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Original poster

Did having a baby make your relationship work?

223 replies

Lampshaets · 29/10/2020 20:44

Just that really. Recently pregnant after an on/off relationship and havent told him yet despite being month 5! But I am hoping this will make the relationship work and solidify it. Does this ever work? Am I completely deluded with hormones...I told my best fiends my plan tonight and she was pretty cutting and said it would last a short time and then fall apart and not to move in with him. She always has my back so I’m listening to what she’s saying but I’m also hoping there’s people out there that have made something work because of a baby. Anyone give me any positive stories?

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 29/10/2020 22:24

I married my first husband simply because I was pregnant, we divorced extremely acrimoniously and 35 years later I still refuse to speak to the dickhead.
After I left him it was just so much easier being a single parent.

trunumber · 29/10/2020 22:29

If you have support where you are, please please please don't move in with him. Especially not in lockdown when you might find yourself really isolated, vulnerable and essentially living with a stranger

Regularsizedrudy · 29/10/2020 22:29

How old are you? You sound very naive. It might work out it might not, but you haven’t exactly given it the best start by keeping it secret.

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Families
Pollaidh · 29/10/2020 22:31

I had a colleague who got accidentally pregnant in the first few months of a relationship, and they stayed together and got married (lasted 6+ years so far). As far as I know it was a solid, if very new, relationship, they'd known each other a while as were colleagues, very similar, etc.

For everyone else I know, having a baby is, as PP have said, like a bomb going off. I'd been with DH for 7 years before DD, we were solid, and we sort of staggered through the early years of children, with little time for each other though we put in a lot of effort to still have dates etc. Things didn't even out until DD was about 8 and DS 4!

Bbub · 29/10/2020 22:37

Please don't uproot your life to move to be with him. You need YOUR people around you when you have a baby, not his. If he wants to see his child he will have to move or visit.

It may work out or it may not, as pp have all said, but to be a good and happy parent (whether in a rship with the dad or not) you will need to work out what works best for YOU and how to prioritise your needs. Good luck op, hope for the best but prepare for the worst as they say..

OnlyToWin · 29/10/2020 22:40

It did work out for a friend of mine - pregnant after a few months of casual dating - still together over six years later. It worked out well for them but really it doesn’t matter how it works for anyone else - only you and the father of your baby will or won’t make it work. Wishing you good luck OP and congratulations on your baby.

OnlyToWin · 29/10/2020 22:42

Also, from my point of view having a baby was a magical time in our relationship. Yes it was hard work but it was also amazing both failing in love with the same little person.

OnlyToWin · 29/10/2020 22:43

Baby #2 was when it got real and not so magical!! 🤣🤣

VodselForDinner · 29/10/2020 22:46

Having a baby in an unstable relationship is unlikely to improve matters.

Lying to someone about carrying their baby for five months will definitely not paper over those cracks.

Noti23 · 29/10/2020 22:52

I was with dp for only a year when I fell pregnant. We had a rocky relationship at the start. Having a baby (after the first couple of months or so) calmed things down and we’re a team now. But he has good family values and I knew he and his family would be supportive from the start. Equally, we became very close and supported each other well during lockdown while other couples were falling apart. Ds is 2 now and our relationship is better. I wouldn’t be rushing to have another baby as I know this was the exception rather than the rule.

mrspotatohed · 29/10/2020 22:56

My baby is 9 months and my relationship is hanging on by a thread.

fibeee · 29/10/2020 23:00

@Lampshaets

When people say it is hard and pushes a relationship to breaking point, in what way? Sorry if I sound naive I just can’t picture it, not got experience of this and while I know there will be lack of sleep I can’t see why arguments would arise!
OP there is lack of sleep and then there is complete exhaustion where you feel like you’re losing your mind. The later you can’t even imagine until you’re in the middle of it. Some babies are great sleepers and some refuse to sleep without being held or rocked and wake up on the hour every night looking fed and settled back to sleep.

Combine that with the stress of a looking after them during the day, paying for them, a pandemic and a partner having to go out and do a day’s work and you have a relationship tested to it’s limits.

I had a baby 7 months ago with my partner of 7 years and it has shone a light on cracks I didn’t even know were there. My baby is just all-consuming and some days it feels like an achievement if I have a shower.

