Private school or £250k house deposit......

[JanieBP]

For your child. Just that really. DH calculated that to send our DC the whole way through private school will be £250k EACH (including fee increases etc....they are at a private school now, but we are reconsidering). Even the most modest private secondary education is going to set you back £60k per child. Yet almost everyone I meet who went to a private school can’t afford to send their own child privately (well not without significant grandparent help). One dad said to me his aim was to make ‘happy adults’. Doesn’t every parent want happy children- Even grown up ones? As adults if they can afford to get on the property ladder and have a secure home that might make them happier than being able to reminisce about the school play, school cricket matches and match tea.......

that the right school in their formative years is crucial to their wellbeing.

This

It depends on the schools available and what you are looking for.
If its that you want your child to access sports, arts and music for their wellbeing and personal growth then stick with private. Especially if they learn better in small classess due to a minor SEN or mental health reasons. If you are thinking for future financial security then i think house deposit. Imaging being able to do a job you liked in any field.

I didn't go to private school myself but I always imagine the advantages are more that it is a better all round experience, rather than just allowing you to earn more money.

I went to a mediocre comp with rubbish facilities and neither the teachers nor the pupils really wanted to be there. Learning and studying were not "cool" and if you were bright you had to play it down to avoid being bullied. Friends who went to good private schools seem to have an in-built confidence that their views and opinions are worth listening to which my state school friends don't have.

If I send my kids to private school, that will be the reason, not so they get better grades. I got brilliant grades at my state school but it was still a shit experience.

I'm also not keen on the argument that you can tutor instead. I used to tutor years ago. And when I taught the basics and asked if pupils hadn't already been taught them by their teachers, I was so often told, 'I don't know. It's really hard to concentrate. People mess about in class all the time.' Sadly that was also my own experience of being state-educated. At DC's school they just didn't. There was a bit of messing around but never so that the teacher couldn't complete a lesson or that others failed to be able to concentrate. There was enormous pride among pupils at working hard and getting good grades. In some state schools, you get mocked and bullied for high aspirations. (In my own case, including by teachers!) I think it's so sad to spend all day unable to concentrate while people disrupt every lesson, only to have to come home and do the lesson in your free time. Work hard then rest and play not cope then work hard then repeat.

I think choose your state school well, and provide good support and structure at home to make the most of it.

My 2 BIL's were both privately educated - something they have held against their parents ever since. DH was given the option but chose the state route - albeit Grammar school which he also hated!
Of the 3 of them I don't think there is any difference in their career success although had our own personal circumstances not dictated that DH had to down grade his career plans then he would have been by far the highest earner. In fact I overheard eldest BIL saying to his DM that he thought DH had been the most successful of the 3 (and DH went to a Poly not a Uni).

My dd went to the nearest secondary and got straight grade 9's.. I think it depends on your child .

We looked into private school. Where we live there's a village primary very close and about 2 mins further down the road, an excellent private school. We considered both and while we could afford it we didn't see the need as the primary was very good and we live in area with excellent grammar and other schools. We did boost it with a private tutor for a while and music lessons so the 11+ stuff was covered (both passed with very good marks).
In your situation I would buy a house in an area for good state schools, and only if that were not possible I'd go private.

I went to private school and without a doubt it was all the extra opportunities that have made me into a happy adult. My parents scrimped and saved to pay for my education and I would without a doubt do the same for my kids.

The issue for me is not private vs state but on the quality of the school.
There are great state schools and poor private schools.

Personally I would aim to send your kids to the best schools ie the best suited to them you can find.

If you’re near really good grammar schools or one of the really good comprehensives, or you would be prepared to relocate to be near one, then private school isn’t necessary and doesn’t necessarily bring advantages beyond more expensive facilities.

If, on the other hand you’re in an area with poorly performing state schools, it’s worth spending the money on private school.

In my experience living in London, almost everyone I work with, especially in senior, well paid jobs, went to private school. And that includes the public sector roles that I have had. These people ooze confidence and self assurance that the state school people mostly lack.

This has been 100% my experience too. These people are mostly in their 30s/40s, I wonder if the situation will be the same in another twenty years or if there will be more of a level playing field.

Our DS goes to private school, neither me or my husband did but based on the education provision where we live we did not want him going to the local secondary.

The school he is at is great, they get things wrong but I believe they are right for my son and his growth and development. Not all private school kids are dicks, yes there are some but you get this from state school instead.
We decided private school was the right thing to do with our money but we have sacrificed to do that, but it’s not something I regret..

My dd went to the nearest secondary and got straight grade 9's.

I went to the nearest secondary and got straight A*s at GCSE and straight As at A level. I'd still consider private school for my own children. It's not just about the grades.

