Mum refusing to care for dad after surgery

[Ginnymweasley]

My dad recently got diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is going to have surgery followed by radiotherapy sometime in the next 5 weeks (hopefully). We were discussing what would happen when he leaves hospital after the surgery. The dr has told him he will have a catheter for a couple of weeks and will probably feel tired and in pain as well (obviously). He is fairly fit but he has epilepsy as well and obviously no one knows how fast he will recover from surgery.
My mum has now said that she won't be bringing him food upstairs as she won't be able to manage. She won't be helping him out with his catheter or anything. My parents are only in their 60s so not old. And she is quite capable of carrying him a plate of food upstairs. She has said she won't be able to look after the cats, do the shopping etc.
I'm really angry with her cause now my dad is more stressed. Everyday he makes her breakfast in bed, makes all her drinks and cooks 5 days out of 7. He looks after their pets, is in charge of all the finances and does a lot of the household jobs. And she is refusing to do it for a week after he has cancer surgery.
I would offer to go help but I live 300 miles away and would have to arrange childcare etc. I will do it if it's possible but it might not be if we get short notice for the surgery.
Is there anyone that could help provide general help for him in regards to food etc. I just don't know how to help him.

Are you parents ok financially? If so can your dad just hire his own help. I suggest he insists that the helper make meals for him only.

My goodness I’ve had a downer on my Mum lately but this is next level selfishness

@Ginnymweasley

He would definitely try to do everything. I have spoken to my uncle who lives closer than me. He has offered to have my dad stay with him. My dad might agree to this more readily than other things. My uncle also doesnt generally take anyones shit so I'm hoping he will talk some sense into my dad. (My dad hadn't told my uncle that my mum was doing this).

Ah, this seems a good plan.

This is a quite common problem amongst some families. I'm surprised it comes as such a shock on here tbh. It's something seen in estranged families where the parent blames the estranged children for not stepping in and doing the caring they themselves should be doing.

I was involved with one situation where the two working daughters had to share in the aftercare. They each took turns moving back home from across the country to care for their father as the mother refused to get involved in his care. She was 'too' upset to lift a finger.

The mother threw a huge tantrum and was pretending to have a heart attack whilst the father had become seriously ill and everyone was tending to him and waiting for the ambulance to take him back to hospital. The youngest daughter, who didn't work, then turned up and wanted her meal cooked.

Could your dad not come to you?

Can I ask...he’s ruined Christmas, who do they spend Christmas with? I’m not sure your mum sounds like a jolly person to be around so who do they usually spend it with?

Pandemic I’ve seen a friend’s parents refuse to help when she had surgery

No reason other than they didn’t want to

I suspect they’d both stretch to carrying a meal up stairs though, I don’t know.

Also suggest your dad stops doing everything for her starting tomorrow. Just do his own thing, if she’s hungry she’ll make herself dinner etc. See how she likes it. No wonder she doesn’t want to do anything your poor dad is waiting on her hand and foot.

The expectation that your Mum should go from doing nothing to doing everything is obviously too much for her.

Could they make extra portions of food and freeze them? It then becomes less of a do all the shopping and cooking job, just a Defrosting and reheating job. Get a local teenager to look after the pets for pocket money. Do an internet shop for them for basics like milk etc.

Maybe once she feels that she can handle that, she could try the catheter. Setting up a bed downstairs sounds a good move too.

It's like reading my life I didn't realise how many people would be shocked reading the OP. My mum hasn't (in the past decade maybe) cooked anything, done a single piece of housework/washed up/put laundry on, or even got her own glass of water or drink
My dad does everything
After I broke my ankle she made me crawl, in plaster so I could bring her a cup of tea (couldn't balance cup and crutches)

@Hkyvvse

Can I ask...he’s ruined Christmas, who do they spend Christmas with? I’m not sure your mum sounds like a jolly person to be around so who do they usually spend it with?

For the last 2 years they have spent it alone, but I think my sister popped in for half an hour last year. Last year we were meant to visit but we got norovirus so stayed home (fun times). My mum thinks she is full of the joy if xmas but every xmas ends the same way, she gets annoyed about something and spends the afternoon passive aggressively stomping around. The last time we were there for xmas she didnt like the present my sister bought her so she threw it in the bin on xmas day.

@QueenPaws

It's like reading my life I didn't realise how many people would be shocked reading the OP. My mum hasn't (in the past decade maybe) cooked anything, done a single piece of housework/washed up/put laundry on, or even got her own glass of water or drink My dad does everything After I broke my ankle she made me crawl, in plaster so I could bring her a cup of tea (couldn't balance cup and crutches)

You crawled with a cup of tea in your hand? How old were you?

I’m stunned at such cruelty.

@QueenPaws sadly it becomes your norm doesnt it? Took me a long time to realise that most mums don't get waited on constantly.

but why did you do that QueenofPaws.

So this is less about your fathers illness and more about you mother being a self obsessed selfish cow?

Poor man.

I take it he wont leave her? Which imo he should. So I am glad that there are some good practical suggestions on here that are better than my "bring your dad to live with you and let the bitch sink".

@AcornAutumn 17. I told her I couldn't carry it (weird layout so down a short hall and 5 steps) but she wouldn't come and get it and told me I needed to bring it to her
If I had refused it would have caused shouting/tears etc etc. Or silence, that's another one. When you walk in and say morning and get blanked for no reason
She's also never hugged me, said she loves me or comforted me in any way. I was also forced into a termination by blackmail. I've been pretty much NC since then as I can't forgive

I don't understand people like your mum, so won't offer any advice. But I would like to congratulate you, OP, for understanding what is important and concentrating on it.

Its massively about my dads illness but it's not as simple as bringing him to live with me sadly. 1 I have to get him to agree to that. 2. We live 300 miles apart and 3. I have 2 kids under 5, a job etc. Normally my mums selfishness doesn't effect me much anymore but in this instance I can't let her selfishness affect my dads health.

@alexdgr8 because it was normal
Because otherwise you get ignored, shouted at, told you're selfish, your life made a misery for weeks on end. It's normal to me to have a mother who blanks you for days

@Ginnymweasley he would probably really enjoy coming to stay with you if you can arrange it, even for a short time to get a break peace and quiet

I hope your uncle can help, please put the cats into a cattery too in case she just doesn’t give them food or water. There’s some really nice ones out there.

@QueenPaws the silence. God the silence is the worst. It's somehow much harder to cope with than the yelling.

It will be difficult, OP, but when would you plan to have a chat with your father about his longer-term needs. This might make it clear he will be on his own wrt to your DM so will he plan bought in care, relocation or ??

Hope the surgery goes well and he is mobile quickly.

Hi @Ginnymweasley I saw you on the other thread about my mother. You mother sounds very similar to mine, even down to the caring (or not) for my father. I really empathise. All I can say is that we contacted outside agencies, charities and local authority and they ended up coming round and offering help. Despite my mother calling them snowflakes, they still managed to get some provision locked in.

I do feel for you and I know it's impossible to deal with mothers like this.

Those hobbies of hers would be destroyed/curtailed if she was my parent. Hit her where it hurts.