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Original poster

Mum refusing to care for dad after surgery

204 replies

Ginnymweasley · 26/11/2020 17:00

My dad recently got diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is going to have surgery followed by radiotherapy sometime in the next 5 weeks (hopefully). We were discussing what would happen when he leaves hospital after the surgery. The dr has told him he will have a catheter for a couple of weeks and will probably feel tired and in pain as well (obviously). He is fairly fit but he has epilepsy as well and obviously no one knows how fast he will recover from surgery.
My mum has now said that she won't be bringing him food upstairs as she won't be able to manage. She won't be helping him out with his catheter or anything. My parents are only in their 60s so not old. And she is quite capable of carrying him a plate of food upstairs. She has said she won't be able to look after the cats, do the shopping etc.
I'm really angry with her cause now my dad is more stressed. Everyday he makes her breakfast in bed, makes all her drinks and cooks 5 days out of 7. He looks after their pets, is in charge of all the finances and does a lot of the household jobs. And she is refusing to do it for a week after he has cancer surgery.
I would offer to go help but I live 300 miles away and would have to arrange childcare etc. I will do it if it's possible but it might not be if we get short notice for the surgery.
Is there anyone that could help provide general help for him in regards to food etc. I just don't know how to help him.

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 26/11/2020 20:55

Quuens I’m really glad you’re out of there

oP as your father does the finances then I hope he knows what his escape fund is.

JacobReesMogadishu · 26/11/2020 21:02

She sounds very much like my bitch of a total narc mother who died very recently. I haven’t cried once. I’d been NC with her for years but prior to that was used to the volatile mood swings, the abuse, bullying, the silent treatment for weeks and weeks on end....all the time thinking she had done nothing wrong.

I’d recommend going NC but guess it must be hard when you have your dad to consider and you get on with him.

Keratinsmooth · 26/11/2020 21:05

Your dad should consider the future of his marriage.

If my DD, friend, associate behaved like your Dm is I would be mortified

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AcrossthePond55 · 26/11/2020 21:10

I hope your dad goes to your uncle's and Uncle spends some time talkin to him. If possible I'd see if he can come to you for the last few days (maybe lie to your mum that his convalescence has been 'extended' so you can show him (again) how lovely it is where you live and how peaceful his life can be.

Poor man.

saraclara · 26/11/2020 21:11

[quote Ginnymweasley]@QueenPaws the silence. God the silence is the worst. It's somehow much harder to cope with than the yelling.[/quote]
Yep. We could go for days wondering which of us (me, my brother, or dad) had 'caused it'. Treading on eggshells. Barely daring to even talk to each other because the silence from her was so intimidating.

diddl · 27/11/2020 07:35

I might not be able to care for my husband if he needed help to get to the toilet for example.

He's over a foot taller than me & considerably heavier.

If he fell, I'd more than likely go down with him, so that aspect I would understand.

But ths is a whole new level of uncaring/dislike even hatred!

Hope that your Dad will go to his brother, Op.

Even if carers were paid for for your dad, I can't help but think he would be talked into doing stuff for himself & your mum.

Or she would just be irritated that he was ther & not doing stuff for her.

user1471538283 · 27/11/2020 09:23

I think he either comes to you on his own (and reassess his relationship with your DM after this) or he has paid carers that only look after him (because I could see her piggy backing onto his carers). I'm so sorry she's being like this

IrmaFayLear · 27/11/2020 11:06

It is interesting, how pps have mentioned, how quite a lot of men stay devoted to women who clearly despise them. Fil worshipped mil. He genuinely thought he was the luckiest man alive and gazed at mil like a devoted dog. They had a Lady Penelope and Parker relationship and mil never lifted a finger to help him. Not even a cup of tea. He was butler/chauffeur/handyman. Dh says that fil slept on a camp bed downstairs even when dh was little Confused

whataboutbob · 27/11/2020 11:56

Yeah weird @IrmaFayLear it does seem be a thing. Total devotion to a woman who is toxic Asa wife and as a mother.

ODFOx · 27/11/2020 12:28

Actually I think your Mum is being pretty sensible saying up front that she doesn't think she can do it.

My fitness levels have plummeted over lockdown, as I'm sure your Mum's did after her surgery, and I can completely imagine not being confident to carry a tray up stairs in a few years.
Does yourMum rely on the bannister now?
She's going to be in shock too. It sounds like she is panicking. Please lets not label her a narcissist when we don't have all the facts.

  1. pets go off to battery/kennels for a couple of weeks 2)Is there any way to get a bed downstairs for your Dad?
  2. ready meals until they are over the hump
  3. Nurse or cater to show your Mum what is required for your DFs personal care, or to come in twice a day until he's a bit better?
unmarkedbythat · 27/11/2020 12:37

She's going to be in shock too. It sounds like she is panicking. Please lets not label her a narcissist when we don't have all the facts.

