Mum refusing to care for dad after surgery

[Ginnymweasley]

My dad recently got diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is going to have surgery followed by radiotherapy sometime in the next 5 weeks (hopefully). We were discussing what would happen when he leaves hospital after the surgery. The dr has told him he will have a catheter for a couple of weeks and will probably feel tired and in pain as well (obviously). He is fairly fit but he has epilepsy as well and obviously no one knows how fast he will recover from surgery.
My mum has now said that she won't be bringing him food upstairs as she won't be able to manage. She won't be helping him out with his catheter or anything. My parents are only in their 60s so not old. And she is quite capable of carrying him a plate of food upstairs. She has said she won't be able to look after the cats, do the shopping etc.
I'm really angry with her cause now my dad is more stressed. Everyday he makes her breakfast in bed, makes all her drinks and cooks 5 days out of 7. He looks after their pets, is in charge of all the finances and does a lot of the household jobs. And she is refusing to do it for a week after he has cancer surgery.
I would offer to go help but I live 300 miles away and would have to arrange childcare etc. I will do it if it's possible but it might not be if we get short notice for the surgery.
Is there anyone that could help provide general help for him in regards to food etc. I just don't know how to help him.

Microwave meals, all supermarkets do them.
There is no restriction on doing stairs after prostatectomy. He might want to come down in the morning and go up at night. Generally, though, execise is good, along with adequate rest.
Plastic urinal for downstairs to empty catheter which is laughably easy to do and to look after.
He should not go home to be in bed all day unless he wants to develop post op complications of DVT or chest infection and become very unwell.
He should be able to manage at home on his own - men do, who have no choice.
I totally understand your disgust, so much for in sickness and in health, eh?

This sounds like my mil. When fil had a hip replacement, I went over and tried to reorganise his bedroom (note: his bedroom) a bit so he could get to the bathroom with his Zimmer frame. Mil went potty and said she didn’t want her house messed up and fil would just have to manoeuvre round her sewing machine table etc. I also organised Wiltshire Farm Foods. Oh dear. Mil did not like them, but nor was she going to turn her hand to cooking anything either.

Isn't this is what we 'save all our lives for', to ensure we are safe and cared for our in our old age? If your mum won't help then private carers is probably the way to go.
In the long term your parents now need to think how they will manage a house full of stairs as they get older and frailer. It's unfair to look to you such a distance away.
We've just had a crisis with PIL because of their 'head in the sand' attitude over the years with regards to stairs and lack of a downstairs bathroom.

Can you move in with them for a couple of days until your dad is over the worst, and then take him home with you for a few weeks? I'd be inclined to leave your mother to sort her own cooking and cleaning out for a few weeks, the selfish mare. Absolutely awful behaviour.

So it sounds like he might be okay to manage

If your mum cooks, will she literally just cook for herself?

I wonder if it’s better to have him go home immediately after, then after a bit, he can stay with you and plan a permanent escape. I think that’s really important.

If it’s a surgery where they’d say he could manage alone for a week, that might be the way forward.

If your parents have a downstairs bathroom, you could arrange for a single bed to be moved downstairs into the living room for your Dad.
Much easier for everyone.

Contact Macmillan cancer charity right away and ask what support they can offer (they are excellent and free) .

@MessAllOver

In your shoes, mum wouldn't be getting a Christmas present this year. Instead, I'd give dad a contribution if he ends up having to pay for care.

Never mind a Christmas present She wouldn’t see me for dust!

I am so sorry OP you are faced with this..its truly shocking to read.I know what I would do but that won;t help you.Your mum should be left on her own with the cats and everything to manage and your dad should be a million miles away from her.I wish you and your dad well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Could he come and recuperate with you? I'm sure there would be a way to transfer him comfortably to you and then you can look after him.

If I was you, I would go get the dad and cats and have them round over Christmas.
And as far as your mum goes - she wouldn't get even a card from me for Christmas! Sod her and her childish attitude.
Treat your dad as he won't be here for long. Let him be happy for a change too.

It's a shame he can't come stay with you now and stay on until after his surgery and leave your mum on her own through the holidays, the selfish cow. Maybe she'd learn something.

