Friends seem unhappy about our house move

[blarbed]

We are moving into a bigger house in the village where my children go to school. It has taken me by surprise that people, who are thought were friends, seem disappointed and negative about it. I'm the sort of person who bigs up my friends' achievements, so I find it hard to get my head around this. I'm presuming they are jealous or maybe feel threatened in some way? However, they live in houses similar to the one we are buying, so I don't really get it. Previously we were relatively less well off.

A couple of my friends have been very pleased and excited for us, but a close friend of mine could not hide her disappointment, written all over her face. She had nothing nice to say and instead asked how long our chain was (hoping it might not happen?). Another friend just avoided eye contact with me and did not say a single word for the whole conversation.

Another Mum, who I know more as an acquaintance, and who I will be moving around the corner from, just stepped away from the group, and kept her head down. I thought she had not heard that I'd be moving practically next door, so I mentioned it to her separately - and then her reaction showed she had heard, but did not seem happy about it. She does not know me very well but our sons are in the same year, so surely it's a nice thing that more school friends will be around?

WTF? Is this normal?

@blarbed

If the people you’re moving over the road from are pleased for you then it’s not you/your kids

The others who are rude about it can quite simply be phased out of your life with a bit of luck, go a bit grey rock on them and be cool with them as they don’t want to see you happy so they aren’t friends

You don’t have to be friends with these kinds of people

When someone shows you who she is... listen.

Wow, well he showed what he thought of women there! Sahm = prostitute 😮

@OwlOne

Wow, well he showed what he thought of women there! Sahm = prostitute 😮

Yup... that’s going to affect a friendship for sure!

He actually said that in front of you @OwlOne?

Sorry! @Sara2000!

Yes he did. We used to be friends with him and his partner , we would often have nights out together and have one too many drinks. He said it on one of those nights and I dont think DH heard. I rather stupidly didnt say anything at the time as I was so and then of course the moment had passed. This was quite a few years ago. There was also the time that he tried it on with me. which was the last time we socialised with them. He's fine when sober, but a terrible drunk. The snippy comments to DH are always when he's sober. DH ran up a mountain for charity and he responded with 'why didn't you run up Ben Nevis'. Nevermind that he wouldnt even make it halfway up a hill.

A lesson in life that surprised me was that not everyone will be happy for you when things go well. Some people will be downright envious and will even cold shoulder you. I had this with houses and cars in the past. Just learn to ignore it and consider it a test of who you can genuinely rely on, i.e. the people who you can celebrate good times with and who will provide support through the bad and vice versa. Sorry this has come so hard for you.

From what you have said in a previous post, you’re the outsider coming into their sacred golden circle, and they liked to have a friend from the not so nice part of the town.

This sums it it OP. Based on my experience I recommend that you handle this 'alpha style' rather than being downtrodden. Ignore the ignorers be super confident and, when lockdown has lifted, throw a housewarming party.

I do agree that you should stop talking about your move.

I found from experience that jealous friends are not true friends. I have family and friends that have bigger houses than our house and they probably earn more money than we do as a family. I have never been jealous of them. I am really happy for them.

I vote jealousy. Some people are funny about other people savvy moves and saving, they often call it “luck” when it is anything but. Particularly if you aren’t the type to broadcast your financial strategies and plans, then people don’t realise you’re in a better position that they thought.

People get unsettled when things change and what they deem to be the natural order of things change. Like when l got promoted at work one friend was funny about it, l think she perceived herself as the “more ambitious” one. I vote ignore them, smile and enjoy the new house. Confused why people think you shouldn’t be moving?!?!

@BlueDaysTillChristmas

Do they like your previous status as the ‘poor friend’?

My vote is for this.

Obviously not the same situation but one of my best friends became very off with me a couple of years ago when I lost a lot of weight. We'd always been about the same dress size (both very overweight) and I went from a size 20 to a 12. I was in no way a diet bore but she went out of her way to ignore it and even told me outright that she had muted me on social media because she didn't want to see any photos of me.

I'm just drawing parallels because people can feel comforted by a certain status quo and having people "in their place". You've now bought a house similar to their's and that threatens your "place" as the poorer friend. It's entirely their issue.

@OwlOne

I think that Mums of small children are a group that is a little discombobulated generally. It's a phase in your life where suddenly you HOUSE is visible to all (through your network at the school). Before, your work colleagues mightn't have had a clue what your house was like. It's a phase in your life where shit like that can seem to define you. 2.4 kids, half decent husband who isn't so ugly he'd scare the horses and a NICE HOUSE.

This phase ends. You end up back at work even if you despair you'd ever get back in to the workplace and you realise when your kids are teens that you're only in touch with about three or four of a large bunch of women you used to see all the time.

let it happen.

Good point Owlone.

