Friends seem unhappy about our house move

[blarbed]

We are moving into a bigger house in the village where my children go to school. It has taken me by surprise that people, who are thought were friends, seem disappointed and negative about it. I'm the sort of person who bigs up my friends' achievements, so I find it hard to get my head around this. I'm presuming they are jealous or maybe feel threatened in some way? However, they live in houses similar to the one we are buying, so I don't really get it. Previously we were relatively less well off.

A couple of my friends have been very pleased and excited for us, but a close friend of mine could not hide her disappointment, written all over her face. She had nothing nice to say and instead asked how long our chain was (hoping it might not happen?). Another friend just avoided eye contact with me and did not say a single word for the whole conversation.

Another Mum, who I know more as an acquaintance, and who I will be moving around the corner from, just stepped away from the group, and kept her head down. I thought she had not heard that I'd be moving practically next door, so I mentioned it to her separately - and then her reaction showed she had heard, but did not seem happy about it. She does not know me very well but our sons are in the same year, so surely it's a nice thing that more school friends will be around?

WTF? Is this normal?

Have your friends always lived in that village? You said you are not from around there. Did you move into the area from far away ? Perhaps they view you as coming in,waving your money around buying houses they cannot afford and pricing them out? ( i experienced this when i moved 100 miles for a better lifestyle.)

I think it could be a mix of that, jealously and also that you may become more integrated into the group now. Villages can be unpleasant places to live if you do not have relatives dating back 300 yrs in the local graveyard!

Or - more likely it's because at the moment people are losing their jobs and financially insecure. Maybe your move is like salt rubbing into that wound.

Oh OP if you were my friend i would be very pleased for you and tell you. I am aware that being jealous of friends achievements is natural but i dont show it, i always act happy and excited for my friends (houses, relationships, promotions, good news etc). why rain on anybodys parade?

Are they actual friends you have known for years or mums you met at sch gates?

More likely they're not particularly interested, rather than jealous.
Perhaps unrealistic for you to expect everyone to be as excited as you.

Maybe they are worried that having you around the corner will be a bit much?

I have a very good friend (albeit with a few eccentricities) who was keen to rent on my road. She only lives 20 minutes away, and she couldn't see any reason I wouldn't be delighted to have her living 4 doors away. I didn't say anything but my heart absolutely sank - she is a lot of fun, but she doesn't work and she has a very communal mindset. She would be in and out every day, it would be almost like having a flatmate. Her son (lovely, and a good friend of my DS) is exactly like her. He would be on my doorstep at all hours, and my DS would be delighted... The thought was so smothering I was straight on Rightmove planning my escape.

Luckily someone else got the house, and my friend is still an excellent friend at 20 minute distance. Sometimes you just want to be able to come and go without being overlooked by your friends. Could it be that?

"We've lived frugally to afford to make those over-payments, so have never had nice cars or holidays, etc"

Have you been verbalising this attitude to them? Suggesting you have 'worked hard' and deserve something, can leave a bitter taste.

It’s a funny time OP - maybe they are struggling at the moment with big financial commitments and clearly you aren’t - it could be jealousy .

We moved close to a ‘friend’ and her children - our children are quite similar - she talks about our children doing things together - they never actually do unless I organise it . I’ve ended up wondering if she thinks they’re better than us ...

Could you be misreading their reactions or could they be bored about hearing about the house move?

They don't need to 'big up your achievement' - perhaps you are expecting a round of applause and lots of wows and swoons......

The one you are moving closer to seems to display behaviour that might indicate she is not happy about having you as a neighbour.

@blarbed
I saw something similar in my old work when people's roles changed.
I was in a "middle" role and was asked to step up which left my "middle" role vacant.
We asked our admin assistant (who was more than qualified!) to step up.
Another colleague who was my peer in the "middle" roles attitude changed overnight towards the admin assistant.

Previously they'd been as thick as thieves. Having lunch together, checking up on each other when unwell outside of work etc
It seemed like she was happy enough lording it over someone she seen as "beneath" her. But as soon as the power balanced changed and they were on equal responsibilities and pay, she wanted nothing to do with her and would talk her down at any opportunity.

As a PP said, some people like to put you in a box and you stay there. Woe betide you ever try and move up in the world.

Are you a total loud party animal?
A CF at parking?
Turn your house into a santa grotto at Christmas.
If so perhaps that's why your neighbour to be is like "oh crap"

Something similar happened to me many years ago. My parents both died when I was in my early twenties and as the only child I inherited everything. By any standards it was not a fortune but it was enough to allow us to buy a car for the first time and to move from a two bed maisonette to a three bed semi. So not exactly ,lottery win life changes. The reactions of some friends was quite strange and one even said to me that it felt odd to her that we had 'come up in the world all of a sudden' .

