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Original poster

Zoom call that has made me feel shit

253 replies

Ahallly · 30/12/2020 11:02

NC as very outing. Had a zoom call last night with five friends. All relatively close but some closer than others. Subject turns to money and this one woman who tends to dominate decided to ask if we were all being sensible and keeping up with savings each month Hmm she then said to us to ‘go round the zoom’ and let’s say what we are all saving to keep us all on track. They all said a figure between 800-1,200 and mine was 200. Then they started talking about what was left on mortgages with them all having 10 years to go!! I have 20!! It was really uncomfortable. After the call my closest friend called me and asked if I was ok as she must have sensed I was upset. I live alone and it’s hard to save. She said this woman might have been worried about her finances and that she wasn’t saving 1,000 a month in reality and had just copied the others.

I know it’s silly but I never thought about friends savings before and now I’m so worried I’m really unusual or not going to be able to pay off a mortgage as fast and so on. Just wanted a sense check really. We are all in mid/late 30s. Feel a bit shit about it.

OP posts:
userxx · 30/12/2020 11:13

How bizarre. Why are you friends with her?

Soutiner · 30/12/2020 11:14

How vulgar!

On the plus side though if you have revealed yourself to be in a lower financial situation than the others at least none of them will try to tap you to lend them any money if the need arises!

I suspect that some lied after the first person revealed what they saved so don’t dwell on it.

You can always turn it around and make jokes about the vulgar one and call her Miss Moneybags!

Plus you now have ammunition if at any time in the future she is a tightwad regarding chipping in to a meal, drinks or combined gifting.

crankysaurus · 30/12/2020 11:14

I have friends who work in financial services that constantly start up conversations around money, doesn't help that they all earn at least double what we do. I normally subtly leave the room to get a drink or change the subject, but equally saying 'I'd rather not discuss that' is fine too. Not great of her to do that to you on a zoom call where you can't disappear as easily but don't feel you have to answer or be part of the conversation if she does it again. And I agree that it's more about her own insecurities than what you're actually saving.

BibbityBobbityBellend · 30/12/2020 11:16

@sashagabadon I'm early 30s and have 10 years left but it's because we've elected to pay almost double for half the time and we haven't over exerted ourselves with house size and have less holidays etc. Obviously I save a lot less because of this but it's nothing to do with earnings, it's just how we chose to spend what we have.

Original poster
Ahallly · 30/12/2020 11:16

No it’s never come up before and I am the same I would never want to talk about it! Posters asking why did I answer...everyone else seemed happy to talk about it! It was awkward. I don’t know this one woman that well, we are friends but I’m least closest to her.

It wasn’t really said in a gloating way either, they all just seemed happy to share advice with each other and it even went into pensions etc! But then again none of them were the odd one out!

Yes, two live with partners the other two don’t and the last is living with parents due to relationship breakdown (but owns a house that is rented out at the moment)

OP posts:
Ansterdame · 30/12/2020 11:18

Sounds like the worst call ever and your friend/s behaved terribly. I can’t believe everyone on the call went along with it!

Namechangeme87 · 30/12/2020 11:18

Who even talks like this ? What a weirdo

Ansterdame · 30/12/2020 11:19

I hope the friends see this thread and feel ashamed of themselves

HeronLanyon · 30/12/2020 11:19

Well done for saving regularly at all. I’m sure the majority aren’t in a position to do this.
As for the zoom it sounds outrageous for someone to suddenly suggest this as a topic of conversation (unless in an established ‘savings support group’ if such a thing exists and this clearly wasn’t that).
Don’t give it another thought other than to adjust your views about those who initiated it and took part.
Well done you. So they have more disposable income (or said they do) - entitled show offs !

WeeDangerousSpike · 30/12/2020 11:20

Good grief, I'd have told her to mind her own bloody business!

As for saving 1200 a month - I work full time and take home 1600!

SquishySquirmy · 30/12/2020 11:21

That is super super weird.
I imagine most of the others on the call were thinking "wtf?" too, but were so blindsided by weird dominating friend that they went along with it (and probably lied or exaggerated what they were saving!)

You have nothing to feel bad about.
I am cringing so badly on behalf of the weird woman who started the finance discussion though!

PersonaNonGarter · 30/12/2020 11:21

I feel for you, OP.

