How much time off if a parent dies?

[ScottishStottie]

Just wondering whats normal in terms of time off when a parent dies?

Dps mum died suddenly last week (non covid related) and we are all still in shock. Dp in particular is still pretty traumatised, it was him that found her, had to do cpr while waiting for ambulance etc. All very difficult.

Work is putting a bit of pressure to come back. (We both work for the same place) and they seemed surprised that dp wouldnt be back till at least after the funeral (in 2 weeks time) policy states 3 days for close family, 2 days for not so close, so he gets 3, i get 2.

Is this really all the time off people have in these situations?? Dp is in no fit state to go back, but is now worried that hes wanting more than he should have.

Im going back this week, to take some pressure off rather than both of us off, but even then im not happy about it, dont want to be leaving dp in on his own atm.

Never dealt with this before so no idea what is normal or what to expect to be allowed.

[quote ScottishStottie]@tableflowerss dp is early 30s, mum was mid 50s. So relatively young.[/quote]
Crikey so they’re both really young. Mid 50’s is no age to die and certainly not average (by about 30 years)

Under there circumstances I’d think the boss would be able to give him a few weeks off, given the circumstances, bless you DH.

I’m sorry for your loss.

We get three days’ compassionate leave but that also includes any time off for funeral or cremation.

When my DS died work phoned me 2 days later to see how they could "support me to get back to work" I was and still am absolutely grieving. I told them there and then I wouldn't be returning and have since found a job with a more considerate manager.

My mum died after a short illness last year. My school policy was 5 working days paid bereavement leave, as I was part time I took what was effectively two weeks off. They said I could take more time off if I needed to and advised me to speak to my GP if I felt I needed it. The day I went back into work was the day they announced the school closures for COVID, so I went back to work for one day and then was ‘off’ for 6 months. Was a very very strange time.

Yes, sadly it's pretty standard. The best employer I've worked for in that regard is actually ASDA, who gave a week for grandparents, cousins, in-laws etc, and two weeks for parents, children etc. All fully paid. Then you could get a sick note if you needed more time than that.

Most places offer a couple of days at most.

I had 2 weeks off when my dad died. The company and my boss were very supportive. If they hadn't been, I'd have signed myself off work for the first week and then gone to the gp after if I still needed more time.

I'm so sorry for you loss

My employer offers up to 5 days bereavement leave for a parent, spouse or child. One of those 5 days must be the funeral (i.e. they don't have to be taken consecutively). We can also apply for an additional 5 days paid compassionate leave (CL is seen as different to BL) if the death had been particularly complex circumstances but this can only be awarded once per 24 month period.

It all sounds harsh but it is a good balancing act in terms of flexibility. As PP have said, colleagues in these situations are normally supported to get GP note to cover them for extra time due to grief or trauma and some may also use annual leave to extend the time off. In reality, I would expect most people in my workplace to use the first 4 days of bereavement leave then get signed of sick for the period until the funeral and then possibly use some annual leave for a day or so afterwards - probably 2-3 weeks total for most people. I know one colleague who was signed off for 3 months around and after the death of her DH. Thankfully, I don't know anyone in the workplace who has lost a child.

I do think that more employees should read up on these policies ahead of time. We'll likely all be in this situation at some point and the problem is that when you are actually dealing with a bereavement, and your emotions are heightened, the starkness of the polices and time "allowed" can seem harsh, bleak and unreasonable. Not saying this is the case here, btw, just a general observation.

i've just checked our staff handbook and there's nothing mentioned. although i believe it's at directors discretion.

in my old job there was a table which specified times:

• parent - 2 days plus day of funeral
• sibling - one day plus day of funeral
• child - one day plus day of funeral
• grandparent - day of funeral only.
• other relative - half day for funeral.

we were also asked to provide evidence of death of relative.

My mum died on a Friday night, Monday was Easter Monday and I went to work on Tuesday. She has been ill for a year though so I had kind of already grieved and the distraction helped. She was buried in her home island which took time to arrange and I had to travel so used the leave then instead.

@ememem84

i've just checked our staff handbook and there's nothing mentioned. although i believe it's at directors discretion.

in my old job there was a table which specified times:

• parent - 2 days plus day of funeral
• sibling - one day plus day of funeral
• child - one day plus day of funeral
• grandparent - day of funeral only.
• other relative - half day for funeral.

we were also asked to provide evidence of death of relative.

One day for a child, compared to 2 days for a parent! That does seem very unreasonable. Also spouses/partners not mentioned? Are they classed as other relative and therefore only granted a half-day?

Not a great policy.

I’m sorry for your loss, it’s so hard isn’t it.
I had 3 days off c/l when my Dad died and then a day for the funeral. Had 4 weeks off when my son died ( signed off by GP) and my other son had 1 day off for the funeral.

I was allowed 3 days off when my mother died, one was for the funeral so I had to be back in work for several days in between her dying and the funeral. I work for NHS and the policy in out department is "up to 5 days" the actual amount you get is at management discretion (ie if your face fits) 🙄

2 days bereavement leave and a week's leave for me. My mother died at 92 after a fall and a short stay in hospital. In my department if you don't have leave left and need more time the usual route is to get signed off with bereavement/stress for a week or so. Some of my staff have not taken any time at all and one person was signed off for 3 months (!)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mum passed away in July. I think work policy is three days compassionate leave plus five days carers leave that has to be taken all separately. But the fact that I don't even know shows how little I cared about it at the time! If your partner's entitled to full pay whilst off sick he's better doing that than allowing himself to be furloughed.