House deposit definitely

Ds attends a great local 'normal' school. His best friend did not return to school in September- parents have moved him to an independent school quite a drive away. I've heard he isn't doing too well there and would like to move back. No chance unfortunately, his place is long gone.

I was one of those ‘bright will do well anywhere’ children and I did but my experience at the mediocre comp wasn’t really an enjoyable one. It’s not something I’d want for my own children and am saving for private secondary. A lot depends on the actual schools you have in your area.

Like another poster said, you’re unlikely to be earmarking 250k for each of the children and I’d question whether that would really be desirable anyway. I guess the real question is what difference the fees would make to you all over that time in terms of holidays, paying off mortgage, pension provision, part-time working, stress of fees etc. For me the balance means that primary isn’t worth it but secondary is.

@BefuddledPerson

I meant that they will have happiness regardless in our lovely family with extended family who support them and love them.

But I see private school as giving a child the confidence to be who they want to be. I didn't get that from a lovely Catholic comp. I had to figure it out for myself.

We have chosen lovely schools who support and make us as parents feel like part of a family. The comp I work in doesn't do that or even aim to.

I think with support and care and encouragement comes confidence.

I am not that bothered about their academic achievment. They can learn anywhere.

There are lots of misconceptions about both state and independent schools on this thread. You can not generalise the sectors like this. Every school is different. This is why open days, speaking to current parents etc. is so important. You need to find a school that is right for your child.
I have taught at a range of state schools and I now teach at an indie. Part of my reason for accepting the job at the indie was to get a discounted place for my son, because I thought the culture would suit him. I want him to be happy and enjoy school.

Personally if I were going to save up a fund it would be for uni fees rather than a house deposit. It’s such a blessing to start adult life without a great debt round your neck.

Personally I'm hoping to send my dc to grammars in my area of London however that might not be the best choice for them as it's very dependent on the child. I would definitely consider private if I didn't have other options however my sole intention wouldn't be so they could earn X amount.

I would look at quality of schools for ability to learn/happiness/ well-rounded education not just for pure academic outcomes.

So do you live in an area with nice state secondaries where most children listen to the teacher and want to learn. Or like me, one where there will be a proportion who can't/won't learn (often due to previous trauma poor things), will swear at the teacher and throw the whole lesson off course. And mock those who do want to learn. Because I have taught at that type and it would be a cold day in hell before I sent my own child there.

Even smaller issues like proportion of the class with severe SEN or EAL. Wouldn't have said this was such a problem ten years ago but with funding cuts, some of the children who I provided a lot of support to, with a dedicated TA, no longer get that support they need which can affect the whole class, particularly with larger class sizes.

Pastoral care - in an independent with good counselling provision and a medium level of need, your child will get seen. In a state school struggling to pay for enough days with a counsellor and severely traumatised children needing support, your child won't get a slot or the HOY won't get round to seeing them.

Note- this is clearly not all state schools! I have worked in inner city in deprived areas. But deprived areas that are fashionable with certain middle class Londoners.

I went to a more regular state school myself and it was fine although not in the slightest a well-rounded education.

So my priorities are:

• settled environment
• good music/drama/art/sport provision
• excellent pastoral care
• academic stretch
• somewhere where my child is known, not a face in a crowd.
• good school leadership as some of the issues I've mentioned above can be tackled if you have the right leadership with the right priorities in place

If I can find a state school like that when my children are secondary age then great! But the current funding difficulties in state secondaries are making these schools more elusive.

House

@HugeAckmansWife

Not all private schools are Eton. Not all are academicly selective, churning out elitist, narrow minded snobs. The one I work for is incredibly friendly, inclusive and family oriented. We have numerous kids paid for by the LEA as our small class sizes and pastoral support simply cannot be rivaled in a state setting (not because we're so wonderful, just numbers). I can't afford to send my dcs to the school, which breaks my heart because it's exactly what they need but not enough to get it funded. In the end, it depends on the school, the child and the state options available. The only evidence you'll get on here is anecdotal.

I work in similar - completely overturned my preconceptions about private schools

I wouldn't send them to private school. Makes no difference. If they need extra help use the money for a tutor.

House deposit on the basis that I have now had 2 children go through State School just to end up at uni with privately educated kids. Both have all As and A*s at GCSE and A level. My eldest is a London Solicitor and the 2nd has deferred uni until 2021.

@Ragwort

House deposit.

There are lots of decent schools around, supportive, involved parents seem (in my opinion) to result in the most well rounded 'successful' (not in money earning terms) young people.

And why the reference to cricket matches? I assume it's tongue in cheek but my DS went to the local comp, captained his school cricket team, played at Country level and I've spent nearly every Saturday afternoon during the Summer making cricket teas - which I was happy to do .

My goodness