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Original poster

Do you have any secrets that could ruin someone's life?

237 replies

LivingInAPrettyWorld · 10/01/2021 11:33

Just something I've been thinking about. A few years ago in my mid 20s I was friends with a much older man at work, who I saw as a fatherly /grandfather figure. I was going through a rough time with my mental health, plus bereavements and I had no friends or family support. He was there for me and I used him as a confidant and shoulder to cry on, so to speak.

I was naive and really did think saw me in a similar way - like a daughter or niece or something. I was also emotionally all over the place so I didn't see the signs, which looking back were there. One day in his car he held me against the seat and kissed me on my mouth, and put his hands up my thigh, and up the back of my top. I was so stunned and tried to move back but he wouldn't let me move and kept moving my head back. Fortunately it didn't go any further than that. He then told me he was in love with me and never felt like that about anyone.

I didn't tell anyone because I think people would have thought I led him on as I put myself in that situation. I never met him alone again, and he turned quite nasty towards me as well as tried to manipulate me. He has a wife who obviously hasn't a clue. It would bring her world crashing down if she knew and I'm sure if she did, she would blame me as I know she was besotted with him. It will be a secret I take to the grave as I'm so ashamed about it and how dumb I have been.

OP posts:
OhWhyNot · 10/01/2021 15:26

Ive known of numerous affairs, I’m not so sure the partner isn’t aware.

Someone close to me it was suspected that she was sexually abused by her father when she was very very young. I wish I don’t know. I don’t know if she is aware it’s never spoken about and makes me feel ill thinking about it

GoGina · 10/01/2021 15:27

Yes I do, but I will take those secrets to my grave!

rosetylersbiggun · 10/01/2021 15:36

The wife of a very famous British actor has a Twitter account under a fake name that she uses to obsessively monitor everything that's said about her husband online. If anyone even tangentially connected to him tweets something she doesn't approve of (not gossip or anything negative, literally like the official Twitter account for the film her husband is shooting tweeting behind the scenes photos of him, or BBC1 radio technicians tweeting they're excited to meet him) she'll phone up and scream at them and demand they're fired for not getting her permission first.

When they first married she was given a hard time by a small group of nutters who really hated her, so she pretended to be one of them (i.e. pretended she hated... herself) in order to gain access to their private groups and locked social media accounts. Her profile picture is an orangutan.

KeyBored · 10/01/2021 15:37

One that may or may not be a secret.

My cousins are all adopted, and not related to each other. They apparently have never been told this (so goodness knows why we were, but we’ve always been told not to let them know).

It’s entirely possible that our (now dead) grandparents were talking utter pish and that they’ve known since they were tiny. I hope so, but it’s hardly something we can ask them, and occasional remarks about things like ‘having the family hair’ make me wonder.

fairydustandpixies · 10/01/2021 15:38

Yes. Former employers who are drug dealers, tax evaders, sexual predators, their accountant is complicit, one of their former employees has a huge list of previous convictions...I'm just biding my time. They all destroyed my life for a while.

Thelnebriati · 10/01/2021 15:43

I thought I did, I spent months agonising over what to do and in the end reported what I know to the police. They haven't taken action.
I know it can feel like you can bring someone else's world crashing down, but a lot of the time that's not how it pans out.

Trusting someone doesn't make you dumb. Do you think you could talk to someone about what happened?

saracorona · 10/01/2021 15:44

People tell me their secrets. I don't know why or how they know that I can keep secrets. I looked after the elderly in the 70's and eighties and what some of them me told was a revelation. It was really interesting the vast differences of their life experiences. I learnt there, not to judge a book by it's cover!

