Mum refusing to care for dad after surgery

[Ginnymweasley]

My dad recently got diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is going to have surgery followed by radiotherapy sometime in the next 5 weeks (hopefully). We were discussing what would happen when he leaves hospital after the surgery. The dr has told him he will have a catheter for a couple of weeks and will probably feel tired and in pain as well (obviously). He is fairly fit but he has epilepsy as well and obviously no one knows how fast he will recover from surgery.
My mum has now said that she won't be bringing him food upstairs as she won't be able to manage. She won't be helping him out with his catheter or anything. My parents are only in their 60s so not old. And she is quite capable of carrying him a plate of food upstairs. She has said she won't be able to look after the cats, do the shopping etc.
I'm really angry with her cause now my dad is more stressed. Everyday he makes her breakfast in bed, makes all her drinks and cooks 5 days out of 7. He looks after their pets, is in charge of all the finances and does a lot of the household jobs. And she is refusing to do it for a week after he has cancer surgery.
I would offer to go help but I live 300 miles away and would have to arrange childcare etc. I will do it if it's possible but it might not be if we get short notice for the surgery.
Is there anyone that could help provide general help for him in regards to food etc. I just don't know how to help him.

Also try the local church for advice

If I had a neighbour in this position I’d happily cook food and take it up to him, help tidy and so on.

This sounds like my Mum, always panderd to by my Dad had pigeonholed herself into the 'being cared for' role, nothing actually wrong with herto warrant 'care' just plays on being Diabetic and cant do much

The my Dad had a stroke abroad where he was discharged after 5 days incontinent and parylysed as is the course in this country

She threatened to put him after a home after half a day.

She eneded up having to pay for privte care

There should be a follow up team assigned who can support him in early days plus gp. Several family members have had similar and were encouraged to self care and be mobile. If he is normally reasonably fit and his epilepsy under control he will probably be able to manage. However your dm sounds detached and unfeeling. Is this normal behaviour for her or is it a sign of something else going on?

I've been trying to convince him to divorce her for years. In regards to food my mum will reluctantly cook herself something if she has no choice. She will moan about it while she does it.
They don't have a downstairs bathroom sadly but they do have a walk in shower that my dad got fitted 2 years ago as my mum was struggling with the bath.
I wish he would come down here tbh, he would love it here by the coast and I would like to see him truly happy for once

Will you mum be honest with health and social care that she will not provide basic care to your dad?

My parents were like this. Initially, they didn't pay for carers, which meant my dad didn't get the care or even the food he needed. Then they did, and that helped smooth things out. In the end he died in a hospice. I suggested he might want to go home for the final bit but the look of worry on his face said enough. It was very sad but in the end I saw it as a reflection of how their marriage was. At least he had proper care for the last few weeks, even if it was not from my mum. So from experience, I'd say try to do what gives your dad what he needs, even if that means showing up your mum for who she is.

Would the threat of paid carers make her feel so embarassed about others knowing that she would change her mind and cook etc for your dad?

This is her normal behaviour. When I was hospitalized suffering from hyperemesis she phoned me to tell me I was obviously too weak to have children. And she refused to look after my sisters child when my sister had to be taken to a and e.

I would see if he could stay for a week or two.

Leave your mum at home.

@unmarkedbythat

Will you mum be honest with health and social care that she will not provide basic care to your dad?

God no she will tell them that she is happy to help only to refuse to do it once they have left.

Can he recuperate near you. Where do you live. There are cancer support hotels

That is sad. Does your dad have to be upstairs? When my mother in law was ill, she was cared for downstairs. It's not difficult to bring a bed down.

It's possible your dad may be able to look after the catheter himself. At the moment you don't know how mobile he will be.

The hospital should ensure he will have proper care on discharge and they are able to organise it. Carers are still working, going to people's homes, and he will be visited by his GP and the district nurse.

I do not understand your mother's attitude.

Can you look at a transfer to where you live?

How old are your children?

If your mum won't even feed the cats she lives and would sooner let them starve to death the. with why on earth would your dad stay in this marriage?

Unless there are complications he will most likely recover quite quickly, particularly if he is having keyhole surgery. Stock the freezer with some decent ready meals.

Alternatively find a local care home which offers convalescent care for a week or two, local to you if needs be. Covid safe permitting.

Could your dad come and stay with you to convalesce?

@Ginnymweasley

I've been trying to convince him to divorce her for years. In regards to food my mum will reluctantly cook herself something if she has no choice. She will moan about it while she does it. They don't have a downstairs bathroom sadly but they do have a walk in shower that my dad got fitted 2 years ago as my mum was struggling with the bath. I wish he would come down here tbh, he would love it here by the coast and I would like to see him truly happy for once

I've just read that, can you arrange for him to be discharged to your care? Obviously you'll have to put a care package together but where there's a will, there's a way.

Good luck and keep us informed how he is getting on.

Really doubt a 60 year old will need carers after a planned prostatectomy.

@Crumbleweed

Unless there are complications he will most likely recover quite quickly, particularly if he is having keyhole surgery. Stock the freezer with some decent ready meals.

The ready meals won't be of any use if she's going to refuse to cook them and take them upstairs to him. Poor man.

@ApolloandDaphne

Why would you doubt SS would help? In many areas there is a distinct post-discharge free-to-service user care service (enablement care or similar title) for 4-6 weeks especially for this kind of limited, short term need post surgery.
OP: ask and see if this is the case in your father's area.
OTOH a PP's reference to Continuing Health Care - unless he has a terminal prognosis (sorry OP but no other way to put it) he would not qualify at present.

/recently ex LA older people's social worker

I'd try the Adult Social Care team in his area and possibly try talking with the hospital directly explain the situation see what they say they may be helpful or more not- private carers or a care home for a week might be options.

Regarding the cats cattery or a pet sitting servcie to come in and feed feed them - we use one when we went on holiday - or asking a neigbour would be options.

Or indeed in your area if he convalesces with you.

Could you come and have him stay with you, but not your Mum? Then he can get the rest nd care he needs, even if you need to get carers in if you are out at work for a few days?

Ask a neighbour to feed the cats if you know them enough to ask, as your Mum is not able to. Be interesting how your Mum responds to that.

In your shoes, mum wouldn't be getting a Christmas present this year. Instead, I'd give dad a contribution if he ends up having to pay for care.