Friends seem unhappy about our house move

[blarbed]

We are moving into a bigger house in the village where my children go to school. It has taken me by surprise that people, who are thought were friends, seem disappointed and negative about it. I'm the sort of person who bigs up my friends' achievements, so I find it hard to get my head around this. I'm presuming they are jealous or maybe feel threatened in some way? However, they live in houses similar to the one we are buying, so I don't really get it. Previously we were relatively less well off.

A couple of my friends have been very pleased and excited for us, but a close friend of mine could not hide her disappointment, written all over her face. She had nothing nice to say and instead asked how long our chain was (hoping it might not happen?). Another friend just avoided eye contact with me and did not say a single word for the whole conversation.

Another Mum, who I know more as an acquaintance, and who I will be moving around the corner from, just stepped away from the group, and kept her head down. I thought she had not heard that I'd be moving practically next door, so I mentioned it to her separately - and then her reaction showed she had heard, but did not seem happy about it. She does not know me very well but our sons are in the same year, so surely it's a nice thing that more school friends will be around?

WTF? Is this normal?

I would always love to hear the other side in threads like this . It's just too unlikely otherwise unless village life really is that shite.

Why? do you doubt that there are people out there who need to have a rung beneath them?

Sure it's not concern?

My face would be doing all sorts of gymnastics over a friend buying an expensive house in the middle of a pandemic

While I tried to figure out what to do with my face I would be weakly choking out 'how lovely'

Hi Op envy manifests itself quite weird ways does it, so called friends are being dismissive of you doing better in life,Cause they don't feel you are worthy enough to be on,similar equal footing as them, it made them somewhat feel superior which they could look down on your as their poor "friend'.

Op their phoney face masks have slipped an really revealed who they really are to you, this is bit of blessing in disguise, you can slowly fade out those so called friends, or ditch them as quick as possible,

Focus's more postive friendships /or creating them in your life, such as your two friends who are much more positive of your good fortune in life.

I can maybe sort of understand them feeling a bit of twinge or two of envious feelings for a short while,(as only human with character flaws,but a decent friend who is genuine,would put any negative twinge feelings aside like that, get over that feeling,and be quite happy life is working out better for you finally.

Better off with out them.

May be if you have shakey self esteem/cofindence issues? improve this in whatever works for you,so you do not care so much what other people think of your good fortune, you deserve your family does, you have worked hard enough for this why should you have to take on board their attitudes if they have some kind of issue with this then its their prob tells you all you need to know about them.

Wow, this thread has really blown up since I last read it! I'm going to have to read through it properly.

Just to respond to a few earlier queries -
The reason I mentioned this (only once) to them, is because two of them will actually live opposite me and they obviously know the house is 'sold' and were wondering who had bought it! They were the happy two, whose children also go to the same school.

The one who stepped away, as I said, lives around the corner (similar house again).

The one who asked about the chain lives on the outskirts of the village but is probably my closest friend. She is also very well-off - a lot more than we will be. I'm wondering whether she is concerned I may become closer to these friends, when living near them.

They are in a little clique on the close - so maybe reluctant to accept a new girl into their localised play-date rituals?

The one who avoided eye contact probably has the smallest house - more similar to my old one, and I think maybe liked the idea that we were similar previously.

It's good to hear how some people have experienced similar though, as this was a bit unsettling.

It sounds like there is some factor which you don't know about, such as one of them wanting the same house.

They are being rude and unreasonable to project this onto you. And they aren't your friends.

Hope you get to know some nicer people!

@PrincessBuggerPants

"We've lived frugally to afford to make those over-payments, so have never had nice cars or holidays, etc"

Have you been verbalising this attitude to them? Suggesting you have 'worked hard' and deserve something, can leave a bitter taste.

No, of course not. I have said nothing of this to anyone. It's our business.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I think it sounds like the new nearest neighbour who is the acquaintance has no interest in deepening your friendship.

The others may be waiting until it actually happens/are worried about their own circumstances/are not actually that interested.

I agree with your comment about the acquaintance. It's annoying because she does not know me well - only just had surface chitchat - so why would someone take a disliking to somebody, based on very little? I was hoping our sons would develop a friendship as they are in the same class, but now I am going to be wary of further involvement with her.

Funny how these things reveal people's true feelings.

@Himalayansalt @OwlOne @LaurieFairyCake

Wow! What nastiness .

All welcome to come and stay with me at mine for a week and live the " village " life. I have loads of spare rooms . Living my best life miles away from anyone i know , in a large village home .

See what is to up sticks and try to live in a new community miles away from family and friends. See what it is to be isolated and alone every day when you thought you had a community.

Great fun moving miles away from home, getting your DC's into a sch , giving your all and then thinking you are part of that community.... only to discover you are not!

@GnomeDePlume. My dh got this too. He was unhappy at work and overweight. His db delighted in telling him that their father had called dh fat. It was so unnecessary and hurtful.
Six years later dh has retired early and he is slim and healthy and his db has a paunch.
We also downsized and bought a second home abroad with a pool which hasn’t gone down too well either.
Why people can’t just live their own best life I’ll never know.

Slightly strange that some people are mentioning how inappropriate it is to be moving in a pandemic, or saying that no-one is moving at the moment....the government has introduced the stamp duty window to encourage the housing market to keep on moving. There have been more houses on the market around here than ever. My brother is a conveyancer and says he's never been busier. People are still moving.

@Anordinarymum

I don't get why you need to tell everyone. Just move and have done with it. Nobody wants to hear how you justify buying a bigger better house - that's nobody's business but yours surely?

