Anyone else never had financial help from parents for house deposits etc?

[sausagedoglove]

I get so down when I read about all the people on MN, and friends IRL who have had the Bank of Mum and Dad help them out with house deposits or early inheritance, or even inheritance from grandparents to help pay down debt or upgrade their car etc.

I've had nothing and I've been told to expect nothing. My parents are well off, their house is paid off and currently undergoing extensive renovations all paid for in cash (over £100k), three investment properties (with mortgages) which is the income they'll be relying on when they retire in a few years, plus income from share portfolio.

It's their money, they can do what they want, but I do feel a bit down about it all.

My parents were very much "children are to be seen not heard" kind of people, and any money I come in to should be earned on my own. That's all fine, but the cost of housing in this country is crippling and they just don't get it. I'll be renting for the rest of my life and without capital I can't really grow my wealth much.

Anyone else?

It is difficult not to be envious.
One of my very good friends had it super easy as her parents paid 50% towards her first property in the late 90s and then did it up for her! It has stood her in really good stead.
She has never worked full time and has a lot of nice things because of that significant leg up.
I am a single mum and had to do it all myself. It's been hard work but I am proud of my achievements.

I had never had financial help from parents. I wouldn't have wanted it either either from parents or the bank. I brought last year as a FTB for cash and now have a lovely 2 bed semi with garden. My parents were encouraging me to buy bigger take additional money from them or the bank but I won't do it. Firstly the money would be small compared to my deposit and I didn't want to feel as if I owed them anything or loose any of my independence. I was also brought up to save for everything so have carried this into adulthood only student loan was the only thing I have ever not paid cash for.

So you can always see it as a blessing not getting money. My parents earned theirs and I would want to see them use it. I also know my financial position what I can actually afford to buy and run as a home. And the feeling of having done it all by myself is very good.

Both of my sisters had financial help to buy their first homes. They have said they can't help all of us so I am left renting and unable to save. Apparently I am being petty to complain about this .

Not a penny from my extremely well off parents. They paid for school fees, university and my wedding. I don’t have a problem with that. I will eventually inherit a lot of money and I know if I need money they will be there. They are not leaving anything to the grandchildren, it all goes to the children. I will also inherit my late husbands share of his parents money which I will give to my children as a deposit.

I had no help from my parents as I'm the youngest of 4 and they don't have a lot of money. They help me out in other ways though. Driving lesson, cars and all the stuff that comes with cars, my house etc all bought and paid for by me.

Not getting help is not simply an inconvenience that makes it a bit harder to get on in life. It’s literally make or break when it comes to buying a house. I saved for over a decade after leaving university and still only managed to buy a house when a relative died and left £60k.

Not a penny from my extremely well off parents. They paid for school fees, university and my wedding

Apart from the wedding I think it’s this mindset that is baffling from the other side. Your parents paying for your education has indirectly enabled you to be successfully independent and buy a house. That’s far from ‘not getting a penny’ in my experience.

It sounds incredibly harsh and I do feel if you deicide to bring children into this world, help them out.

This generation of dependant adults reliant on the bank of mum and dad to live beyond their own means are going to get a shock when their own children expect to receive deposits from them.

I had no help from anyone, and as a result the only thing I could afford to buy is a small 1 bedroom flat, which has now become unsellable due to some of the ongoing issues with the building. I’m currently pursuing a 2nd and 3rd job in the hopes that I can make enough money to eventually move to a small house, but I don’t think that will ever happen.

I grew up in Canada, and almost all of my friends were gifted condos as university graduation gifts, which they were able to sell for 3-4 times the buying price in less than ten years and now most of them live in (multi) million dollar houses. I can’t imagine how different my life would be if I knew I never had to worry about mortgage payments, and sat on millions of dollars of equity.

A lot of my colleagues here in the UK have been gifted very large deposits from their parents (500-750k). I have never (and will never) have anyone visit my flat, because I’m so embarrassed by it. It’s hard not to be envious sometimes (or a lot of the time lol).

Nope, nothing offered but I have a strong unconfirmed suspicion other people have had help but they don’t know just how much they get slagged off so the jokes on them.

Some people are in abusive relationships with their own kids.

My gm did everything for her dd, private schools, ponies, wrap around childcare with full housekeeping services and cooking. When she got older she signed the house over and that’s when the physical abuse started. Aunt converted the garage into a granny flat and took over the house. We tried to get her to go to the police but she wanted dad to wave a magic wand and it would all go away. Dad walked away in the end.

Familiarity bred contempt in the end 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nope, never had any financial help (in fact we've had to help our parents on both sides) no help with childcare either.

We had an interest only mortgage (when they were still available) until we stopped paying for childcare. We still have 24 years to go (changed mortgage and best deal was a 25 year deal again) but plan to over pay and maybe pay it off in 15 years. I'm 43 now.

Still paying for wraparound childcare. Have easily spent £70,000 on childcare since 2007.

I don't think inheritances on death count as "financial help" have had one but that was subsumed with grief and family complications and legal matters. It was a small inheritance - wouldn't buy a brand new car for example.

My half sister (different Mum and Grandparents) has had a different life. Private schooling and massive inheritances (twice, will get a third on the death of her Mum) - I'm pleased for her though as she has many health challenges and low earning potential.

I try not to worry/think/care about what other's experience. All DH and I can do is our best.

This generation of dependant adults reliant on the bank of mum and dad to live beyond their own means are going to get a shock when their own children expect to receive deposits from them.