Its sounds like the biggest issue here, apart from your Mother being a complete cow, is meal prep. He is appetite might be reduced by the surgery and radiotherapy, so I would look at getting in a shop of high calorie stuff he might fancy to nibble on, easy things that don't need cooking much, if at all. A few ready meals that can be quickly microwaved for the first week. Or takeaways, do they live in a area that deliveroo covers ?
The catheter shouldn't be too much of an issue and he should be shown how to change the leg bag, which only needs doing once a week and the night bag which attaches to the leg bag. If he runs into any difficulties with it, if he speaks to the GP, they should be able to organise a community nurse to come and show him what to do again.
Do they have a downstairs toilet at all ? I know you said no downstairs bathroom ?

I'm sure he will be fine in the whole, I think I just worry about him getting older and coping. There are 3 flights of stairs from the downstairs up to the bedrooms so it's not the kind of house to grow old in. In the past 6 months he has gone from being fine to now having cancer and epilepsy. It's all being a huge adjustment for him. Maybe after he has had the catheter removed he could come and stay here. We live in north wales by the sea so a lovely place to recuperate I think.
The stair thing was mentioned by his consultant hence why he is worrying about it.

The problem OP and her dad are going to have with securing care is that if her mum is going to lie to services and pretend she will do it all, the need for the care provision won't be recognised.

If I was writing a novel (which I am) about a narcissist (tempted now!) I would put your mum in it. Must have been a tricky childhood but you seem to have come out of it fairly sane. Did your DF enable this? The “men love bitches” kind of dynamic?
I don’t intend to sound nasty. I’m genuinely interested in this blatantly appalling behaviour. How do people get away with it! Yet they do - my aunt is like this and so is my friend’s mum. Both adored by their husbands even though they wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire 🤷‍♀️

@Ginnymweasley Why are you so worried about the catheter? He could stay with you before it's removed - they are very transportable objects!

It is a shame you can't have your dad. Your mum sounds incredibly selfish and entitled. Grrr I feel like doing something I'd get into trouble for to her.

It seems like longer term the ideal thing would be that they divorce and your DF comes to live nearer to you, and gets a smaller property more suited to his needs. It sounds like he is sort of under your Mum's control and it must seem impossible to convince him, but maybe with current big life events he will have the push he needs to see the light.

I hope the surgery and recovery go well for him.

I know the catheter is transportable but he won't come down here until he has it removed at his check in appointment. I think I'm just concerned about the effect of it all. Hos epilepsy is not controlled yet either and it's just a lot for him to cope with, with no support from anyone.

Any chance you could have your dad stay with you for a week - put cats in cattery etc. Perhaps not viable if he needs medical care during that time but if he just needs to rest.

Sorry your mother is so difficult, it must be very hard given your dad being unwell. I hope he’s on the road to recovery soon.

Another idea - how about a rehabilitation clinic or some kind of step down care? He might only need a few days.

What a nasty mother you have.

What area of the country are they? I'd be happy to help if I'm nearby

@Coronawireless

If I was writing a novel (which I am) about a narcissist (tempted now!) I would put your mum in it. Must have been a tricky childhood but you seem to have come out of it fairly sane. Did your DF enable this? The “men love bitches” kind of dynamic? I don’t intend to sound nasty. I’m genuinely interested in this blatantly appalling behaviour. How do people get away with it! Yet they do - my aunt is like this and so is my friend’s mum. Both adored by their husbands even though they wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire 🤷‍♀️

Childhood was interesting. Built up resilience and independence I think. I also spent a lot of time with my dad and grandparents which probably helped. I think the reason my dad stays is a mixture of obligation and control. She is so volatile that I think he is scared of her reactions so just goes along with things for the easy life. I'm hoping this might all open his eyes somewhat.

This is terrible... Its short term care! I can understand that long term care can feel onerwelming at first... But this is just so selfish. I'm so sorry 'in sickness and in health' means do little to your mum. I can imagine how frustrating it is. I also think him decamping to you for Christmas would be a great idea... I'd also not invite my mum. 🤪

Thinking ahead... Accepting he won't leave her... What will happen if your dad passed away first (hopefully many years in the future)...is she just expecting the easy ride through life to continue financially? (ie she gets his share of house, pensions or any other money... Is that what he wants?) what about practically? Will you be expected to care for her? Do housework and cooking etc.

I just think it's worth a conversation at some stage with your dad & siblings to agree an approach as she is obviously an awkward customer.
I wish you luck!

I would also be tempted to tell your Mum that you are putting a post on the local community FB page explaining the situation, and how as she won't put a ready meal in a microwave for him, could people recommend any local places that would be able to deliver him a hot meal each day.