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Original poster

“Mrs DH initial surname” help me respond!

162 replies

SeaMoonWave · 04/12/2020 18:05

So MIL always addresses cards “Mr & Mrs DH initial surname”. And fucking worse, when writing just to me, “Mrs DH initial surname”. She has always refused to use my title of dr, that I kept my maiden name for work. She sees this as unfair on her son to be seen as higher than him. I want her to send me a card I can return as “not known at this address”.

Anyone got a a nice link/write up/meme I can share to Facebook passively aggressively before I explode tonight?

I wouldn’t even mind the “mr & Mrs surname” thing if she leaves out the DH initial. I don’t mind when my doctor friends wrote to me & Mrs and I sometimes do the same to both of them being doctors. But I know the feeling behind it. She wants me to be a housewife, hates I earn more, and would rather us be poor and know my place in the kitchen. My DH is obviously fine with my job and seeing me as an equal as he married me!

OP posts:
movingonup20 · 04/12/2020 22:53

My mother is continuing to use Mrs on cards despite me being divorced, go figure???

CallmeAngelina · 04/12/2020 23:02

Surely, etiquette should be about not causing offence? That's got to trump doing things the way they were done 50 years ago.

NiceGerbil · 04/12/2020 23:06

I have a feeling I looked it up on debrettes it something in a fit of pique but she wouldn't have it.

In my situation my mum's doing it to wind me up though so I dropped it.

She also separated me from the family in her head when I got married so she never invites just me round or to do stuff, like my brother. I get a sort of formal invitation a few times a year to go round with DH and the kids. They live a 5 min walk up the road FFS!

Anyway. It's often deliberate rather than trying to be 'correct'. And if they keep doing it after you have said please don't then it is 100% to wind you up.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/12/2020 23:08

From the point of view of social etiquette your MIL is correct.
From a business etiquette point of view, you are correct.
in my area of the USA, a married woman becomes Mrs. John E. Doe aka Jane Doe. Socially, to friends, they may be John and Jane Doe. Even if John dies, his wife remains Mrs. John E. Doe.
This is a mistake that Trump made when he publically announced that John E. Doe (deceased) had voted in the election. His widow of 14 years was registered as Mrs. John E. Doe and voted in that name.

Firefliess · 04/12/2020 23:10

I absolutely hate that too. No problem with Mr&Mrs but with his initial, that's saying Mr X and wife of MrX(who doesn't require her own name). MIL did it once and I spoke to DH about it. He tried to say that was the "correct" was you address a couple which I gave him a hard time for. It is not correct, and I'd scarcely accept old fashioned. It's incorrect and offensive. TBF, I don't think MIL has done it recently so maybe DH said something to her!

NiceGerbil · 04/12/2020 23:17

The debretts type stuff is to avoid making a tit out of yourself or offending someone in situations you are not used to.

If a person specifically says please call me this. And especially if it's a member of your own family. Then the courteous thing to do, is to do that. Obviously.

Jesus.

WattleOn · 04/12/2020 23:18

It isn’t wrong but it is old fashioned.

Take a photo of the envelope and post it on Facebook so your friends can laugh if they want. Maybe that will shame your MIL into doing what you want if she has been doing it maliciously. And if she was doing it innocent,y, you will just upset her.

Nicknamegoeshere · 04/12/2020 23:41

My stepnan (late 80's) sent a birthday card to me recently addressed to Mrs My Family Name - My Fiancé's Surname. I'm not even married!!! However, I have had a baby six months ago so maybe she thinks it would be "impolite" to address me as I actually go by (which is Miss Family Name).
I haven't taken offence, I think it's a generational thing knowing how she is.
I'm a primary teacher and still a lot of children believe I must be a Mrs because I have kids!

Changethetoner · 04/12/2020 23:50

I hate it too. It's old fashioned. My MIL addresses mail to me/us like that, and I cringe every time. But it's cos she's old, not because she is evil.

SirMoanalot · 04/12/2020 23:54

There is no point. She will never change and it will be even more awkward.
Take the rough with the smooth.

PorpoiseSpitGazzette · 05/12/2020 01:08

LIGHTHEARTED : Should she ever ring to speak to him ... hold the phone at arms length and bellow “ Sheeeeeeeeeridan ! “ It’s your mother.

Ginandplatonic · 05/12/2020 01:22

My MIL does this too - I am (*names changed to protect the guilty) Dr A Smith. DH is Dr B Jones. MIL addresses things to Dr and Mrs B and A Jones. She’s not doing it to make a point or be difficult, there’s not a nasty bone in her body - she’s 90 and a creature of her generation (and getting a bit vague).

