Friends seem unhappy about our house move

[blarbed]

We are moving into a bigger house in the village where my children go to school. It has taken me by surprise that people, who are thought were friends, seem disappointed and negative about it. I'm the sort of person who bigs up my friends' achievements, so I find it hard to get my head around this. I'm presuming they are jealous or maybe feel threatened in some way? However, they live in houses similar to the one we are buying, so I don't really get it. Previously we were relatively less well off.

A couple of my friends have been very pleased and excited for us, but a close friend of mine could not hide her disappointment, written all over her face. She had nothing nice to say and instead asked how long our chain was (hoping it might not happen?). Another friend just avoided eye contact with me and did not say a single word for the whole conversation.

Another Mum, who I know more as an acquaintance, and who I will be moving around the corner from, just stepped away from the group, and kept her head down. I thought she had not heard that I'd be moving practically next door, so I mentioned it to her separately - and then her reaction showed she had heard, but did not seem happy about it. She does not know me very well but our sons are in the same year, so surely it's a nice thing that more school friends will be around?

WTF? Is this normal?

Is it possible some of them are experiencing financial trouble due to Covid? Seeing others doing well enough to move to a bigger house can be a bit of a sting if you're struggling to pay for yours.

There's probably more to it.

My best friend has just bought a house with her partner. I am absolutely gutted because I think she is making a massive mistake (long back story as I have a very strong suscipicion that he is a very bad and controlling egg).

She knows that I don't like him but probably also suspects that I am jealous. I really am not but she has become horribly materialistic since she has been with him.

I think for the most part it is not quite jealousy, but maybe they liked living in a bigger house. That it somehow made them ‘better’ and now you will be on an equal footing.

With the woman who you’ll be moving practically next door to she probably thinks it will be awkward. You say you’re acquaintances not friends so I would feel awkward if an acquaintance moved so close to me to be honest.

I suspect what you have interpreted as hostility or jealousy is actually indifference. I shouldn’t take it personally - people are pretty overwhelmed at the moment with the pandemic and everything else going on - not everyone will be able to find it within themselves right now to show unbridled enthusiasm for a school gate acquaintance’s house move, not everyone will feel like chatting about it.

I don't know what to make of the woman who will be your near neighbour, maybe she fears you will be overly friendly or doesn't want the kids running in and out of her house. Who knows? Play that by ear.

However the other friend who did not seem happy about your house is probably jealous and dissatisfied with their own. I (and husband) experienced the same with some people whom we liked and who liked us. They visited us when we moved and were miserable throughout the visit. You could have cut the atmosphere with a knife!

Some months later they moved to a bigger house which was absolutely lovely. When we visited them we were delighted for them.

We remained friendly.

People are odd. I hate jealousy, what's the point?

Are your children spirited @blarbed

😉

I have a couple of friends move into the village I live in and I was so excited. Wine nights, taxis home together, kids play together. So i think its really strange if a 'friend' wasn't happy you were moving closer... Have you said for years: I cant do this or that I cant afford it. We aren't going on holiday I cant afford it and then suddenly bought a big house and it sounds to your friends you were lying when you said you couldn't afford stuff? Otherwise they just aren't actually your friends as a real friend would be delighted you were moving closer.

I’ve had comments... rented 2 bed to mahoosive mega house...

Nobody’s said anything about the house itself but I have had the odd weird comment on other things

Like I lost my job, traumatic circumstances, I got little “how’s retirement treating you?” Comments.

I wouldn’t ever say anything like that

But hey, I’ve always found relationships with women to be a bit like a minefield

It’s truly disappointing tho, as I say, I’d be delighted for my friends

It's the village not you.
I once lived in a village that sounds a lot like yours, generally nice & welcoming but still very cliquey with a vast swathe of villagers whose families had been there generations enviously/jealously gossiping about others

I am excited by your move, OP - well done!

I would ask them. Just say 'did I pick up that people seem not to share my excitement that we are moving? Is there something I should know?'

Some people do let envy get the better of them. I know a few people who are also weirdly always happy about the success of some people they know, but are envious of other people's success. It's like they've decided there's a pecking order as far as they're concerned.

Jealous

Especially if you were frugal before - they liked you when you seemed poor

This has happened to me twice. Some work colleagues were as bad as friends. I think as a single mother with 2 x 2 I was expected to stay lowly and those who cared about status were quite miffed when I “ moved up” - twice. Some people were very rude.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

I am excited by your move, OP - well done!

