Friends seem unhappy about our house move

[blarbed]

We are moving into a bigger house in the village where my children go to school. It has taken me by surprise that people, who are thought were friends, seem disappointed and negative about it. I'm the sort of person who bigs up my friends' achievements, so I find it hard to get my head around this. I'm presuming they are jealous or maybe feel threatened in some way? However, they live in houses similar to the one we are buying, so I don't really get it. Previously we were relatively less well off.

A couple of my friends have been very pleased and excited for us, but a close friend of mine could not hide her disappointment, written all over her face. She had nothing nice to say and instead asked how long our chain was (hoping it might not happen?). Another friend just avoided eye contact with me and did not say a single word for the whole conversation.

Another Mum, who I know more as an acquaintance, and who I will be moving around the corner from, just stepped away from the group, and kept her head down. I thought she had not heard that I'd be moving practically next door, so I mentioned it to her separately - and then her reaction showed she had heard, but did not seem happy about it. She does not know me very well but our sons are in the same year, so surely it's a nice thing that more school friends will be around?

WTF? Is this normal?

We had the same with some really good friends of ours. I’ve always been really excited and happy for friends when they got their houses. We were in two bed flat with three kids for years. Both retrained and managed to buy lovely semi that needed a lot of work. Some friends of ours were quite rude and dismissive - didn’t even come in when we moved in for a long time and waited out side 3 times when they came over to meet to go out. I put down to jealousy. Sad really

People are nuts. We got on well with all our 4 close neighbours for example for 14 years .... they all have 5 bedroom houses we had a smaller 4 bed - more like a 3. We saved for 10 years and finally extended the house. Queue the jealousy!!!! My god. One even said “you used to have the smallest house!” Damn straight bitch and now we have the biggest and nicest! 😜🤣
Honestly - it’s sad. The other 3 have houses the same size as our extended one but can’t hide their jealousy. Pathetic. Some friends have been equally green eyed. They’re not friends and I’d reevaluate your “friends” there too.
Enjoy your new home and stuff those idiots.

I had a similar issue when we bought our 1st house.

One friend clearly enjoyed looking down on us and was aggrieved we had bought a nicer house in a nicer area than her and 2 of my other so called friends were flat out jealous I was doing better than them and I had to endure similar comments.

Unfortunately very few people feel good for others when they improve their own lane.

Let them get on with it. If you are brave enough challenge them on their attitude but it depends if it's worth your effort.

Wow. You need better friends!

you need new friends.

@blarbed

I think this has highlighted to me that I probably do place too much emphasis on wanting to find friends in the school-run group of Mums.

I work alone, from home and I'm not from the area, so it's difficult for me to make friendships with people.

My children starting school has introduced me to lots of new Mum 'friends', but I'm wondering whether their friendship means more to me than it does to them. It's been an eye-opener and I'm just going to be wary of those who reacted negatively.

You do seem to be overanalysing Plus you went after a woman to ask her if she's heard you 😬

They maybe think you're too full on. I have mum friends and sometimes all I want to do is nod and smile at them. I'm a busy person!
Other times we all get together adults only or all chat at the park.
I'm there if they need to chat and we are on good terms BUT

I could NOT chat everyday at the school gates! Too much for me

@Janegrey333

I think some people enjoy the drama of this sort of situation. Why on earth would anyone agonise about why other mummies aren’t being friendly? It’s almost as if you like the “well jel” replies, OP.

This! Sorry OP You seem to be imagining them all at home agonising over you and your life.

They are probably dealing with their own lives and you are the one spending hours thinking about them!

Some people just can’t be happy for others. They’re not friends. Ignore and enjoy your new home!🎉

You don’t sound very well liked

OP you sound lovely and compassionate.. enjoy your wonderful new home..

Sadly there is a thread running presenting a point of view from the other side

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4071289-Im-not-a-very-nice-person?msgid=101499237#101499237

Could some of these friends be people who got close to you because your hard life makes them feel better about their insecurities ? And the moment you were on the same level as them they now see you as competition?

Are these friends usually not very open about their personal lives with others but chose to open up to you in the past ? They bonded with you as a potential soundboard/counsellor who they share their vulnerabilities with or on the other side they share their happy parts of life who don’t resemble yours back then? And now they feel conscious that they have No advanGge in the competition they have entered and are back to managing their insecurities?

Some people are just way too competitive in a toxic way. It’s upbringing ..

Give them time to process their own feelings. They’re not aweful but they’re not reliable at this current time and now you know who is a genuine and who is not through thick and thin which is a blessing.

