Zoom call that has made me feel shit

[Ahallly]

NC as very outing. Had a zoom call last night with five friends. All relatively close but some closer than others. Subject turns to money and this one woman who tends to dominate decided to ask if we were all being sensible and keeping up with savings each month she then said to us to ‘go round the zoom’ and let’s say what we are all saving to keep us all on track. They all said a figure between 800-1,200 and mine was 200. Then they started talking about what was left on mortgages with them all having 10 years to go!! I have 20!! It was really uncomfortable. After the call my closest friend called me and asked if I was ok as she must have sensed I was upset. I live alone and it’s hard to save. She said this woman might have been worried about her finances and that she wasn’t saving 1,000 a month in reality and had just copied the others.

I know it’s silly but I never thought about friends savings before and now I’m so worried I’m really unusual or not going to be able to pay off a mortgage as fast and so on. Just wanted a sense check really. We are all in mid/late 30s. Feel a bit shit about it.

That friend sounds deeply unpleasant.

@Apollo3 shock are you on a very high salary to do that?!

Not in the slightest. It just, as I said, an awful lot of the things that I spent money on before are not available to spend money on now. I'm not sure why that's so difficult to follow....its the same for many people!

I have 30 years on my mortgage and I'm 40.. Saving about £100 per month. I'm planning on downsizing when (if) the DCs leave home.

What a very rude 'friend' and a nosy so and so.

Wowzers! ... what a cheeky cow, although I do think you all need to rethink your boundaries with this 'friend'. I can't believe every one of you went along with it and answered! I'm in my 50s and never once have I had this sort of conversation with any of my family let alone friends.

General guide Is 20 - 25% of take home pay for savings. More if you can manage it.

That will of course be a different amount for everyone, as we all have very different incomes.

Honestly - I would have told her it was nobody else's business and that I didn't want to know their financial details either!

If they insisted on sharing,I would have muted them all or gone and made a cup of tea.

What a bizarre thing to share!

Practice saying 'none of your business Daphne, you irritating twunt' then move the conversation along.

What a covert brag. Next time leave the call. What a load of shit, not something to be discussed with a large group. None of anyone else's business.

What a strange and intrusive conversation to have even with close friends. I wouldn’t dream of digging in to friends finances.

And for what it’s worth... I was 34 with savings and on track to be mortgage free by 40.....and then got divorced! Got screwed over in the divorce, a long story I won’t go in to and I’m now in my 40’s and my finances are worse than they were in my 20’s!

There’s a reason they say you should never discuss money or politics with friends. Duck out of those conversations in the future.

By your 30's you really should be able to say "I'm not going to discuss that as its private". Practise it daily in front of a mirror if you have to but for the love of god learn to be more assertive! It's nobody's business!
And your other chums need to wise up to Miss Dominator too. Bet at least half of them lied about how much.

@WankPuffins
Dont worry about them if they're going to be like that.
We aren't in a position to save loads so what I do is sell stuff we don't need and I aim to fill 4 of these charts up in a year.

www.playpennies.com/features/the-playpennies-1p-saving-challenge-169894

So Facebook marketspace, selling bits on the local noticeboard and on village pages, carboots when they were running

That's how we pay for Christmas, and have a bit of a treat in the sales

My friend told me about this and it's a game changer as is withplum.com

Little changes can help you improve things and gradually things will get better.

2020 has been a challenging year and while some people have managed to stay on full salary and saved not going anywhere, others have had very different experiences of furlough and redundancy

These people would do well to remember that we are all riding the same storm ☔️ with covid but not everyone is in the same 🛳 boat

Sending best wishes and hope for 2021

@VettiyaIruken

Don't feel shit, feel cross! People should have told the nosey sod to piss off! You don't have to share your personal information.

This - absolutely.

@Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst thank you so much I will take a look at the links. So kind of you.

I thought they were going to die when I said I bought clothes off eBay and charity shops

I buy my clothes from ebay now and that's despite having a decent income, because it's more environmentally friendly. Even if it's "new with tags" it's keeping stuff out of landfill.

I save a lot each month because I don't have anything to buy at the moment, and also because I've been made redundant more than once, so have always been very careful to live well within my means and save for a rainy year, not just a day.

I think you need to gain some confidence in telling people to mind their own business.

Loads of people have no mortgage and no savings so just count yourself lucky.

This kind of question is just silly. It will never make everyone happy. The person who asks this kind of question never has good intentions, imo. I wouldn't answer, tbh.

I think it’s very tasteless to discuss personal finances with friends. I Wouk do never dream of asking my friends about it. And her general tone is very patronising. Either she’s lying or wanted an excuse to brag.

Next time she makes a similar comment, just say oh X we all know you have pots of money and save for England but we are tired of her about it all the time.

Wow, that's horrible! Agree with others, you do not have to play that game.

Don't offer up what's a concern in your life so that she can feel comfy.

That was my thought @YouokHun! It sounds like some sort of Tony Robbins-esque financial freedom conference.

Innit @NotDavidTennant

I would of said

God. Only £1000!!! In saving ALL of my income. Which is 15,000 a month

you lot are bloody slow!

What a strange conversation for friends to have.

If not that if it said fuck off. What kind of person asks someone about finances. Only the insecure. Or something along those lines. Turn it on themselves.

[quote Ahallly]@AcornAutumn I don’t know what you’re trying to get at here but I was taken by surprise. I know it was weird for her to start the chat, but I’m on a call with friends I’ve not seen in weeks. Give me a bit of a break here.[/quote]
I'm just asking what you'd say in a pub because I've stepped in in similar situations, when someone is obviously uncomfortable.

It is harder for someone to step in on Zoom so you need to assert boundaries.

This is so weird. I have a group of friends that I've had since we first started school, so 25 years, and we wouldn't talk about stuff like that, and none of us would think to start an interrogation of anyone else's finances. Your friend sound unusual.

I would have said, "no thanks, count me out of this topic!" You dont have to discuss anything that makes you feel uncomfortable op. Learn to say, no thanks. You'll sense the admiration in your friends eyes as they want to say the same thing too. Dont worry about their savings and mortgage terms. Things change all of the time. You're on your own so you'd save up less.

That's not a friend, that's a goady arsehole who's willing to sacrifice your feelings in order to feel briefly (and unjustifiably) superior.

I earn slightly over the national average which is enough to live comfortably in my area, but the only way I could save £1200 a month would be if someone else was paying my mortgage and household bills. Being able to stand on your own two feet is never anything to be ashamed of.