“Mrs DH initial surname” help me respond!

[SeaMoonWave]

So MIL always addresses cards “Mr & Mrs DH initial surname”. And fucking worse, when writing just to me, “Mrs DH initial surname”. She has always refused to use my title of dr, that I kept my maiden name for work. She sees this as unfair on her son to be seen as higher than him. I want her to send me a card I can return as “not known at this address”.

Anyone got a a nice link/write up/meme I can share to Facebook passively aggressively before I explode tonight?

I wouldn’t even mind the “mr & Mrs surname” thing if she leaves out the DH initial. I don’t mind when my doctor friends wrote to me & Mrs and I sometimes do the same to both of them being doctors. But I know the feeling behind it. She wants me to be a housewife, hates I earn more, and would rather us be poor and know my place in the kitchen. My DH is obviously fine with my job and seeing me as an equal as he married me!

Xmas card arrived here addressed in the same way. i ignore it these days. Used to give me the rage but now I think it is just silly to get worked up about it

BTW every single man I know with a title ( Rev, Dr, Prof) uses it all the time.

And I only know two who do and they definitely both fit into the arrogant and self-important bracket!

Drs and Profs that is, I don't know any Revs.

I hate this “ooooh, it’s generational” thing. My Dad is 85 and got so monumentally pissed off with the AA addressing letters to my mum as Mrs Dad initial surname and telling him that the system couldn’t be changed that he joined the RAC! He rumbled around for days saying that she’s my wife not my chattel, bloody ridiculous, etc.

It’s a choice to do this, especially after they’ve been asked not to, and it’s a desire to deliver a message.

We get this and it really bugs me too!
I would send a very "polite" reminder text - "thanks for the card, but we're actually Dr Smith and Mr Jones, not Mr and Mrs Jones".

I can sympathise. It would annoy me too.
But, is anything you say going to make a difference? If not, are you just spoiling for a fight?
She is trying to needle you and it's working.
It's her being petty, I would try and ignore it and rise above the silliness.

I would send a very "polite" reminder text - "thanks for the card, but we're actually Dr Smith and Mr Jones, not Mr and Mrs Jones"

I wouldn't waste my data plan. It won't change her views, it just shows her that it has riled you, which is what she intended.

GB Shaw said 'Don't fight with pigs. You'll both get dirty but the pig enjoys it.'

I think of that a lot!

Just ignore it for goodness sake. You don't HAVE to challenge everything, especially when it is family that you have to see and interact with

It's not some hate crime here which would be understandable. Just roll your eyes and let it go.

Annoyingly my mum has always done this too. And when I finally lost it and reminded her of my name, she took massive offence.

Her handwriting is shit so when an envelope arrives with DH's initial and surname, he doesn't stop to check whether it says Mr or Mrs, and just opens it.

In the space of six months, she managed to remember about 30% of the time. Then, we told her we were separating and BOOM! suddenly my letters are addressed Ms (my initial) (DH's surname)
I have to assume she's properly lost her marbles and encourage her to email instead!

@Grittlelayrabbit

I think you’ll look ignorant and poorly educated if you object as from the point of view of etiquette, she’s right. And to some, your complaining will come off similar to moaning about someone placing cutlery settings in a particular way. It’s just how it’s “done.”

No she’s not.

Strictly speaking it should be Dr and Mr DHinital Surname if you use his surname.

The senior “rank” goes first - historically of course this was usually the man and lots of people assume it’s man first but it should be the higher title.

@OctaviaOrange

Just ignore it for goodness sake. You don't HAVE to challenge everything, especially when it is family that you have to see and interact with

It's not some hate crime here which would be understandable. Just roll your eyes and let it go.

Hmmmm... I suspect there are lots of people (not me) who would call "hate crime" if Elliot Page got a letter addressed to "Ellen"... Why is this different? Is it different? Where's the line?

I had a similar issue with title and maiden name! So I know how you feel, and how frustrating it is.