I had one weeks AL, a whole week carers leave and a week sick leave when caring for my mum when she was dying. Then I got a doctor's note for four weeks. I refused to go back until after the funeral and went back to work "lightly". (Meaning nobody asked me to do anything difficult and mostly I sat numbly at my desk for three days a week and WFH numbly for the other two).

Your DP should absolutely get a sick note and accept no pressure to go back before he's ready. Unless he wants to go back, which is fine.

My one brother went back two days after my mum passed away - no other time off as self employed.

My other brother had the day after she passed away and the day of the week of the funeral and I think maybe a weeks AL to give me a break whilst caring for her. Work helped him keep his mind busy and get through it.
Different things work for different people and everyone deals with grief their own way. There's no right or wrong way.

@ememem84

i've just checked our staff handbook and there's nothing mentioned. although i believe it's at directors discretion.

in my old job there was a table which specified times:

• parent - 2 days plus day of funeral
• sibling - one day plus day of funeral
• child - one day plus day of funeral
• grandparent - day of funeral only.
• other relative - half day for funeral.

we were also asked to provide evidence of death of relative.

I am astounded that your ex employers would only give 1 day off for the death of a child and 2 days off for a parent.

1 day off for the loss of a child. Christ, my employer would be lucky if he seen me back within a year. The only reason I’d not fire myself off a bridge if I lost one of my kids, is because I’d not want to leave my other DC without me.

1 day..... absolute disgrace!

It’s a week in the NHS. My manager told to me to go straight to the GP and get signed off with stress when my dad was discharged from hospital to die at home. GP signed me off for 4 weeks which she told me was standard in these circumstances. It was really easy and I got the impression the GP was regularly asked. I had a week off before he died and 3 weeks after. It’s the only time I have been signed off sick. I needed it. I recommend your DH gets a sick note. He has suffered a bereavement in traumatic circumstances.

A good doctor will give you a note. There is so much to do after a bereavement. Companies are right arseholes when it cones to compassion.

**One day for a child, compared to 2 days for a parent! shock That does seem very unreasonable. Also spouses/partners not mentioned? Are they classed as other relative and therefore only granted a half-day?

Not a great policy**

@HalloumiFries

I was thinking the exact same

@ememem84

i've just checked our staff handbook and there's nothing mentioned. although i believe it's at directors discretion.

in my old job there was a table which specified times:

• parent - 2 days plus day of funeral
• sibling - one day plus day of funeral
• child - one day plus day of funeral
• grandparent - day of funeral only.
• other relative - half day for funeral.

we were also asked to provide evidence of death of relative.

You were allowed one day off if your child died? Christ, that's barbaric.

My company gives 5 days for close family and “by agreement” for other relations.

I work 3 days so got nearly 2 weeks for my mum, taking the first week to organise funeral, working at home the following week, then taking all following week (funeral was Mon, my days Tues-Thurs) to sort out seeing solicitor and other stuff (mum lived 2 hrs away).

My niece died 2 yrs later, young, sudden death. My SIL is from abroad so I am their only close relation in UK and immediately went to their side, despite having a difficult relationship with DB.

I emailed work before I left home (she died Friday) stating I would take Tuesday as leave but asking for consideration for some CL, given the circumstances and lack of other relatives.

Our HR director phoned me early Monday, offering condolences and telling me “not to worry about CL”

My boss was advocating for me that week with HR and division managers, and it seemed the final decision didn’t lie with HR but with divisional director.

I was given 1 day. This is a professional company that I had worked for 24 yrs at the time, my work could easily be dropped, but the director wouldn’t budge it seemed. So much for “by agreement”.

Fortunately, by the time I was told the decision, I had already got myself a sick note, so I took the time off anyway. But my loyalty to the company changed and I am just about to take early retirement.

Blimey, you poor loves. How truly sad.
I had about 7/8 working days when my DM died plus 2.5 more for the funeral (in a different city 5 hours from me on PT). There was just sooo much to sort out/do (and only me to do it), plus I felt physically ill the whole time, my heart had been ripped apart and I was constantly retching for days through stress and anxiety.

Three days for parents or siblings but nothing for MIL/FILs. Three days is pretty standard.

If helping with funeral arrangements its a week but if want any more they require GP note.

Oh and all mine was fully paid as CL. No issues at all, I’d worked for them for 24 years by that point.

Ours is 2 weeks. But as a manager I’d expect staff to get signed off for longer if needed.

Another way of looking at it is that there’s a duty of care issue - if at two weeks you’re not feeling able to work (totally understandable), as a manager I would prefer that you have checked in with your GP, who would hopefully have enough of a conversation to establish whether you need further support, rather than just having you sit at home with potentially no one to support you.

That might be a useful way to look at it with your DH after a little bit - if he isn’t feeling well enough to work, he must be feeling bad enough to go to the GP. Absolutely no shame in that, he’s been through a real trauma.

Look after yourself too, being the partner is very difficult too.