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Original poster

How much time off if a parent dies?

113 replies

ScottishStottie · 11/01/2021 14:55

Just wondering whats normal in terms of time off when a parent dies?

Dps mum died suddenly last week (non covid related) and we are all still in shock. Dp in particular is still pretty traumatised, it was him that found her, had to do cpr while waiting for ambulance etc. All very difficult.

Work is putting a bit of pressure to come back. (We both work for the same place) and they seemed surprised that dp wouldnt be back till at least after the funeral (in 2 weeks time) policy states 3 days for close family, 2 days for not so close, so he gets 3, i get 2.

Is this really all the time off people have in these situations?? Dp is in no fit state to go back, but is now worried that hes wanting more than he should have.

Im going back this week, to take some pressure off rather than both of us off, but even then im not happy about it, dont want to be leaving dp in on his own atm.

Never dealt with this before so no idea what is normal or what to expect to be allowed.

OP posts:

SingleHandSue · 11/01/2021 17:18

I’m so sorry for your loss

I was 29 when my dad died and as you can imagine it was a horrible time, DH’s work were brilliant and told him to take whatever time he needed to support me.

My work however, said I could have 1 day for the funeral.

I was (stupidly) still with the same company 5 years later when my mum died, I was taking annual leave that week anyway so thankfully didn’t have to ask again.

Some companies are really, really shit.

2021hastobebetter · 11/01/2021 17:19

That sounds horrific. Signed off is the way to go for possible PTSD and anxiety etc

2021hastobebetter · 11/01/2021 17:20

Ps it’s 1 day here for a spouse and that’s it

Soontobe60 · 11/01/2021 17:20

Another one here saying to get signed off by the GP.
I had 3 weeks off after my father died, 1st week self certified then the GP signed me off for 2 weeks. I could have had more time off but wanted to go back to work.

LST · 11/01/2021 17:28

Sounds about normal. I'd tell him to get signed off for sure.

ivykaty44 · 11/01/2021 17:33

sorry for your loss. this has obviously been a very traumatic time and death for your dp to be coping with. a friend of mine lost a parent in similar circumstances and found that it took quite a few weeks as she kept having flash backs to what had happened and then guilt and blaming herself

I would really suggest not returning to work to soon and also remember work may not be understanding but your dp working probably isn't really a great idea if he's suffering - he's not going to be at his best so tell him not to rush back.

take care and condolences

CookPassBabtridge · 11/01/2021 17:39

I'm glad I was a SAHM mum when my dad died, I was a wreck for months. 3 days is brutal! Yes I agree with getting signed off.

Gleps · 11/01/2021 17:45

I had a week off when my dad died when I was 25 but the company standard is 3 days.

I had a member of staff who’s wife died, he was allowed 3 days off but I used my discretion to give him a week. He then went awol and HR explained to me the reason you only get 3 days is to get you back to normal life to try and prevent you from getting depressed.

Actually turned out to all be a lie. The guy’s boyfriend rang me because he was worried that he was missing and let slip his ex wife was alive and well living in Canada, but that’s a whole other story!

Tiree1965 · 11/01/2021 17:56

I had 5 days formal bereavement leave when my dad died but a further 2.5 weeks away from work which was at my managers discretion. I offered to get signed off by a Dr but that wasn’t needed. I think any Dr would sign him off and give him time to process everything.

CustardyCreams · 11/01/2021 17:59

I took a week off when my dad died, but my mum was very competent and dealt with the funeral arrangements. I don’t recall even knowing what my employer’s policy was, they just said “take whatever time you need, don’t rush”. I will ever be grateful for that. After a week I just needed to be among people and do normal things. If I had had to d9 all the funeral stuff I would have needed an extra week, so many people to inform and things to organise.

user1471538283 · 11/01/2021 18:01

For immediate family we get 3 days which was more than enough when my DM died and I sorted her flat one weekend and did most of it via telephone. But I had a family member to help me with the death certificate. With my DF I fell apart and ended up being signed off sick for 3 months.

The problem is the classification of immediate family because when we lose my DA I know it will hit me much harder because she is so much more than an aunt to me.

Bluesheep8 · 11/01/2021 18:05

Sorry for your loss op.
I got 5 days compassionate leave when my Dad died. I then took a weeks annual leave on top.

