Friends seem unhappy about our house move

[blarbed]

We are moving into a bigger house in the village where my children go to school. It has taken me by surprise that people, who are thought were friends, seem disappointed and negative about it. I'm the sort of person who bigs up my friends' achievements, so I find it hard to get my head around this. I'm presuming they are jealous or maybe feel threatened in some way? However, they live in houses similar to the one we are buying, so I don't really get it. Previously we were relatively less well off.

A couple of my friends have been very pleased and excited for us, but a close friend of mine could not hide her disappointment, written all over her face. She had nothing nice to say and instead asked how long our chain was (hoping it might not happen?). Another friend just avoided eye contact with me and did not say a single word for the whole conversation.

Another Mum, who I know more as an acquaintance, and who I will be moving around the corner from, just stepped away from the group, and kept her head down. I thought she had not heard that I'd be moving practically next door, so I mentioned it to her separately - and then her reaction showed she had heard, but did not seem happy about it. She does not know me very well but our sons are in the same year, so surely it's a nice thing that more school friends will be around?

WTF? Is this normal?

@WitchFindersAreEverywhere

There are constant threads about CF neighbours, and none of them are ever MNetter’s. Not ever never.

admitting they are CF, of course not, but there are countless threads with posters boasting how it is their human right to have unruly, loud sometimes feral children disturbing the neighbourhood , or to listen to loud music and have loud parties in their own garden or listen to loud tv, and being a general nuisance especially between 6am and 11pm...

Maybe there's someone else they are all friends with who wanted to buy that house, but now you have.

Whatever it is, sometimes it takes something like to this to realise which people are actual friends, and which to keep your guard with.

Sounds like envy doesn’t it? My friend hasn’t even mentioned my house move since I told her.

@BobsKnobs

Sounds like envy doesn’t it? My friend hasn’t even mentioned my house move since I told her.

Why would she? 🤷🏻‍♀️

First of all, congratulations! Even as a stranger I am happy for you. Living frugally isn’t for the faint hearted. All your sacrifices have paid off, well done!

As for the school mums or village mums, if you hadn’t known already, they are known to be a competitive breed, your group will be no exception. It’s a group of people that is perceived and valued by their appearance, house size and children’s achievement. It’s sad but it’s true. The hierarchy would have been set but you jumped up quite a few places by showing your cards with buying a larger house in a better location. Out of the blue I assume? In hindsight you should have given the others sometime to adjust. By letting them know how frugal you have been and how difficult it was. And how you wish one day you will be able to afford something amazing.

Jealousy, no doubt. Finding you irksome, most likely. But none of these would likely to be a your problem. Your posts suggest you are an outgoing person invited to all the parties, I can’t see how an irksome personal with social issues would be invited to tag along.
All of this weird reactions will settle and they will all come around again.
Meanwhile, enjoy and have fun with your new house!

you have gone against the grain and they clearly don't understand how you can move given you never have the required big/fancy holidays and fancy cars - don't let it get to you - value the friends that are pleased - the others are mere acquaintances based on what you have or don't and the fact they can feel superior to your impoverished selves.

Ah, it’s envy.

Happened to me once. We ‘suddenly’ bought a big house and some people stopped speaking to me.

Ten years later, exh left me and screwed me over for it all. I ended up on benefits with just the clothes on my back. Same ‘friends’ came flocking back to gloat.

I now don’t have any friends.

People can be odd (and wankers).

Possibly they feel almost deceived (wrongly, of course!) that if you lived in a small cheap house, they had you pegged for it being all you could afford, and have you pigeonholed into a certain financial or social bracket. I also bet this was underlined by you being a more humble sort of person, quite the opposite of the suggested possible unintentional bragging upthread, and so for you to "suddenly" (as they see it) announce your move to a naicer and bigger house they didn't see coming is what's really upset their apple cart.

If its a whole batch of previous friends then I 'd wonder if they all know something about your new house or its history . Not in a good way.

