Zoom call that has made me feel shit

[Ahallly]

NC as very outing. Had a zoom call last night with five friends. All relatively close but some closer than others. Subject turns to money and this one woman who tends to dominate decided to ask if we were all being sensible and keeping up with savings each month she then said to us to ‘go round the zoom’ and let’s say what we are all saving to keep us all on track. They all said a figure between 800-1,200 and mine was 200. Then they started talking about what was left on mortgages with them all having 10 years to go!! I have 20!! It was really uncomfortable. After the call my closest friend called me and asked if I was ok as she must have sensed I was upset. I live alone and it’s hard to save. She said this woman might have been worried about her finances and that she wasn’t saving 1,000 a month in reality and had just copied the others.

I know it’s silly but I never thought about friends savings before and now I’m so worried I’m really unusual or not going to be able to pay off a mortgage as fast and so on. Just wanted a sense check really. We are all in mid/late 30s. Feel a bit shit about it.

Sounds bizarre to me! There can’t be many 30somethings saving £1000 a month.

And next time someone suggests such a personal topic for a zoom conversation fgs don’t participate. That’s not fun after dinner entertainment!

I think your friend clearly needed some kind of validation of her own worries and in doing so, made you feel like shit. I can't even begin to imagine a conversation with friends where we're asked to disclose the level of our savings, or my complying with that request. That would've received a "fuck off, that's not your business!" response from me.

Your friend was bang out of order and IMO you're got a right to feel upset - feeling caught on the hop like that is a crappy experience.

Sounds like someone just wanted to brag about how much money they had tbh.

Not surprised it made you feel bad, it was a shitty thing for her to do, but worth remembering that this year in particular there are a lot of people out there taking from savings rather than putting in, so you aren't doing badly - and you don't know for certain that all of them on the call are putting that much aside.

This isn't normal behaviour. Why did you all go along with it?

That woman sounds like a berk

Because everyone else was chatting away and I had five faces staring at me when it was my ‘turn’ it was horrible

Oh OP it is rubbish. I compare myself to other constantly despite knowing it’s the thief of joy. I have hardly any saving and a million billion years left on my mortgage for a tiny house.

The dominant friend is a giant bell-end!

Are the others all living with someone?

Don't feel shit, feel cross!
People should have told the nosey sod to piss off!
You don't have to share your personal information.

I'm going to be blunt

You are in your 30s. You should not be taking on peer pressure like this.

Also, why would you discuss your finances? Maybe with a close friend, but on a Zoom call?

So what if you are unusual in that group. If you are okay with your spending habits, that's it.

Did you honestly feel okay answering such a nosey question?

This is odd! Also, some people would love to be in your position of being able to save £200 a month! And having only 20 years left on their mortgage. Stop comparing yourself to others, you will be far happier.

She sounds really awful. I know what you mean about comparing yourself to others and she will only have done this to show off. Please try not to feel bad.

She sounds like a bragging bitch. Why are you friends with this person?!

I'd have just told her not to be so fucking nosey!!

Good God. Who goes round a table discussing how much they save and how much they’re essentially in debt. Talk about crass.

Incidentally, you’re doing well if you’re saving £200 a month, that’s £200 more than I am :-)

And anyone wanting to gloat that they’re managing to save £1000/£1200 a month is either lying or earning too much,

WTF!! People actually answered that question?
I don’t think I know anyone who would have in those circumstances, unless this was actually a group session with a financial advisor/shopaholics anonymous.

I don’t know any mid 30’s with only 10 years to go in the mortgage? Mid 40’s yes that could be the case.
Sounds a really awkward conversation

In my experience, people who have money do not talk about their savings. My DP tells me and no one else. It's crass to talk about money. She wanted validation and probably wasn't telling the truth unless she wanted to brag. If she wanted to brag then fine. If she isn't a good friend to do that.

Saving £200 a month is still better than a lot and if you're single and they aren't then you're comparing apple and pears.

I have been in similar situation,but not on zoom.
I just refused to talk about it and say uts not appropriate night out chat. I wasn't the richest nor the poorest in the group but that's not the point. Why do I need to know anyone else's fiances? Even mores so why I would I want anyone to be uncomfortable?
Strange!

How odd. Do you normally discuss finances like this?

Fucking hell, I'd have hung up! What a bitch!
Like pp said, a lot of people are taking out rather than putting into savings atm.
Fwiw I'm saving 100 a month and don't have a mortgage, I rent. That's life sometimes.

That is such a fucking weird conversation!

FWIW OP, I am 33, I have 33 years left on my mortgage, and my money only just stretches to the end of the month with care and attention. I don’t have savings.

I suspect most were lying! We save very little at the moment, invest in our house and basically just live a good life, ignore and move on