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Original poster

Zoom call that has made me feel shit

253 replies

Ahallly · 30/12/2020 11:02

NC as very outing. Had a zoom call last night with five friends. All relatively close but some closer than others. Subject turns to money and this one woman who tends to dominate decided to ask if we were all being sensible and keeping up with savings each month Hmm she then said to us to ‘go round the zoom’ and let’s say what we are all saving to keep us all on track. They all said a figure between 800-1,200 and mine was 200. Then they started talking about what was left on mortgages with them all having 10 years to go!! I have 20!! It was really uncomfortable. After the call my closest friend called me and asked if I was ok as she must have sensed I was upset. I live alone and it’s hard to save. She said this woman might have been worried about her finances and that she wasn’t saving 1,000 a month in reality and had just copied the others.

I know it’s silly but I never thought about friends savings before and now I’m so worried I’m really unusual or not going to be able to pay off a mortgage as fast and so on. Just wanted a sense check really. We are all in mid/late 30s. Feel a bit shit about it.

OP posts:
Nonamesavail · 30/12/2020 12:08

Would have told her where to go

Rangoon · 30/12/2020 12:09

She sounds dreadfully rude. Isn't the old rule not to talk about money or religion? I think the thing to do in those situations is to smile pleasantly and say, "I'd really rather not say, that's a personal matter". Next time, she's probably going to check that you are all "on track" or compare credit card balances. For what it's worth, people with serious money are often very low key and wouldn't dream of having a conversation of this sort. I agree it is harder to save and pay a mortgage on your own but at least you have a house and many people these days can't say that and you won't have to split it with anybody either.

Nonamesavail · 30/12/2020 12:09

I dont have anything to save!

Woahisme · 30/12/2020 12:09

What's with her general tone anyway? "I'm checking you are all being sensible and saving".

It wouldn't matter if you blowing your money in whoopee cushions and digestive biscuits each month and doing into your overdraft to fund it. As long as you aren't doing anything illegal or immoral, whose business is it?

I've posted above and I'm still annoyed on your behalf OP Angry

HerselfIndoors · 30/12/2020 12:10

Bloody hell OP, in my circles saving £200 a month would be seen as impressive, and I'm in a professional field. Oh and I'm 50+, single and have very nearly 20 years to go on my mortgage. It's what I could afford and allowed me to get my own place after separation. I'm delighted to have been offered it.

This is a classic example of people talking about money to try to bolster their own insecurities and check to make sure they're doing better than someone else. It's incredibly rude and petty. Just ignore it and remember that although trying to stay financially on top of things is important (and you're doing fine), piling up money is not a great aim in life in itself and doesn't make people happy.

Heyahun · 30/12/2020 12:11

Is this woman a friend? Wtf if someone suggested that as a topic in a catch up call I’d laugh at them tbh it’s so ridiculous- she sounds so boring ! Just don’t talk to her again 😂😂

Mumtoalittlegirl · 30/12/2020 12:12

Single women can earn high salaries! £1000 savings per month is very achievable for some on high income - even women😂

Of course. Generally though it is difficult to save high amounts as a single person- male or female. As living expenses are often huge when you only have one income to cover it, that’s all I meant. I say that as someone who has been on a high income living alone in London.

LastChanceBalloon · 30/12/2020 12:12

What a weird topic for a friendly Zoom chat! I fail to see how the finances of other grown adults is anything to do with anyone. Just don’t engage with this BS again.

bellinisurge · 30/12/2020 12:13

Go around the Zoom to talk about your private financial business.
I think my cat's arse would have made another guest appearance in that one.
In my thirties, I was lucky to save a fiver a month

Thedarknightsaredrawingin · 30/12/2020 12:15

She’s not a friend!

CharlotteRose90 · 30/12/2020 12:15

This is why you don’t talk about money with friends haha. Do not feel down about it. I’m early thirties and I’ve been saving 1000 a month but only because it’s for a deposit and I’m working from home so haven’t been out and about. I’m hoping to buy my first house next year and without saving so much I couldn’t.

We’re all on different slopes so don’t take it to heart.

HerselfIndoors · 30/12/2020 12:16

Of course some people have large amounts of money coming in and can save more. But not most people, and given how many people are desperately struggling at the moment and some unable to even buy food, it's a really crass thing to go on about.

Saving for retirement/emergencies is sensible, but it's not a contest to save the most. In fact if you have that much spare cash it would be better to give some away and/or spend it to help the economy, not just save it all.

Original poster
Ahallly · 30/12/2020 12:16

@Apollo3 Shock are you on a very high salary to do that?!

I was just so surprised by it all and everyone else seemed to love going into the detail! As it’s not something I’ve ever discussed I started wondering if everyone our age was in that situation and where I had gone wrong!