DM and SF were newly married and buying their first home together, where he worked. He took DM to view a large and well fitted house that was fully furnished and equipped. It was a dream house and fantastic bargain .The EA said the owners were Americans (hence the luxury decor , gigantic fridge and washer etc) who had returned to USA and didn't want the trouble and expense of packing and moving their stuff. Books, ornaments, even clothes were still there. . On viewing, DM rang to tell me it was her dream home, but strangely like the Marie Celeste, as if the previous owners had just walked out.

   It turned out that's exactly what they did, after their son hanged himself in one of the bedrooms.  SF didn't tell DM that until after they moved in.

There must be something going on you don't know about and they don't want to say. I can't see why anyone would feel annoyed about their friend moving house unless you you have strange friends. Maybe they know something about your future neighborhood you don't?

Oh my friend had similar odd behaviour when she mentioned a house she was buying . Turned out the locals all knew there'd been a murder in the house . No one told her till after she's bought it. ( was 20 years ago, hopefully now it would be disclosed ?! )

Maybe you are gloating?

I guess that as adults, many are still like silly kids wanting to play with the kid who has the most expensive toy. Status being the toy at this age

Yes I was going to say the same.

In the OP's case it could be disinterest or jealousy. Maybe they just don't care - maybe you've mentioned it more often than you think?

But where I live, I find people are quite snotty with people who they perceive to be worth less financially than them, even though you can't really tell - some people drive small cars and have small houses because they don't feel the need for a big car or more space. And they might not go on expensive holidays because they like the caravan park in Bognor. People don't always live up to their wealth so it's a bit of a silly assumption to make. But you definitely notice people sucking up to people with perceived wealth.

We've definitely been judged because of the car we drove and noticed a change when we changed the car (for a more expensive one).

There's nowt as odd as folk as they say,

I think that, at the very least, you should monitor yourself to see if you are getting overexcited. Maybe someone else in the group is in a vulnerable industry?

There are people who need you to be the rung beneath them as they see it. You were clearly
beneath them on the hierarchy you didnt know about because it exists in their head, but now, they think that you dont know yr place.

This happened to me along the way. I was a nervous wreck on benefits, now i have my own job house, sense of self.... some people have tried to put me in my place. Silent treatment for example. Love bombing all around us and icing me. I know it was to put me in my place!

From what you've said it sounds like they could be jealous of you. I have a 'friend' who is never happy for me if I'm doing OK, she only ever speaks to me if there's something to be negative about. It's a very strange friendship and one I know is not good.

Bitterness ... green eyed monster... jealousy... just some of the reasons people do not have a nice word to say about other peoples good news... and try to disguise it under 'we're really not bothered/interested' bla bla bla ...

Congratulations OP ... enjoy your wonderful new home in the village... 🌺

A lot of people refer to ‘that’ Mum / Dad /child but I suspect that person has no idea their behaviour makes others think of them like that - or they wouldn’t do it

To get such a strange reaction from so many people would make me think that they think you are ‘that’ Mum / Dad / child and aren’t too happy you’ll be much closer to them

Things like not wanting to disclose a death in the house etc don’t really add up in this day and age as that kind of info is so easy to find out

Time to get a bit more selective when it comes to forming friendships, methinks.

They aren’t friends OP, good luck with your move.

@WankPuffins

Ah, it’s envy.

Happened to me once. We ‘suddenly’ bought a big house and some people stopped speaking to me.

Ten years later, exh left me and screwed me over for it all. I ended up on benefits with just the clothes on my back. Same ‘friends’ came flocking back to gloat.

I now don’t have any friends.

People can be odd (and wankers).

I can imagine. Some people just need friends who are beneath them. Not a service i want to provide!

When i was on benefits and living with extended family, i clicked with a woman who was married, ric, privileg3d, i could see some people were literally confused by her givingvme the time of day!!

"We do live in quite a competitive 'showy' area though, so maybe people are more bothered about what others have (I'm not originally from the area)."

I think you hit the nail on the head with the above statement.

Perhaps they aren’t interested as it’s a school gate situation and they are merely women who gave birth at a similar time? Don’t invest anymore time in them. “Cordial but arms length” was always my policy at the school gates and I’ve never regretted it. They don’t need to know about your house move and you don’t need to know their opinion or have their approval.