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Original poster

Mum refusing to care for dad after surgery

204 replies

Ginnymweasley · 26/11/2020 17:00

My dad recently got diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is going to have surgery followed by radiotherapy sometime in the next 5 weeks (hopefully). We were discussing what would happen when he leaves hospital after the surgery. The dr has told him he will have a catheter for a couple of weeks and will probably feel tired and in pain as well (obviously). He is fairly fit but he has epilepsy as well and obviously no one knows how fast he will recover from surgery.
My mum has now said that she won't be bringing him food upstairs as she won't be able to manage. She won't be helping him out with his catheter or anything. My parents are only in their 60s so not old. And she is quite capable of carrying him a plate of food upstairs. She has said she won't be able to look after the cats, do the shopping etc.
I'm really angry with her cause now my dad is more stressed. Everyday he makes her breakfast in bed, makes all her drinks and cooks 5 days out of 7. He looks after their pets, is in charge of all the finances and does a lot of the household jobs. And she is refusing to do it for a week after he has cancer surgery.
I would offer to go help but I live 300 miles away and would have to arrange childcare etc. I will do it if it's possible but it might not be if we get short notice for the surgery.
Is there anyone that could help provide general help for him in regards to food etc. I just don't know how to help him.

OP posts:
saraclara · 26/11/2020 17:32

It would be entirely unfair to contact local voluntary groups for help, when your mum is probably more able than some of the volunteers (who tend to be retired).

Mum is going to have to cough up for paid care and prepared meals. Embarrassing all round though.

ApolloandDaphne · 26/11/2020 17:34

@BlueThistles

Phone Social Services and ask for assistance OP. I do hope your poor Dad gets help and care. Flowers

Your Mother has shown everyone who she is... vile and selfish..

Goo d luck with the care of your Dad OP..

I would doubt SS will give any assistance. They will have to pay for private carers if that is the route they want to go down. It is likely to be quite expensive and also increases exposure to COVID which is something a person with cancer would want to avoid.
MrsTwitcher · 26/11/2020 17:34

I would suggest he asks for a care needs assessment when he is in hospital. Basically he lives on his own and will need help.

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Straysocks · 26/11/2020 17:35

It would be the Adult Social Care part of their local authority that could put some temporary carers in place. I think this does happen more than one might expect, that one partner backs away when care needs arise. I've heard that Home Instead & Prestige are both good private providers if they are in a position to buy in help. It does not sound like your Mum will change, perhaps just keep repeating to her that as Dad is so unwell he has to come first. It doesn't sound like your feelings will change her response. It must be really hard for you being so far from him. Are you able to talk to him directly?

lagerandblack · 26/11/2020 17:40

Who looked after your Mum when she had her knee done?

Undies1990 · 26/11/2020 17:42

Your mum should be ashamed of herself. This is heartbreaking for you and your dad. I think the cats should go into a cattery and arrange a paid carer three times a day for your poor dad.

Seriously, your mum is a horrible selfish woman.

Poppystars · 26/11/2020 17:43

So they have money? Can he pay for a week of support? For Carter’s to come? My parent who was alone paid for careers four times a day, after a week in a private care home.

BlueThistles · 26/11/2020 17:44

I would doubt SS will give any assistance.

Social Services will be able to assist in providing the names of Care companies.

These Care companies have kept the nation going right through Covid, and know what is required.

it's better than leaving him at the mercy of his Wife

Ellapaella · 26/11/2020 17:46

Could your Dad perhaps ask for his care to be transferred to a hospital near you so you can look after him for a bit afterwards?
When my Mum had her hip replacement she had it done in my local hospital (she lives 300 miles away) so that she could come and stay with me afterwards and I could help her.

MrsTwitcher · 26/11/2020 17:46

Would the Macmillan team be able to offer any advice. His gp could ask if he will have any help at home and he could tell them the situation.

Nightowlsleeps · 26/11/2020 17:47

Could you arrange for your dad to come to you for a week and put the cat in the cattery. Leave your mum at home and then drive your dad back after a week.

