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Did having a baby make your relationship work?

223 replies

Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 20:44

Just that really. Recently pregnant after an on/off relationship and havent told him yet despite being month 5! But I am hoping this will make the relationship work and solidify it. Does this ever work? Am I completely deluded with hormones...I told my best fiends my plan tonight and she was pretty cutting and said it would last a short time and then fall apart and not to move in with him. She always has my back so I’m listening to what she’s saying but I’m also hoping there’s people out there that have made something work because of a baby. Anyone give me any positive stories?

OP posts:
Gooseybby · 30/10/2020 18:00

It's not lack of sleep, i coslept and got plenty of sleep. It was mainly the division of labour and who was paying fir thongs for me. Pre baby, i could work. Post baby, i could not as much as i had. Husband refused to work, refused to grow his 'business' (hobby -_- ) didnt lift a finger in the house, and his idea of childcare was to lean on his mum (which she complained to ME about!).

I ended up working myself to the bone, til my hair fell out and my periods stopped, trying to hold it all together. All i got from him was empty promises.

user1592512579 · 30/10/2020 18:04

I think your friend is right but tell him and see where it goes if that's what you want.

Persipan · 30/10/2020 18:06

At this point in time he is a sperm donor.
Not even that - a genuine sperm donor has made a deliberate, altruistic choice to assist other people in forming a family. This guy's completely unaware of what's going on.

(I have a donor-conceived child so I always get a bit touchy about the term 'sperm donor' being used in other contexts - people often use it to refer disparagingly to an absent father, for example, although I know that's not what you were doing here. Sorry, I'll shut up now!)

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Cheeeeislifenow · 30/10/2020 18:16

I think people need to remember that there is a vulnerable pregnant woman reading your replies. Go easy, I think op is at this stage more aware of why waiting 5 months was such a mistake, however it is done now and she needs to tell him and prepare for single parenthood. Op if he wants to co parent fab, but it's likely at this stage you will be on your own.

yelyah22 · 30/10/2020 18:20

Arguments could arise for lots of reasons, many of which could be do to do with how you raise your child - which you haven't discussed. How to parent, who's going to be contributing what financially, what hour plans for childcare are, who's doing night wakings and feeding, when or if to use nursery...?

If you move 2 hours away from your home and in with a man you barely know, away from your family and friends, with no knowledge of the area, how can you not see that would be an enormous strain on the already-scant relationship you have? You're very likely going to be lonely, hormonal, isolated from friends and family, feeling homesick and dependent on him, while navigating your potentially rekindled relationship.

I know that sounds doom and gloom, but it's enormously stressful for strong, secure couples who have a settled home life and know where their local baby groups are and have friends to pop in for a brew on the days you need support and a listening ear, and relatives to come round and do your washing up while you're exhausted, who've already planned their finances and how to raise their child well in advance. To do all of that with someone you don't know very well, whilst trying to rekindle a relationship, in an area you don't know, is so obviously fraught with pitfalls and potential resentment and difficulties.

Don't get your hopes up - he may be a wonderful man and it may be fantastic. But it is more likely to be very, very hard and you need to be prepared for him to be pretty angry about you not telling him.

yelyah22 · 30/10/2020 18:24

On a more positive note, I do know someone who got pregnant 2 months into seeing someone and they're now married with two children. So it's possible! But it's not the easy route, and neither of them had to move long distance.

Sunflowergirl1 · 30/10/2020 18:27

I'm afraid I can't think of anything else that would be worse for a relationship short of having a ten year affair!

Children test the most solid of marriages

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2020 18:35

@Lampshaets

When people say it is hard and pushes a relationship to breaking point, in what way? Sorry if I sound naive I just can’t picture it, not got experience of this and while I know there will be lack of sleep I can’t see why arguments would arise!
DS was unexpectedly a poorly baby. Months I'm hospital. 18 momths of in and out and operations. The idea of sharing that experience with a guy o barely knew? - living in hospital for months, literally not knowing of a baby would be coming home with us, that was hard and we'd been together 3 1/2 years, married, living together now etc.

Second pregnancy was twins. Oscar up nights crying that the babies hated me and just cried on purpose. O can't even describe the sleep deprivation. It's hard to even recall it. What will will he be like in those moments? Will he cook and clean and hold you or fade in the distance?

The reality is you're having pregnant and he is likely to feel decieved you've kept it from him. But of you want a relationship you need to be honest with him.

