Mum refusing to care for dad after surgery

[Ginnymweasley]

My dad recently got diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is going to have surgery followed by radiotherapy sometime in the next 5 weeks (hopefully). We were discussing what would happen when he leaves hospital after the surgery. The dr has told him he will have a catheter for a couple of weeks and will probably feel tired and in pain as well (obviously). He is fairly fit but he has epilepsy as well and obviously no one knows how fast he will recover from surgery.
My mum has now said that she won't be bringing him food upstairs as she won't be able to manage. She won't be helping him out with his catheter or anything. My parents are only in their 60s so not old. And she is quite capable of carrying him a plate of food upstairs. She has said she won't be able to look after the cats, do the shopping etc.
I'm really angry with her cause now my dad is more stressed. Everyday he makes her breakfast in bed, makes all her drinks and cooks 5 days out of 7. He looks after their pets, is in charge of all the finances and does a lot of the household jobs. And she is refusing to do it for a week after he has cancer surgery.
I would offer to go help but I live 300 miles away and would have to arrange childcare etc. I will do it if it's possible but it might not be if we get short notice for the surgery.
Is there anyone that could help provide general help for him in regards to food etc. I just don't know how to help him.

Your poor dad.
Your mum really ought to be ashamed of himself.
That doesn't help though, it seems sensible to look at paid carers for your dad and the mother will just have to fend for herself for a while.

@Coronawireless

If I was writing a novel (which I am) about a narcissist (tempted now!) I would put your mum in it. Must have been a tricky childhood but you seem to have come out of it fairly sane. Did your DF enable this? The “men love bitches” kind of dynamic? I don’t intend to sound nasty. I’m genuinely interested in this blatantly appalling behaviour. How do people get away with it! Yet they do - my aunt is like this and so is my friend’s mum. Both adored by their husbands even though they wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire 🤷‍♀️

I’m also speechless, except there have been some women like this in my family ( fortunately for me not my mother) unbelievably cold, entitled and neurotic, everything handed to them on a platter by their husbands who wouldn’t brook any criticism of them whatsoever.

If I was you I’d take a trip to see my mum and tell her a few home truths. She’s an utter selfish cow and deserves to be a lonely old bag.

I’m disabled and have had loads of operations. DH and my kids have pitched in at times. None of them have whinged, well if they have I’ve not heard. Last time I had surgery my bladder was torn and I needed a catheter for 4 weeks. DH used to quietly empty the bag in the morning before he went to work so I could sleep longer. Even DS2 helped out, but he was waiting to start his nurses training at the time so isn’t squeamish.

Your poor dad doesn’t need this worry on top of everything else. I do hope you manage to sort something out.

So sorry for your Dad. People do manage on their own with worse. Easier on your own than with a spiteful spouse. Microwave,television ,kettle & phone in the bedroom. Mini fridge although they don't hold very much. Keep food, catfood & tin opener upstairs too. Disposable plates and cutlery. Bin bags.Online grocery shopping. Takeaway food from places that deliver. I know someone who lowered a basket down from their bedroom window to collect a
hot meal at lunch every day ! As another poster mentioned,it is not that uncommon for family members to refuse care. Perhaps they or at least Dad should be considering sheltered housing for the long term.

Sorry Op but your Mum sounds like an absolute cow. Is it at all possible to have him stay with you and leave her to cope on her own?

I'd estimate the cost of carers paid for privately. Tell your Mum that will be the cost if she refuses to help. That might make her change her mind. I don't think he will qualify for free carers. Even if you live alone it is usually means tested.

the catheter will stay in place for 6 weeks ( if my memory is correct) they will than remove it & at that appointment he will/should be able to pass urine - sometimes men can't or they leak badly - than they may be given some catheters to self catheterize each day (they get shown how to do this)
From memory there is a period of recovery before radiotherapy
Radiotherapy is not that harsh it can get tiring towards the end but many people manage to work & have it with a few days off towards the end of treatment (accumulative affect) He should be able to look after himself during that - the biggest issue with it is that it is done daily so he will have to go to whatever hospital provides it (often not the same as the one that does the operation)
I would suggest contacting the Prostate Cancer UK charity they give advice & they might be able to suggest alternatives
Many charities will provide transport even if he is not entitled to NHS transport (I doubt he will be entitled you have to be virtually immobile) the Charities most probably will charge just the expenses rather than anything like taxi fare - local gps or the hospital or even PALS might be able to help or advise. I would look upon the web (check the council website they might have links to charities that might help with care or know who to go to -links help in support.