I would ask them. Just say 'did I pick up that people seem not to share my excitement that we are moving? Is there something I should know?'

What a very strange post! Why should anybody be excited that op is moving?

This is why I actively discourage people from visiting my home. They completely change their opinion of me

@grassisjeweled

This is why I actively discourage people from visiting my home. They completely change their opinion of me

For good or ill?

You mention that you didn't have nice cars or holidays. I assume this extends to shoes, coats, botox, clothes, cleaner, landscape gardener, private tuition....

They think, on the back of all reasons I've stated here, that you are not worthy and will bring neighbourhood down.
Some (most) women are bitches. The better off ones are the worst.
Sorry x

I would ask them. Just say 'did I pick up that people seem not to share my excitement that we are moving? Is there something I should know?'

Please don't say this unless you want them to think you are obsessed and slightly crazy OP!

Some people just might not be very interested, but it would be odd to be unhappy. Are they definite friends, i.e. the ones you class as friends?

They are running a drug cartel/brothel and they're wondering how to keep everything on the lowdown when their new neighbour is someone who could decide to drop by unexpectedly.

Are you one of those people that are pointedly frugal? I have a friend who is very money conscious and will always point out how much she’s saved no matter what she buys.
She got a great deal on her house because if it although in truth she wouldn’t have been able to get it without her divorce. And she’s always going on about how much extra it’s worth now ( doubled in six years). It’s not that I ‘m pleased or jealous but that it’s not a lot of fun talking to her. Money has never been a prime motivation.

A family member accused me of this - she said I wasn’t happy enough about her house purchase so I must have been jealous. Truth was, the house they bought was like the 4th house they’d put offers on and pulled out of. I’d run out of enthusiasm by the time they actually bought somewhere. Have you been doing the same thing to your friends?

Op, i, like you, moved from one area to another. I then established , what i thought was a new group of friends, when my children started Primary. My children were in a primary in a village i did not live in but the next one along. This was due to admissions and spaces. All good so far.

Having moved far from home and not found our new "community" , where we were currently living , not particularly welcoming either, ( adverse to Londoners/Strangers) , we decided to sell up again ( second time in 3 yrs) and move to the village where the sch was.

We had "Mum" friends there, we knew people , we looked after their kids, we helped when they needed, we entertained at ours, we did everything to make friends and connections. They were all there, i was on the PTA doing all the shite jobs! We were working hard and building a new community of friends around us. Contributing to the community, childminding, hosting coffee mornings and dinners at mine, sch redecoration and charity projects etc.

We decided we would have a better chance of being happy and making connections and friends in that village where the sch was. Where the children were, where we were known and availed of.

Big mistake!

Reaction largely as you described. We thought we would have people around us, friends, neighbours, community. We were very wrong. Excluded, ignored and i was wendied!

Village people are odd, especially to those who are not native village people. There is also a huge chip on village peoples shoulders , if you can use money you have earned and accured elsewhere , within the country, to buy properties that are financially out of the reach of those who grew up in said village.

I suspect you have a child/children in primary. You like the the mums, the sch and the village and have innocently and genuinely mistaken their superficial exchanges for "friendships" , as you are so far away from your own family and friends.

These people are not your friends OP.

For whatever reason they are not happy with your elevation into their village. Is this Primary a feeder sch into desired secondary? Are you trying to make new friends to replace what you left behind?

Could you live in that village quite happily without sch gate mums interaction ? ( important as they are not yr friends and will probably go out of their way now to exclude you)

Will your new household exspenses allow you enough financial freedom to have a holiday and get out of said village at least once a year? Will you be happy in this village with no mum friends? Can you fulfil your days without social interaction? I think this is a scenario you need to plan for.

They are not your " friends"op.

I think you have invested more in them than they have in you. It sucks. 💐

Don't move to where you " think" you should be. Move to where you "know" you will be. x

'With the woman who you’ll be moving practically next door to she probably thinks it will be awkward. You say you’re acquaintances not friends so I would feel awkward if an acquaintance moved so close to me to be honest.'

Yes exactly this ^ I would feel the same.

If someone I hardly knew or hardly saw announced they were moving around the corner /next door I cant say I'd be thrilled about it and would think it would be awkward. I would also wonder why they had told me.