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Original poster

Did having a baby make your relationship work?

223 replies

Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 20:44

Just that really. Recently pregnant after an on/off relationship and havent told him yet despite being month 5! But I am hoping this will make the relationship work and solidify it. Does this ever work? Am I completely deluded with hormones...I told my best fiends my plan tonight and she was pretty cutting and said it would last a short time and then fall apart and not to move in with him. She always has my back so I’m listening to what she’s saying but I’m also hoping there’s people out there that have made something work because of a baby. Anyone give me any positive stories?

OP posts:

dreaming174 · 30/10/2020 10:35

My husband and I were SOLID before a baby. Blissfully happy after 12 years together. Then we had a baby and things changed.
We're OK but we will never be how we were.
No a baby won't fix your relationship and it sounds FU if you haven't even told him you're pregnant.

VodselForDinner · 30/10/2020 10:42

And, whatever you do, DO NOT give the baby his surname.

Even if he wants to make a go of it, moves to your hometown, and promises to buy you a pony.

BuffayTheVampireLayer · 30/10/2020 10:44

I think you're being very naive OP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

WhenTwoBecomeThree · 30/10/2020 10:50

A baby does NOT fix a relationship. Me and DP have been together a few years, we have an almost one year old DD now. It's testing and you have to try and reconfigure a relationship as you figure out parenting, it's a whole new way of working together. Your time just you two is now spent revolving around this new little human, you are both tired beyond anything you've ever felt, it's stressful, it tests the strongest of couples.

Gooseybby · 30/10/2020 12:05

Nope, ruined it. I thought we were solid but having a baby highlighted how selfish and lazy my partner was.

orangeblosssom · 30/10/2020 12:09

Makes relationships harder.

Flushi · 30/10/2020 12:11

Me and my exP were very happy before becoming parents. Having children showed the cracks in our relationship, when DC2 was born we just couldn’t make it work any longer. We’d never really discussed how we would parent, both just assumed we were on the same page as we had been with everything else. But we parented very differently and it eventually lead to our relationship breaking up. Of course that doesn’t happen to everyone, but I don’t think babies make many relationships stronger. Other relationships are just strong enough already to deal with the difficulties, others aren’t

Orangeblossom7777 · 30/10/2020 14:30

Having babies strengthened our relationship and we got married a few years after having our first.

DH had been put of by family members saying about all the negatives but turned out he simply loved it. And it wasn't like a 'bomb' either, it was fine, did co-sleeping and he was really supportive.

So, it is not always the case we are all different

InkieNecro · 30/10/2020 15:23

Just wanted to reiterate a point from a pp. If you move to Leeds and it doesn't work out, he can stop you moving back to your family and friends in Birmingham. Even if he is unsuccessful in stopping you, you will be spending hours and hours in the car or on public transport every single week ferrying baby to and from contact.

Do not move.

Muddybuddy · 30/10/2020 15:25

@Lampshaets

I haven’t told him as we were in an on/off relationship and I had only known him 3 months when I found out. Not that I feel I should have to justify that really.

I get this but you’re posting about the baby making the relationship work. Keeping it a secret will NOT make the relationship work and could in fact destroy it

Ilovecheese53 · 30/10/2020 15:58

@Orangeblossom7777

Having babies strengthened our relationship and we got married a few years after having our first.

DH had been put of by family members saying about all the negatives but turned out he simply loved it. And it wasn't like a 'bomb' either, it was fine, did co-sleeping and he was really supportive.

So, it is not always the case we are all different

OP isn’t in a relationship and never was. Had you only known your now husband on and off for 3 months?

It’s not impossible but even from what OP has wrote it sounds like a fairy tale... talking about moving in I mean I wish her well but I don’t think posters should make it like it’s a common thing just because it could go in her favour.

Noitjustwontdo · 30/10/2020 16:34

This happened to one of DH’s best friends years ago when he was 19. He’d been having a fling with a girl for a few months but they broke it off and he didn’t hear anything from her until she turned up on his doorstep a few months later with a huge bump telling him she was pregnant and the baby was his. He was absolutely furious, he didn’t want anything to do with her at all. He did come around to the idea once the baby was born and the DNA test came back but he didn’t want anything to do with her at all. He’s married to someone else now with another child and has regular contact with his son but he’d never have trusted the first child’s woman.

I can see similar happening here tbh. You have kept this a secret for months, the poor guy is going to be shocked beyond all measures. I doubt he’s going to want to make a go of things when you’ve lied by omission for 5 months.

I can see why a woman would keep it to herself until she made a decision on the pregnancy but you decided to keep it and still didn’t tell him. You’re now expecting him to fall in love with you and live happily ever after. It probably isn’t going to happen, sorry.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 30/10/2020 16:34

It’s not impossible but even from what OP has wrote it sounds like a fairy tale... talking about moving in I mean blush I wish her well but I don’t think posters should make it like it’s a common thing just because it could go in her favour.

