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Original poster

Did having a baby make your relationship work?

223 replies

Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 20:44

Just that really. Recently pregnant after an on/off relationship and havent told him yet despite being month 5! But I am hoping this will make the relationship work and solidify it. Does this ever work? Am I completely deluded with hormones...I told my best fiends my plan tonight and she was pretty cutting and said it would last a short time and then fall apart and not to move in with him. She always has my back so I’m listening to what she’s saying but I’m also hoping there’s people out there that have made something work because of a baby. Anyone give me any positive stories?

OP posts:

zeddybrek · 29/10/2020 21:25

DH and I were getting along very well for a number of years. We had a great understanding and we had always wanted children. Having had 2 DC has pushed us apart and to the brink. We have had to have counseling and have had to work really hard at our relationship with kids. Lack of sleep from a newborn and pestering toddlers can create a pressure cooker environment sometimes.

HotDiggidy2017 · 29/10/2020 21:25

I know a couple that had only been dating 3 months when they found out they were pregnant, they have made it work and have even had their second child. They’re just over 5 years together now and married etc. I’m not sure but I think they’ve had their ups and downs like any couple but it’s not unheard of.

On the opposite, I know a guy who had a one night stand and they found out she was pregnant and she kept it. They never tried to make a relationship work and have a co-parenting set up that really works for both of them.

Perhaps you will just have the let him know and see what his reaction is?

AliasGrape · 29/10/2020 21:26

@Lampshaets

alias I am hoping for that! I keep thinking maybe the lack of history is good in a way...it means there’s no bad background really if that makes sense.

I really wouldn’t want you to get your hopes up too high, like I say I think it’s a rare case.

You’re not going to know until you talk to him though lovely.

But also - my relative and his partner worked on being coparents first, he did everything at the mum’s pace and put what worked for her and baby first. He’s a good’un. If this guy of yours is too then he’ll do the same - he won’t expect you to move cities for example as he’ll realise you need your own support network at a time like this.

Hopefully you can work out a way to both be good, involved parents to your little one, I’d really focus on that rather than any romance between the two of you for now.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

airbags · 29/10/2020 21:28

Firstly I wish you lots of luck. It has been on/off for 8 months and you haven't yet admitted you are pregnant. How do you think he'll react? Is he in a good place right now (housing, financially, maturity etc) to have a baby? Sadly, 40% of couples say that they argue more in the first year after a baby, mainly about tiredness, shared responsibility, sex and money - and these are wholly relationships where a baby has been planned. I think that you may be lucky but it will take work and you'd need to ensure in the process that you're not compromising yourself in order to make a square peg fit in a round hole.

heartshapedfaces · 29/10/2020 21:28

Well you’re off to a pretty crap start by keeping the pregnancy a secret

QueenOfPain · 29/10/2020 21:28

You’re not “recently pregnant” if you’re 5 months in are you?!

Original poster

Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 21:28

When people say it is hard and pushes a relationship to breaking point, in what way? Sorry if I sound naive I just can’t picture it, not got experience of this and while I know there will be lack of sleep I can’t see why arguments would arise!

OP posts:

riotlady · 29/10/2020 21:29

I had been with my partner 4 months when I got pregnant with DD, total surprise. I think she made our relationship stronger and we’re still very happy, but we were very full on and in love from the get go- we were friends first and when he confessed that he was in love with me he moved in pretty much immediately.

aztecnik · 29/10/2020 21:30

Nor for me. He smothered me when 7 months pregnant.

Original poster

Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 21:30

How long had you been friends before? X

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2020 21:30

You've shot yourself in the foot by not telling him for so long, I believe. Don't be surprised if he is very angry about this, and may not even believe the baby is his.

Leflic · 29/10/2020 21:30

No.
But it made me incredibly happily and gave us the clean break I wasn’t able to manage earlier.
I also feel it made the relationship worthwhile. I loved him deeply and think something amazing came out of that.

titnomatani · 29/10/2020 21:31

No.

