Mum refusing to care for dad after surgery

[Ginnymweasley]

My dad recently got diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is going to have surgery followed by radiotherapy sometime in the next 5 weeks (hopefully). We were discussing what would happen when he leaves hospital after the surgery. The dr has told him he will have a catheter for a couple of weeks and will probably feel tired and in pain as well (obviously). He is fairly fit but he has epilepsy as well and obviously no one knows how fast he will recover from surgery.
My mum has now said that she won't be bringing him food upstairs as she won't be able to manage. She won't be helping him out with his catheter or anything. My parents are only in their 60s so not old. And she is quite capable of carrying him a plate of food upstairs. She has said she won't be able to look after the cats, do the shopping etc.
I'm really angry with her cause now my dad is more stressed. Everyday he makes her breakfast in bed, makes all her drinks and cooks 5 days out of 7. He looks after their pets, is in charge of all the finances and does a lot of the household jobs. And she is refusing to do it for a week after he has cancer surgery.
I would offer to go help but I live 300 miles away and would have to arrange childcare etc. I will do it if it's possible but it might not be if we get short notice for the surgery.
Is there anyone that could help provide general help for him in regards to food etc. I just don't know how to help him.

Could he be discharged straight to your house? If not, is there a downstairs room for him? Will continuing care from N.H.S. cover any visits at all?

The relationship is troubling. Sounds as if he would tend her round the clock for years, if she became disabled in later years. Sounds as if she would/will, leave him to die rather than lift a finger if he is too ill to be her servant even for a week.

OP: it sounds like your mum needs to be told some home truth. She is being completely unreasonable.

Your poor Dad. I'd also be happy to help if they are anywhere near me (SW Surrey) but I wouldn't promise to be tactful in dealing with your mother).

As others have suggested it sounds like it would make sense to have him sleeping downstairs. For food, I'd buy in lots of Cook ready meals.

@IamBear

What type of catheter will it be? Because if it's an in and outie one they are quite easy to do yourself (no need for help), if it's one with the bag attached, they are also simple - my advice would be get someone to explain to him prior to the surgery because learning all this after surgery when groggy is a pain in the freaking ass and in my experience it was one hour of me doing stuff on my own (ie, nothing) and then I was sent home.

Your mum may just be testing the waters to see who else will come and help - she will have to do things if he cannot, or she will have to arrange help, because otherwise that's neglect.

It will be a long term catheter. The anastomotic sutures that join the two ends of the urethra need time to heal.

"God no she will tell them that she is happy to help only to refuse to do it once they have left."

Then surely he can't be discharged to her?

I have no idea if she would actually refuse to feed him but that is what she is threatening. She states she can't be expected to wait on him as it would be too difficult for her. She does have history of point blank refusing to help. She ignored my birthday this year, my sister who lives abroad has recently been in hospital and she is yet to ring her to see if she is ok. I think what will actually happen is she will do the bare minimum for a day or so and then expect my dad to go back to normal.

I've read some shockers on MN over the years but your mum is something else. What a vile, horrible piece of work she is. Your poor dad. Please try to persuade him to be discharged into your care. I'm sure that could be arranged if you explained the situation to the hospital. What she's threatening is neglect and cruelty and everything you've said about her suggests she really will follow through with it.

"I think what will actually happen is she will do the bare minimum for a day or so and then expect my dad to go back to normal."

And it sounds as if he would try-obviously to his own detriment.

Isn't it a risk that can't be taken?

He would definitely try to do everything. I have spoken to my uncle who lives closer than me. He has offered to have my dad stay with him. My dad might agree to this more readily than other things. My uncle also doesnt generally take anyones shit so I'm hoping he will talk some sense into my dad. (My dad hadn't told my uncle that my mum was doing this).

My DH had surgery for prostate cancer and came home after several days in hospital. He had a large crescent shaped scar in his lower abdomen with big staples in it and he also had a urine catheter with a bag which resided in a bucket at the side of the bed.

I had to do everything for him - bring him food, drinks and painkillers, help him to the toilet, help him to wash, empty the bag, etc.

Things gradually got easier when the catheter was removed and the stitches were taken out - a week to ten days later. I understand some prostate operations are done by key hole surgery now and recovery is faster.

I can’t believe how brazenly selfish your mother is. You will really have to spell it out to her how much help he will need - it is her duty as a wife, especially as he has been so kind to her over the years. If she won’t step up you will need to help your poor dad to make other arrangements.

poor man hes only asking for a week does make you think what would happen if he was bed bound

Can you get a social care assessment carried out for him? Contact their local council social work dept. They will assess him, and also what other help anyone else in the house can provide.

The uncle solution sounds good.

I mean there's stuff like you said with birthdays and being an arse but not actually feeding someone who is bed bound is a totally different matter.

I have known one or two people like that.

We knew someone who, when her husband became ill, discarded him into a care home.

