Do you have any secrets that could ruin someone's life?

[LivingInAPrettyWorld]

Just something I've been thinking about. A few years ago in my mid 20s I was friends with a much older man at work, who I saw as a fatherly /grandfather figure. I was going through a rough time with my mental health, plus bereavements and I had no friends or family support. He was there for me and I used him as a confidant and shoulder to cry on, so to speak.

I was naive and really did think saw me in a similar way - like a daughter or niece or something. I was also emotionally all over the place so I didn't see the signs, which looking back were there. One day in his car he held me against the seat and kissed me on my mouth, and put his hands up my thigh, and up the back of my top. I was so stunned and tried to move back but he wouldn't let me move and kept moving my head back. Fortunately it didn't go any further than that. He then told me he was in love with me and never felt like that about anyone.

I didn't tell anyone because I think people would have thought I led him on as I put myself in that situation. I never met him alone again, and he turned quite nasty towards me as well as tried to manipulate me. He has a wife who obviously hasn't a clue. It would bring her world crashing down if she knew and I'm sure if she did, she would blame me as I know she was besotted with him. It will be a secret I take to the grave as I'm so ashamed about it and how dumb I have been.

Yes, but I don't think they're things that SHOULD ruin anyone's life (think recreational drug use, in a profession that cares about such things).

Two spring to mind.
The first is something I feel horrible about keeping to myself. I went to a well-known drama school, and had a well-known tutor. He mentally abused me and made my life absolute hell. He is a cruel fucking bastard. I vividly remember fainting from fear, and coming to with him standing over me hissing that I'd never achieve anything, that I was fucking worthless etc. I had a nervous breakdown. This was all witnessed by my fellow students and staff, but they were all terrified of him. Drama schools are weird like that- bullying is endemic.
I did have a fellow student approach me a few years ago saying that he felt huge guilt for doing nothing, and if I ever wanted to report him, he would support me. Tutor has since been accused of sexual abuse of a student, and I can see how that would fit into the pattern of bullying and control I experienced. But I don't feel strong enough to speak up. Which is horrible.

The second is about a former friend of mine. She became a massive racist (saying things about "keeping the white race pure" and that sort of thing.) I told her what I thought of her and cut her off. She is now a well-known child psychologist that pops up on the radio and telly every so often. I wonder what people would think of her extreme views.

Yep, not my secret to tell though so I never will. And you weren't dumb OP, every bit of the blame for what happened to you lies with him

Yes a few things. One I wish I didn't know because it is about someone related to my children, and if it became widely known, I would not like them linked to the person in question.

A friend who knew one of my hobbies was genealogy, asked me to research her family tree - specifically to uncover an interesting story concerning her grandmother. It was reasonably easy to find out what happened, but while I was going through the records, I discovered that my friend and her sister were ‘illegitimate’ and had different fathers. My friend believes her mother divorced her father after he deserted the family and I’m certainly not going to tell her otherwise.

One, nothing scandalous though. A friend who is gay in a country where it's very unaccepted, if word were to get out there the likelihood of him losing his job and being disowned by his family are high. Really sad situation.

Yes, I know a few, not involving anyone famous but enough to ruin families or working relationships.

I find that people tell me things, I don't always want to know but I do know how to keep a secret

My friend has a child with a man who is married, successful, prominent in his field.

His wife and three children have no idea. In fact I think I’m the only person who knows aside from them.

He was in a relationship with my friend for many years dumped her spectacularly. I wouldn’t ever tell but I think she is quietly planning her revenge so I’m sure he’ll find his life ruined sooner or later

Quite a few.

I know a 'couple' who are very closely related. They used to live in my hometown and when they got together they moved to the other side of the country. I also moved 5 minutes up the road (complete coincidence) when I moved in with DH (also to avoid scandal ) and we bumped into each other in the village. They know I know and I'd never tell a soul but it's still grim to see them in this context.

Not a 'secret' as such because loads of people know about it - but the man in question's wife doesn't and if I decided to tell her then it would ruin her life. I haven't told her because I'm not that close to her and feel it's not my business, but it would be absolutely devastating.

Apart from that.... No

@OnceIWasAnApe does the last name start with b?

Yes.

One, a friend of mine got into a relationship with her best friends long term boyfriend whilst said best friend was travelling abroad for a year and they were on a 'break' to see if they wanted a forever commitment.

