“Mrs DH initial surname” help me respond!

[SeaMoonWave]

So MIL always addresses cards “Mr & Mrs DH initial surname”. And fucking worse, when writing just to me, “Mrs DH initial surname”. She has always refused to use my title of dr, that I kept my maiden name for work. She sees this as unfair on her son to be seen as higher than him. I want her to send me a card I can return as “not known at this address”.

Anyone got a a nice link/write up/meme I can share to Facebook passively aggressively before I explode tonight?

I wouldn’t even mind the “mr & Mrs surname” thing if she leaves out the DH initial. I don’t mind when my doctor friends wrote to me & Mrs and I sometimes do the same to both of them being doctors. But I know the feeling behind it. She wants me to be a housewife, hates I earn more, and would rather us be poor and know my place in the kitchen. My DH is obviously fine with my job and seeing me as an equal as he married me!

Can you just send her a Christmas card from Dr & Mr x?

Oh god this would drive me nuts. Only thing is I'm not sure what you want to get out of it? I'd say she just needs telling but the fact she refuses to use dr shows she does it on purpose and clearly has a screw loose.

Tbh dh should be backing you up and doing it. He needs to say that it's disrespectful to the woman he loves.

Or hello thanks for the card, however it was addressed incorrectly my name is xxxx

Why do it passively aggressively, rather than just speaking to her calmly and telling her you find it upsetting / patronising / demeaning / offensive etc whenever she does it? Or even better, get your DH to do it?

But what's the point? You said she's always refused to no amount of passive aggressive Facebook memes are going to make a difference.

Both you and especially your husband should tell her to her face that she needs to stop this and keep telling her to her face until she gets it.

*so

You are protesting too much.

Laugh at her. Pity her. Her life is so small and sexist.

People compete with others at a similar level. When you are levels apart you don't compete. The superior smiles, nods, carries on regardless. Be above it.

I'd just tell her, thanks for the card but I don't appreciate being Mrs DH, it isn't the 1950's anymore.

Let them have a shit fit 🤷🏼‍♀️

I get it, OP, I know it’s infuriating. But in this instance - given that you KNOW she’s doing it to piss you off/make a point - you’d be better off ignoring it.

No FB pass-agg stuff.

But you can get your DH to tell her she keeps getting it wrong and he’s concerned she’s losing her memory, if you like...

It’s a generational thing. Just ignore. There are more things to get irate about IMO

No need for passive aggression or Facebook posts.

Just remind her again that you and DH are addressed as either Mr and Mrs/Dr Last name and anything to you should be Mrs/Dr Last name (depending on whether you use your Dr in personal things).

Get your DH to correct her every single time too. No irritation needed because she might like the satisfaction, just a calm reminder every single time.

Pretend you never see it because DH opens all the cards. Passive aggressive people hate it when they think you didn't notice their dig at you. It's fun to watch them fume at you not realising you've been insulted.

She’s winding you up deliberately and she knows exactly what she’s doing. Don’t bite. Ignore her and rise above it.

I expect that she thinks she's keeping your DH's family's end up by showing her very well educated DIL she knows how to correctly address an envelope.

About 50 decades ago that was indeed how it was done.

Rise above OP, rise above in the spirit of Christmas!

My MIL does this, particularly for my birthday cards! She knows exactly what she is doing as she knows it’s insulting. I feel your pain!

Yep send it back to her as not known. Send your own card with “sender: Dr and Mr your initial Smith” on the back

** 5 decades 50 decades it might have been sent on parchment!!

I'd stop letting it matter to you so much. Because she's writing it because she thinks it, and she'll still think it even if she changes what she actually does in accordance with your wishes. You won't change her thoughts. Who else sees these envelopes? Only you, and you can shrug and understand that her lack of respect is what she really feels. Sad but true.

Just be direct.

Write to her (and FiL if around?) as (Mr and) Ms Surname and see how she likes that

Honestly, I sympathise. I am also Dr and was "maiden name" in the first year or so of marriage. Despite a Christmas round robin stating this, the number of cards that came to "Rev and Mrs DH initial DH surname"! DH got his title (because he’s a man? Or because he’s a vicar?) but I did not. The indignation!

I just refused to open any letters addressed like that, on the basis that I didn’t who "Mrs D Balloonist" was, but she wasn’t me

I thought that the Dr title always went first-so MIL isn't correct is she?

Are you "Mrs Married Name" at all or always "Dr Maiden name"?

If the latter, shouldn't it always be Dr Maiden Name and Mr Own Surname?

After my mum was widowed she found it extremely upsetting to get letters addressed to Mrs (Dad's initials) Surname.

It is really bad form anyway, and went out of fashion decades ago.

I think you’ll look ignorant and poorly educated if you object as from the point of view of etiquette, she’s right. And to some, your complaining will come off similar to moaning about someone placing cutlery settings in a particular way. It’s just how it’s “done.”

The best response to this is making sure the next gen don't think this way

Just forget about it. That is exactly how her generation were taught to address letters.