This.

Why you expect anyone to be excited about your house move? Maybe it’s your expectations and attitude that are out of kilter here, not their responses to something which of little interest to them. I’d be shuffling away nervously if anyone expected me to be excited about their new house.

I didn't mean it was inappropriate

I meant I'd be worried if property prices fell on you

Maybe they are clutching pearls about you daring to move house at the time of a pandemic. Either way, you don’t need friends who are negative and unsupportive at the same time.

[quote stackemhigh]@Annasgirl

This, TBH OP, you sound like a bit of a nightmare. I never told people at the school gate where I was moving to - why on earth would I????

You sound as jealous as OP's 'friends'.[/quote]
Why would a random on the Internet be jealous of another random's new house?? 😂
You, on the other hand, sound just like the op.

It would probably be like that where I live. It's very stepford wives here and the mums all seem to move in packs in their big X5 cars that they can't park.....

@blarbed

Slightly strange that some people are mentioning how inappropriate it is to be moving in a pandemic, or saying that no-one is moving at the moment....the government has introduced the stamp duty window to encourage the housing market to keep on moving. There have been more houses on the market around here than ever. My brother is a conveyancer and says he's never been busier. People are still moving.

Yes I work in property and business is booming. It's very busy. Heck you have to continue to live your life and move forward!

It's absolutely jealousy, don't let it take the shine off such an exciting time for you. We had a work colleague visit our house - not even invited round to show it, invited himself round for another reason - and his exact words were "it's a bit too big really".... WTF?!

From what you have said in a previous post, you’re the outsider coming into their sacred golden circle, and they liked to have a friend from the not so nice part of the town.

Well, I can tell you that when my lovely friend told me she’s sold her house and eas moving from around the corner from me in Surrey to outside Manchester, I wasn’t very pleased. I’m still not pleased (although her place is lovely and village is fabulous) because I miss her being near. Purely selfish that but I do admit that too.

Moving so close to your friends/acquaintances would be the stuff of nightmares for me, I like to keep people at arms length, literally moving into the house opposite two of them! I really hope you don’t fall out in the future, could make life uncomfortable.

@blarbed

Wow, this thread has really blown up since I last read it! I'm going to have to read through it properly.

Just to respond to a few earlier queries -
The reason I mentioned this (only once) to them, is because two of them will actually live opposite me and they obviously know the house is 'sold' and were wondering who had bought it! They were the happy two, whose children also go to the same school.

The one who stepped away, as I said, lives around the corner (similar house again).

The one who asked about the chain lives on the outskirts of the village but is probably my closest friend. She is also very well-off - a lot more than we will be. I'm wondering whether she is concerned I may become closer to these friends, when living near them.

They are in a little clique on the close - so maybe reluctant to accept a new girl into their localised play-date rituals?

The one who avoided eye contact probably has the smallest house - more similar to my old one, and I think maybe liked the idea that we were similar previously.

It's good to hear how some people have experienced similar though, as this was a bit unsettling.

I think you've nailed it @blarbed Your friends/acquaintances may feel a bit discombobulated as it's a big change & people worry all sorts of really daft things like 'will she forget about me' or 'will A like her more than me' or 'will B like her more than me' or basically the fear of the fear of missing out. At the moment everyone has their specific part in 'the show of life' & even a happy event that causes a change can especially in these unstable times makes people feel a bit wobbly in themselves.

Also we've forget that when we are thinking & worrying that everyone else is looking at & judging us that the other person is worrying & thinking that everyone else is looking at judging us.

Failing that you are either living in village EB as a pp mentioned or a similar one where it doesn't matter how kind or friendly you are if your 9x great grandparent isn't in the village cemetery than you are nothing but an uppity blow in.

I think that Mums of small children are a group that is a little discombobulated generally. It's a phase in your life where suddenly you HOUSE is visible to all (through your network at the school). Before, your work colleagues mightn't have had a clue what your house was like.
It's a phase in your life where shit like that can seem to define you. 2.4 kids, half decent husband who isn't so ugly he'd scare the horses and a NICE HOUSE.

This phase ends. You end up back at work even if you despair you'd ever get back in to the workplace and you realise when your kids are teens that you're only in touch with about three or four of a large bunch of women you used to see all the time.

let it happen.

It’s strangely that a few of them were odd about it.

I do have one friend who can never be happy for anyone. She’s only ever animated when you tell her things that are bad. I have listened with interest to the minutiae of her life, mostly good, some bad, her house extensions, new kitchens, bathrooms. I’ve been genuinely happy for her. I mentioned (literally, 10 seconds max) that we were moving home and she didnt acknowledge it and we haven’t discussed it again. And yet people I don’t know well will ask me how the house move is going. Which I briefly answer and then we move on. It’s just a bit strange and I can only put it down to a kind of resentment. I’m not a boaster and am sensitive to the feelings of others.

What @OwlOne said.

It may not be jealousy as such, but just fear of change. Or maybe you misread the signals. It sounds as though you live somewhere in which your house is a status symbol so maybe you've got a bit caught up in that yourself.

Some people are strange about these things though. DH and I moved to a slightly bigger house in a slightly more desirable area a few years ago. One of our friends couldn't stop himself from making snippy comments about the house and area. Previsouly we had lived in the same area as him, but he had a nicer,bigger house. Our new house was about the same size as his. He also started making comments to DH who is very fit and into running, whist our friend wasn't. It got a bit wearing but we just ignored it and let the friendship die. Helped by the time he likened me to a prostitute because I was a SAHM! Sometimes you just need to realise people arent the friends you thought they were.