No, they will have the ability to empathise. My DM, who was handed a council house at 18, then given the opportunity to buy it for a ridiculous discount, and then inherited more properties from her husband just had no concept of not being able to afford a home. Anything I inherit, if I do will go towards my DC’s deposits, but I doubt I will inherit, even if I am her carer.

This thread is evidence of why we need to drastically change the basis on which we tax... wealth and not income. DH and I have both discussed this and, despite being in the fortunate position of being able to save for DC's future so they will have a substantial amount towards a deposit, we both agree that a wealth tax is going to be the only way going forward to address the substantial inequalities existing in our society. People will be much less reliant on family handouts if they can keep more of what they earn.

Paid for my own driving lessons, paid for our own wedding. Stayed at home during Uni so that I could give my Dad a third of my grant and a third of my earnings from the THREE jobs I had.

It was only by becoming part of an earning couple and taking a few risks that DH and I got anywhere. I'm proud of the fact we've done it alone (like some PPs). Doing what we can to help our DCs though.

Thank you sleep, much appreciated
was this a decision you made whilst grieving and do you regret helping your dm?
It was a decision driven by grief and the desperate guilt that comes with it, and yes I regret it, not least because it didn't solve anything, nothing's ever enough

It’s surprising to hear so many say that you should work to own a house and that’s that.

Do you read the news? Do you understand how renting works and the cost to do so? Do you understand how much is needed for a deposit on a tiny house these days?

I was lucky and had help to buy. If I hadn’t then I did save a lot from a young age and would have maybe bought at a similar age that I did but not in a nice area and a much smaller place.

OP I would feel the same as you. Even 10-15k can massively help and that money is far better in a property than on a cruise or couple of trips to the Maldives. Whatever anyone says about it being your parents’ money, if I had only 10k spare to my name by way of savings, no way would I use that for little luxuries in life instead of helping someone avoid renting for god knows how long.

It is your parents’ money and you acknowledge that. There’s obviously no point dwelling on it but I hear what you’re saying and those who don’t seem to have a limited understanding about the difficulties of home ownership today. My advice would be buy somewhere absolutely tiny as soon as you can, even if it’s not what you want, just to get on the ladder. It’s tough xx

My parents gave me half the cost of my house and I am on balance glad that they did because I have been able to have a secure roof over my kids' heads, but it was not without its cons. My parents confused and still confuse obedience with gratitude. They had got quite angry with me when I did things I had every right to do just because they had already advised against it. They felt I had to take all of their advice or it was a lack of gratitude. They also did something else very hurtful (a couple of things) and when I called them out on that, they interpreted that as a lack of gratitude as well. So I basically was not allowed to make my own decisions or have a boundary (even if my boundary was ''don't hurt me'')

I hope that doesn't sound ungrateful. I would still take the money if I could go back in time but like I say, I had to figure out their expectations and defend my own rights a lot.

My folks have helped immensely with support and friendship. Earlier this year they helped with my weekly shop because dp’s income went entirely through sudden disability. I’ve never expected a penny form them. It’s their money. They’re support is worth so much more than the cash (although I will have to work quite literally til I drop!)

Ps, I would help my kids if I could and maybe I would have some expectations, like, that they stayed within half an hour of me, but if I had that expectation I'd make it clear.

I too am renting by the way- in my 40s and only a lottery win will get me property now.

My mum was a single parent and couldn't help with things like that for us. She would have sold the clothes on her back for us if we'd have let her though, I have no hesitation that if she had had money she'd have been generous. DHs parents gave us 10k from a house sale which was very generous and we remain grateful. The rest we have earnt by working abroad which we don't really like but has earnt us what we needed.

We have had nothing and combined with that we have had to financially support both sets of parents at times as well. It's shit.

Yes and said friends often openly ask us why we still haven't bought a house. Well let me think 🤔

@firesuntea

It’s surprising to hear so many say that you should work to own a house and that’s that.

Do you read the news? Do you understand how renting works and the cost to do so? Do you understand how much is needed for a deposit on a tiny house these days?

I was lucky and had help to buy. If I hadn’t then I did save a lot from a young age and would have maybe bought at a similar age that I did but not in a nice area and a much smaller place.

OP I would feel the same as you. Even 10-15k can massively help and that money is far better in a property than on a cruise or couple of trips to the Maldives. Whatever anyone says about it being your parents’ money, if I had only 10k spare to my name by way of savings, no way would I use that for little luxuries in life instead of helping someone avoid renting for god knows how long.

It is your parents’ money and you acknowledge that. There’s obviously no point dwelling on it but I hear what you’re saying and those who don’t seem to have a limited understanding about the difficulties of home ownership today. My advice would be buy somewhere absolutely tiny as soon as you can, even if it’s not what you want, just to get on the ladder. It’s tough xx

Thank you @firesuntea !

I just love the general comments of work hard and don't buy takeaway coffee.

When I left university I was paying £750 for a ROOM in a London house share. Our rent is now 2.5x that and as a family our income is good but the cost of living in crippling - not sure how we are supposed to work any harder than we are. And I'm not sure any amount of not buying a takeaway coffee will help tbh!

Actually I've just done the maths, if I buy a coffee every weekday for £3, I'd spend £780 a year. How many years will it take me to save a deposit on saving on that little luxury 😬

Maybe one day we'll leave the south east and be able to buy!

@MessAllOver

This thread is evidence of why we need to drastically change the basis on which we tax... wealth and not income. DH and I have both discussed this and, despite being in the fortunate position of being able to save for DC's future so they will have a substantial amount towards a deposit, we both agree that a wealth tax is going to be the only way going forward to address the substantial inequalities existing in our society. People will be much less reliant on family handouts if they can keep more of what they earn.

Yes to this!