I chose to ignore the issue of the title/name and to focus instead on issues of gender equality as/when they arise in conversation. So if they say something that is sexist, I gently disagree, and so does DH. A few years back, I discovered that the attitude was coming not from MIL, as I had assumed, but FIL when MIL suddenly and vociferously agreed with something I said about women in previous generations having lost out on the prospect of a career to make way for less able men. Turns out she's more of a feminist than I had imagined (and yes, I am learning my own lesson from that too). After that, the envelopes just started getting addressed right, without it ever having been raised.

"Strictly speaking it should be Dr and Mr DHinital Surname if you use his surname."

I think OP is saying that she is Dr X and he is Mr Y? (She says she kept her maiden name for work reasons).

Actually @Grittlelayrabbit my apologies I’m wrong according to Debretts am mixing up service writing and none.

I read it as kept it at work but you could be right. More coffee required I think!

The point is that even if very formal etiquette a woman’s title is recognised so the old that’s what I was taught at school doesn’t wash.

God is this still happening, it's SO depressing. Women trying to assert other women's married sunjugation at them and ignore what they want to be called. Fuck that!

Write every letter to her addressed to Major-General Ermintrude Splangebucket (assuming that's not actually her name) and call her that to her face and if she objects say "Oh I'm just calling you by the name I choose instead of what you call yourself, I thought you were fine with that?"

subjugation

@Ratonastick

I hate this “ooooh, it’s generational” thing. My Dad is 85 and got so monumentally pissed off with the AA addressing letters to my mum as Mrs Dad initial surname and telling him that the system couldn’t be changed that he joined the RAC! He rumbled around for days saying that she’s my wife not my chattel, bloody ridiculous, etc.

It’s a choice to do this, especially after they’ve been asked not to, and it’s a desire to deliver a message.

I've never seen that on an official letter, only on personal correspondence such as Christmas cards. I would imagine that's an admin mess up rather than old fashioned etiquette.

It gets an envelope through the letterbox. That's it. Stop being so precious.

A long time a go my Mum used to throw cards in the bin that were addressed to her in that way (it was only her MIL, my grandmother who is now long dead who did this). It bothered her no end but I’m not sure she ever brought it up, which is shame to have it fester away for years.

Of course what you need somehow is to contrive to have the stamp fall off and you have to pick it up from the post office but they won’t release to you because it’s not addressed to you..

@HuntedForest

I wonder if people would think think it was arrogant and self-important for a male doctor to call himself 'doctor'.

Of course it is. You don't use your title outside of work or publications.

Really? All my relatives that are Dr, Rev etc (a good 25% of them) use it all the time.

I dont have a meme to suggest but I just want to say this drives me mad too!! I am a person. I exist. I am not just an extension of my husband. Everytime something pops through the door addressed to 'Mrs DHs initial and surname' I rage. Also, I didnt change my name until a year after I got married, and my MIL addressed things to me with my DHs name. She just refused to use my maiden name.

@Ratonastick I like your dad! My grandfather of a similar age has the same beliefs! So I grew up with a belief that men and women were equal.

We have had similar, when sorting out legal stuff for our house purchases etc, I go first as I’m the one doing the paperwork, but lead buyer always gets switched to DH. Some letters just drop me off completely.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants maybe I should stop being precious when DH gets up to make them a cup of tea, and she glares at me and says she’ll make it as DH can’t be expected to?

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants maybe I should stop being precious when DH gets up to make them a cup of tea, and she glares at me and says she’ll make it as DH can’t be expected to?

If someone was that rude to me in my own house they wouldn’t be invited back. What does your husband say to her when she behaves likes this? If it’s nothing, then you have a DH problem.

@C0RA I don’t have a DH problem, he is working through his own childhood things they put him through, he did offer to go NC and I stupidly thought we could rescue the relationship and now we are LC and I’m supporting him working through everything. He calls them out on the big stuff, we only meet them out at neutral places for food, no having them stay/no staying with them etc.