With time they will go back to being pleasant acquaintances but life has showed you where to invest all your energy when it comes to friendship and just leave these as a bit of pleasantries

There are times when it's worth asking someone you trust to level with you about what is being said about you in a group. This might be one of them.
Is it by chance political? Less likely if you haven't gotten any negative vibes from people before. But speaking of politics, a lot of middle class people feel good about themselves if they befriend people who are poor, special needs, or otherwise politically correct, and now it turns out you are their equal, maybe they don't feel so good.
One other guess. If before they thought you were relatively poor, were you by chance the recipient of any charity? If they gave to something for you, or did something for you, they may feel they were duped now it turns out you have (or had) money in the bank.
Whatever, congratulations on your new house!

We were due to move a few years ago and my 'friend' was very odd about the whole thing. I didn't talk about it much but she kept bringing it up in a 'are you sure you can afford it/what if you don't like it' kind of way. The move fell through in the end and she could barely contain her glee. We still live in our same (smaller than hers) house but I don't really have much contact with her now, it all really made me see her in a different way. I also got fed up with her copying every single thing that I bought for my house.

Nonsense about mum friends falling away. Mine now at secondary my mum friends are still a hugely important part of my life and lots of them. My parents are still great friends with numerous couples they met through our primary years though none of us “children” are still in touch.

When I told her, it looked like her eyes might actually well up. She looked very disappointed. I don't live near her now, and won't live too close when we move because she's on the outskirts of the village. I think she's worried I will build closer relationships with these other women......that's my guess

That just sounds like sadness you are moving away from her and nearer to the others.
She might feel like she is being petty or that you don't care and she would be foolish to voice this.
Could you go and talk to her and say it doesn't change the friendship?

@DancingInTheGarden

When I told her, it looked like her eyes might actually well up. She looked very disappointed. I don't live near her now, and won't live too close when we move because she's on the outskirts of the village. I think she's worried I will build closer relationships with these other women......that's my guess

That just sounds like sadness you are moving away from her and nearer to the others.
She might feel like she is being petty or that you don't care and she would be foolish to voice this.
Could you go and talk to her and say it doesn't change the friendship?

Bloody hell, the drama... 🙄

OP these women sound like teenage girls with school drama whilst you seem kind and level headed. Enjoy your new home and keep an eye out for nicer friends

I'd ask one of the more trusted ones if there is a problem with the house that you are moving too, as it seems as though there could be something negative about it that they reluctant to tell you. Do you know the history of the house? If it's nothing along those lines, then they are a bunch of fucking weirdos.

to not too...ugh auto correct

Overly invested in reactions - here.

@SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere

Ask them! No person on here can give you the answer!

Yes, ask them. It might even add an extra dimension to your handwringing!

I think it’s unfair and catty throw “over invested” and the like at the op.

Who the fuck can’t fake a “oh congratulations!” When they don’t give a crap one way or another about someone moving home. It’s a big deal whenever anyone moves! Especially atm!

It costs nothing to be pleasant to someone who considers you a friend

Sadly FAR too many mum “friends”‘are ridiculously jealous of the slightest perception of anyone else having something they want

@blarbed as you can see from these responses, there are some lovely people in the world and there are some complete arses.

Things like this sort the wheat from the chaff. Yes you’ll hurt and be feeling utterly disappointed in their reactions, but just put a line through their names on the proverbial list of friends, don’t look back and dump and move on.

I think you are looking for mum friends where mum friends do not exist.

You have moved into-a sch community and that community does not seem particularly welcoming. They are not your friends, they are acquaintances.

Purchase your house but do not rely on this community to include you. Do not move there with a view to being incorporated into this new village. The warning signs are there already from existing villagers/mums.

Move there , with your own happy family set up , contentment and independent support network. I suspect your village " friends" are telling you, you will be largely left alone when you move. If you expect coffee mornings and friendships, play dates , day interactions.. that will not happen.

Prepare to move into a village, as an outsider and expect to spend days/weeks/ months alone if you do not work.

These mums at sch and in this village are not your friends. You have mistaken them for so and think that moving into village where your children sch will be answer to all problems.

Op, you are moving to that sch village as you think it will make your life better. You are new to area, you think moving to sch village will put all your loneliness right. It wont.

Do not by a house where your children sch .Buy a house where you will be happy and you have a larger general community outside of sch gates , in the long term. x

When i say " You have moved into-a sch community" i mean your children go to school there.

Because your children school there you may have mistaken faux parent chit chat as friendships. If you have moved there from outside you will understandably be looking to make new connections . The parents in the village ,to which you refer, have probably been there all their lives, they like you as so and so but sch mums but will not be your friend when you move to village. Neither will village neighbours for that matter .

Move to a village with your own full life and existing friendship group from home and do not expect village residents to welcome you, incorporate you.

You may be as lonely. You need to choose your village wisely. x

Very odd! Your friends should be clapping the loudest. Unless they know something about the house or don't want you that close... Or simply jealous