I think there are some people who do like to be able to fix themselves in some kind of social pecking order and if someone appears to step out of that they find it disconcerting. Maybe your friends are like this OP

People can be v envious, OP. It seems to be a British thing, folk don't like it when you raise yourself up to 'their level'; they like you to stay down, 'where you belong'. It bolsters their fragile egos. I've been in a similar position, I bought a v nice house and married a wonderful guy, many were genuinely happy for me, but there were a few who were blatantly jealous. I don't consider those people to be my friends though, I think you should rethink your relationships with those who were neutral / cool concerning your news. They aren't your real friends.

I’ve had things like this happen with a friend where I did what your friends did (which is strange that so many of them did it BTW). I’m not saying this is what you’ve done at all but this is my view of it. It was because they were telling me for ages they had no money and we’re down to their last penny. I’d offer to get the coffee occasionally knowing they didn’t have much and then suddenly they bought a really expensive house. So my first reaction was genuine surprise, didn’t even know they were looking for a house, then annoyed. It’s not the money that annoyed me but I felt a bit deceived by them, with friends I’d normally mention if we were looking to move but my friend pretended they weren’t and they were broke. I also now feel stupid for being honest with them about us, like questioning how open I am myself. I’ve checked myself really hard and it’s not jealousy, they certainly weren’t the poor friend at all it’s a bit of betrayal realising that quite a few of the days out we had involved lies from them.

I think it sounds like the new nearest neighbour who is the acquaintance has no interest in deepening your friendship.

The others may be waiting until it actually happens/are worried about their own circumstances/are not actually that interested.

Is there any chance that your child is ever seen as a bad influence or something like that? Don’t mean that as bluntly as it sounds.

Many people like friends to do well but not as well as them ...

When we moved our friends were the same. But us moving has given all of them new opportunities and they are all doing some really great things now.
It might just be a bit of jealousy.

Unless you unknowingly gazumped someone they know?

It may well be jealousy. I got divorced and was a dirt poor single mum for some time. One friend (former!) in particular was always inviting me to stay the weekend and offering me money (I don’t take it). Eventually I met and remarried. Once she figured out DH’s house was mortgage free and he had inherited a second home she got really mean and ended up insisting on inviting my ex to loads of events which was so awkward I ended up stepping away. I can only assume she liked having someone to pity more than she valued my friendship.

Agree with @dworky.
They are jealous/ uncomfortable that you are moving up. They didn't see you as "one of them."
In general people are having a rubbish time at the moment and maybe things are on the slide a bit for them.
I would be very careful about sharing any other details with them - their unkind reactions will bring you down. Reserve that for your friends that do care about you and or family.

It could well be to do with you moving out of the box they thought was yours.

DH gets this. Amongst family and family friends he was always the tubby one. Now he has an active job and is without a doubt the slimmest of the group. But you still see people giving a double-take if they see him and if asked to describe him they would probably still describe him as the tubby one as that is his box.

People can't possibly be "disappointed" that you're moving house, op 😂
I imagine you're expecting a big fanfare and the people you've told either don't see it as a big deal (it isn't, to anyone else),
or actively dislike your kids so are the opposite of thrilled to find them in their own kid's classes.

The reason we are managing to make this bigger move is because we lived in a small cheap house so that we could make over-payments on the mortgage. We almost paid our house off, so that gave us a substantial deposit. We've lived frugally to afford to make those over-payments, so have never had nice cars or holidays, etc.

This might be the issue. They've always seen you as the "poor" neighbours and are now wondering how you have managed to buy a bigger/better house on your (perceived) resources.

It sounds like you are all acquaintances and it’s a competitive school gate situation rather than proper friendships. I’m new to where we live and have just realised it myself. It was a shock, but I’m seeing things more clearly now. Try not to sweat it but see these people for who they are.

I'm also thinking they liked their status over you as the 'poor' one and your move has changed that.

The one who you will be near, she may just be thinking that your child may come knocking a lot or you may pop round and she might not like that. I will speak to my neighbours but very much keep myself to myself and don't want to be friends with them. I definitely don't want their children knocking all the time and have actively discouraged this as I find it annoying.

I had a friend who came househunting with me. She kept trying to encourage me with houses that were clearly too small or unsuitable. She is no longer a friend for other reasons but she is very jealous and bitter of everyone. She lives in a council property (I couldn't give a shit but she had a chip on her shoulder about it) and I very much got the sense she didn't want me to have a nicer house as my previous one was a tiny 2 up 2 down. People are bloody weird and competitive.