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Original poster

“Mrs DH initial surname” help me respond!

162 replies

SeaMoonWave · 04/12/2020 18:05

So MIL always addresses cards “Mr & Mrs DH initial surname”. And fucking worse, when writing just to me, “Mrs DH initial surname”. She has always refused to use my title of dr, that I kept my maiden name for work. She sees this as unfair on her son to be seen as higher than him. I want her to send me a card I can return as “not known at this address”.

Anyone got a a nice link/write up/meme I can share to Facebook passively aggressively before I explode tonight?

I wouldn’t even mind the “mr & Mrs surname” thing if she leaves out the DH initial. I don’t mind when my doctor friends wrote to me & Mrs and I sometimes do the same to both of them being doctors. But I know the feeling behind it. She wants me to be a housewife, hates I earn more, and would rather us be poor and know my place in the kitchen. My DH is obviously fine with my job and seeing me as an equal as he married me!

OP posts:
lemonsquashie · 05/12/2020 09:10

I'd pay for one of those little address stickers to put on the back of an envelope: Dr Smith & Mr Jones 22 The Avenue xyz 123

Stick it on every single card you send them

Respectabitch · 05/12/2020 12:06

@MrsLebowski

My mother is continuing to use Mrs on cards despite me being divorced, go figure??? My mum kept the title Mrs after divorce she felt people were more respectful towards her at school etc so perhaps your mum thinks you would prefer it.
That is actually the correct stone age ettiquette that people of my mother's age learned. A divorced woman becomes Mrs Herowninitial Exhusbandssurname. This is my DM's excuse for not writing me cards even just to me as Mrs Myinitial Mymarriedname.
diddl · 05/12/2020 15:20

"My mother is continuing to use Mrs on cards despite me being divorced, go figure???"

It's still your title though?

Have you asked her not to?

Original poster
SeaMoonWave · 05/12/2020 17:22

@SurreyHillsGirl Because that would be far too reasonable and rational. The poster wants some beef with her MIL.

Thanks, but no. I was the one who tried to explain things to them, tried to keep the relationship going longer than I should have done for my DH believing he shouldn’t have to go NC with his parents for the way they treat me for not being a failed housewife. They nearly visible exploded when we discussed our plans for DH to be a SAHD. And then waited until he was out to tell me how unfair I was being.

Anyway. I needed to not rise to her. Other people send cards to mr and Mrs and I know they see us as equals so that’s fine.

OP posts:
Peacocking · 06/12/2020 06:19

I'd love to see all Mr, Mrs, Ms, Mx type if prefixes gone. Why is it relevant? Dr, fair enough.

I'd also like to see the end of Mother and Father being recorded by schools and other authorities - it would reduce the everyday sexism shown by schools towards fathers. It should always be parent 1 and parent 2.

Why on earth should our gender be relevant in either situation?

CherryValanc · 06/12/2020 06:29

Is it posted?

Write on it "not know at this address" and send it back.

NiceGerbil · 06/12/2020 15:03

I give the card from my parents to DH. It's addressed to him after all. My own mother FFS.

Odile13 · 06/12/2020 15:16

We have received cards addressed like this. It’s old fashioned and I don’t like it but I wouldn’t say anything to the sender. I don’t see the point as they obviously believe that’s the ‘correct’ way of doing things and it was in the past. I don’t address cards that way and the next generation certainly won’t.

HuntedForest · 06/12/2020 17:43

Well, to be fair to her, you have to have a certain amount of arrogance and self-importance to insist people use a Dr title in private life. So maybe it's a reaction to your general attitude of superiority towards her.

TurquoiseDragon · 06/12/2020 18:59

I expect that she thinks she's keeping your DH's family's end up by showing her very well educated DIL she knows how to correctly address an envelope.

But she's not addressing the envelope correctly.

Addressing an envelope correctly means using the correct name. As OP has not changed her name, then addressing her as "Mrs DH Initial, DH Surname" is not correct.

Original poster
SeaMoonWave · 07/12/2020 10:30

@HuntedForest

Well, to be fair to her, you have to have a certain amount of arrogance and self-importance to insist people use a Dr title in private life. So maybe it's a reaction to your general attitude of superiority towards her.
Nice. Nope I don’t expect people to use it at all. I don’t add it to every thing I buy, I’m registered at the chemist as Mrs (by default not something I ticked) and my doctor friends send cards to mr and Mrs. People don’t know unless we’re close, even meeting new people unless it is specifically asked what I do I keep it quiet.

The friends sending cards, That doesn’t bother me, it’s the deliberately sending cards to Mrs DH initial his surname. When she talks about my work she refers to me as a student, someone who does the paperwork etc. Not an actual fucking doctor. If it came to Mrs DH surname, fine. Just i am not an extension of him to be found chained to the sink.