Don't give up your home and friend's and support to live in a strange city. Not in the middle of a pandemic.
Be honest about how the relationship portentously with months of no sex.
Make both of yours relationships with the baby and friendship with each other the priority

PostItJoyWeek · 30/10/2020 18:37

Don't move. Stay with your support network. If he chooses to be involved, great. If he pays the CMS, great. If he moves closer, lovely. If the relationship becomes strong over many months, lucky you. If you are with your network and he has to put effort into being involved then you'll be OK what ever happens. If you give up everything to move to him that's asking for trouble.

Tbh I'd be surprised if he suggested you moving in. I think it more likely that you are painted as the wicked witch of the west to his family, or he will quite likely refuse to believe it is anything to do with him.

tenlittlecygnets · 30/10/2020 18:41

Having a baby strained our relationship to breaking point - and we'd been married three years and had planned to have a baby.

You should really tell the father.

Don't rely on a baby to be a sticking player. Do you want to be with him? I'd suggest taking things slowly and don't make any rash decisions.

tenlittlecygnets · 30/10/2020 18:42

*plaster not player

Rose87777 · 30/10/2020 18:45

Me and my now DH conceived our DD when we had been together 6months. It was a huge shock and I went through a SERIOUSLY dark time when I found out and couldn’t see it working out at all. I actually almost broke up with him the weekend before I found out I was pregnant. That was 4 years ago and we are now happily married and our DS is 5 months. It depends on your personalities I think - we honestly didn’t find having a baby tested us that much at all to be honest if anything it made us fall in love with each other seeing how the other was as a parent. Congratulations OP, i really hope it all works out for you x

wingingit987 · 30/10/2020 18:51

I've been with my partner 7 years having a child put huge amounts of stress on about relationship.

Are you in a relationship with this bloke now?

LemonDrizzles · 31/10/2020 05:43

@Lampshaets how did it go? Did you tell him? What did he say?

Grimbot · 31/10/2020 16:18

DH and I had been together 7 years. We were rock solid, best friends, very happy together. Having Ds1 tested our relationship more than I would have thought possible.

I don’t want this to sound harsh but it doesn’t sound like you currently have a relationship with this man. If it fizzled out so early on I don’t think it’s meant to be. Don’t waste your energy trying to create a relationship with this man when you need to concentrate on yourself and your baby.

The first year of your baby’s life is the most exhausting, amazing, intense experience. I’d advise you to concentrate on your baby and building a good bond with him or her, with tie support network close by (very important. I am close to my family but physically at the other end of the country and it is hard) don’t move away from them. This is when you will need them the most.

I hope this man responds positively to the news but I’d brace yourself for the fact he might not be happy. Especially as he has not much time to prepare himself. If he wants to be an involved dad that’s great but I wouldn’t expect a relationship with him.

groutingqueen · 02/11/2020 22:12

@Lampshaets how did you get on talking with him?

Orangeblossom7777 · 04/11/2020 10:10

I can understand why the OP would not come back to be honest, given the negativity on here

KatherineJaneway · 05/11/2020 06:02

@Orangeblossom7777

I can understand why the OP would not come back to be honest, given the negativity on here
OP asked a question and people answered honestly. There's no point lying to the OP, doing a 'it'll be fine hun' line. It won't help her.
Dinosauraddict · 05/11/2020 06:17

So statistically the most common time for divorce is in the first 2 years of a child's life I believe. We have a young DS and had been together 10 years before he was born. We'd also been through a lot in those years including infertility treatment. It is still hard but I certainly haven't been considering divorce! Having our child made me love DH even more - I've seen what a great father he is, and how much of a team we are, even when things are hard. I hope things work out for you. Have you told him now Op as that definitely needs to be the next step! Thanks

Gremlinsateit · 05/11/2020 07:07

H and I were rock solid, together for years, fairly financially stable, both desperate for children. I love those kids to pieces but we have destroyed our relationship (the kids didn’t do it, our own inability to cope with the changes parenthood brought did it). Lack of sleep, massive increase in housework, constant need to tend to the kids, lack of free time, money issues, in law issues, worry about kids, effect on careers, you name it, it hit us like a truck.

Gremlinsateit · 05/11/2020 07:14

Sorry I meant to add - best wishes, and maybe see if you can speak to a counsellor to work through what you want to do next and what’s right for you.

And PPs - if she’s in month 5, that doesn’t mean she’s been keeping a secret for 5 months. And even if she had, that is her choice to make.

MissMarplesGlove · 05/11/2020 12:56

And even if she had, that is her choice to make

And the consequences from that choice are hers to bear ...

Namechange8471 · 05/11/2020 19:45

How old are you op?
Will this be your first child?
Are you financially secure?
Do you have a good support network?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to give the most accurate advice.

You've had a lot of good responses here, yes it may work out, but it probably wont. You need to be prepared to do it alone if needs be.

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