IWantT0BreakFree · 29/10/2020 21:31

In my experience, both personally and people I know, having children magnifies the relationship you've already got. Do you have a supportive partner who loves the bones of you and treats you as an equal? Then there's a great chance he will be attentive, committed, more loving than ever and every bit as involved and present as you are in your family unit. Got a guy who's a bit flakey, a bit distant, cheats/takes drugs/parties, doesn't seem super committed? Then don't be surprised when all those traits are amplified and before you know it he's disappeared and you're fighting him to pay for his kid. Or you're up all hours with the baby while he carries on like he's single and rolls in drunk at 2am then lies in bed until noon.
I think the fact that you've not told him about the baby despite being 5 months pregnant says it all really. Plus the other details i.e. not just that it's a VERY short, long distance relationship (and you therefore don't know him at all) but that you believe he would be unwilling to relocate and would expect the mother of his unborn child to uproot herself and be without a support network, when she is already vulnerable as a new mother and I'm guessing (apologies if incorrectly) would be financially dependent upon him.
In your current situation I would be preparing for single motherhood and would make damn sure that I was not reliant upon this man in ANY way, given that any support (financial, practical or emotional) could be withdrawn on a whim at any time. I would DEFINITELY not relocate and would ensure I had a solid support network independent of him. If you want to give things a go with him then go ahead, but be aware that if he walks you are completely unprotected. For the sake of your child, you need to plan for that eventuality.

YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 29/10/2020 21:32

not got experience of this and while I know there will be lack of sleep I can’t see why arguments would arise!

Because you are both more exhausted that you would ever believe is possible. But still you have to keep going. Pretty easy to get resentful.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2020 21:32

Good grief. There is nothing more stressful and exhausting than having a baby, even when you have a very easy baby. It changes absolutely everything.

hodgepodge21 · 29/10/2020 21:33

Definitely pushes relationships to breaking point. Imagine, you are both surviving on 3-4 hours broken sleep a night. You argue about who is doing more, who is tireder, who's turn it is to change a nappy, etc. You also might have a baby with reflux or colic, or you could suffer with PND. And not just that, you find you disagree about parenting styles and how to bring up the child. It's one of the most stressful things me and my husband have ever done together and we have been together 12 years. Not saying it destroys relationships but it does our strain on them.

namechange20202020 · 29/10/2020 21:34

Yes my friend got pregnant on the third date and they're very happily together 6 years on. But having said that he knew about the pregnancy from the start.

Why have you not told him?

pumpkinpie01 · 29/10/2020 21:35

Having a baby doesn't just make you feel a little bit tired, your whole body can ache with exhaustion and you can't even think straight sometimes you are that sleep deprived. So a little argument- whose turn is it to make tea for example , turns into a bigger argument . Bigger arguments build resentment . Honestly I wish you luck but be open minded and I wouldn't move in with him if I were you .

Billynomates33 · 29/10/2020 21:37

My best friend fell pregnant after 4 months. They're together 9 years later and happy so it can happen.

Me and dh were together a decade and it nearly blew us apart

bluebearss · 29/10/2020 21:40

What @Aquamarine1029 and @hodgepodge21 said.

People tell you having a baby is hard, but you don't realise how bloody hard it is until it happens - it's a huge shock, or was for me.

Tensions bubble over, you have no time for each other, sex and intimacy are the last things you consider at the end of the day, exhaustion, anxiety, arguments, whose turn it is to do this or that, who gets the most free time...

At the end of the day when my kid is in bed I have no desire to be touched, to talk or to do anything. I sit like a zombie in front of the TV because I am just done!

bluebearss · 29/10/2020 21:42

I realise I've made it sound like parenthood is awful - it isn't, it's bloody incredible. But it's also drudgery, exhaustion and tears interspersed with some beautiful highs.

AnotherEmma · 29/10/2020 21:44

"He will almost certainly suggest I move to him which would be a move from Birmingham to Leeds for me, which I don’t know if I am ready for. I know he is likely to suggest this as he will want to be part of baby’s life. We had conversations early on about values and he will feel embarrassed if he doesn’t live with the baby and there’s no way he will want to leave his own family who live within ten minutes of him."

What on earth?! You're pregnant, you're about to become a mother and you are going to be responsible for a child. You need to stop worrying about what he wants and start focusing on what you and your baby need. I can pretty much guarantee that means staying where you have a support network; your own family and/or friends. There's obviously no guarantee that any relationship will last, and this one is hardly tried and tested... can you imagine ending up in Birmingham in a rocky relationship or single?

Stay where you are. Let him move to be near you if he wants to be near his child. Give baby your surname.

By all means give the relationship a go but don't make sacrifices for him. You need to focus now and he shouldn't be your priority.

BingeOnChocolate · 29/10/2020 21:46

You need to tell him or that's absolutely no chance it will work even a smidge. He will rightfully feel hurt, lied to and shut out from having the opportunity to be there whilst you're carrying. Obviously if he's not bothered then he won't feel like that but from what you've said, you know he will be v

AnotherEmma · 29/10/2020 21:47

(To answer your question, I had a solid marriage and we struggled so much after having our first child that we seriously considered divorce. We spent a lot of time and money on couples counselling to get through it.)

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