I think, reading all OP's posts, that this is not a panicked woman in shock who usually acts perfectly reasonably and does what she can.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/11/2020 12:52

@IrmaFayLear

It is interesting, how pps have mentioned, how quite a lot of men stay devoted to women who clearly despise them. Fil worshipped mil. He genuinely thought he was the luckiest man alive and gazed at mil like a devoted dog. They had a Lady Penelope and Parker relationship and mil never lifted a finger to help him. Not even a cup of tea. He was butler/chauffeur/handyman. Dh says that fil slept on a camp bed downstairs even when dh was little Confused
Makes you wonder how your dh came to be doesn’t it?.
ISpeakJive · 27/11/2020 12:57

I’m so sorry about your dad, OP! But I have to be honest, if both your parents were stood in front of me here, I’m not sure who I’d shake the shit out of first!
This is terribly sad for you and your poor dad. I really hope you find a solution. Flowers

ISpeakJive · 27/11/2020 13:00

She's going to be in shock too. It sounds like she is panicking

....yes, that she’ll break a fingernail.

20mum · 27/11/2020 15:12

There is a type of man who enjoys worshipping a demanding woman. The unbalanced relationships mentioned on the thread suggest it is fairly common, and not confined to the ever-thriving industry of 'mistress whiplash' professionals. There must be a spectrum from outright wanting to be demeaned and pained, and simply drifting into inequality during a long marriage.

NiceGerbil · 27/11/2020 15:47

Reading recent posts it seems that op mum would actually leave him upstairs bed bound with no food or drink for a week ie he would die I expect.

OP that is so far beyond even the most arsey of parents that something needs to be done. It sounds like he's at serious risk generally.

TatianaBis · 27/11/2020 17:03

@Sexnotgender

Because, while I’m an atheist, I have to say that local churches are pretty amazing at organising help for the vulnerable.

Of course they are. And they’re incredibly busy trying to help all the incredibly vulnerable older population through this pandemic who are on their own. They really are stretched. There is a perfectly capable adult in this situation who needs to step up.

Sorry I forgot about this thread. Not saying she doesn’t but the fact is she won’t. And in that circumstance DF is as vulnerable as if he we’re alone. My local church isn’t so focused on the pandemic that it won’t help people with other needs.
20mum · 27/11/2020 18:46

This is classic. The stereotype is that everyone has a devoted family eager and able to help and that there is no such thing as a family member who fails to live up to stereotype. Every father/mother is a perfect parent. Every partner is perfect. Every sibling is perfect. Every child is perfect.

foreverandalways · 27/11/2020 19:01

Contact social services and explain the situation...they should come to the house and assess dads needs and complete a financial assessment to ascertain whether they would need to pay for any help he may need

lalafafa · 27/11/2020 19:13

Your posts have sent chills through me OP, they describe my parents to a T. Thank god my sister lived near when my father was ill or he would have died much sooner. If he had lived he would have come to live with one of us. She would have happily lived on her own with no contact from any of us, she didn’t give a shit about anyone but herself. Begrudged making his food, wouldn’t collect his prescriptions, wouldn’t buy him new clothes, he lost a lot of weight, as she said he wouldn’t last long enough to get his wear out of them.

80sColourfulChristmas · 27/11/2020 19:18

@Guineapigbridge

Their other option is to pay someone. I'd stay out of it OP, don't get involved.
If OP doesn't get involved (Hmm) then her Mum will have OP's Dad up and about, cooking for her as soon as he's able to even slightly stand up.

Genuinely horrified at your "Don't get involved" comment. This is her father and he's in NEED for fuck's sake.......

Poppingnostopping · 27/11/2020 20:25

I wouldn't get involved myself in caring for the dad because it's covering over the situation. This is going to happen more and more as he and she age, and simply covering up that she is neglectful isn't the way forward- perhaps the dad might leave, perhaps he might choose to stay, but the mortification of having to have care/social services involved might trigger some sense of saving himself. Or sadly not. But I wouldn't be enabling my mother and father's weird dynamic or covering it up, that's precisely what the mum is relying on.

Temporary1234 · 27/11/2020 21:17

Does your mother have mental health issues ? As it sounds otherwise your dad is excusing her behaviour

InTheCludgie · 27/11/2020 22:17

Your parents sound like my PIL. When FIL was alive he ran about constantly after MIL, she did nothing round the house. When he became unwell and came home from hospital with a catheter he ended up with a UTI as she wasn't helping him with it. FIL passed away almost a decade ago and she sits in a filthy house doing nothing all day and refusing help to clean it up (doesn't think there's anything wrong with the state it's in). DH and his sisters have no relationship to speak of with her due to her difficult behaviour and I usually avoid her when I can ( lockdown has been great for this!) - I had my eyes opened years ago when I saw her bitch about her 'friends' behind their backs, while using them for whatever met her needs.
Having your uncle help out sounds like a good plan, would love to see how your mum gets on when she's on her own.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 28/11/2020 10:48

About 15 years ago I had a client who used to have falls all the time, she would be covered in bruises. They stopped after her husband had a stroke, He was a heavy drinker and he first beat her up the night after she married him. She told me she thought he'd eventually kill her and she'd thought about not calling an ambulance after his stroke.

She abused him after he came out of the rehabilitation unit. It was mostly ignoring him for hours as she was feeding him and toileting him. She was openly verbally abusive and talking about him feeling helpless now. Her children visited once or twice but were mostly absent. It was chilling to see this formerly abused woman getting her own back.

After he was moved to a hospice she started dating again. Her daughter then attacked her several times for not visiting enough and after the husband died said the mother had killed him. The daughter then attacked her when she found out her mother was dating. Her children were perfectly aware of the domestic abuse but the daughter had always been a Daddy's girl and was abusive towards her mother too.