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Original poster

Did having a baby make your relationship work?

223 replies

Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 20:44

Just that really. Recently pregnant after an on/off relationship and havent told him yet despite being month 5! But I am hoping this will make the relationship work and solidify it. Does this ever work? Am I completely deluded with hormones...I told my best fiends my plan tonight and she was pretty cutting and said it would last a short time and then fall apart and not to move in with him. She always has my back so I’m listening to what she’s saying but I’m also hoping there’s people out there that have made something work because of a baby. Anyone give me any positive stories?

OP posts:
sabrinaq · 29/10/2020 21:47

I'm with the vast majority of posters OP. The chances of this baby enhancing your 8month long distance on / off relationship are extremely slim to 0.

Best advice is sort yourself out with the best support you can put around you and don't move somewhere new. If he wants to make a go of it he can move to you for the first year or two whilst you figure things out.

DP and I were together a decade and had IVF. We are the closest most loving soul mates you can imagine and had weathered so much together before DC arrived.

And it still put us under unbelievable strain. Exhausted, worries, anxiety, stress. From every angle it has stretched us. I know it's hard to imagine it but most people experience it this way.

LeslieYep · 29/10/2020 21:48

My friend started seeing a guy. They were both early 20's and she found out over half way through her pregnancy that she was expecting. They'd only been seeing each other about 8 months at this point.

They got married a few years later and now the child is late teens they're still best friends. However, now they're faced with the prospect of an actual relationship without the distraction a child brings and I'm not sure how it will turn out.

riotlady · 29/10/2020 21:49

@Lampshaets

How long had you been friends before? X
About a year I think.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
TheNewLook · 29/10/2020 21:49

I was with DH for 14 years before our first child arrived. Our relationship has changed completely as a result of having children. I think we are thoroughly different people now and the drain on your time together is overwhelming. I remember when I was pregnant with our first thinking I hoped it would change anything between us but I sort of knew it would...man, I didn’t have a clue how much!

That said, a friend of mine fell pregnant accidentally about six weeks into a new relationship! They now have three teenagers and appear to be solid.

So, who knows? 🤷‍♀️

sabrinaq · 29/10/2020 21:49

Also - don't underestimate the importance of involving him in scans etc. The bonding starts early.

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/10/2020 21:51

Welcome to single parenthood.

dmango · 29/10/2020 21:54

O goodness there’s a load of negative and I wouldn’t advise this but to add an opposing side ..my husband and I have been together over 30 years and fell pregnant after a similar period of time together so it can work 😌

TheNewLook · 29/10/2020 21:57

I wonder if not having a long history together can make you feel you haven’t lost so much by having children... You’ll only have known each other as parents really.

For me, I sometimes miss who we were pre-DC.

Ilovecheese53 · 29/10/2020 22:00

@Lampshaets

I haven’t told him as we were in an on/off relationship and I had only known him 3 months when I found out. Not that I feel I should have to justify that really.
You do OP. Because your hoping to get back with him. That’s wrong. Considering you hardly know him you should of discussed this once you knew you were pregnant.
OhioOhioOhio · 29/10/2020 22:02

Yes. It made me work out that their father was a lying, cheating, lazy, selfish bastard. Sorry. True though.

HarryLimeFoxtrot · 29/10/2020 22:03

Hi OP. When DD was conceived DH and I were on-off FWB. She’s 16 now, and we’re happily married (we also have a 14 year old DS). I don’t think I really expected it to work out, but I’m my case it did. So it’s definitely not impossible.

Figgygal · 29/10/2020 22:04

The fact you haven’t told him already really will end any ideas of happy ever after.

Stop living in your head about happy families and moving in together you barely know him by the sounds of it Tell the man ASAP and think practically

Ilovecheese53 · 29/10/2020 22:07

I only know one couple that got pregnant within the first month and they are still together 10 years later and with 2 children.

I wouldn’t advise anybody that. Relationships are hard work and babies are even harder work it will put even the strongest relationships under pressure.

Before I fell pregnant I would say my relationship was fabulous how it went downhill after having DS I was with him for a few years prior.. I can’t even tell you OP. We are now not together we hung on for a few years and split in the end.

TableFlowerss · 29/10/2020 22:08

I’m agreeing with the majority. It won’t make a volatile relationship strong, because it makes even the strongest relationships challenging.

There’s no point in people lying and you’ve obviously made your decision but it’s likely you’ll end up on your own when the novelty wears off. I think your friends right and she knows the ins and outs

Good luck though

AnneTwackie · 29/10/2020 22:08

My DH started a proper relationship with a girl he was seeing casually when she got pregnant. He is a really good man and she’s lovely too, they have both tried hard to make it work but have both ended up quite unhappy, lonely and resentful. They have nothing in common and don’t seem to enjoy each other’s company. I think you can make it work but whether that’s the right thing to do for the rest of your life is another question.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2020 22:08

You’re not together now, live miles from each other and you’ve sat on the news you’re pregnant for 2 months. It’s not a relationship. What if he’s with someone else now?

