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Original poster

Did having a baby make your relationship work?

223 replies

Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 20:44

Just that really. Recently pregnant after an on/off relationship and havent told him yet despite being month 5! But I am hoping this will make the relationship work and solidify it. Does this ever work? Am I completely deluded with hormones...I told my best fiends my plan tonight and she was pretty cutting and said it would last a short time and then fall apart and not to move in with him. She always has my back so I’m listening to what she’s saying but I’m also hoping there’s people out there that have made something work because of a baby. Anyone give me any positive stories?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 20:58

Thank you ginger x

OP posts:
RhymesWithOrange · 29/10/2020 20:59

No. It tested it to the limit and still does 12 years later. And we were married, and went through IVF.

If your relationship isn't rock solid then a baby will only make it harder.

peachypetite · 29/10/2020 21:00

Don’t be ridiculous.

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Families
Original poster
Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 21:00

I feel like I’ve been misleading about the relationship. It wasn’t rocky it was just long distance but we did like each other.

OP posts:
mum2bin2021 · 29/10/2020 21:00

I think you have to tell him ASAP if you have any chance of working things out. Keeping this from him is a huge thing, the baby is his as much as it is yours. The fact you're keeping this from him does not make me think you're in a happy, loving relationship. Your friend may be 'cutting' because she's not telling you what you want to hear but unfortunately she's right, a baby is going to be a huge strain on every area of your relationship for anyone. I wish you the best of luck and a healthy pregnancy

trunumber · 29/10/2020 21:02

I'm sorry but if this relationship had a chance of working you would have felt comfortable telling him you were pregnant. It's been 5 months and you haven't told him. That's not a great start to be honest

Cinderellashoes · 29/10/2020 21:02

You don’t have to tell him until you’re ready. In my experience having children brings forth all sorts of issues so if you’re on/off or Rocky to begin with it can make things harder. Whatever happens I’m sure you’ll be a brilliant mom! Good luck with your pregnancy.

Taciturn · 29/10/2020 21:02

I completely understand why you haven't told him - you had only known the guy for three months when ...bang! And then having decided to keep he/she, why tell him if it might not be viable....and then before you know it, before you have really some to terms with it, five months have passed.

Forgive yourself, it is completely understandable.

Unfortunately, I agree with other poster. A baby is testing even to very strong established relationships. He might not even be ready to be a father. Be gentle with him as well and accepting of his decision and the outcome.

FtmNov22 · 29/10/2020 21:05

Me and my babys father had not long been together when I found out I was pregnant. We were having relationship problems and arguing a lot before, we tried to make things work but it was more stress on both of us of trying so hard to make our relationship work. We split when I was 31 weeks pregnant, im now due in 3 weeks, best decision I made, a huge weight off my shoulders of trying so hard to make things work and make each other happy, he's since been a lot more supportive and shown more interest in the baby and we get along a lot better as just friends. I have said I want what is best for the baby and I haven't drawn the line completely and would consider trying our relationship again at a later date as I do still care for him and love him and he does towards me but right now it works better that we both put all our focus and energy into the baby and not have to worry about the stress of keeping each other happy and the energy that goes into a relationship.

MrsRogerLima · 29/10/2020 21:06

I would think it would be very very rare.

My DH and I are two halves of the same soul. Very strong relationship to begin with.

Having the DC has nearly broken us several times. It changes things immeasurably and I think you have to be really strong and committed to each other to survive those changes.

You don't have that history with this guy.

Bambooble · 29/10/2020 21:06

Rarely, babies are stressful and often test relationships to the limit. That said, it's not the case for everyone. The fact that you haven't told him yet though is the most telling thing, I'm not sure what you're expecting to happen if you are keeping this from him.

CherryPavlova · 29/10/2020 21:08

If you are hoping to get any support and recognition, you need to tell him. You are being entirely unreasonable not to have done so thus far.

