Private school or £250k house deposit......

[JanieBP]

For your child. Just that really. DH calculated that to send our DC the whole way through private school will be £250k EACH (including fee increases etc....they are at a private school now, but we are reconsidering). Even the most modest private secondary education is going to set you back £60k per child. Yet almost everyone I meet who went to a private school can’t afford to send their own child privately (well not without significant grandparent help). One dad said to me his aim was to make ‘happy adults’. Doesn’t every parent want happy children- Even grown up ones? As adults if they can afford to get on the property ladder and have a secure home that might make them happier than being able to reminisce about the school play, school cricket matches and match tea.......

And I'm sorry you had a bad time at private school. Private schools nowadays are not the same as they used to be - having said that I am married to an ex public schoolboy and he loved his school, is a lovely bloke and a great father to his dds.

@TatianaBis
How wonderfully PC of you.

Privately educated students at university tend to gravitate towards people with similar backgrounds, the shared experience then lead to long term friendship. This was certainly the case at Durham. We even had colleges “dedicated” to privately educated students, not officially but an open secret.
Reverse snobbery is very much alive and well my dear. You have been extremely lucky or lead a rather sheltered life if you had never suffered from reverse snobbery.

If students are living cheek by jowl with others term after term they judge their fellow students by their personalities not their parents’ bank balance. This is not true, there is financial bullying.

[quote roastedsaltedpeanut]@TatianaBis
How wonderfully PC of you.

Privately educated students at university tend to gravitate towards people with similar backgrounds, the shared experience then lead to long term friendship. This was certainly the case at Durham. We even had colleges “dedicated” to privately educated students, not officially but an open secret.
Reverse snobbery is very much alive and well my dear. You have been extremely lucky or lead a rather sheltered life if you had never suffered from reverse snobbery.[/quote]
Perhaps I’m just robust enough not to take comments from others too seriously.

My uni was well known to have colleges that favoured state or private, but that doesn’t mean everyone couldn’t get along together. There were private school students who tended to stick with their kind but they rather narrow and conservative. Even so I never encountered one who expressed the belief that they worked ‘harder and better’ than state pupils or anyone else. On the contrary it was rather accepted that it was more challenging for state pupils (grammars aside perhaps) to get there.

@itshappened

I can't think of a greater gift I can give my children than the best possible education. In my opinion it will give them the tools to choose what they want to do with their lives and the confidence to make it happen. Whether that turns them into a high earner or not, well that's up to them. But I hope that the example of how hard my husband and I work, will hopefully help them realise that nothing in life happens without effort. It's my belief that if they want nice houses in the future, then they need to learn the value of money and how to save up for them.

I agree, but what happens if you have a child that just doesn’t work very hard academically and is very average or below average, no matter how much help and encouragement you give them? This is the situation I find with one of my children. And from my experience, no amount of money spent on private school fees is going to, or has made a difference to them.

My husband and I have worked so hard to get to where we are today. We basically came from nothing. I frequently tell my kids that to get what you want in life, requires lots of hard work. If you put nothing in, you get nothing out. You’re never going to get something for nothing, and nothing is ever going to just fall into your lap.

One of my biggest fears has always been where are they going to live once they are adults and wishing to start their own families? Especially when you consider the cost of accommodation. I don’t want to see them struggling in a shitehole because that’s all they can afford, constantly counting their pennies and worrying about how they’re going to cover their next bill (I want them to experience this in their 20’s, as a learning curve; but not in their 40’s).

I would much rather give them a big lump sum for a house purchase than spend all my money on a private education whereby they’re still going to come out very mediocre or below mediocre and end up with a job whereby they earn just enough to get by but will never have the security of homeownership.

Having gone down the route of private school, and seeing what my kids are like, I have now decided to change course and go state. I would rather invest the rest of my money to hopefully provide a handsome deposit later in life.

Although I am putting investments in place, I have never told my kids they are going to inherit anything. When they leave uni, I expect them to find their way in life and and they will have to live within their means (they will not get any financial assistance from me). If all they can afford is room in a grotty flat share in a rundown area, then that’s where they are going to have to go as I see all this as learning about the realities of life. Having to live within their means will also hopefully teach them to appreciate the value of money so that one day, when they do inherit, they can appreciate what they have been given, and hang on to it.

Furthermore, I want to see them always try their very best no matter what it is they choose to do which is why they will only be given money much later in life and it will also be a very much unexpected surprise.

This is not true, there is financial bullying.

Such as?
How long ago were you at school, befuddled?

@Andante57

This is not true, there is financial bullying.

Such as?
How long ago were you at school, befuddled?

I was at school when I was a child

I do know people who send their children to private school currently, both that same school and others.

We worried about sending ours to school with much, much wealthier peers when they moved from comprehensive to boarding.
They got some fabulous experiences, amazing holidays and parties, have made lifelong friends and never once was a lesser household income an issue.

I think independent is mainly about peer group but most of the young people were/are lovely. That said, most of the friends from the comprehensive are lovely young adults too.

I went to private school - it was supposedly a really good one, but I thought it was pretty shite, really. I wasn't massively gifted at anything- a lot of the teachers didn't even know my name. I got half decent results and my 6th form tutor told my parents 'as long as she gets a good degree from a good university, she'll be ok'. My poor parents paid £30k a year for that shallow level of pastoral insight. It still breaks my heart how much they scrimped to send me there and how little I managed to gain any traction at the place!
Anyway, that was in 2005 so a long time ago now and maybe it's upped its game, I don't know. But, honestly, what does private school give you that state can't? Does it give you a happier child who is better understood by staff and guaranteed access to amazing opportunities? Hmm, possibly. Although you could argue that motivated, insipring and supportive parents could do that themselves.