Taskmasterlover · 11/01/2021 18:09

My father passed away suddenly in 2018. I was in my early 20s at the time (not sure if age makes a difference) I think I had around 8 weeks off work, this included 2 weeks prior to his death where we knew it was imminent and then the time after. My work and manager inparticular were incredible and I felt no pressure to come back at any point. I did get a sick note from my GP and unfortunately it did go down as "stress" on my record but I think since the rules have changed and it would be berevement.

Jenasaurus · 11/01/2021 18:10

I waa given 3 weeks off when my DF died in 2007 - My employer at the time was Tesco Clubcard, and then in 2018 when my DM died, I was allowed to take 3 weeks off as well by the NHS (my employer) both employers were kind and caring towards me and offered me as long as I needed, I was very close to my parents and the way they both died was exhausting, in fact I was given the week off before my DF died as he was in the hospice alone as my mum had flu and wasnt allowed to visit and my DSIS was in hospital having surgery so I was the only one with him until the end. 3 days seems like nothing for losing a parent.

Original poster

ScottishStottie · 11/01/2021 19:11

Thank you to everyone for replying, it really helps to have a better idea of normal.time off.

What makes it difficult for me is that my main experience of death was a massive tragic family bereavement (like in the papers for ages, news crews at funeral, long drawn out process) so all family had a lot of time off for that. So in my head when i see dp this upset, i think he should be off for months and months, as my 'normal' is pretty extreme.

Hes doing ok, is talking through feelings etc with me quite honestly, so will leave off pushing for gp if hes not keen, but im definitely keeping tabs on how hes coping.

OP posts:

ememem84 · 11/01/2021 19:21

@HalloumiFries @TableFlowerss @IfTheSockFits

Yep. One of many reasons my very publically “we are family friendly” ex employer is an ex employer.

I didn’t have to deal with the bereavement policy myself (thankfully) but a couple of colleagues did. From all accounts a photo of the death certificate wasn’t sufficient either. They demanded the certified original.

Can imagine that conversation. “Sorry grandma but work won’t give me leave unless I have grandads death cert. can I have a copy please? Not that you’re grieving or anything...?”

Thankfully my current employer are more compassionate. A colleagues father died a while ago and I think she was given leave of around a month (compassionate) then some additional annual leave.

Jouleigh · 11/01/2021 19:23

I think it completely depends where you work.

My current employer would give compassionate leave. My previous one was 3 days. Lots of people then went and got signed off due to the stress.

Possibly your partner needs to do that as it sounds like a really traumatic situation he went through

IndieKate · 11/01/2021 19:30

In my team someone would usually get signed off on sick for grief for a couple of months.

foxhat · 11/01/2021 19:31

I had 2 1/2 weeks after my mum died. She had terminal cancer so we knew it was coming but it happened all of a sudden and we got a 'get here now' call from the hospital whilst at work. She was dead 12 hours later. This was just compassionate leave.

KitKat1985 · 11/01/2021 19:33

Hmm, in my work place you can have up to 5 days but in reality any people get their GP to sign them off for a few weeks if it was particularly distressing!

JustOneMoreStep · 11/01/2021 20:17

I had a week off when my Dad died and then 3 days off for the funeral which was about 3 weeks later

WeAllHaveWings · 11/01/2021 20:26

When my dad died 6 years ago I had a week compassionate leave then I had a weeks annual leave pre booked anyway.

When mum died last year (covid), I had 2 weeks compassionate leave and also flexible for time off for taking care of her affairs. Same company different boss. If I didn't have the second week as compassionate leave I would have been more aware of the leave situation and self certified for a week.

justasmalltownmum · 11/01/2021 20:42

Ours gave 1 week and said to take more if needed.

TableFlowerss · 11/01/2021 21:49

[quote ememem84]**@HalloumiFries* @TableFlowerss* @IfTheSockFits

Yep. One of many reasons my very publically “we are family friendly” ex employer is an ex employer.

Can imagine that conversation. “Sorry grandma but work won’t give me leave unless I have grandads death cert. can I have a copy please? Not that you’re grieving or anything...?”

Thankfully my current employer are more compassionate. A colleagues father died a while ago and I think she was given leave of around a month (compassionate) then some additional annual leave.[/quote]
That’s shocking like. As you say, as if the bereaved isnt going through enough, that the company make even get the original death certificate. Atrocious

GlowingOrb · 11/01/2021 21:53

We get 3 days paid. My company let me take annual leave to cover extra time when my mom died. I’m pretty sure if I had no annual leave available they would have let me take unpaid leave.

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