I think refuse those Zoom invites now and don’t have anything more to do with her if possible. That was absolutely out of order by anyone’s standards and she should know it. Just retreat - you don’t need to say why.

Hailtomyteeth · 30/12/2020 11:22

The woman was extremely rude - she had no right to ask and you were under no obligation to tell.

Think about your boundaries, ready to apply them in future.

No matter what the Zoom call group might think, you are not in competition with each other. We are all on a one-way street and when we leave it, we can't take anything with us. So how much does what we have now really matter? By attending to finances etc, we can make our present lives more comfortable, so it is worth doing for that temporary effect. But in the end, it means nothing. Take some slow breaths. Notice their lack of courtesy and mistaken priorities. Notice your own vulnerability in financial matters and in that group. Forgive yourself and them, and let it go.

Grandma here is speaking with authority today. Take no notice!

AcornAutumn · 30/12/2020 11:23

OP

Would you have opted out of the discussion in a pub?

Original poster
Ahallly · 30/12/2020 11:28

@AcornAutumn I don’t know what you’re trying to get at here but I was taken by surprise. I know it was weird for her to start the chat, but I’m on a call with friends I’ve not seen in weeks. Give me a bit of a break here.

OP posts:
ChristmasinJune · 30/12/2020 11:31

I think I might have suddenly started experiencing connection problems.
What a bizarre and rude conversation, please don't feel railroaded into discussing things that are private in future.Confused

hansgrueber · 30/12/2020 11:41

Whatever happened to never discussing politics, religion or money with anyone ?? They could all have said any amount, you have no idea how true it is, sounds like a bit of money bingo to me. Maybe if it comes up again you say something very cryptic like Thank God for the lottery!

Poppingnostopping · 30/12/2020 11:42

Op it all sounds very odd, I can't think of a similar conversation I would ever have with friends, we just don't discuss money unless one of us (the one with the problem) might share if they are thinking of taking out a mortgage or having a particular problem they want advice on, and some friends never ever say anything about their financial circumstances.

Totally weird to go round the group, totally weird to assume everyone is saving (I don't save per month, I just see what's left over!)

Just write this off on this occasion, your good friend knows it was entirely inappropriate too, and make sure you don't get on this type of call again, if money comes up just say I don't feel like talking about it, sorry!

Ideasplease322 · 30/12/2020 11:44

My group of friends have very different financial situations - some successful, some struggling, some married, some divorced, some single. This conversation would never happen. We occasionally give each other advice on things - and a single friend likes to talk mortgages through with me. But I have no idea what people earn or what people save.

Your friend should not have made you feel uncomfortable and you should simply laugh and say you don’t want to talk about money I future.

BigFatLiar · 30/12/2020 11:46

Don't think I've ever had friends ask about finances like that. Even my parents only asked if we were ok and not struggling when we were first married.

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 30/12/2020 11:47

I "had" a couple of so called friends like this - the operative word here being "had"

We met at a baby group and they were both rich bragging stay at home with loaded husbands women who spent their lives bragging about how much "allowance@ they got, new cars, and other luxury items - holiday houses etc...
at the time we were struggling and lived in a rented house which they were appalled with and I thought they were going to die when I said I bought clothes off eBay and charity shops and so I distanced myself from them and now don't have anything to do with them.

With friends like that who needs enemies!!

Silvercatowner · 30/12/2020 11:47

Yet another example of 'I've never met anyone even remotely resembling this person in real life', The weirdness of Mumsnet.

Tal45 · 30/12/2020 11:49

No one should feel 'made' to take turns in anything. She sounds bizarrely controlling and it sounds more like bullying to me!

CoffeeChocolateGin · 30/12/2020 11:50

They must all be earning a hell of a lot to save that much per month. I'm in mid 30s, in a long-term relationship & only recently been able to buy a house and so there's over 30yrs left on the mortgage! We have 2 young children. We currently don't save at all each month. I plan to start putting money aside for next Xmas, that will be about £30 a month. There's no way we could really save anything on top of that!
The fact you're saving £200 is amazing!

topcat2014 · 30/12/2020 11:50

God what a poor show by your friend!

I have friends that earn half or less what I do. No way would I ever bring money up in the conversation..

Talk about toxic.