She sounds dreadful!! Your Poor Dad and poor you. It actually sounds like she is abussive.
Perhaps you could call the social worker on the ward when he is admitted and explain.

If there is a friendly church nearby I’d be inclined to contact the vicar and explain your dad’s predicament, with your mum refusing to help him, and see if they can offer any support or local community contacts.

Local churches have been brilliant over Covid.

From SS POV neither if your parents are that old and your mum is perfectly capable of caring for your dad she just refuses. Social care is stretched very thin and I think it would tricky to get any significant help.

As well as FB, your dad should also join NextDoor.co.uk and put a shout out for any volunteers.

@Icanflyhigh

Your poor dad. Your mum really ought to be ashamed of himself. That doesn't help though, it seems sensible to look at paid carers for your dad and the mother will just have to fend for herself for a while.

She can fend for herself forever.

@TatianaBis

If there is a friendly church nearby I’d be inclined to contact the vicar and explain your dad’s predicament, with your mum refusing to help him, and see if they can offer any support or local community contacts.

Local churches have been brilliant over Covid.

From SS POV neither if your parents are that old and your mum is perfectly capable of caring for your dad she just refuses. Social care is stretched very thin and I think it would tricky to get any significant help.

I’m sorry but why should the church be approached?

Pastoral care is already stretched and isn’t there to pick up the slack when lazy shitty spouses can’t be arsed.

I’m sorry but why should the church be approached?

Pastoral care is already stretched and isn’t there to pick up the slack when lazy shitty spouses can’t be arsed.

Because, while I’m an atheist, I have to say that local churches are pretty amazing at organising help for the vulnerable.

I don’t see why OP’s dad isn’t deserving of help just because his wife’s and arsehole.

Absolutely awful that your able bodied Mother can't be bothered to show care for your Dad, (and not the cats either, good grief) I hope that you can sort out some care help for your Dad , for as long as he needs it.

Would your Mother just be sitting down stairs, eating her own food, and your Dad upstairs with nothing to eat or drink? the mind boggles !

Because, while I’m an atheist, I have to say that local churches are pretty amazing at organising help for the vulnerable.

Of course they are. And they’re incredibly busy trying to help all the incredibly vulnerable older population through this pandemic who are on their own. They really are stretched. There is a perfectly capable adult in this situation who needs to step up.

i cared, unpaid, for a decade, for family members.
if your dad lives anywhere near nw metropolis, i'd be able and willing to come help him, for free.

he needs little care really. it would be easy for me. i was doing total 24/7 care for very disabled bed-bound person.
your poor dad has been subjected to co-ercive control, and is under FOG, fear, obligation, guilt, which is stopping him from getting out of the situation.

tell him to read up fay wheldon's recent experience. it's never too late to break free. she was also helped by nhs hosp stay.
send your dad link to, i want to break free by queen.
could the cats be re-homed. it might worry you dad thinking wondering if they are being cared for. and on-going.
try get him down near you.
hospital social worker and OT should help plan safe discharge. are there any community hosps where he could go for a week's re-hab.
is he in hosp yet. can you talk to them, explain situation.
don't butter it up. he needs, deserves to be safe in his surroundings. all the best to you and your dad.

@TatianaBis

I’m sorry but why should the church be approached?

Pastoral care is already stretched and isn’t there to pick up the slack when lazy shitty spouses can’t be arsed.

Because, while I’m an atheist, I have to say that local churches are pretty amazing at organising help for the vulnerable.

