“Mrs DH initial surname” help me respond!

[SeaMoonWave]

So MIL always addresses cards “Mr & Mrs DH initial surname”. And fucking worse, when writing just to me, “Mrs DH initial surname”. She has always refused to use my title of dr, that I kept my maiden name for work. She sees this as unfair on her son to be seen as higher than him. I want her to send me a card I can return as “not known at this address”.

Anyone got a a nice link/write up/meme I can share to Facebook passively aggressively before I explode tonight?

I wouldn’t even mind the “mr & Mrs surname” thing if she leaves out the DH initial. I don’t mind when my doctor friends wrote to me & Mrs and I sometimes do the same to both of them being doctors. But I know the feeling behind it. She wants me to be a housewife, hates I earn more, and would rather us be poor and know my place in the kitchen. My DH is obviously fine with my job and seeing me as an equal as he married me!

maybe I should stop being precious when DH gets up to make them a cup of tea, and she glares at me and says she’ll make it as DH can’t be expected to?

That would drive me MAD!

What does your DH say?!

I think her glaring at you for "allowing" her son to make a cuppa is the perfect opportunity for you both to say something. You can make it lighthearted - he can simply say "Oh Mum, it's not the dark ages, I do know how to use a kettle, you know!"

What does your dh say to her when she does these things ? Does he say don’t be daft I can make the tea just as welll as dr can

Or does he keep quiet ?

[quote SeaMoonWave]@C0RA I don’t have a DH problem, he is working through his own childhood things they put him through, he did offer to go NC and I stupidly thought we could rescue the relationship and now we are LC and I’m supporting him working through everything. He calls them out on the big stuff, we only meet them out at neutral places for food, no having them stay/no staying with them etc.[/quote]
I don’t understand the comment about making tea then, if you don’t go to each other’s houses.

Sorry if I’m confused .

We get cards Mr and Mrs Dh surname even tough we aren't married. If the card is for me it's my name his surname.

from the point of view of etiquette, she’s right
From the point of view of etiquette, it's correct to address someone how they wish to be addressed.
So if your 14 year old's Maths teacher wants to be called "Dave", you should call him Dave.
If your best friend that you've known since Reception wants to be called "Miss Smith" you should call her Miss Smith (or if she wants you to call her Mary and your DCs' children to call her Miss Smith).
If the hairy trucker next door wants you to call him Shirley, sorry but that's etiquette.
We are a Dr and Mr household and as I said to DS the other day, when we got married, I didn't change my name and neither did DH. We announced this at the wedding too (DS wasn't there).
What you call someone when they are absent is up to you, however, so you have no need to say "Shirley next door came round and she asked me to lend her some tights and I found I was out of her size", you can happily say "That perv next door wanted some tights, eww, what does he think I am?" or indeed "Call-Me-Dave says Tarquin is on track for a D grade, maybe if he got the kids to respect him they'd get better grades".
The only current issue we have is a few people who think we are double barrelled (the DCs have my last name as their second middle name). But they'll find out when they try to write cheques to the DCs at some point.

You’re overthinking it, OP. MIL is not bothered about annoying you, why are you walking on eggshells.

LIGHTHEARTED : Should she ever ring to speak to him ... hold the phone at arms length and bellow “ Sheeeeeeeeeridan ! “ It’s your mother.

Surely that should be "It's your father's wife"

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

LIGHTHEARTED : Should she ever ring to speak to him ... hold the phone at arms length and bellow “ Sheeeeeeeeeridan ! “ It’s your mother.

Surely that should be "It's your father's wife"

My MIL always addressed me as Mrs DH Surname. I asked her not to and she just told me that was the proper way and carried on. Ever since I have addressed her cards as Bob and Mary Surname. I’m sure it drove her nuts but she never said anything! The problem was unfixable and this just gave me a little petty pleasure.

Laugh at her. Pity her. Her life is so small and sexist.

This wot @StrippedFridge said.

By getting cross you are giving her way too much power. Shrug it off.

For the record, I do feel your pain.

My mother did the his initial his name

My much older sister went for her initial his name ( which my mother used for a widow or divorcee)

I ... I just use my name and don't allow them any satisfaction in the scale of things, it's just not important.