I just let it go, but do make a point of discussing the issues with my teenage sons. I think there’s more benefit in making sure the next generation understand, than trying to change the behaviour of a 90 year old.

Time40 · 05/12/2020 01:49

Debrett's hasn't got absolutely the definitive answer, but almost. It's got this:

Mr John and the Hon Mrs Green
Mr and Mrs Thomas Grey
Dr John and Dr Jane Watkins
Mr Mark and the Reverend Hazel Pugh

  • which appears to show that a married woman's title should be used, so if I were you, I'd tell your MIL that her etiquette is off - she will probably hate being told that!

Older relatives send cards to us as "Mrs and Mrs His Initial His Surname" ... and we're not even married. And they know we're not married! Personally, I don't get worked up about it.

Topseyt · 05/12/2020 03:56

I've never liked this. It is as if some people think I was subsumed by DH when we got married and somehow became him.

I did take on his surname (my choice), but nothing else. If I were marrying now I wouldn't bother changing any names at all.

The only people who occasionally address us in this way are my parents, who are just extremely old fashioned. Thankfully even they do it much less now and it is virtually in disuse. I don't really pay it much attention when it does pop up because they are simply being products of their generation.

Your MIL does sound as though she is deliberately setting out to wind you up. Don't rise to her bait.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 05/12/2020 04:01

Who even writes formal names in a Christmas cards? Especially if it's family? Get a grip

Seafog · 05/12/2020 04:06

Dr and Mr , as according to rank
If she doesn't like it, she can go suck a lemon

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/12/2020 04:24

She’s trying to get a rise from you. Maybe address the envelope to Mrs x and cite her (I imagine lower qualifications on the envelope) then sign your name in the card from Dr Sea MoonWave. Wink

Or just ignore. Her son wants to go no contact but is too conflicted to do so. You are supporting each other. She’s insanely jealous of you and finds you intimidating, hence the need to demean you.

Fozzleyplum · 05/12/2020 05:50

As there are clearly more issues in this relationship than the way your MIL addresses a card, I'd not rise to this. You're not going to change her, so I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing that her deliberate attempt to wind you up, is working.

I would laugh about her behind her back, though.

SurreyHillsGirl · 05/12/2020 07:10

@ShirleyPhallus

Why do it passively aggressively, rather than just speaking to her calmly and telling her you find it upsetting / patronising / demeaning / offensive etc whenever she does it? Or even better, get your DH to do it?
Because that would be far too reasonable and rational. The poster wants some beef with her MIL.
MrsLebowski · 05/12/2020 07:17

My mother is continuing to use Mrs on cards despite me being divorced, go figure??? My mum kept the title Mrs after divorce she felt people were more respectful towards her at school etc so perhaps your mum thinks you would prefer it.

TreacleHart · 05/12/2020 07:19

I'm not married to mine. It makes me Confused when we receive cards just addressed to Fred & Sue ( no surname ) because they can't bring themselves to write Mr Fred Blogs& Miss Sue Smith on them. It's like umarried people should not be living together.

WhoseThatGirl · 05/12/2020 07:22

@StrippedFridge

You are protesting too much.

Laugh at her. Pity her. Her life is so small and sexist.

People compete with others at a similar level. When you are levels apart you don't compete. The superior smiles, nods, carries on regardless. Be above it.

This ^ My partners Mum does it too. We’re not even married. I just ignore.
Vebrithien · 05/12/2020 07:39

So, DH and I have the same initial, and I took his surname. When MIL sends a Christmas card, it is to Mr and Mrs "H" Surname. I can at least pretend that it's my name that is giving the initial Grin

However. When MIL sends me a birthday card, it is always addressed to Ms "H" Surname. DH has no idea why, when I'm on my own, I'm a Ms and not a Mrs.

My theory is that she is Mrs Surname, in her own mind, not me, so I get marked down, when on my own!

DinosApple · 05/12/2020 07:45

It sound like she's doing it on purpose, which is frustrating. But lots of the older generation do address things formally out of habit.

Personally I address cards like so:
'The Smith Family' - shared surname plus children.
'The Smith-Jones Family' - different surnames plus children.
Fred Smith and Sue Jones - couple + different surnames. Informal (like Christmas cards). No titles.

Formal/business- whatever title they have plus initial and surname.

There's also a lot of offence to be inadvertently given with the various contractions of Mistress. I tend to avoid unless I'm certain of their preference (Mrs/Ms/Miss).

letsmakethetea · 05/12/2020 07:45

DH and I are both Dr. A relative sends cards to Dr and Mrs DHsurname which does wind me up a bit but she means well so I just let it go. As much as I'd like to retaliate, in your situation, it would be more frustrating for her if you never mention it.