heatered · 10/01/2021 15:46

I raised a safe guarding issue about a reception/special needs child, a member of staff at the school I worked at was physically and mentally abusive towards him (and another on occasion) others saw but didn't have the guts to report. Unfortunately I wasn't taken seriously and regularly saw the mother of the child being friendly with the staff member, she even bought her gifts and offered sympathy etc, it was so sick to see. To cut a long story short the member of staff was made redundant but nothing was officially recorded. I was made out to be troubled and the stress of it all made me ill. I left to. I still see that boys mother around the village, it still feels so wrong that she was never even told there had been an accusation made, if it had been my child I would want to know. I have thought of letting her know but don't know what good it would do to either of us. I've come out of it worse than I'd ever imagined. There are still staff at that school who know what happened and helped cover it up. I didn't stand a chance alone.

bettyshotspot · 10/01/2021 15:52

Loads - wish I didn't, benefit fraud, Criminal activity, an old teacher and my last GP being very very inappropriate, really can't be bothered to do anything about any of it as it would cause a shit storm in all cases, does play on my mind though

BaggoMcoys · 10/01/2021 15:54

I once dated a man and things were starting to get quite serious when I discovered that he had a wife at home.

I'm not sure it would ruin their lives as I don't know if they are still together, but at the time I very much wanted to warn his wife. I didn't, as I didn't want to hurt her, but I was disgusted with him and sometimes I think about her and hope for her sake that she is rid of him. It wasn't just that he had cheated, I discovered some other bad habits of his around the same time - he was basically a cocklodger who didn't work, gambled away his wife's hard earned money, and had paid for sex.

BaggoMcoys · 10/01/2021 15:59

@heatered

I raised a safe guarding issue about a reception/special needs child, a member of staff at the school I worked at was physically and mentally abusive towards him (and another on occasion) others saw but didn't have the guts to report. Unfortunately I wasn't taken seriously and regularly saw the mother of the child being friendly with the staff member, she even bought her gifts and offered sympathy etc, it was so sick to see. To cut a long story short the member of staff was made redundant but nothing was officially recorded. I was made out to be troubled and the stress of it all made me ill. I left to. I still see that boys mother around the village, it still feels so wrong that she was never even told there had been an accusation made, if it had been my child I would want to know. I have thought of letting her know but don't know what good it would do to either of us. I've come out of it worse than I'd ever imagined. There are still staff at that school who know what happened and helped cover it up. I didn't stand a chance alone.
That's a horrible secret to bear but it really sounds like you did your best under the circumstances. It's awful to think that there are still people who will cover up abuse in this way. They're the ones who should be living with it on their conscience, and the abuser too. It sounds like you made a difference as the staff member was made redundant, that's something positive at least.
Ratonastick · 10/01/2021 15:59

I do. A high profile person whose behaviour in private was appalling and completely at odds with her very carefully managed image. I have watched from the sidelines until this year when her world crashed around her. It was completely her own doing and, fortunately, only really impacted her instead of the 100s who could have seen their livelihoods devastated. She didn’t need my help, her own poison and spiteful behaviour were more than enough and she will have to live with that knowledge for the rest of her life.

Shodan · 10/01/2021 16:03

Yes, quite a few. People know that when they tell me something it goes no further and it stays with me to the grave.

Except for one instance. The person concerned is trying to cause massive trouble (think going to court type trouble), is a nasty person generally and it's only because of the huge potential trouble for them that I haven't let that secret out. But if they continue down the road they're going I will let it out and they can take the consequences of their shit behaviour.

MadameBlobby · 10/01/2021 16:06

Yes.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2021 16:07

Ruin? Probably not, but certainly disrupt and affect.

Three of my cousins have a 1/2 brother that as far as I know, they know nothing about. My aunt (apparently) knew about the affair but not the woman involved nor that she had a child. This same aunt had an affair with our family doctor (also a family friend), but I don't know whose affair came first and whose was in retaliation. My mum accidentally spilt the beans some years ago thinking I already knew. She immediately clammed up when I tried to probe and made me swear not to tell. I intend to keep that promise since I don't know enough to help my cousins locate their sibling, nor would it serve anyone to expose my aunt's affair other than to make me look like a tittle-tattle.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2021 16:08

This all happened in the early '60s.

