Friends seem unhappy about our house move

[blarbed]

We are moving into a bigger house in the village where my children go to school. It has taken me by surprise that people, who are thought were friends, seem disappointed and negative about it. I'm the sort of person who bigs up my friends' achievements, so I find it hard to get my head around this. I'm presuming they are jealous or maybe feel threatened in some way? However, they live in houses similar to the one we are buying, so I don't really get it. Previously we were relatively less well off.

A couple of my friends have been very pleased and excited for us, but a close friend of mine could not hide her disappointment, written all over her face. She had nothing nice to say and instead asked how long our chain was (hoping it might not happen?). Another friend just avoided eye contact with me and did not say a single word for the whole conversation.

Another Mum, who I know more as an acquaintance, and who I will be moving around the corner from, just stepped away from the group, and kept her head down. I thought she had not heard that I'd be moving practically next door, so I mentioned it to her separately - and then her reaction showed she had heard, but did not seem happy about it. She does not know me very well but our sons are in the same year, so surely it's a nice thing that more school friends will be around?

WTF? Is this normal?

My own mum did something similar OP.

We were moving to a Road I've always wanted to live on since a child as it's near a local beauty spot.

DM called and asked the estate agents to view the house AFTER our offer was accepted and told me it was because she wanted to "make sure" they had taken it off the market for me.

Before I moved in I used to drive past the house to have a little look and get excited at the thought of moving in a few weeks. I would regularly see DM driving past me the opposite way past the property (and it's not on a main road, so was pretty obvious she was having a nosey too.)

The kicker was the weird reaction when she came for the first look round. I was heavily pregnant with twins and moving day ending up finishing late. She was annoyed I didn't have her round on the first day - erm, I was still unpacking boxes and DH was moving furniture around until 11pm!

I had her round the very next day and she was late - despite it being her who wanted to come so soon and I was trying to get a Christmas tree up for the kids.

She came into the hall and took her coat off and spend about half an hour going on about my dads pension and never stopped for breath to even say a word about the house! She wouldn't even look it was so weird.

It still bothers me now that she couldn't just say "this is lovely, I'm pleased for you".

@Annasgirl

This, TBH OP, you sound like a bit of a nightmare. I never told people at the school gate where I was moving to - why on earth would I????

You sound as jealous as OP's 'friends'.

Im thinking they dont like you!

People can be odd when you move to a bigger house. Your so called friends reaction is certainly not normal. An old friend of mine, used to visit regularly when I lived in a flat in a city, which was a 4 hour drive for her. But weirdly, when we moved to a house in the country, which was less of a drive for her, was a bigger house so could easily accommodate her, her dh and dd, she refused to visit. She made continuous excuses why she couldn't come. I gave up in the end. 🤷‍♀️

@StickTheKettleOnAlice

"If someone I hardly knew or hardly saw announced they were moving around the corner /next door I cant say I'd be thrilled about it and would think it would be awkward. I would also wonder why they had told me."

Eh?

If you hardly know or saw them why would you even be arsed? Maybe they are moving to make to make their sch run easier!

What does it have to do with you who buys a property?

Someone you do not know buys a vacant property next door or around the corner from you and you would not be thrilled! ". Someone you don't know has bought a house.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Suck it up Buttercup!

It does sound like jealousy/ a strange reaction to you getting out of the poor friend box they have categorised you in. So none of which reflects well on them as friends.

Also - I have shared in my friends' stories of moving house, these are usually big deals, stressful too, of course I would be interested.

Also - I made a friend once when a fellow mum said they had moved to the same road as me. I didn't know her before but then we started catching up for coffee.

So, YANBU

I agree with pp that it's about status and pecking order.

Also, they may feel you misled, embarrassed or even deceived them, by keeping your cards close to your chest before now.

Did they ever talk about their nice things and nice holidays to you? Did you tell them all your frugality was so that you could pay off your mortgage and 'move up'? If not, they may feel you were misleading them, judging their profligacy and have 'tricked' them with this move.

I also wonder whether it has anything to do with the people who used to live there. Are they struggling to view you as 'the new Xs', in terms of those people's place in village society?

Villagers can be an odd cliquey bunch Op.

The older I get, the more I expect people to be cantankerous, selfish gits. I think it boils down to the materialistic society we live in and the ridiculous status/pressure we are supposed to live up to. Don't worry about it. As they say those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind! Also, as well as being hard, life is very unfair for some people, so we can't blame some for feeling bad.

I think there is quite a lot of jumping to conclusions going on. Why don't you ask your friends rather than guessing what they are thinking?

"A couple of my friends have been very pleased and excited for us, but a close friend of mine could not hide her disappointment, written all over her face. She had nothing nice to say and instead asked how long our chain was (hoping it might not happen?)."

It could have been disappointment but it could also have bene concern maybe? She hears that a friend is really excited about a house move and yet she knows that the shit is hitting the fan with covid and perhaps things will not go smoothly. She knows you could lose the house you really want and she doesn't want that to happen to you. She asks about the length of the chain to try and gauge whether this is a likely scenario or not.

"Another friend just avoided eye contact with me and did not say a single word for the whole conversation." She could have been preoccupied with something else, had a headache, feels happy for you but also sad as you are moving further away from her and she feels it might be harder to see you and she will miss you - who knows?