My advice OP would be to stay with your support network and have him come to you if he’s serious about making the relationship work. Being on your own with a baby all day is very isolating never mind being 100s of miles from home.

Cauterize · 29/10/2020 23:10

We had been together for ten years before having a baby and yes, it nearly broke us. Divorce was discussed many times. We’re out of the other side now (6 yrs on) but we decided not to have another child, because we knew our relationship wouldn’t cope under the strain.

To answer your question about how arguments can arise. Basically it boils down to resentment, competitive tiredness, losing all semblance of your old life, no freedom, possible post birth trauma (injury/PND). All whilst dealing with a baby who may not sleep well and may well scream - a lot. It does take you to the edge of sanity at times and often the woman does end up doing the lions share.

I’m sorry I can’t paint a more rosy picture but no, in the vast majority of cases, a baby does not make a relationship stronger.

ExclamationPerfume · 29/10/2020 23:19

Having our two children was the most trying times of our 24 year relationship. We have never argued so much before or since. You have to tell him it's very unfair to keep it from him. Don't expect everything to be rosy.

Woui · 29/10/2020 23:20

Why haven't you told him yet ? How do you think he will react knowing that you haven't been truthful with him.

Having children can be unbelievably stressful.. money, tiredness, pnd, sex, new routines, people not pulling their weight etc..

Greenhairbrush · 29/10/2020 23:28

Yes. It’s made it have to work harder. Much harder. That’s with 12 years under our belts aswel.

Thesearmsofmine · 29/10/2020 23:41

Yes sometimes it can work out. DH and I were FWB when DS1 was conceived, he will be 10 next month and we are happily married with 3dc.

However he knew about the pregnancy from the moment I found out and we used the early months of pregnancy to decide what we would do and to make plans. I also knew that if things didn’t work out, I had a good support system in place.

I think you have been very unfair in keeping this from him for such a long time.

Doyouavocado · 29/10/2020 23:49

Honestly I think your hang out of order for not telling him, what makes you think he would even want to get back with you after keeping this massive bombshell from him. This is a massive deal emotionally/financially that you have had months to get your head around. You have to tell him ASAP Jesus

WoobyWoo · 29/10/2020 23:58

I had only been with dh for six months when I found out I was pregnant and we are still together and happy just over 12 years later. I think we actually coped better than friends who had been together a long time as we were both still very much in the initial attraction phase and were kind of on best behaviour and wanting to impress each other still. Even on no sleep there were none of the little resentments and irritations you build up over the years. Luckily for me though he is a thoroughly decent man and we both really wanted it to work out. What do you want from this situation op? Have you been in touch with him at all?

S00LA · 30/10/2020 00:05

How can you move to Leeds if your job is in Birmingham ? What about your child care ?

IdblowJonSnow · 30/10/2020 00:06

I guess its possible?
My DH and I were at breaking point a few times but managed to get through it.
My advice would be not to move on with him even though that might seem practical in many ways re helping with the baby.
I hope he turns out to be a good dad and supportive to you.

katy1213 · 30/10/2020 00:25

If you only knew him for three months, it wasn't a relationship to start with. There isn't any basis to build on. You're not even sufficiently friendly to break the news to him. It's tough - but you need to get your head out of the clouds.

lilmishap · 30/10/2020 00:33

It makes a relationship (fun and an addition you choose) into a seething mass of hatred and resentment.
How would you feel if I told you

"hey babe four months from now you're stuck with me OR you're the kinda person who abandons their kids, No I removed any choice you have because i want you stuck with me."

That is really crap. He doesn't owe you anything it's a new relationship and you've deliberately entrapped him.

lilmishap · 30/10/2020 00:35

Why are you not thinking about the parents your baby will have?

He can't be, you haven't told him.

lilmishap · 30/10/2020 00:37

@Lampshaets

I haven’t told him as we were in an on/off relationship and I had only known him 3 months when I found out. Not that I feel I should have to justify that really.
WTF? Why should you not have to justify that? In his shoes I would be DEMANDING an explanation. Because women you don't want bringing up your baby do that shit. Women who want to bring up a baby WITH you do not do that shit.