I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

[WhataNCnelly]

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

If you do want to go alone at having a baby, get the book it starts with the egg, it gives lots of scientific knowledge on improving egg quality when your over 35. You can get a sperm donor. Your not out the race until you have given it your all.

OP, it seems like your biggest regret is not having children, and you are now feeling that the clock is ticking and you're running out if time. You said that you didn't want to raise children alone, but considering your age and the way you feel about the prospect of never having children, maybe it's worth you going for it alone. It's not going to be easy, and being a single parent may not fit with the picture you've held for years of what family life may look like, but don't let perfect get in the way of good enough.

@WhataNCnelly

I will be 38 on Sunday. I can’t believe this is my life, what a mess I have made.

You really aren't too old to meet someone. A friend of mine had her first baby at 48, although it was by egg donation and I two other male friends in their fifties who have just got married for the first time, their first serious relationships . What steps ( ordinarily pre-covid) are you taking to meet someone, I understand it's difficult at the moment.

You're still really young.

I would counsel you not to make yourself miserable by imagining that everyone else lives in a Mills and Boon novel, though. Most people don't go through the 'perfect' relationship, marriage, house, children thing you have in your mind. Look at the Relationships Board on here if you want proof! I got pregnant unexpectedly when I'd only known DH for 6 months, and over 20 years later, we still haven't been able to afford the house. So my fantasies of painting somewhere are just that, fantasies. You sound like you have the financial security bit sorted, which is great.

No reason why you can't find a great relationship, and/or have dcs, if that's what you want,

Maybe treat this thread as a kick up the backside to do something about making this happen, even if it's just looking into egg freezing or whatever.

now look, Op, you really have to stop being so negative.
that will get you nowhere.
meet the nice-sounding man.
also research some respectable introduction agencies, for people who want to settle and start a family.
be business like.
my maternal grandmother was working abroad, good position with prospects in an expanding economy. she wrote back home to the match-maker and came back to marry an older man, who was severe and life was hard. but if she had not done that, i would not be writing this now.
set your priorities. and go for it. nothing worthwhile is easy.

OP, get on a dating site and state your intentions. Marriage, baby, buying a house etc. Anyone who isn't into that level of openness is going to string you along, so good riddance to binning them off. I'd especially recommend going on that date with the bloke you're speaking to, he seems like a nice bloke and you only have things to gain.

If the baby is the immediate priority, get to the doctors and start considering your fertility options. Whatever happens, even if the bloke doesn't come along for whatever reason, baby & house buying are absolutely still on the cards. You can do this. If you have fertility issues (which I doubt based on your previous medical exams) you could adopt, and this will be a story of strength you can tell your future kids about when they need it.

It is not over for you. Go out and take what you want, why should other people get to have this and not you? YOU GOT THIS. Your belief and the strength in your convictions will pull you through.

I, and 5 of my closest friends, had all our DC (at least 2 each) after 35. Some in relationships, others via donor. All great, "together" women.

I think you are way overthinking all these things like you do. You are not old at all. And you should try and not go along the lines, of comparing yourself to others, who you think have everything that you don't have.
You will be eternally sad and unhappy,if you don't try and have a different mindset about all things in your life.

OP You've had so much excellent advice, please do listen.

Please do prioritize your own mental health and well being.

Re "I was speaking to someone recently who is keen to settle down. He’s nice. I just feel exhausted at the prospect of having to meet him and see what happens and then have something not work out again. I just feel like I’ve tried and it hasn’t worked. Why would it now. In reality it probably won’t and I’m old, I’m at the end of the road for a family."

So now you know that you are not at the end of the road.

Please do not allow your inner fears to sabotage this. He may well not be the one, just treat him kindly, be ready to see where it goes. Look at your priorities, what is most important? You've implied you want a husband and family above everything else. So please do not give up.

I had a baby at 39 (almost 40) and then adopted another child at 49.

Even if 'it' doesn't happen for you, for whatever reason, it's still possible to live a contented happy life. You just might need to tweak your mindset a bit.

The bitternes is horrid but it's just a phase, part of grieving for the fantasy life you might not have.

At 38 though you still have time on your side.

OP I think your colleague was 100% wrong to make the comment, I would call it a 'quip' she made about not having to look after kids.

I would hope it was innocent comment.

However, if she says it again I think you can choose to totally ignore it or speak to her privately that you find that very offensive.

You might say offensive or upsetting. Personally, I am not sure I would want a loose-lipped colleague knowing I was upset so I would probably say offended by the personal comment. But only bring that up if you feel it will be better for you.

It is not too late. And it is not your colleague's business.

I agree that it's more likely to last when you meet someone in later life. I got married very young and had two kids by 23. It was a disaster. My second marriage (late thirties) was a far better match.

