Zoom call that has made me feel shit

[Ahallly]

NC as very outing. Had a zoom call last night with five friends. All relatively close but some closer than others. Subject turns to money and this one woman who tends to dominate decided to ask if we were all being sensible and keeping up with savings each month she then said to us to ‘go round the zoom’ and let’s say what we are all saving to keep us all on track. They all said a figure between 800-1,200 and mine was 200. Then they started talking about what was left on mortgages with them all having 10 years to go!! I have 20!! It was really uncomfortable. After the call my closest friend called me and asked if I was ok as she must have sensed I was upset. I live alone and it’s hard to save. She said this woman might have been worried about her finances and that she wasn’t saving 1,000 a month in reality and had just copied the others.

I know it’s silly but I never thought about friends savings before and now I’m so worried I’m really unusual or not going to be able to pay off a mortgage as fast and so on. Just wanted a sense check really. We are all in mid/late 30s. Feel a bit shit about it.

Next time something like this comes up I’d tell them to mind their own beeswax....finances are no ones business but your own, everyone has different incomings/outgoings and priorities. Doesn’t make you a better or worse person.

I mean, who does that?

How bizarre. Very bad form /manners on your friend's part. It's none of their business!

Did you smell the smoke op ?
Someone’s pants were on fire .....

Your friends

Well done you for saving £200 a month. There’s loads of people who would like to be able to save that much

Wow! That call sounds rude and intrusive - I bet they all lied, too.

What possible business is it if anybody them that you are or are not saving.

I am annoyed on your behalf.

@Heatherjayne1972

Did you smell the smoke op ? Someone’s pants were on fire .....

Your friends

Well done you for saving £200 a month. There’s loads of people who would like to be able to save that much

I have noticed a trend on mumsnet that people dont beleive anyone ears above the national average. In particular there is an assumption that females must all be low or average earners.

There will be people out there who earn £50 - 60k plus who can save £1k a month. Some people have small mortgages - some no mortgage at all.

Everyone should aim to save at least 20% of their take home pay. OP is saving every month, that’s great. Many save nothing. But there are also some people out there who save a lot every month.

@Longdistance My BF & I are the same.

I have known her 40 years also and never once commented or spoke about money.

It was only awkward once and that was just before Covid hit as we were planning a girly week away but neither of dare suggest anything as we didn't want to be nosey or put either of us in an awful position.

Covid ended all that though but we will have to face it again in the future!

Any suggestions anyone? :)

Wtaf?

Your 'friend' sounds like a twat

Yeah..your friends have made me feel shit too. I am spending my savings, you're doing better than me at least !

Oh don't try to say you're ordering takeaways to save the economy, ffs!

There were all sorts of marketing ploys and the like to get people to support the economy by ordering takeaway. That on top of not being able to leave the house for fear of infecting my loved ones (one of who is a key worker who's whole team would have to go home if he got sick) meant that I had to spend a lot more on food as I couldn't go to the shops and I'm not close enough for a food delivery from any main stores.

Don't be so unnecessarily rude HollowTalk.

I earn 400 a week after tax. I really dont think that savr 20% figure is possible for me. I save about 30 a week, but then some weeks i need to dip back in to it so im probably saving 15 a week!!

Now I think about it they are all in high ish paying jobs of around 50k so I guess it’s feasible. I was less upset that they’d discussed it and more worried that I was completely not the norm here. I live alone and especially at the moment sometimes I wonder whether I’m actually where I should be financially at this age.

Thanks to everyone who took time to respond. I feel much better about it tonight!!!

Don’t judge yourself by them. It’s probably not a helpful benchmark.

It sounds like you are doing great. It’s hard living off a single income.

I look at people who work for me who have a much better lifestyle and have to remind myself they have two incomes coming in, so the mortgage and bills are all shared. I carry everything myself.

But I am proud of the life I have built.

You sound well meaning Op but has this thread made you feel better because a lot of posters have told you they're saving less than you?

Life isn't a competition. Your friends sound oddly competitive, a bit like the rivalry of an all girls private school.

sometimes I wonder whether I am where I should be financially at this age that's such an odd comment don't you think? Whose expectations are you aspiring to? Set your own goals by all means, based on your circumstances or ambitions. It's ok to want to be financially secure but why compare yourself to others?

There will always be people far better off than you and some far worse off. I don't particularly judge someone's savings as a measure of their success or happiness in life.

It's not a competition but it is reasonable to want to know if you're weird for not saving £1000 a month, and to want to know what is normal.

Finance experts are always saying people don't save enough, we should all have pensions (or better pensions if we do have them) and avoid credit card debt and so on. So if there's a "should" it's to try to keep your head above water and have a buffer of some savings. IF you can because many people just don't earn enough.

I agree to an extent herself But surely by the time you get to your mid thirties you know the average person isn't tucking away £1000 a month in savings? It would be very near sighted to base your view on a tiny circle of friends and judge yourself accordingly.

I can't work out if Op started the thread to discuss how appropriate the "competitive savings" conversation was or just to gauge what a section of mumsnetters are saving to measure her own against (to make herself feel better)....Which in fact was exact what Bossy friend on Zoom was doing.

Agree with previous posters that this isn’t an appropriate topic for a group Zoom call. If it helps though, everyone will have felt pressured and I suspect that not all of your other friends will have been truthful about how much they’re saving. Take it with a pinch of salt.

Making people who aren’t your accountant discuss money on a zoom call is one of the most vulgar 2020 things I have ever heard of.

OP £200 a month is AMAZING. You do you.

I was 45+ before we were able to save. It was £250 per month. Don't sweat it. Other people's financial planning should never be a guide to yours. It really, really does depend on your circs.

Why did you go along with that?

what a boring conversation to have with friends! I can't imagine anyone bringing that up on one of my face to face or online calls with any of my groups of friends, and if someone did we would all be teasing them about bringing up such a boring and nosy topic, not indulging them by answering!

OP she is a bellend, most of them were probably lying or exaggerating, and anyone with a brain knows it's harder to save as a single person compared to a couple. At least you've got a nice friend who noticed you weren't happy (not easy on a zoom call) and bothered to check up on you.

I am mid thirties and maintaining my own home. If I save £200 in a month, it's been a good month. You're doing fine.

Generally I'd say there are 2 topics to avoid to keep good friendships.

1. Finances

1. How you vote*

I'd add opinions on covid and or lockdown!

If they’re earning 50k+ then there’s certainly no reason to think they’re lying. I earn & save a similar amount. Putting you on the spot was unkind though.

I do talk about mortgages, savings, pensions etc, with friends but we earn similar amounts. I’ve learnt quite a lot from talking about money with them, so it isn’t always a negative thing.

What a knob!