Babies place huge stresses on couples usually. They’re not easy and if there isn’t a firm basis from where to plan and share in a decision to raise a child together, an unexpected baby from a casual relationship isn’t likely to end with a glass slipper fitting.

I would start building your local support network, both emotional and practical. Start looking at finances and accommodation and how to cope on a day to day basis. Do you have family who can help?

Pumpkinpied · 29/10/2020 21:09

Whilst you will get the outliers that do work you must know that they are very much the exception to the rule. Parenthood puts pressure on even the most solid of relationships, no one is saying it just to be mean. You should tell him. He has a right to know but be prepared that it might not lead to the outcome you're hoping for.

Original poster
Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 21:11

I know that he will want to give it a go as his siblings are all coupled up and he will not want to know he has a child who doesn’t live with him. He will almost certainly suggest I move to him which would be a move from Birmingham to Leeds for me, which I don’t know if I am ready for. I know he is likely to suggest this as he will want to be part of baby’s life. We had conversations early on about values and he will feel embarrassed if he doesn’t live with the baby and there’s no way he will want to leave his own family who live within ten minutes of him.

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ForTheLoveOfHalloween · 29/10/2020 21:13

I'm in a very strong relationship. Friends 10+ years. Together 5. Planned much wanted baby. Sleep deprivation and having baby put first by both of you. Plus huge change in lifestyle is very testing for even the strongest of relationships.

I've seen many marriages fall part due to added pressure of having a baby.

AliasGrape · 29/10/2020 21:13

Not that I feel I should have to justify that really

That’s a really strange thing to say - you’ll have to justify it to him at least! And I think the fact you haven’t been able to tell him up to now is a pretty big indication that what you’re hoping for won’t work - you’re not being honest with him, you haven’t been able to share this huge thing with him - that’s not a foundation for a relationship that’s likely to work really.

I have a relative who got a woman pregnant as a result of a short fling. They weren’t together through her pregnancy or when the baby was born, but spent a lot of time together as co-parents and did become a couple, got engaged, have a second child and ten years later still very happy. I don’t think the baby made it work though, I also think it’s incredibly rare for it to work out like that.

I have a 3 month old. I honestly have hated my husband at times in the last three months to an extent I’d never thought possible. And he’s a really good partner and dad, it’s just bloody hard at times.

mayflowerapplepie · 29/10/2020 21:15

I think keeping your pregnancy secret for so long would be even less likely to make this a successful relationship than it already was. If a relationship won’t work without kids it won’t work with them.
If you don’t tell him that is pretty shit

Original poster
Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 21:15

alias I am hoping for that! I keep thinking maybe the lack of history is good in a way...it means there’s no bad background really if that makes sense.

OP posts:
mayflowerapplepie · 29/10/2020 21:16

he will feel embarrassed if he doesn’t live with the baby

Well that’s a basis for a healthy relationship. Being embarrassed

Original poster
Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 21:17

may I mean it’s just not the done thing in his family. He will want to try and make it work I am sure of it.

OP posts:
Fatted · 29/10/2020 21:19

It won't end well OP.

Tell him by all means. But be fully prepared to be raising this baby alone.

trunumber · 29/10/2020 21:19

But now you sound like you don't want it to work? You don't want to move in with him, he won't move in with you? What's the real option here

Original poster
Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 21:20

I will consider moving in with him of course if he offers which I think he would. I’m just apprehensive and wanted to hear some nice stories I guess before I tell him tomorrow

OP posts:
Keha · 29/10/2020 21:21

I think the answer is generally no. However I've found that whilst it's been tough, having a baby has sort of shaken things up for us in a good way, and has made us both better people in some ways.

wishingitwasfriday · 29/10/2020 21:24

Where do your family and friends live? You will need their support so stay where they are. If you give it a go, move and then split up, you will find yourself stuck somewhere new with no support network. If he wants to be with you and the baby then he can move to you.

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