OP posts:
HerselfIndoors · 30/12/2020 12:17

(Charlotte x-posted - that wasn't aimed at you! Saving for a mortgage also makes sense!)

Nonamesavail · 30/12/2020 12:18

[quote Ahallly]@Apollo3 Shock are you on a very high salary to do that?!

I was just so surprised by it all and everyone else seemed to love going into the detail! As it’s not something I’ve ever discussed I started wondering if everyone our age was in that situation and where I had gone wrong![/quote]
Sometimes people do weird things like make up answers to this. I bet they were not all telling the truth

livefornaps · 30/12/2020 12:18

Tell her it sounds like she's never had an orgasm in her life and that she should be less hung up on putting it away and more set on getting off.

katy1213 · 30/12/2020 12:19

And of five grown women not one of you said, 'Mind your own bloody business?' Are you sheep? People can only dominate in this unpleasant way if you let them.

Spuriously17windows · 30/12/2020 12:20

Your friend sounds really socially awkward, or just has no class.

WankPuffins · 30/12/2020 12:21

@Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst the time we were struggling and lived in a rented house which they were appalled with and I thought they were going to die when I said I bought clothes off eBay and charity shops and so I distanced myself from them and now don't have anything to do with them.

I'm having this at the moment. After years of not having any friends I recently met some other local women with babies online. Outwardly I'm quite posh sounding so they thought I was one of them.
Oh I used to be! But for the past 12 years I'be been broke after losing it all in a divorce. I'll never have anything again and I'm fine with that and my life now. But I've noticed things have cooled since they found out the way I live. It's very sad.

islockdownoveryet · 30/12/2020 12:22

She sounds a right tit , If I'm saving £100 a month I think I'm winning at life but I wouldn't discuss it like a competition.
Ignore she sounds childish and a right goady fucker as they say on Mumsnet Grin

jessstan1 · 30/12/2020 12:22

I can't imagine anything more bizarre than discussing personal finances on zoom. I doubt everyone told the absolute truth. Nobody should have been urged to do that. Can you imagine asking someone in real life how much (if anything) they saved each month? It's an appalling intrusion. In the op's place I'd have backed out of the call but also think I would have refused to say because it's private.

For the record, and I don't mind saying now, I saved nothing at all worth mentioning when I was younger and certainly not as a parent with young child. I might have put money by for a specific purpose, eg holiday, but generally it was getting by month to month with the help of overdrafts. Those were the days.

Later on, being better off, money accumulated somewhat because I (& husband), didn't have to spend it all every month and we found ourselves in a more comfortable position. Then came pensions.

We get there in the end but there should be no competition about these things and it's up to the individual how they manage.

Mumtoalittlegirl · 30/12/2020 12:23

@Apollo3

No that is most definitely unusual. I say that as someone who works in banking. That’s great for you, but I think you need a reality check!

Don't know what banking has got to do with it, but its not at all unusual. There have been articles in the dailys about it...plus its simple logic...same amount of money coming in, less of it being spent. It would be weird if people were NOT saving more money than they were before.

I mean I work in a job where I deal with peoples finances and accounts, from a very broad demographic of people. So yes I would definitely say it is rare to be able to save that much. Also most people would be looking to pay off mortgage/ debts before adding it to savings unless for a particular purpose of course.

It’s great though that you can do that. Savings are very important. I have family members who waste money so badly and are literally giving up their future meals out/ clothes!

Camphillgirl · 30/12/2020 12:23

On your own saving £200 p.month is some achievement. Just a thought. Do you need to save up. Maybe you could use some of that £200 a month savings to overpay your mortgage. That would be savings also and your mortgage would be paid off earlier. Savings rates are so poor at the moment, it might be a better option. I always check out these things with Martin Lewis moneysaver. He usually has good advice. Be proud of yourself you have done so well.

5lilducks · 30/12/2020 12:26

Candyfloss99

Well my WiFi would have suddenly gone off and I'd have lost the call!!

Mine too Grin

OP, don't be a pushover, next time if you don't like to participate in a conversation on finances/pensions or any other topic for that matter then tell them so, and go for a loo break and a coffee. Tbh I wouldn't have a zoom call with that woman again . Too much hard work. Next time she might want to compare partners dick sizes - who knows Hmm

DowntonCrabby · 30/12/2020 12:26

Honestly you’re fine, don’t worry at all, everyone will obviously have different income/outgoings/priorities.

I find this utterly astounding though, is she usually so blunt and bossy? I’d happily chat about money with close friends but no one would dream of railroading others into such a conversation.

There’s a huge problem when people feel you have to do life exactly as they do, it shows such emotional immaturity and a complete lack of self awareness.

Flowers OP you do you, if you weren’t worried about this before the chat there’s no reason to now. It honestly says more about her than you all as a group.