Zoom call that has made me feel shit

[Ahallly]

NC as very outing. Had a zoom call last night with five friends. All relatively close but some closer than others. Subject turns to money and this one woman who tends to dominate decided to ask if we were all being sensible and keeping up with savings each month she then said to us to ‘go round the zoom’ and let’s say what we are all saving to keep us all on track. They all said a figure between 800-1,200 and mine was 200. Then they started talking about what was left on mortgages with them all having 10 years to go!! I have 20!! It was really uncomfortable. After the call my closest friend called me and asked if I was ok as she must have sensed I was upset. I live alone and it’s hard to save. She said this woman might have been worried about her finances and that she wasn’t saving 1,000 a month in reality and had just copied the others.

I know it’s silly but I never thought about friends savings before and now I’m so worried I’m really unusual or not going to be able to pay off a mortgage as fast and so on. Just wanted a sense check really. We are all in mid/late 30s. Feel a bit shit about it.

Oh don't worry about it. Your friends may or may not be wealthy enough to save 1K a month but many people don't earn much more than that. And many many many people don't have savings, they have debt. And so what if they pay their mortgages off in 10 years and you pay yours off in 20? Everyone has different situations, some are better off than others. We just have to do the best we can with cards we are dealt.

Also your friends sound odd and that was a very weird thing to happen on a friends zoom call.

That’s crazy. I’m guessing it’s a double income in kids situation?

I would have probably just said ‘Sorry ladies, I don’t talk about money!’. And never zoomed with her again! So rude and braggy.

*no kids

Can totally understand you feeling uncomfortable about this conversation OP, I think anyone would find it weird and intrusive. You have absolutely no reason to feel bad though – even if you were saving nothing and had the full term if your mortgage to go, so what? That is noones business but your own. As it is, so many people have lost jobs this year, or relatives, or close family members, or had to spend all their savings to keep afloat, that anyone who has maintained their income is very fortunate.

It may have been entirely unintentional and thoughtless, but how crass of this woman to suggest everyone shares their finances with her. I would be embarrassed for her for the air-headed lack of awareness.

Saving £200 every month is a goal and an achievement many are not in a position to manage – I know an NHS consultant who is on a very good wage who nonetheless doesn’t save much if anything at the moment because their take-home income is already earmarked for a host of other things. So what. You have absolutely no reason to feel bad about this!!!!!

The takeaway from this call that I would be looking at is the fact you didn’t feel able to say ‘sorry guys, I‘m not interested in discussing my finances here’ (in whatever way would feel comfortable for you, be it with a joke or whatever).

Can understand how you felt a bit put on the spot and how group dynamics can be quite ‘persuasive’. However, it is totally possible to respectfully decline to participate without upsetting anyone or being awkward. I would really look at ways to feel more confident and more able to stay true to yourself in similar situations in future. My bet is that you weren’t the only one who didn’t especially want to discuss their finances and if someone had politely said no, at least some of the rest of the group would have been secretly relieved and pleased that someone pushed back.

Where are your boundaries?! You don't need to answer a question that makes you feel uncomfortable just because everyone else is, you know.

Well my WiFi would have suddenly gone off and I'd have lost the call!!

I'm afraid this is very much a place to assert a boundary. I realise you felt put on a spot but I would actually be very cross at the time and have to say it actually was incredibly inappropriate for her to speak down to me ,asking if I was being " sensible with my money.

It was a huge overstep and I would be tempted to message them and state this and that in future you would not be participating in that sort of discussion.

Its unutterably rude to discuss finances in that way of the woman. Her need for reassurance does not take precedence over other peoples boundaries.

What a cringeworthy, horrible twat she is!! I'm shocked at this. Who made her God who gets to decide what, when and how people should save. Does she not realise some people can't afford too.

She might have money but she has no class. My only response to her stupid question would be "None of your fucking business, you nosey twat".

Was she prepping you all for something? Is the next Zoom call going to be about how she can help you improve your savings? When a “friend” introduces a conversation so specific and unusual I’d assume an ulterior motive. She’s probably about to offer you an MLM “opportunity”.

Don’t let it get to you OP. I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone just said a figure while quietly thinking she should mind her own business. I’d have said “I lose track as it’s mainly held off shore. You’d have to ask my accountant but he might tell you to keep your fucking great beak out of my private business”. Next time why not start the Zoom by saying up front you don’t want to talk about finances with friends, I’m sure the others will be happy with that.