OP posts:
lemonsquashie · 07/12/2020 10:30

@HuntedForest

Well, to be fair to her, you have to have a certain amount of arrogance and self-importance to insist people use a Dr title in private life. So maybe it's a reaction to your general attitude of superiority towards her.
Wow 😳
whatswithtodaytoday · 07/12/2020 10:38

Correct her every time she does it. No need to be rude, just 'Thanks for the card, by the way my name is X not Mrs DH.'

People are so weird about this though. We're not married and have been together 15 years, and last year - first year with a baby - my SIL addressed our Christmas card to 'Mr and Mrs X'. We definitely didn't get married (and you would think she'd remember she hadn't been to her brother's wedding), so I can only assume she thought it was inappropriate that we're not married now we have a child?!

ottermadness · 07/12/2020 10:40

@HuntedForest

Well, to be fair to her, you have to have a certain amount of arrogance and self-importance to insist people use a Dr title in private life. So maybe it's a reaction to your general attitude of superiority towards her.
It’s this kind of minimising rubbish that makes it more annoying tbh.

I bet you one mars bar that this poster wouldn’t say this kind of drivel to a male Dr.

HuntedForest · 07/12/2020 10:46

🤣 Mars bar please!

Wolfff · 07/12/2020 10:49

I had this (though not a doctor!). DH just told MIL that my correct title/surname was Ms XX.

If she sends me a card individually it is addressed to me using my first name and surname. My (unusual) surname is the same as her Mum’s maiden name though, so that may be part of the reason.

knittingaddict · 07/12/2020 10:56

@AgeLikeWine

She’s winding you up deliberately and she knows exactly what she’s doing. Don’t bite. Ignore her and rise above it.
Is she? You know this for a fact?

I was taught to address people this way at school and still do it. It wasn't till MN that I learn how offensive this is. I definitely don't do it to annoy anyone or do it passive aggressively. It's a lifelong habit that is hard to break.

lazylinguist · 07/12/2020 10:57

Well, to be fair to her, you have to have a certain amount of arrogance and self-importance to insist people use a Dr title in private life.

I wonder if people would think think it was arrogant and self-important for a male doctor to call himself 'doctor'. I doubt it. And I wonder if the OP's MIL would think it unfair for a male doctor to call himself and his wife Dr and Mrs X, thereby 'putting himself above her', as the MIL accuses the OP of doing. No, of course not.

knittingaddict · 07/12/2020 10:59

I do think the Dr thing is annoying though if it's a title you use. Not everyone does, but it should be respected.

HuntedForest · 07/12/2020 11:02

I wonder if people would think think it was arrogant and self-important for a male doctor to call himself 'doctor'.

Of course it is. You don't use your title outside of work or publications.

ottermadness · 07/12/2020 11:03

@HuntedForest

🤣 Mars bar please!
Proof or it didn’t happen Smile. Equal opportunities rudeness!
midgebabe · 07/12/2020 11:04

Address hers as to Mrs her.initial and Mr their surname and see if she notices

icedancerlenny · 07/12/2020 11:04

I got a Christmas card from my mum addressed to Mrs abusive ex husband husband initial surname. I was very upset about it but I haven’t said anything.

C0RA · 07/12/2020 11:04

@baubling

After my mum was widowed she found it extremely upsetting to get letters addressed to Mrs (Dad's initials) Surname.

It is really bad form anyway, and went out of fashion decades ago.

That wasn’t even correct in 1900. As a married woman she was Mrs John Brown, a widow was always Mrs Jane Brown.

@SeaMoonWave get your Husband to explain to her that the correct form is

Mr John Brown and Dr Jane Jones.

Get him to explain what your job is, in simple words so she can understand.

Do not do this yourself. He needs to deal as it’s his mother showing disrespect to his wife. Or he’s politely correcting her as she doesn't know better.

Every time she gets it wrong he needs to gently correct her “ Remember mum, Jane isn’t a student anymore , she finished her PhD three years ago, she’s a nuclear physicist now “.

BTW every single man I know with a title ( Rev, Dr, Prof) uses it all the time. It’s only women who are told not to use it in “ private life “ in case it makes them look superior ( the worse possible sin for a woman , you must always know your place ) .

C0RA · 07/12/2020 11:13

BTW I bet that the same people insisting that women can’t use the title they have earned are the same ones who insist on using Mrs and not Ms or Miss - a completely unearned title dependent on their relationship with a man.

Some of these women even use Mrs when they are not married and they even give their kids his surname Hmm. But any women who uses the title they are actually entitled to is stuck up .

Internalised misogyny indeed.