Yeah we don't live in Disney or rom com films unfortunately

Noitjustwontdo · 30/10/2020 16:36

Really should have proof read. He’d never have trusted his first child’s Mum not woman! And I shouldn’t have referred to her as a girl, she was an 18 year old woman at the time.

HotToCold · 30/10/2020 16:36

Having children tests the relationship.
It could break it not make it
IMO

Orangeblossom7777 · 30/10/2020 16:37

We had know each other a few years I suppose. But all I'm saying is don't write it off just due to others' experiences. Everyone's different.
Best of luck OP

UnconvincingUsername · 30/10/2020 16:53

No babies really don’t make a relationship work. The experience of looking after a small baby tends to rest even the strongest relationship.

You have no idea quite how resentful you can feel watching a man you otherwise adore snoring away, getting full nights of sleep while you’re up with the baby. Or how angry you can feel when he gets home and, rather than relieving you of the baby you’ve been unable to put down all day, decides he needs to go to the gym/play videogames/anything else to ‘wind down and relax’. Or any of the many other things that can make you plot his murder. And that’s with a really solid base to the relationship.

Your friend is right. Don’t move in with him because of the baby. This is a man you so far haven’t felt comfortable enough with to share the news of your pregnancy (at 5 months in). Definitely don’t move to another city for it.

By all means continue trying to build a relationship even with the new circumstances. But there’s no reason to jump in to cohabiting etc when you haven’t even gotten to the stage of thinking about it as a proper relationship at all yet. That could only be a recipe for disaster.

And you don’t even know what he’ll say when you tell him. You are just guessing at this point.

Enjoy the pregnancy. Plan to co-parent if you can. And maybe the relationship will grow in time.

groutingqueen · 30/10/2020 16:55

Congratulations on your pregnancy @Lampshaets

I'm glad you're speaking to him about it. He deserves to know. Re the relationship, I think i you can ask people's experiences but ultimately whether it works out depends on the two of you.

If you have the same values and want it to work then it will work. How much work that requires is down to the You. If you're half hearted about it then it won't work.

What is your situation at home? Do you have your own house? If so then I wouldn't give that up just yet. I wouldn't necessarily not live with him, but if you own your property, I would rent it out or something. What support network do you have around you? You mention where he lives and his network but tbh it will be you that needs the support. Where can you get that from? Do you know his family? Like them?

You'll be absolutely fine. It might be a bit bumpy but hey, who's life isn't? Just remember that no decision is set in stone. There is always the opportunity to change the status quo

Calmingvibrations · 30/10/2020 16:57

When people say it is hard and pushes a relationship to breaking point, in what way? Sorry if I sound naive I just can’t picture it, not got experience of this and while I know there will be lack of sleep I can’t see why arguments would arise!

think of everything you like doing. Now imagine not doing any of it.

MissMarplesGlove · 30/10/2020 17:04

But I am hoping this will make the relationship work and solidify it

A good friend of mine was manipulated into fatherhood this way. Normally, I think blokes should be responsible for their sperm, and where they put it, but in my friend's case I knew that his on/off girlfriend tried to "fix" the relationship by getting pregnant, without consulting him.

Needless to say it didn't work. but made him responsible for a child at a time when he wasn't planning to have a family.

I think you've been at the very least, foolish, and at the worst, manipulative.

lazylinguist · 30/10/2020 17:06

There's also the fact that at least with fairly long-established couples, they've usually had plenty of couple time before they have a baby. Whereas if you got together properly with him because of the baby, you'd a) be skipping the exciting, carefree honeymoon period and launching straight into the sleepless nights and not having enough time for each other bit and b) doing it for practical reasons rather than because either of you was desperate to be together. I can't see it working OP, sorry.

lazylinguist · 30/10/2020 17:10

It's not just about sleep. It can be about post-birth hormones, disagreements about parenting, division of labour in terms of childcare, jobs and housework, lack of intimacy, lack of couple time and time on your own, pressures from family wanting to see the baby... and lots more! And all this with someone you don't even know that well really.

MissMarplesGlove · 30/10/2020 17:24

OP did you & he discuss having children? Did you tell him you were trying to get pregnant? What discussions did you have about contraception?

While he should have taken responsibility for his own fertility, it sounds as though you've made some decisions that involve him, without consulting him.

If this is the case, I think you've probably got very little chance of "making your relationship work". I think you should prepare for single parenthood.

Pumpertrumper · 30/10/2020 17:39

he will feel embarrassed if he doesn’t live with the baby

Not as embarrassed as when he’s watching you shit yourself/ vom everywhere and have your fanny stitched back together in the delivery room

It’s the least glam thing you’ll ever do, the idea of having a virtual stranger watch makes me cringe! I think it takes most men a while to recover, even with their wives/partners of years.

I’d suggest taking your DM or a friend into the delivery room xx

willowmelangell · 30/10/2020 17:45

@UnconvincingUsername talks with experience.
At this point in time he is a sperm donor. Romantic ideas about moving in together, well someone is going to have to pay for a living being. Harsh reality going from single bloke to financially responsible when he didn't sign up for it.

I hope this talk goes well for you and baby.

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