LunaLula83 · 29/10/2020 22:11

No. It killed ours off

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/10/2020 22:14

Having a baby is not going to magically solidify a hot/cold relationship.
I have a friend that tried that. Five times. She had a baby every few years to “save her marriage.” After five babies and twenty years, she is divorced.

So, while it can work and the relationship can solidify it would be through the two of you working together and not because of a baby.

Veterinari · 29/10/2020 22:14

@Lampshaets

may I mean it’s just not the done thing in his family. He will want to try and make it work I am sure of it.
But not enough to move to you? Only enough to drag you away from your support network when you're at your most vulnerable?

You were in a LDR. Birmingham-Leeds isn't that far, if you really liked each other one of you would have moved.
You don't feel comfortable talking to him.
He'll want to try and force a relationship because he's worried about what his family thinks, not because he loves you i and wants to raise a baby with you.

All massive red flags. Do not move to him and give up your support network. Do not give the baby his surname - you'll spend your life with a child who doesn't share your family name and it will make travel, medical admin etc much more difficult.

MrsRogerLima · 29/10/2020 22:15

Sorry op, I don't wish to upset you but you have behaved appallingly.

It is clear that you have waited until your at a stage where he would be crass to suggest termination.

Knowing that (or at least being pretty certain that) he will not want to lose face with his family and therefore stick with you out of duty.

Is that really what you want? Someone who only stays because he feels a duty to you?

If he had wanted to be with you he would have made it happen, long before now.

My DH dropped everything and moved cities to be with me because we wanted to be together.

You need to plan to have this baby alone and really work on your self worth.

chickychicchic · 29/10/2020 22:15

Maybe if you had told him straight away but now he's not got long to get his head round it and will be hurt.
I hope it works out ur what's most important is putting the bag first. If he wants to try it has to be on your terms and on your turf because you need your local support and baby needs stability

MJMG2015 · 29/10/2020 22:19

@Lampshaets

I know that he will want to give it a go as his siblings are all coupled up and he will not want to know he has a child who doesn’t live with him. He will almost certainly suggest I move to him which would be a move from Birmingham to Leeds for me, which I don’t know if I am ready for. I know he is likely to suggest this as he will want to be part of baby’s life. We had conversations early on about values and he will feel embarrassed if he doesn’t live with the baby and there’s no way he will want to leave his own family who live within ten minutes of him.
That may be so, but it's not all about what HE wants, it's about what's best for you & your baby, not him. If he wants to make a go of it, he can buy/rent in Birmingham

It fizzled out because there wasn't enough between you to make it worth the effort LD requires.

You'd be bloody mad to give up your support/home & everything else to move to him. You've known him 5 minutes.

You need to plan this as if he'd said he wasn't interested. Plan to be a single mum with your baby. IF he decides to move nearer to you and wants to be part of the baby's life. Great - if he's consistent & supportive of you.

Junjulaug · 29/10/2020 22:19

Hi OP, 10 years ago I was you. I think you have been given some pretty sound advice by pp. I’d been dating a guy from the other side of the country for 3 months when I fell pregnant. We weren’t in love and I didn’t think (prior to knowing I was pregnant)that the relationship was a goer. I left my friends and family and moved jobs to live with him. My job was easily moveable, his was London based - I really don’t think I would have moved just because he wanted me to. As pp have said having a baby is like a bomb going off. Imagine that bomb going off in a strange place with no support network. Parenting is hard. Parenting with someone you barely know is harder. Holding a relationship together on top of all of that is the fucking hardest thing I have ever done. I don’t think our situation was helped by the fact that we both had full on demanding careers, and whilst he wanted me to give up my job after mat leave (and could support us) I refused to (which was a source of arguements in itself). We are still together, married and have another child, quite how I’m not entirely sure. I know, for me anyway, when things have been really bad Ive looked at other couples I know well and been comforted by the fact that they are also having a tough time, so our tough time isn’t because we didn’t have a fairy tale romance. We actually get on really well when the DC aren’t around (my DM had them this week and we’ve had a great time Together, even though both WFH), but children add such a strain. I don’t know any other couples that would have stuck the bad times out as much as we have. I can even say that given the same situation again I’d uproot and move. Sure give it a go. DO NOT give up your job, and don’t expect it to be easy. Feel free to PM me if you would like more details or just some support from someone who has been there. Congratulations on your pregnancy x

imabusybee · 29/10/2020 22:20

I wouldn't say you have a 'relationship' currently if you haven't seen him for months and only saw him for a couple of months? How do you know he isn't in a relationship with someone else?

I would be planning to be a single parent in your position, tell him ASAP and any financial or other contribution he offers to make to his child is a plus because its certainly not a given.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2020 22:22

How do you know he’s definitely alive, single, in the country?