Quite a few other Mums have driven past out old house and seen the 'sold' sign, then come up to me and asked where I'm moving to. They are not happy with just the village name - they want to know the street and house! Like I said, it's a showy area, and people are very nosey about what you've got.

Thank you for all the feedback! :-)

Just to clarify, I only mentioned my house move once to them! I have not bought it up again - except when the two that were happy have asked me how it's going since.

My closest friend has not mentioned the house at all (!), as if it's not happening.

The lady from around the corner is frosting me out. Totally ignoring me and not saying hello in the mornings this week. I think, as others have said, that she must not like me for some reason, so I will make a mental note and not pursue that friendship further.

The friend who lives in a similar house to my old (current) smaller one will get over it I think. She was debating whether to move at one stage but stayed put and did an extension. Out of the whole class we probably fell into the 'less advantaged' bracket, and perhaps knowing that there are less people in a similar situation now doesn't sit easy on first hearing.

@amusedbush that’s exactly the kind of thing l mean. You did really well to do that but people still get put out by it. I real friend shouldn’t feel like that

[quote EL8888]@amusedbush that’s exactly the kind of thing l mean. You did really well to do that but people still get put out by it. I real friend shouldn’t feel like that[/quote]
I just noticed what you said about people attributing things to "luck" and I totally agree.

I remember another friend told me that I was "so lucky" that I was going on holiday to New York. Well, no, it's not luck. I work bloody hard all year and I make concessions elsewhere in my life in order to afford it. However, I don't broadcast the fact that I get two haircuts a year/only ever buy clothes in the sale/meal plan to save money/buy coffee pods when they're on offer to avoid going to Starbucks, so I suppose to an outsider a New York break can look flashy.

Oh god lol, that’s excruciating. I would say they were jealous but if the women who are backing away are ones who live in similar houses, my guess is they are snobs and don’t think you should be moving in their circles.

Out of the whole class we probably fell into the 'less advantaged' bracket, and perhaps knowing that there are less people in a similar situation now doesn't sit easy on first hearing.

I see, it's a 'know your place woman' situation most likely. They'll get over it. Act super confident around them.

Are you an annoying neighbour? The ones that are happy you're moving are the ones you're moving AWAY from

No, the ones that are happy are the ones we are moving close to - they will both live opposite the new house.

They would have no idea what we are like as neighbours as I live in a different village at the moment.

I think also this is a very unusual reaction and cannot for the life of me understand why you think they’d be envious of you when they live in similar homes,

I do notice though that you feel moving to this property gives you an entitlement to a better or deeper friendship group and more play dates, they do not feel this clearly.

So ultimately I think this is about you and your expectations on them that you think moving has entitled you to.

@blarbed at this point I can kind of see why they are reacting the way they are...you seem to be overly invested in how much they care about your move!! People have their own lives to live and their own shit happening to be THAT bothered 😕

@Sara2000

What *@OwlOne* said.

It may not be jealousy as such, but just fear of change. Or maybe you misread the signals. It sounds as though you live somewhere in which your house is a status symbol so maybe you've got a bit caught up in that yourself.

Some people are strange about these things though. DH and I moved to a slightly bigger house in a slightly more desirable area a few years ago. One of our friends couldn't stop himself from making snippy comments about the house and area. Previsouly we had lived in the same area as him, but he had a nicer,bigger house. Our new house was about the same size as his. He also started making comments to DH who is very fit and into running, whist our friend wasn't. It got a bit wearing but we just ignored it and let the friendship die. Helped by the time he likened me to a prostitute because I was a SAHM! Sometimes you just need to realise people arent the friends you thought they were.

Really? Gosh.

[quote kittykat35]@blarbed at this point I can kind of see why they are reacting the way they are...you seem to be overly invested in how much they care about your move!! People have their own lives to live and their own shit happening to be THAT bothered 😕 [/quote]
I can't see how me mentioning it once to my group of friends would have given them the impression that I'm overly invested in how much they care about the move. My feelings about it have just been shared anonymously on here.

They were wondering who bought the house, and I told them it was me.

I disagree that friends would not be bothered if you are moving opposite (as two of them will be, directly opposite - they are neighbours with each other). Of course that is interesting to them. And they were the two that were excited. The reactions of the others were negative - comments and facial expressions - which is different from being disinterested.

I agree with the snob golden circle comments. I used to work with people like that. Constantly competing about everything.
They'll be looking to move up a rung now that you've caught them all up.

Unusual for so many people to react that way, the common denominators are you, your dc and the house. You will know the reason, you just need to stop and think about it.

Lots of ideas above. Another one, have you excessively pleaded poverty for the last couple of years, maybe, but not necessarily, sometimes not paid your/your dc's way because you were "skint", and now you suddenly you can afford the big house?

I've had this. I've worked for everything we have but of course we've had some tough times. However, when I could afford to travel first class, buy a new car I got nothing but jealousy for someone who had never worked for her things! I think some people like to have someone to look down on