I don’t see why OP’s dad isn’t deserving of help just because his wife’s and arsehole.

My local church would certainly help

Not particularly over stretched even now. I hold my hands up and say I’m not helping because I don’t want to risk isolation with my elderly mother needing me, but generally if we got that request and were told “spouse won’t help” we’d be happy to do it.

Whoever needs help needs help. I admit if I was despatched to this house, I’d not converse with the unhelpful spouse unless need be.

I live in a block of flats and the area is dominated by flats. This might mean the load on the church is lower as they are less likely to be called on.

Pretty sure local temple etc would help too.

I’m an atheist too btw. I just like the church as community support and they used to have the homeless overnight, which is how I got to volunteering there.

I am heartbroken for your poor Dad, this is honestly one of the worst things I have ever heard. I think it would be worth discussing divorce again when he is feeling stronger and moving him away from your mother. I have seen some dreadful behaviour in my time from selfish entitled people, but not one of them would have treated a family member like this.

If at all possible go and stay for a few days as she sounds as though she would be very unkind if left alone with him even if others went in to provide care.

Can he afford to pay for a week or two in respite care ? There are some amazing facilities available, where he could be truly looked after, aid his recovery and have a mini break with good company, good food in lovely surroundings.

Is he in touch with his specialist urology nurse? He needs to chat his worries through with them. If he's not met her yet, the consultant's secretary should be able to give you a phone number or email contact.
He should see a physio post op who will be able to tell him exactly what he can / can't do as regards exercise / moving / stairs.
Is he having a RALP? (Robotic assisted) - really quick recovery from the surgery (admittedly internal healing still takes a while, but surface wounds heal fast so he should be out of hospital a few days earlier than if he had an open procedure), and he will return at around 2 weeks postop for catheter removal.

If it's true that she would not give him food (or drink?) for a week when he's not in a state to get it himself then that's past a bit selfish.

Thing is as she has hasn't done it yet it's not abusive iyswim. Lots of advice on here but seriously letting someone out of hosp starve is next level stuff.

Stannah will allow you to hire a stair lift - or they did a few years ago.
You can "rent" on for a few months (inc fitting)
That would mostly solve his mobility (stairs) problem.

Good luck OP.
My mum was your mums double. She changed her clothes and put on make-up and jewellery before dialling 999 for my Dad who was having a heart attack (and already had prostate cancer & end stage renal failure)

Yep. I volunteer for the local neighbourhood support group. I'll admit I would struggle with being asked to give up my time to support someone with a perfectly capable and fit spouse. I'd probably agree for the man's sake, but only if there was no-one else to do it.

I'd find it extremely weird to care for this man while his wife looked on. And if I was asked to cook her meal, I'd say no.

@saraclara

Yep. I volunteer for the local neighbourhood support group. I'll admit I would struggle with being asked to give up my time to support someone with a perfectly capable and fit spouse. I'd probably agree for the man's sake, but only if there was no-one else to do it.

I'd find it extremely weird to care for this man while his wife looked on. And if I was asked to cook her meal, I'd say no.

This is my point.

I have very close links to the church. I know how busy and stretched pastoral care services are.

www.stannah.co.uk/our-stairlifts/stairlift-pricing/renting-a-stairlift/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=CD%20-%20Stairlifts%20-%20Brand%20-%20Search%20-%20RoUK&infinity=ict2~net~gaw~ar~405469041835~kw~stannah%20stairlift%20rental~mt~e~cmp~CD%20-%20Stairlifts%20-%20Brand%20-%20Search%20-%20RoUK~ag~_Stannah%20Stairlifts%20Rental&gclid=Cj0KCQiAwf39BRCCARIsALXWETyVlmmsk-RlfbV7XBN9e8Bo2PIMVdurtxsHNZXOX1eEHA9oh3BavGQaAnvWEALw_wcB

Sorry for the long clicky link - but you basically rent the stairlift for as long as you need it then get it removed.