I thought you were going to say you were 60! And you say you've just met someone nice?
Have a good wallow and pull yourself together!

Hi Op
See life as a adventure being open to new experiences in Life.
Such as Meet new People/friends in unasual places,One of them could turn into something more deeper a relantship with " the One" who you marry and settle down with etc.

See, Life Too, as a Adventure as be Open to the unausaul (unconvential too Aspects of this too..

As it this will help you to not get stuck in rut in your life etc.

I didn’t have my first till I was 38 and that was after just one try. I was definitely not the oldest in my NCT class. I was in the younger half. Lots were 40+

Relationships are not a fantasy that is played out in your head with paint colours and trips out. In order to get to that point you have to go through the dating stage, the marriage or living together, the pregnancy and the birth.
It can’t be done overnight.
Unless you go the sperm donor route and save the relationship till later.

If you really wanted a child there are ways to have one.

Hi Op
Is there good friends of yours who know someone/ who is good potential Partner material
And you could go on a blind dates with then?
You never know..
Would you be open to this idea?
Or/and
going on speed dating evening etc with a good friend for support ?
😕

You dont need a man to have a baby.
Get yourself pregnant, by whatever means you fancy.
If you do decide that you need a relationship then go about this in the same way that you would go about finding a job. I asked DH if he wanted DC on our very first date and told him that I wasn't looking for a casual relationship, I was looking for a husband and father of my kids.
Turns out he wanted the same.
No point wasting time on men who dont share your goals.
Also I second the advice to read "The midnight library", it puts life in perspective. Shame Matt Haig is taken.

When you meet later in life you don’t hang around and fret what order the big stuff happens in

I think is absolutely true; you're not the main feature of a lifestyle magazine - it doesn't have to be perfect!

I met my now DH when I was 40 and he was a couple of years older. Was pregnant three months after starting TTC, DD was born a month after my 42nd birthday. Managed to get my divorce finalised 3 weeks before she was born, classy. (Had separated some years prior).

It was certainly wasn't picture book, but 15 years down the line, it all works!

Don't fall for the hype, OP, what looks perfect from the outside, often isn't.

Keep your mind and heart open. Definitely meet the nice chap!

It does sound as though you have become very defeatist, and possibly depressed as a result.

Plenty of people your age or older have babies. I'm one of them! granted I met DH when I was nearly 36, but had DS1 at 40 (it was a LDR for a couple of years) and DS2 at 45.

There are other options than having a man, as has been said - but you've admitted there is someone nice who wants to settle down who is interested in YOU, but YOU can't be bothered! Now that is definitely pushing the self-destruct button, and says to me that you're depressed and need to go to the GP or something to sort that out.

I will also say that "settling" for someone you don't really love CAN work, but it can also leave you in a relationship where you are more lonely than you would be if you were single. You might find that hard to believe, but it's the case - being with someone but not wanting to, or them not wanting to, is incredibly lonely, more so BECAUSE you should be feeling a togetherness but don't.

Please go and see your GP and get past this black feeling.

You aren't too late but you might have to prioritise. This means different things to different people. It can mean putting all your energy and focus into finding the right partner who also wants a family on your timetable and needs (whether that's adoption if necessary etc)

Or you prioritise having a baby - as that's the most time sensitive thing and do it on your own for now, and put finding the right partner off till later.

I've had friends which did both routes both into their early 40s.

You are only 38 OP, there is still time.

OP This is the youngest you will ever be again. When you are 50 you will look back and regret not giving it another go at 38. I agree you can’t mess about, if you meet someone decent be up front early on that you want marriage and kids quickly. If it scares them off fine, they were not the one you’re looking for. You’re not too old!

I haven't RTFT but to address the fertility worries, no you don't know until you start trying but it isn't necessarily all doom and gloom once you hit 35. I married at 35 and had my babies at 36, 37 and 41. Each time I got pregnant between 6-8 weeks of coming off contraception. My friend got married at 39, had her first baby at 40 and is having her second now at 42.

In the nicest way possible OP if you want to have a relationship you have to put the work and effort in, if it fails you move on but you seem resigned to think why bother when it hasn't worked before. Yes you have to do the first dates and second and third etc decide if you like the person, have similar values and outlooks on life and then live together etc but if you are chatting to someone now in a year time you could be living together and pregnant. I knew within 3 months of meeting my husband that we would be together forever so if we had been under pressure then yes we would have moved quicker or done things slightly differently but you have to take that first chance.

Best of luck OP. You are definitely not over the hill!

I thought you were going to say you were 48, not 38. Do what others advise, look into getting pregnant via the sperm bank. Perhaps give the guy you've been chatting to a chance first though. He could be the one.