably are. Some people won't be able to conceive at 38- it took me 4 years to have my second due to fertility issues, so I imagine by 38 it would be game over for me- but if you've no issues then no point worrying just yet. I know loads of people who have had babies from 38-45. Purely anecdotal, because I know the big drop off is meant to be 35,but from my experience, thinking of the women I know it's more like 42/43 ish if all else is well.

I think it's more that if you have endo etc, you'll struggle to get pregnant at 40,but then you'd have struggled at 35 or even 25 because your womb hates you. But at 40 you've less time to fix it.

But at 38 with no apparent issues there's zero reason to think you wouldn't get pregnant fairly easily.

I’m 40 and have got the kids and had the marriage but he died two years ago. It’s makes me sad that you think your life is over.... I was hoping myself for a chapter 2.

I felt exactly like this at exactly your age OP, and was just so angry at the injustice of it all. Ever since I could remember my biggest dream was a happy relationship in a cosy home. Instead I had been in a series of crappy relationships, lived in a series of dumps and was about to have yet another break up and have to move in to shared housing. Then I met DP. We had the fun and sussing each other out first year, then moved in together. 15 months later I'd just fallen pregnant for the 2nd time and we completed on our house. Obviously none of this means any of that will happen for you, but it's possible, and it's definitely not going to happen if you don't somehow find the strength to keep putting yourself out there is it? Keep posting here for support but also don't give up! Imagine in 10 or 20 years still feeling this way with the added cherry on top of knowing that you just gave up and stopped even trying to achieve at least some of your deepest desires? I wish you all the luck in the world. There are decent men out there and I really hope that you find one of them.

First, do not write yourself off quite yet. My parents met when they were in their late 30s. Had they both decided to give up, I'd not be here. However, you do need to find a professional to talk to, because your depression and bitterness (that you spoke of) will affect how others see you, and actually lessen your chances of meeting that special someone.

Lighting a candle for you, Dear Lady, and keeping you in my heart. Older parents are wonderful things! All is not yet lost!

@tunnocksreturns2019

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this

I understand a little because I had my much longed-for family life but only for a few years; then DH got sick and then he died. Often I am living a hideous exhausting parody of the family life I used to have. I find lone parenting lonelier than the very (now very very!) brief moments I get by myself. But I won’t go on about that because it’s not fair you haven’t (yet) has children.

It doesn’t seem fair because it isn’t. You didn’t get anything wrong. You don’t deserve to feel like this

I struggle with bitterness too. My friends’ husbands are all alive - why was it me and why in our 30s? Why was everything spoiled so soon?

I can’t see joy around the corner for me, but I can always see it for other people, including you. Try to stay hopeful and if you can’t do that, just keep on. Things can still change.

I'm so sorry for your loss

One of my most favourite people in the world met her husband when she was 52. Kids were obviously not going to be on the agenda, but she now has 25 years of a very happy marriage behind her.

Did you post about this last autumn, OP? I have a memory of a very similar thread. You are sounding quite depressed in that you are focusing on all the reasons things can't and never will work out for you. That's catastrophising and Black and White thinking rolled into one, two symptoms of depression.

FWIW I tried to get pregnant all through my thirties - no luck at all. Then suddenly two babies came along as I hit my forties. It is possible.

And there's a man who wants to meet you, who appears to want the same. You say you're scared it won't work out - understandable - but it can't work out if you don't give it a go. You are weeping with unhappiness at your current state, yet reject the first chance to change it. You won't get any happier or closer to what you want without having yet another go. I really do remember feeling like a freak, having no connection with any one. I remember going on a mutual pity date with a friend's brother who had just split from his wife. We had nothing in common. It was so lonely and depressing. Two weeks later, I'd met DH at an event I said I wouldn't go to. Changed my mind, went, left early and then thought, no, there was that lovely man, turned around and walked back in. That was two moments when I could have said no that I forced myself to say yes to.

Honestly, you have to change your mindset on this because it is hard enough right now, trying to meet people during Covid, but if you bring a really depressed, defeatist attitude to it as well, you are really reducing your chances. Meet up with this man online and see where it leads.

At 38 my life was a mess and about to get a whole lot worse, but at 47 I met a wonderful man. I’m now 57 and blissfully happy, married to a kind, loving man, with a beautiful home, my dream job and life is lovely. Had you told me 10 years ago I’d have cried because my life was so horrible.

It’s amazing how one thing can have a massive change and how life can be good, better than good even. The thing that changed was I lost my job, just when things couldn’t get any worse, they did! But because of that I met my husband. Have a good cry tonight and hopefully tomorrow you can get some real life hugs from someone. But don’t give up, life is shit today but that’s not to say it will stay shit.

It might not work out how you hoped, but you’ve still got time to meet your perfect man.

and a handhold.

Come on, meet the man you've been chatting to. You've got time and I know hoards of women having babies at 38+. Hoards of them.

If you want a baby you can have one. All the buying a house, long engagement stuff...forget it. You've got a house, and anyway, it's not the rosy dream you imagine. It's stressful and annoying.