ktld · 10/01/2021 16:09

@Wendyhause

Some sad stories in this thread. Yes I have secrets which could harm people but would not do that. I am not evil. Others have knowledge of aspects of my life that I would not want surfacing again or informing others who do not know so it works both ways.
This. 100%
Lampzade · 10/01/2021 16:13

Several
One regarding the paternity of friend’s child
Another ex friend’s affair

GCAcademic · 10/01/2021 16:19

@rosetylersbiggun

The wife of a very famous British actor has a Twitter account under a fake name that she uses to obsessively monitor everything that's said about her husband online. If anyone even tangentially connected to him tweets something she doesn't approve of (not gossip or anything negative, literally like the official Twitter account for the film her husband is shooting tweeting behind the scenes photos of him, or BBC1 radio technicians tweeting they're excited to meet him) she'll phone up and scream at them and demand they're fired for not getting her permission first.

When they first married she was given a hard time by a small group of nutters who really hated her, so she pretended to be one of them (i.e. pretended she hated... herself) in order to gain access to their private groups and locked social media accounts. Her profile picture is an orangutan.

I think I can guess who this is.
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 10/01/2021 16:27

Rather similar experience to yours op except that

  1. I was much younger
  2. It was more consensual
  3. He is now dead.

I see you’re still blaming yourself- I did that for many decades and it is only in the last few years that I have truly accepted it wasn’t my fault and I have nothing at all to be ashamed of. I hope you come to see that about your situation one day.
I don’t intend to tell people because I don’t think it would make the world a better place if I did. He is fondly remembered for his many good points- nobody needs to know about his dark side, though if it came up I wouldn’t lie.

BalloonSlayer · 10/01/2021 16:31

I have been told stuff about a couple of people I know, and also someone famous, that i have never repeated, and wouldn't repeat it in a blind way as people have done upthread either. Quite how those revelations come under the category of undisclosed after doing that, I am not sure.

One reason is that I fear ruining lives. The other is that with the passing of years it has occurred to me that the "secrets" i was told may in fact have been malicious lies all along.

It's my experience that some people know a lot of "shocking secrets" about other people . . . I suspect this means they make stuff up. There are three people in my life I have met that told me hair-raising, life-ruining, secrets about lots of people. Malicious gossips, all of them.

Tistheseason17 · 10/01/2021 16:33

I would be paid quite a lot of money for the secret I have on one very rich/powerful person but I like my anonymity too much to spill. The people who tell never end up with good lives - their reputations are tarnished whether they share about someone famous or some gossip in the local village.

I am someone that secrets are spilled to on a regular basis. Always been my view that it is not my secret to tell. Obviously, if it was criminal and could hurt others I would tell.

GameSetMatch · 10/01/2021 16:34

Yes I have two but ones about a dead footballer so don’t think I could ‘ruin’ his life. The other is my husband brother had a baby with somebody and it sadly died but we are not allowed to tell my husbands brothers new wife, I feel so cruel not telling her but it’s not my secret to tell, she believes he never wanted kids and she really wants one, she would be devastated everybody knew except her.

Whiskysoda · 10/01/2021 16:37

Yes. I know a ‘happily’ married couple, so happy she boasts “we’ve never been happier” when in actuality he began an affair some 30+ years ago. He is still in contact with his mistress and she had a daughter to him.
He’s never met his daughter, nor his grandchildren, but it would destroy his comfortable life if it became common knowledge.

His daughter is the absolute image of her father.

froggydoggy · 10/01/2021 16:44

I bumped into a friend of my mums at an abortion clinic, we were both waiting for the procedure. Her husband didn't know she was there as she'd been having an affair and the baby wasn't his. Her abortion gave her an infection, she was admitted to a hospital where she stayed for a week, the hospital staff were sworn to secrecy and told not to divulge the reason for her infection to her husband, he was furious that no one would tell him what was wrong, he phoned my mum shouting about how the food and treatment his wonderful wife was getting was unacceptable. I felt so sorry for the guy. This was 15 years ago and he never found out.

Since then my husband and I have had a major falling out with this couple so there have been plenty of opportunities to divulge this secret but I don't think I ever will.