I think at least he should look at his will, and the ownership of the house and his savings, so he does not find himseld dispossessed and abandoned. Hopefully he will be recovered in a month or two and will reconsider his life choices.

Op I think you sound like you have a complicated relationship with your parents

It stood out to me that you were advising your dad to divorce your mum for years and so I’m not surprised she has forgotten your birthday. It sounds like from both sides the relationship is gone.

Could you get someone neutral to speak to your mum? Instead of u?

Good compromise to stay with uncle for a few days until catheter is removed and then come and heal with you. He then needs to plan to divorce your mother - what an absolute bitch.

Your dad sounds like he is in a trauma bond with your mum if she genuinely offers nothing to the relationship aside from making him feel worthless.

But I think relationships are complicated and there might be stuff between them that you don’t know and so I would be disappointed but I wouldn’t demonise one parent and elevate the other as behind the scenes could be a totally different story

That sounds brilliant, if your uncle can have your dad to stay.
I hope that works out.

I would leave them to it. They are adults and both able to sort out how they run their household. I very much doubt she would actually leave him to starve or dehydrate upstairs. I wouldn't interfere at all.

Had a similar situation (but worse, as Dad was bed bound) with my parents, OP, and I also lived 100s of miles away from them, working FT , useless / absent siblings etc. It was a shitshow. I'm also a social worker for my sins so know how it all works, how to access services, how to deal with families in crisis etc, not that it made it any easier. I'm sorry you and your Dad are in this situation. Even if not surprising, it's incredibly painful to come to the realisation that this is how your Mum is when your Dad's at his most vulnerable - not everyone is 'nice' or interested in looking after other people or understands reciprocity or can deal with responsibility I suppose. It's hard having the nature of your parents' relationship exposed like this too. It's shit.

Ask your Dad if you can contact his specialist nurse at the hospital (there should be one attached to his consultant's clinic) - explain your concerns about the home situation. Tell them your Mum won't give an accurate account of what she will support with and won't reliably do what she says she will. Explain you're worried about how this might impact on his post-surgical recovery and radiotherapy to them. Make sure they're aware of the layout of the house. Contact Adults' Services and ask for information and advice about the support that could be available to him locally.

When he's admitted, make a nuisance of yourself - call the ward, call the discharge co-ordinators and tell them all that stuff again. And have a contingency plan in place to drop everything and go there yourself to look after him - so maybe start looking into your childcare options now. You might also want to bear that in mind as you might not want carers in and out to your Dad with the Covid thing still going on. That's what I ended up doing for a short period and, although it was through gritted-to-stubs teeth running around like a blue-arsed fly while my perfectly capable but constitutionally unwilling mother was swanning about doing naff all, I'll never regret that I went there to help my Dad when he needed me.

Oh, and don't waste your energy getting into it with your Mum - if anything like mine, it made no difference. If anything, she downed tools further when challenged and took it out on Dad. Love to you and Dad OP xx

@Temporary1234

Op I think you sound like you have a complicated relationship with your parents

It stood out to me that you were advising your dad to divorce your mum for years and so I’m not surprised she has forgotten your birthday. It sounds like from both sides the relationship is gone.

Could you get someone neutral to speak to your mum? Instead of u?

My mum doesn't know I have been advising my dad to divorce her. Honestly my mum does not think she ever does anything wrong. I have a civil relationship with my mum, we are not close but we don't argue etc. There is no one to talk to her, she has no friends left and my sisters have a worse relationship with her than I do. My relationship with my dad is good, we get on well. He is obv not perfect but he is not a bad person. Most of the time our relationship is seperate from mine with my mum. If that makes sense.

Have your dad with you and let the selfish mate look after herself for 5 mins !!

@Ginnymweasley

He would definitely try to do everything. I have spoken to my uncle who lives closer than me. He has offered to have my dad stay with him. My dad might agree to this more readily than other things. My uncle also doesnt generally take anyones shit so I'm hoping he will talk some sense into my dad. (My dad hadn't told my uncle that my mum was doing this).

That sounds like a good plan.

Your poor poor father. To have a wife that won’t care for him after cancer surgery because she can’t be arsed. That’s got to cut deep.

@ChotaPeg thanks. That sounds exactly like my mum. It's really hard to explain to people as most people don't think someone would act like that to their spouse. She has sunk to a new low which has shocked me I have to admit

Discharge rules have changed for now for covid so not necessarily social workers in the hospital anymore...depends on how the rules have been implemented in a particular area.

Anyone being discharged from hospital can currently get NHS funded care (at home or care home) for up to 6 weeks while they are assessed. There is no charge for this. Let the ward know as soon as he admitted that he may need some short term care at home on discharge. The ward team will consider with your father whether he needs some care on discharge following his surgery and set it up as well as any equipment needed. If he needs it a bit longer than a few days a social worker or OT will contact to do an assessment of his care and support needs.