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Original poster

“Mrs DH initial surname” help me respond!

162 replies

SeaMoonWave · 04/12/2020 18:05

So MIL always addresses cards “Mr & Mrs DH initial surname”. And fucking worse, when writing just to me, “Mrs DH initial surname”. She has always refused to use my title of dr, that I kept my maiden name for work. She sees this as unfair on her son to be seen as higher than him. I want her to send me a card I can return as “not known at this address”.

Anyone got a a nice link/write up/meme I can share to Facebook passively aggressively before I explode tonight?

I wouldn’t even mind the “mr & Mrs surname” thing if she leaves out the DH initial. I don’t mind when my doctor friends wrote to me & Mrs and I sometimes do the same to both of them being doctors. But I know the feeling behind it. She wants me to be a housewife, hates I earn more, and would rather us be poor and know my place in the kitchen. My DH is obviously fine with my job and seeing me as an equal as he married me!

OP posts:
peakotter · 04/12/2020 18:52

My ILs have done this but I presumed it was a joke and had a laugh about it with them. Now I’m wondering if they didn’t mean it that way....

You could laugh it off in front of her. So quaint and old fashioned, made me laugh etc

81Byerley · 04/12/2020 18:57

I'm 71, when I was at school, we were taught to address a formal letter to a married woman as Mrs J(ohn) Smith. An informal letter, such as a birthday card should be addressed to Mrs J(ane) Smith. I would imagine if you asked her, she would say that she was taught to do it the way she was taught. (She's forgotten the formal/informal difference) And these days, I would address letters to you as Mrs Jane Smith or Dr Jane Smith, or to you as a couple Mr and Mrs John Smith.

Viviennemary · 04/12/2020 19:00

Just let it go. It's not worth bothering about. It's just the old fashioned way.

mopphead · 04/12/2020 19:16

Definitely don't do Facebook drama. You are a Dr, woman, rise above it! Grin but it is fine to say thanks for the card, just to let you know I don't use 'Mrs H initial surname' as that is not my name. And repeat, every single time, for as long as it takes.

Chloemol · 04/12/2020 19:19

Look it’s obvious she is not going to change. It could also be a generational thing as that’s how it used to be

Why are you allowing her to wind you up over it? She’s winning then

Just let it go

Original poster
SeaMoonWave · 04/12/2020 19:22

Thanks all, I came and posted here mainly to have my head wobbled and stop me. Trust me she does do things to get a reaction and you have saved my dignity. I so want to do the “we’re worried about your memory”. We have gone low contact and DH is struggling with wanting to go NC for other reasons but then cutting them off completely, so he does have my back completely.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaMoonWave · 04/12/2020 19:23

It’s not a generational thing as she used to address it when married with my initial etc, she hated when I became the bread winner etc and started then.

OP posts:
golightlytoday · 04/12/2020 19:36

Totally understand.

I have not taken my husbands surname. Everyone knows this. I have not taken Mrs either.

Yet the cards come to mr and Mrs husband surname. And sometimes his initial too.

It is so old fashioned. And I hate it. The wiping out of me as a person.

And I know it's tradition. But it's simply not my name.

ottermadness · 04/12/2020 19:48

I completely agree OP, I really hate this. Mrs Otter is DH’s mum, not me. Mrs DH initials Otter doesn’t exist. It’s just fudging rude!

DaisyDreaming · 04/12/2020 19:53

It would annoy me but be the bigger person and ignore it, she’s not going to change and passive aggressive posts never achieve anything

AcornAutumn · 04/12/2020 19:56

@SeaMoonWave

It’s not a generational thing as she used to address it when married with my initial etc, she hated when I became the bread winner etc and started then.
Ooh Definitely go with the “worried about your memory, have you seen the doctor?”
babysnowman · 04/12/2020 20:02

Hmm, maybe send them a Christmas card and on the back write 'Sender: Dr and Mr Seamoonwave, address...'? And then do that for every card you send thereafter!

Original poster
SeaMoonWave · 04/12/2020 20:08

@babysnowman our Christmas address stickers have dr & mr. If I’m going to the effort of writing the cards my name is going first!

OP posts:
babysnowman · 04/12/2020 20:27

Absolutely! When I addressed our wedding invitations my husband thought I was being provocative by addressing the ones to our friends where the female was a doctor as 'Dr and Mr'. I probably was doing it to make a point but the point was that if the sexes were reversed no one would question it!!

SpaceOp · 04/12/2020 20:28

Did you take your DH's surname but just keep yours for professional reasons? Because if so, technically, in your personal capacity, you are in fact Mr and Mrs DHInitial DHSurname and in your professional capacity you are Dr YourInitial YourSurname. In which case, annoying though it is, she is "technically" correct.

if you didn't take his name at all, then this is 100% batshit.

This won't be a popular opinion on here, but I'm not sure that if you take your DH's name you can complain when you are then addressed in a traditional format.

shinynewapple2020 · 04/12/2020 21:31

It's an old fashioned thing .
When I was taught about correctly addressing letters in early 80s this is what I was taught .
It seems very weird to see it now.

ottermadness · 04/12/2020 21:34

@SpaceOp

Did you take your DH's surname but just keep yours for professional reasons? Because if so, technically, in your personal capacity, you are in fact Mr and Mrs DHInitial DHSurname and in your professional capacity you are Dr YourInitial YourSurname. In which case, annoying though it is, she is "technically" correct.

if you didn't take his name at all, then this is 100% batshit.

This won't be a popular opinion on here, but I'm not sure that if you take your DH's name you can complain when you are then addressed in a traditional format.

Technically correct... really!?
pincertoe · 04/12/2020 21:49

Your dh should tell her how rude she is being by ignoring you achievement and career that HE is so proud of.

NiceGerbil · 04/12/2020 21:53

My mum does this to wind me up.

When I said, why do you do this? I have a name. She said 'it's the correct way of doing it'.

I mean FFS. I'm her daughter. She named me!

I mean fact is she's never liked me. So, not a lot to be done.

Luzina · 04/12/2020 21:55

Let it go and be free Flowers

ChonkyLamp · 04/12/2020 21:55

I had this. In the end I told her that when post wasn't addressed to my proper name then I always assumed it was junk mail and just binned it without opening. Because anyone who actually knows me would know what my name was.

Now I get the envelopes addressed correctly.

(But NC might be even better.)

Respectabitch · 04/12/2020 22:01

My own bloody DM does this. She knows it winds me up. I've told her that as ettiquette it went out of date about 30 years ago. She doesn't bloody care. A MIL who doesn't even like you is definitely not going to stop, especially if she knows it annoys you.

Either pity her in your head and let it go, or judo-move pass-ag her right back with the memory thing. "MIL, I KNOW you would never set out to hurt me by doing something I've told you I don't like, you're such a kind woman, we're so worried! We really think you should see Dr X so she can just do a little memory check on you!"

pinkdragons · 04/12/2020 22:23

Don't just ignore. She deserves to be questioned about this. She is being intentionally rude and disrespectful.

She thinks you will find it annoying, but not mention it. Make it uncomfortable, bring it up.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/12/2020 22:42

Write not known at this address and pop it back in the post (making sure you put the return address on) 😁

Has your dh asked his mum why she doesn’t this?

TweetleBeetlesBattle · 04/12/2020 22:50

Can you get yourself some headed notepaper and envelopes printed as Dr and Mr and send her a lovely note of thanks for her cards