Technically not cheating, he was free to date but really, not her best friend. A betrayal all the same. Boyfriend and my friend were properly together for three months, she was seeing his family, going for Sunday lunch etc etc before they felt guilty and knocked it on the head. Loads of people knew about it, how the best friend never found out I do not know. But they kept it quiet from her, including his family, and now lots of years later the best friend is married to the boyfriend and they have a son and my friend is happily married with her own children. The best friend would be absolutely devastated if she knew about this relationship not to mention the numerous other 'friends' of hers the boyfriend slept with whilst she was away. My friend is still close with them both.

He's always super nice to everyone, he's a real charmer when I see him (rarely!) but I always look at him and think 'you bloody sneak'. Even now

Yes, but as it doesn't affect me and it would only be an act of spite if I did tell, so will keep it to myself.

I know someone who cheated on his wife. And I know someone who was booted from a choir because they caught him grooming a 15yo boy in the toilets. The latter is now an ex-friend after I found this out, but there are loads of people who are still friends with him and think he’s a nice guy because they don’t know.

Yes and I wish I'd never been told. The weight of responsibility is shit and has made me unwell.

Yep.
The former friend who had an affair with my husband also had affairs with two other of her friends husbands. Ok ow she never owned up to them. She was forced to own up by her narcissistic husband when it suited him. He's abusive.
It didn't suit him to make her own up to the others as one couple had already cut them out of their lives because of his behaviour not hers and there was nothing to gain from the other knowing.

The fall out is extreme and the kids don't know and will never know.

Yes definitely. I work in a role with access to high profile & very sensitive information. I would never tell a soul though. More than my integrity is worth, never mind my job.

I know about a few celebrities casual drug habits, some before they are as well known as they are now. I suspect some would be put on "trial by social media" even if nothing could be proved.

Yes and I reported them, they blame me for their lives being a failure.

@Mycomfyplacetochill

A friend slept with his sister, they were both adults and she took advantage of his poor mental health. They'd grown up with different adopted parents and found each other on social media.

He has since distanced himself from her as she was manipulative and eventually saw through it. It will haunt him forever and his mental health is now worse than ever. He nearly ended his life because of her.

As in, brother and sister?

I was at school with a girl who was a complete snob and a braggart; she had a very high opinion of herself and was generally not a very nice person.

My parents were close friends with her mum and step father, and because of this I knew that her bio father wasn’t the ‘successful entrepreneur’ she made him out to be at school, but was in fact a seasoned criminal in prison for GBH.

I never told a soul, even though she was often a bit of a cow to me, and I used to think she was taking a bit of risk there, as I had it my power to really destroy her ‘posh girl’ image - she must have known that I knew; our dads and her step dad had all known each other for a long, long time.

I’m glad I was the bigger person, looking back. Her life hasn’t quite panned out as she had hoped, and I think a lot of her bullshit at school was probably a front for insecurity.

No, and I would hate to, particularly if it involved a friend of mine, as I would feel terribly guilty / anxious by association!

Yes my mother told me that my father was actually her uncle... even though I’d found out independently years before. Has made our relationship very difficult. I can well imagine she was the instigator of the relations and may well have conceived the pregnancy to be looked after. It sounds very harsh but my father was reasonably well off and in a good job and I think she saw an opportunity when he went through a loss. She has relied on him totally financially, he was kind and generous man, even now after his passing. She left school young with no qualifications and had only worked for three years of her life. She’s 50 now. The only other person in my life who knows the truth is my husband. I was very sad not to have her at our wedding but I remain so embarrassed by the truth that I didn’t want her at the ceremony in case she told my friends the truth of how my parents actually met. I also think the shame has something to do with me not wanting children of my own. I feel I don’t want to carry on the family line...

Some sad stories in this thread. Yes I have secrets which could harm people but would not do that. I am not evil.
Others have knowledge of aspects of my life that I would not want surfacing again or informing others who do not know so it works both ways.

B-list actor who abuses his wife, does coke, hits on other women and tries to get them to have threesomes.

Famous female theatre director who's a rape apologist and closeted lesbian (which is of course fine) who stalks female actresses and tries to dictate their sex lives.

Famous playwright is a perv who cheats on his wife non-stop.