Another Mum, who I know more as an acquaintance, and who I will be moving around the corner from, just stepped away from the group, and kept her head down. I thought she had not heard that I'd be moving practically next door, so I mentioned it to her separately - and then her reaction showed she had heard, but did not seem happy about it. She does not know me very well but our sons are in the same year, so surely it's a nice thing that more school friends will be around? Perhaps she had not heard you to start with. If an acquaintance followed me to tell me they'd be moving near me I'd actually be disconcerted as that's a little odd from an acquaintance.

Give your friends a call and talk about it. Don't assume they're jealous. That's one explanation in amongst many possibilities and not friendly to jump to that conclusion as it's pretty negative about your friends.

I think you are projecting your own feelings of inadequacy onto your friends. You’re not a mind reader and they are hardly likely to jump for joy.

Don’t worry what they think. It just goes to show who your true friends really are. It’s definately got to be a jealousy thing.

@StickTheKettleOnAlice post represents all that all that inward and unwelcoming to those moving into new communities.

Very sad that those looking to build a new life and injecting a financial investment through house purchase and purchaes through local farm shops, support of livestock farmers and other independent retailers are treated so badly.

Those of us who move to a rural community and invest heavily in community and farming projects. those of us who invest in sch's and community. Those of us is who invest in school mums and community. We are viewed as unwelcome.

"We've lived frugally to afford to make those over-payments, so have never had nice cars or holidays, etc"

You are upgrading your house, which tends to signal to most people that someone is doing quite well. You're doing so at a time when the world has gone to a hell in a handcart, many people are losing their jobs (and potentially their homes) left, right and centre and there's no end in sight to any of it.

Could that have anything to do with it?

SidVisk we had similar with dh younger brother. We did a big move moved out of London to West Country bought a real doer upper house. Dh brother came to visit and didn’t say one word about the house not one just talked about himself and the weather etc. Thought it so odd and rude when we visited their new house we had shown real enthusiasm and interest. He obviously had a massive chip on his shoulder. Weirdo.

How strange. Is a territory thing?

I saw a very close friendship collapse when one friend moved next to another. Very exclusive address, and I think the one who lived there first couldn't cope with the other making the leap.

It was horrible

I apologise if I am way off the mark, but just an alternative from the "jealousy" viewpoint.

It sounds from what you've said that these people are more aquaintances than friends. This and the fact you've posted makes me think that you're overly invested in what others think and are maybe aspiring to be like others who you perceive to have more, and seeking their approval?

I have a family member who spends a lot of time trying to form friendships with the people with the expensive cars and big, gorgeous houses. She fawns over and is "happy" for them and all they have because she has no chance of competing with them, and "happy" for the people on the rung below who have "less" than her because they are no competition to her...but extremely competitive with the people who are on a similar path to her (myself being one of these people). She would also describe herself as "frugal" when I would say she takes advantage of people and is tight in a bid to fund the life style she aspires to and the things she wants to have.

The result is that by the time she gets what she wants, she has probably left bad feeling with a lot of different people. I don't think she would have any idea how she might have come across to people.

I think you're making some huge assumptions here OP. Maybe they know something you don't or are worried for you that it will fall through or there will be problems (like there are with an awful lot of moves and mortgage applications etc are currently). Just because two of your other friends have said it's amazing and been visibly happy doesn't mean they weren't just being nice does it, we have all done it. Not saying you don't deserve your friends to be happy for you but these are hard times and you don't know others circumstances as well as i bet we all imagine we do. I wouldn't assume you know what it's about, or make anything of it. Be happy for yourself and your family and move on and enjoy it.

As an aside Now really isn't the time to be telling all and sundry auch as random school gate acquaintances that you feel you're very blatantly going up in the world, a bit of tact might not go amiss in these times.

I had a friend who, on her first visit to my house, laughed and said 'how DARE you have a bigger house than me?'

She tried to make out she was kidding. She absolutely wasn't.

We're no longer get friends...

Is it because you’re attempting to move house in the middle of a pandemic?! Moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do, I wouldn’t want to be doing it at the moment. Is it more concern than disapproval you’re getting from friends?

We’ve been trying to sell our house and it’s been everything but exciting!

@BrummyMum1 you have missed point. This thread is about Op moving to village where her children school. This is about village reaction / village mums to her moving there.

It’s just village mentality with some people. Ignore it. Your village isn’t a two-word place EB is it?

The ‘acquaintance’ Mum is probably just feeling awkward that a woman she barely knows connected only by your children, might want to become friends. She’s probably over dramatised her life and worried you’ll see she only has a Mini Cooper on the drive after all not an Audi

Everyone who isn’t happy for you, theyre not friends, they have issues about it - jealously, disbelief, whatever it is - so they’re not worth any more investment on the matter.

The ones who are happy, just revel in them.

@StickTheKettleOnAlice "If someone I hardly knew or hardly saw announced they were moving around the corner /next door I cant say I'd be thrilled about it and would think it would be awkward. I would also wonder why they had told me."

Why? Why do you feel that? If you hardly know them or saw them why would feel this way? Please explain further.