I think @AcornAutumn is alluding to the fact that in real life it’s easier to diffuse conversations we don’t like whereas Zoom is a bit like a conference, it’s more focussed. Perhaps you would have ducked the question more easily in real life? I doubt you were hearing the truth from others so don’t compare and despair.

I’d have said ‘bog off you nosy Parker’ Not sure why you didn’t 🤷‍♀️

Why are people assuming they are lying or must earn a huge amount? I don't know if anyone has noticed, but there's been a global pandemic going on, which means many of us have been earning the same amount as before but have had an awful lot less to spend it on. No holidays, no nights out, no weekends away, no birthday parties, concerts, theatre, very few meals out, no need for new clothes, no commuting costs as working from home etc etc etc....
I save 1200 a month these days, that's twice what I did before covid. I would say that's not unusual.

Wouldn't be talking about it on any zoom though!!

Honestly op try not to think about it. To all intents and purposes I look like I'm doing really well. Large house in nice area, kids at private school etc etc. I'm in my overdraft every month and don't save a penny. Have over 20 years left to go on mortgage and I'm older than you. Hugely vulgar topic of conversation and I guarantee you at least one was lying. Most of my friends (similar lifestyle) talk about their credit card bill

I can't stand dickheads like that.

If it makes you feel better, I'm 40 and we will never be able to get a mortgage or save a penny!

That sounds very weird. The only time I'm bothered about a friend's finances is if they're struggling and I can help in anyway, or if they have saved say for a mortgage; but in all cases would wait for them to say to me rather than ask. Lots of people can't save anything a month, £200 is still great.

@Mumtoalittlegirl

That’s crazy. I’m guessing it’s a double income in kids situation?

I would have probably just said ‘Sorry ladies, I don’t talk about money!’. And never zoomed with her again! So rude and braggy.

Single women can earn high salaries! £1000 savings per month is very achievable for some on high income - even women😂

Cringe-tasted! I'm so for you. If someone brought that up in a pub, I bet you'd have been able to swerve it more easily, but with Zoom calls it's a bit harder without just flouncing. I'm not surprised you were shocked- it's such a rude question, especially the way she asked. I would be avoiding this person from now on - you don't need her dropping anymore WTF moments on you.

Talking about money, investments, savings, pensions is really sensible as it wasn't taught in schools and men talk about it and inform each other in a way women often don't.

However, the context was totally wrong here as it was a zoom catch up for fun. Even if it was meant with the best of intentions, which I don't think it was, comparing actually figures instead of percentages is useless anyway.

I save 1200 a month these days, that's twice what I did before covid. I would say that's not unusual.

No that is most definitely unusual. I say that as someone who works in banking. That’s great for you, but I think you need a reality check!

Life is a lot easier for couples. You are doing well saving anything and you don’t know what other people have been given (inheritance, payouts) to help them do so well. That’s if they were telling the truth anyway and who knows about that?

Blimey. She was incredibly insensitive. This kind of thing is why I personally believe people shouldn't discuss money, even with friends.

Haven't RTFT yet but I wouldn't have thought all that many people were managing to save the kinds of amounts your friends are boasting talking about either.

@Candyfloss99

Well my WiFi would have suddenly gone off and I'd have lost the call!!

I suspect she was coming from a place of insecurity, and worrying that she wasn't saving enough.

I remember a conversation with dsis. She was a Dr.
Dh was a student and I wasn't working due to illness. She told me on the phone with no sense of irony that they were so struggling they were really finding it difficult to put £X in the bank every month for savings. She was really thrown when I laughed and said we didn't get that amount in on wages a month.
She wasn't boasting, nor trying to put me down (not that I did feel that), simply hadn't really thought about people in other circumstances, and perhaps the inappropriateness of talking money when dh's annual salary was less than her monthly one.
She did similar when looking at houses, we were beginning to look to buy at similar times, but she's in a much cheaper area. She told me how the estate agent had sent some leaflets that were totally out of their price range-but still cheaper than the cheapest round here.
She just doesn't really think outside her box, nothing malicious or nasty.

But in answer to the above, I would have refused to answer and said it wasn't anyone's business. I suspect if I'd said that early on, others would have too. I'll bet you weren't the only one feeling awkward, and I bet some of them gave a random figure.

TBH they sound like a tedious bunch if their idea of a Zoom catch up amongst friends is to discuss mortgages and pensions.

No that is most definitely unusual. I say that as someone who works in banking. That’s great for you, but I think you need a reality check!

Don't know what banking has got to do with it, but its not at all unusual. There have been articles in the dailys about it...plus its simple logic...same amount of money coming in, less of it being spent. It would be weird if people were NOT saving more money than they were before.