I agree with Terf - it's all very well having default 'traditional' forms, but once somebody has told you that they don't want to be addressed that way, what right does some arrogant idiot have to twizzle their bowtie and say "Actually, it is the 'correct' way!" ?

I've even encountered people before who will pompously insist that somebody is spelling or pronouncing their own name wrongly.

I should say: I realise that Terf was speaking in general terms and not necessarily from her own insistence - but the principle stands.

This is how we were taught at school .
I posted a card this morning addressed exactly like that.
If I had a Dr DIL I'd never insult her achievements by leaving out the Dr.

I don't send Christmas cards any more but when I did, I only sent them to people with whom I was on first name terms.

Do mums really send cards to their sons (married to doctors, or not) and address them Mr XXXXX. Lol, what bollocks.

Do mums really send cards to their sons (married to doctors, or not) and address them Mr XXXXX. Lol, what bollocks.

Well, if it was going through the post, then, yes presumably they would! That is standard procedure for an envelope in the post.

Yes, it would obviously go missing in the postal system if anyone dared to use a first name.

@HuntedForest

Well, to be fair to her, you have to have a certain amount of arrogance and self-importance to insist people use a Dr title in private life. So maybe it's a reaction to your general attitude of superiority towards her.

If I was clever enough (and hard working enough) to earn the title of Doctor I would make everyone call me that, including my own children!

I’m in your corner OP, this sort of thing can really grind your gears, even if it seems petty. DH and I have been married for 26 years - it’s my second marriage. SiL has always addressed our cards in our first names only and the same with our children, one of whom is mine from first marriage. She addresses DH’s card using his full name. So she pretends that she doesn’t know what to call us - the only “real” Beauharnais to her mind is him. I’m not one because I’ve been married before, DS1 certainly isn’t one because he has a different dad (even though he has legally changed his name) and DS2 isn’t one because he was born before DH and I married, so he should have my former name apparently. It drives me fucking nuts the knots that people will tie themselves into to deny others membership of “their” family.

Send her a card addressed to her as Ms whatever ... she'll hate that.

@SeaMoonWave

So MIL always addresses cards “Mr & Mrs DH initial surname”. And fucking worse, when writing just to me, “Mrs DH initial surname”. She has always refused to use my title of dr, that I kept my maiden name for work. She sees this as unfair on her son to be seen as higher than him. I want her to send me a card I can return as “not known at this address”.

Anyone got a a nice link/write up/meme I can share to Facebook passively aggressively before I explode tonight?

I wouldn’t even mind the “mr & Mrs surname” thing if she leaves out the DH initial. I don’t mind when my doctor friends wrote to me & Mrs and I sometimes do the same to both of them being doctors. But I know the feeling behind it. She wants me to be a housewife, hates I earn more, and would rather us be poor and know my place in the kitchen. My DH is obviously fine with my job and seeing me as an equal as he married me!

Send her something like this

@whatswithtodaytoday

Correct her every time she does it. No need to be rude, just 'Thanks for the card, by the way my name is X not Mrs DH.'

People are so weird about this though. We're not married and have been together 15 years, and last year - first year with a baby - my SIL addressed our Christmas card to 'Mr and Mrs X'. We definitely didn't get married (and you would think she'd remember she hadn't been to her brother's wedding), so I can only assume she thought it was inappropriate that we're not married now we have a child?!

I think you're over reacting too, it's just easier to write Mr& Mrs Smith than Mr Smith & Ms Jones

As I said, it's only to get your post through the letter box, it's what's inside the envelope that matters!

Get some address labels printed with your & your husband's names as you would like them to appear.

Stick them on EVERYTHING you send her.

Is she Irish, by any chance? My (Irish) mother's family still do this, and my mother would address Christmas cards to her two sisters to Mr and Mrs X Surname (X being the name of the husband). Drove me mad. I don't do it!

My mum does this it's just old fashioned. She was a secretary and it's just how it was done, she hadn't considered that time have changed and people find it offensive now. My mum can't do it to me as I'm not married to DP divorce and stay together would that help?