I might decide that I couldn’t cope with your mum as well 🙂

bearandowl · 26/11/2020 17:48

You mum sounds selfish - especially considering all your dad does for her.
I were him, after this, I would not be running around doing so much for her

Original poster
Ginnymweasley · 26/11/2020 17:49

My dad looked after my mum after her operation. I speak to my dad everyday, we have a really good relationship away from my mum. I've suggested private carers, my dad is going to think about it and look at money etc.

OP posts:
mumwon · 26/11/2020 17:49

re the catheter the hospital will show him how to deal with it It will be in situ so he wont have to take it out just keep the area clean
He should (!!!) have a visit from the district nurse (at the moment???) who he can tell about the lack of help from your (selfish cow) mum in fact you might be able to contact the district nurse & ask her advice
Dh had this a few years back -is there a stand alone shower at home? that would be helpful for him with both conditions. as pp has said is there a bathroom/shower down stairs?
I really don't get people who won't help live in family -
(Dh is waiting on lazy me at the moment he is cooking dinner - curry tonight folks!! I hope that will give you some positive thoughts on your DDad)

Guineapigbridge · 26/11/2020 17:49

Their other option is to pay someone. I'd stay out of it OP, don't get involved.

Chloemol · 26/11/2020 17:49

Not being funny but could your father come and stay with you? Cats into cattery and leave your mum to it

Applesonthelawn · 26/11/2020 17:49

Paid carer, but I'd rub it in with her that it is inviting Covid risk into their home needlessly. I really doubt NHS will cover care when there is a perfectly able bodied but lazy wife at home. She really sounds awful but it's come this far so what else can you do but get a carer? She's not suddenly going to see the light, is she?

Runmybathforme · 26/11/2020 17:50

@MrsTwitcher

Poor man. If she refuses to help then the hospital social worker and discharge co ordinator need to be told. Maybe they can arrange carers to come in or for him and the district nurses to monitor his catheter and pain control. They could move his bed downstairs but he will still need to rest and mum needs to start helping around the house. Why doesnt she do anything.
District nurses will not ‘ monitor ‘ his catheter care as such. If the patient is housebound they will deal with any problems, and change the catheter every three months, or as required. Day to day care is the responsibility of the patient, family or carers. OP, how is your DF going to manage with the radiotherapy ? Will he be able to get to the hospital every day ? Towards the end of the treatment he’ll be extremely tired, and may suffer other side effects. Poor DF will need someone to care for him.
Guineapigbridge · 26/11/2020 17:51

Some people just aren't carers. They can't think outside themselves. People's brains are wired differently.

JacobReesMogadishu · 26/11/2020 17:51

Wow. Could he come and stay with you for a week? Your mum sounds very selfish.

FelicityBeedle · 26/11/2020 17:51

Is there a downstairs loo? Could he live downstairs for a time after surgery? Not ideal obviously but as your mum won’t cooperate

Inkpaperstars · 26/11/2020 17:52

Your mum is a disgrace, I am so sorry you have had to put up with and deal with her. She is more than capable of helping but too selfish and lazy, and her actions will put your DF at riak if outside carers have to come in.

I have never heard anything like it. Could your DF come to you afterwards? I would be looking at convincing him never to return to living with your DM after he recovers from the OP. Why should she expect to receive any support from him or any of you?

IamBear · 26/11/2020 17:53

What type of catheter will it be? Because if it's an in and outie one they are quite easy to do yourself (no need for help), if it's one with the bag attached, they are also simple - my advice would be get someone to explain to him prior to the surgery because learning all this after surgery when groggy is a pain in the freaking ass and in my experience it was one hour of me doing stuff on my own (ie, nothing) and then I was sent home.

Your mum may just be testing the waters to see who else will come and help - she will have to do things if he cannot, or she will have to arrange help, because otherwise that's neglect.

AcornAutumn · 26/11/2020 17:54

@JacobReesMogadishu

Wow. Could he come and stay with you for a week? Your mum sounds very selfish.
I’m wondering this too

What is your mum planning to do for herself re cooking etc?

I think if he’s out of the house she might realise how awful she is.

Going past the surgery, would he consider getting a divorce? Or at least moving out?

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 26/11/2020 17:57

Could he come and live with you for a bit? Perhaps have the hospital treatment transferred to your local hospital and then bring him home to yours?

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