@ReallySpicyCurry you give such excellent advice in such a lovely way!

@tunnocksreturns2019 - you are so very brave and gracious in the face of the loss of your wonderful husband, and I also completely get what you mean about being lonelier parenting alone than actually being on your own - different situation but I totally empathise.

[quote WhataNCnelly]@nicebreeze how was it different? I can’t imagine at all, everyone feels like a stranger even when I’ve met them or chatted a long time.[/quote]
Well, he was someone I'd known vaguely (via friends) growing up actually - we'd gone off each other's radars completely through college, uni and post-uni years. We bumped into each other one night at an event, all very relaxed and no expectations, not even really flirting. But we made plans to meet for coffee the next day, spent the whole weekend together, the rest is history.

At first It didn't necessarily feel different to other men I was only interested in being friends. We just got on so well that we wanted to be around one another a lot and things naturally evolved over the next few days and weeks.

That's isn't to say it's been an easy ride - it hasn't. We are best friends but it's not perfect and neither of us are perfect.

Some years ago a nurse gave me some good advice. She told me that, unfortunately, I wasn't going to get everything I wanted... And to work out what I felt I couldn't live with and put all my efforts into that area.

It was shitty because all around me were people who did seem to have been given all they wanted, some of them were nice, good people, but frankly some of them were shits and didn't deserve to live the blessed existence they seemed to have, and weren't having to choose which bits to fight for.

But, life isn't a meritocracy. Some wonderful people die long before their time, some horrendously evil people have children and then treat them unspeakably, whilst other people who would be wonderful parents are childless. It's shit, but that's the reality.

I agree with you when you say you feel you are not going to get the whole courtship/moving in/housebuying/wedding/honeymoon/child package you really wanted it.... It would be unlikely in the time frame. I'm sorry...

But... What is it you feel you can't live with?

If it is being alone without a partner maybe consider dating someone who already has kids and whether being a stepmother would be enough if by the time you met it was too late to have your own?

If you feel you can't live with being childless maybe look into having a baby now, by yourself, and being open to a relationship down the line?

I wish you all happiness in life, I know how unfair things can be.

38! OK, so realistically you have maybe five years to become pregnant. In your position I would find a reputable paid dating site and decide what exactly you are looking for in a husband in terms of shared interests, values etc. Be proactive.

@Fcuk38

I’m 40 and have got the kids and had the marriage but he died two years ago. It’s makes me sad that you think your life is over.... I was hoping myself for a chapter 2.

I'm so sorry. You've got so much time x

@ReallySpicyCurry - I love your post too. You sound like you live for the moment and make the best of things. Bet you are fun to have as a friend.

Also OP, you absolutely have time in hand. I met DH, moved in, bought a flat, engaged, married in 23 months, and DD1 arrived 13 months after that -almost bang on 3 years to the day. And that didn’t feel especially rushed, several friends have moved quicker. All is not lost, but you have to not only want it to happen (as you do), but also accept that it still can (which you currently don’t) and makes steps to make it happen (which you won’t be able to do until you think it will!) - so perhaps plough less energy in to focusing on what you don’t have, and more in to getting yourself in to a headspace where you can?

@WhataNCnelly what your friend said about men being scared off as they think you just want a baby is bollocks. Why shouldn't there be men out there who also haven't managed to have a family yet and aren't longing for one too? Most men want to settle down at some point.

Just be open and say you want to find love and have a family. You don't want time wasters at this stage! It can happen for you, don't give up on yourself.

Jesus I thought you were going to say your in your 50s!

I had IVF at 38. My friend is having a sperm donor at 41 as all the blokes she met dicked her about.

You can have a family - just different to the one you had mapped out.

I know somebody who was strung along by a boyfriend who wouldn't commit for most of her thirties. She knew she wanted marriage and kids and couldn't hang around for him any longer. She dumped him when she was 38, and she focussed on finding someone. She made a list of all the men she could think of who were "available".

She got together with someone who had been a nodding acquaintance at work for several years (they worked in different departments of the same large place).

They got engaged when she was 39, married when she was 40, first child at 41, second child a couple of weeks before her 43rd birthday. They've been married for 14 years now.

She said that the advantage of dating someone within her workplace (though different departments - they weren't working together) was that she was able to confirm from casually chatting to other people at work that he was regarded as a decent, dependable, slightly shy bloke. It shortened the "getting to know you" time.

I know at least three other mums who met partners at or after 38, had kids etc.

One in particular springs to mind who had DC1 at 39 after a short relationship, DC2 at 41 then split from their Dad, remarried the love of her life & had DC3 at 43 with him (her third is best friends with my youngest born when I was 40 as it happens) & her & her husband are still very happy.

Anything can happen is what I’m saying - unless you choose that it doesn’t that is, don’t give up just yet OP!

The only friends I have now (at 50+) who are in a position where they didn’t/haven’t yet found someone or are single not by choice are those who were holding out for perfection or things to be a certain way or we’re set on things happening in a certain order - ironically, despite being lovely in many ways none of them are perfect themselves (none of us are)...