A house deposit, though - that is truly life changing. I'd go for that every time, OP. Good luck with it, it's a huge thing. We don't have the luxury of giving our children a house deposit or private education, but I have agonised a lot over whether my children are missing out and whether I've failed them somehow by denying them the option.

Fascinating to see so many points of view!

I have been starting to think about this for my children - as someone who went to state school but has ended up mixing with a majority of people who went to private schools through university and my career I can see that while academically it may make little difference, those that come out of private school undoubtedly have greater confidence, which I would love my DD to have (as I totally lack this!)...HOWEVER I don't think this would outweigh future financial stability, and would rather move to a better catchment area.

andante57 you have no idea how ive brought up my kids, ridiculous comment, but for the record they're kind, considerate and thoughtful young men, with their own minds, who dont judge a book by its cover, and who im proud of

gosh so many private school advocates who make personal attacks on here, that im tempted to say QED!

I guess it might depend on what you want for your kids. For example, you do not need a private school to get into an RG uni - you just need a smart kid. For many kids in private school, the focus is on teaching children the importance of making money and working within the system. Personally, I want my kid to like their job and to be socially responsible...i.e. those jobs dont pay 6 figure sums. A house deposit could enable your child to be able to take a part time job, career breaks or have other choices and options. I would rather they could do that. But that's a personal choice.

I went to private and state - then Oxford. Chose to do a professional career that doesnt pay 6 figure sums despite seven years of training. My state school taught me that life isnt about making the most money. I would like my kid to learn the same

I also reckon there will be more and more pressure on oxbridge colleges to reduce the number of private school undergraduates, so a private education could def be a disadvantage there.

@Pinkroses87

I also reckon there will be more and more pressure on oxbridge colleges to reduce the number of private school undergraduates, so a private education could def be a disadvantage there.

Going to a private school that you love is never a disadvantage.

@MrsMiaWallis yes, but that assumes that you do love your private school. I enjoyed it to a certain extent, but my sister - two years below me - hated it. So it’s luck of the draw. And it also depends how you define advantages and disadvantages. If a college starts cracking down on the number of private school people it takes, and you happen to lose out on those grounds, it is a major - and bloody expensive - disadvantage.

Yes, perhaps. None of mine were clever enough interested in Oxbridge, but iirc all those who got interviews got a place last year.

@MrsMiaWallis yes, but I think that is what will change. The colleges will come under increasing pressure to reduce private school intake, as frankly the figures at the moment are indefensible.

[quote Pinkroses87]@MrsMiaWallis yes, but I think that is what will change. The colleges will come under increasing pressure to reduce private school intake, as frankly the figures at the moment are indefensible.[/quote]
Maybe. I think they'd lose a lot of cachet if they dropped grades and dumbed down though.

@MrsMiaWallis it’s not dumbing down. It’s recognising that under the current system, one group of teenagers is enormously advantaged over another, and finding a way of balancing that out. People who go to private school aren’t cleverer, but they are given training in everything from what to say in interviews to what to wear. Recognising this, and managing it, won’t result in a loss of cachet. It will, however, break down the well-trodden path from private school to oxbridge to eg QC. And once that path starts being blurred, it does somewhat undermine the point of paying £40k a year for the school.

[quote Pinkroses87]@MrsMiaWallis it’s not dumbing down. It’s recognising that under the current system, one group of teenagers is enormously advantaged over another, and finding a way of balancing that out. People who go to private school aren’t cleverer, but they are given training in everything from what to say in interviews to what to wear. Recognising this, and managing it, won’t result in a loss of cachet. It will, however, break down the well-trodden path from private school to oxbridge to eg QC. And once that path starts being blurred, it does somewhat undermine the point of paying £40k a year for the school.[/quote]
I think Oxbridge have said they've done enough, but you are right if govt puts pressure they'll have to do it. Private schools are full to bursting this year so it doesn't seem to have affected them.

People who go to private school aren’t cleverer, but they are given training in everything from what to say in interviews to what to wear

I think students at an academically selective private school are en masse cleverer than a standard comp intake. That London state school that got tons to Oxbridge was academically selective and they were coached intensively.

@MrsMiaWallis I’m not sure where you’re seeing oxbridge saying they’ve done enough - everywhere I can see, they recognise it’s a serious problem. www.google.co.uk/search?q=oxbridge+over+recruits+from+eight+schools&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari
I’ve said from the start that I think there will be a long term shift away from private schools rather than immediate, and numbers this year have been boosted by parents panicking about the lack of support from some schools over Covid.

[quote Pinkroses87]@MrsMiaWallis I’m not sure where you’re seeing oxbridge saying they’ve done enough - everywhere I can see, they recognise it’s a serious problem. www.google.co.uk/search?q=oxbridge+over+recruits+from+eight+schools&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari
I’ve said from the start that I think there will be a long term shift away from private schools rather than immediate, and numbers this year have been boosted by parents panicking about the lack of support from some schools over Covid.[/quote]
I really don't think so - unless the government gets its act together with state schools which sadly I can't see happening for years

If Oxbridge cuts right back on its private school intake then presumably a lot of students will look to going to university abroad though I have no idea whether these universities take the backgrounds of prospective students into account.

I’ve said from the start that I think there will be a long term shift away from private schools rather than immediate
Pinkroses when you say ‘long term’ do you mean 5 or 10 or 20 years?

I am fully expecting to help send my grand children!