Did having a baby make your relationship work?

[Lampshaets]

Just that really. Recently pregnant after an on/off relationship and havent told him yet despite being month 5! But I am hoping this will make the relationship work and solidify it. Does this ever work? Am I completely deluded with hormones...I told my best fiends my plan tonight and she was pretty cutting and said it would last a short time and then fall apart and not to move in with him. She always has my back so I’m listening to what she’s saying but I’m also hoping there’s people out there that have made something work because of a baby. Anyone give me any positive stories?

You want to move in with him?

BEFORE OR AFTER HE KNOWS YOU ARE TOO FAR GONE TO ABORT HIS BABY?

This is deceitful as shit. It's not okay.

When people say it is hard and pushes a relationship to breaking point, in what way? Sorry if I sound naive I just can’t picture it, not got experience of this and while I know there will be lack of sleep I can’t see why arguments would arise!

He knows you're a liar. About the most important things. Get the rosy glasses off

Babies cost money too. Someone has to be with them at all times. You don't choose to have babies with a woman who lies, how does he know it's his? You lie about this you'll lie about anything

Wow.
Believe the 100% of people who have commented about the change in a relationship who are telling you that having a baby can put a strain on the most solid, long term, happy relationships.
Then take a long hard look at yourself. Do you really think that not telling him about the baby when you are 5 months pregnant is a good way to even try to start a relationship with him ? No-one can be that naive surely.

Some relationships survive despite having a baby early in, not because of it.

I found it made my relationship even stronger, but it was a long relationship and a happy marriage long before.

If things work out with you both, great, if not, well you and your baby will have eachother, and there are plenty of happy single parent families out there. But you do need to tell him asap.

And even in the strongest of relationship, babies often mean bickering. you've been up every hour, and just got back to sleep when he starts snoring. Or he gives you a lie in, but then walks in the room to get clothes, waking you up. Bickering about who should do the chores when you are both knackered. Having different ideas about the distribution of chores/looking after children when one of you works and one is on maternity. Resentment because he gets to still go out with friends by the baby acts as if it's being murdered if you aren't constantly there. So many little resentments can arise even when you deeply love eachother.

OP,

Expect him to feel extremely manipulated.

You chose not to tell him so he may chose to say this is your situation.

Having children is like a bomb being dropped on your life, even when you love the baby, you are feel well after the birth, you have a great supportive partner and no money concerns.

It is a huge change.

You don't know this man, you have an idea of who he is.

Packing up to move to where someone you barely know lives with a baby is not wise.

I would lower your expectations and expect to be a single parent.

I really hope you have lots of support IRL and a good job to help you through your choice.

Good luck.

I did actually laugh out loud when I read your comment about not understanding what would cause arguments! I don't mean to pile on OP but are you serious?!

Our DD is 6 months old and we have never argued so much. Who is more tired, who is doing enough, who should be getting up, never getting a break, no time for each other, conflicting commitments to various things, never having enough time in the day. Seriously it's tough going and me and my husband have been married for 5 years and together for 9.

A key conflict for you is obviously going to revolve around working and money to support the baby. If you move I assume you might need to ditch your job and many men become very resentful very quickly about suddenly shouldering the majority of the bills. This is a pinch point for most couples around how to split the work/ home balance in terms of who does what. You guys are in no way prepared for this as it's never even been discussed and he doesn't even know you're pregnant.

This isn't going to be the fairy tale you think it is I'm afraid.

@Lampshaets I met someone and within a few months fell pregnant, we both still lived at home with our parents.
We bought a house and now have 2 DCs. It was extremely hard and there are still testing times. But it has worked.

The hardest thing is the clash in parenting styles.

The longer you leave it, the more angry he might be and non-forgiving

But it can work, good luck.

I hope telling him goes OK and that you are Ok. It's a difficult situation to be in and maybe you anxious feelings around it have made it really hard for you to tell him. Do you know what's been going on in his life the last few months? Xx

I mean, it could work out, but if it does it'll be by luck not design.

For a start, you haven't even told him upto now so he has the whole idea of becoming a parent to get used to in less than half the time most people get, all because you chose not to tell him. Whilst he might feel an obligation to make a go of things with you (you seem pretty convinced of this, I'd be less sure personally), it doesn't change the fact you've lied by admission and he didn't even like you enough in the first place to make something of your "relationship" because he's already lost contact with you/let things fizzle out.

Add to all that, babies put even the strongest relationships under unbelievable pressure. Sleep deprivation. The sudden, overwhelming sense of responsibility you have for another person. Hormones, especially in the early days. Readjusting your view of what being a parent would involve and realising you might have completely different views on how to do things than the person you decided to have the baby with, so you have to work a way through that.

My advice OP, would be to tell him, ASAP. He has a right to know. But after that, let go of your frankly naive happy-ever-after dream. If you have family and friends to support you where you are, STAY there. It's the best way to ensure you get through the early days of being a mum with your sanity still intact. Don't leave that behind for the fantasy of making a go of things with a man who ultimately you barely know, regardless of whether he suggests it or not.

Be open to him having contact with the baby and if after the dust settles you both decide you want to make a go of things, do it gradually and without any sudden moves. You'll have this baby together for the rest of your lives, if it's meant to work out it will.

Is it possible? Yes. Is it likely? Sorry but no.

Also you've not told him about the baby. He will most likely be very shocked and angry at such deception / omission.

You need to live where you have a support system, not where he wants so he can 'save face'. Also just because you move to his area, doesn't mean he'll want a relationship with you. Sorry to be blunt but he could easily date and marry while you live down the road with your baby.

Our relationship is pretty rock solid.

Having our first kid definitely stretched our relationship a bit. But we recovered.

No, OP, having a child together will not strengthen a weak relationship. It will make it worse. And what an expectation to put on a baby.

Giving the usual strong MN reminder NOT to give the child his surname. Also, be prepared for his friends and family not to welcome or warm to you. They'll feel suspicious about the '5 month' thing on his behalf. They may urge him to get a DNA test.
Don't move to his area if you want to see friends and family regularly. He can visit you at weekends for the first year.
Also, unless you've stayed at his home several times recently, be prepared that he may be seeing someone else. How did you meet him and when was the last time you saw him? If you saw him 3 months ago, not telling him might make more sense. If you saw him two weeks ago, he'll think you lied by omission.
Good luck with the baby.

Sorry but no. Dating is fun. Babies are hard hard work. Stress tests even the strongest relationships. Not telling him for 5 months isn’t going to help either. Just focus on you and the baby. Good luck

I think your friend is right, don't move in with him. Both relationships got worse after birth for me.

It sounds as if you are single in reality. So you got pregnant by accident I assume before you had formed a real relationship with the father? You probably owe it to your forthcoming child to tell the father/maintain contact with him, as the child has the right to know who their father is.

Yes it's deluded and more than a little selfish to bring a child into this shit show

There are quite a few red flags here OP. All I can say is I have no idea whether your relationship will work out, sometimes it does but it’s certainly not the norm.

There are a few things you must absolutely not do. Don’t uproot to be with him, and think very carefully about naming him on the birth certificate - Pretty sure he can be added later, but removing him if he turns out to be an arse is nigh on impossible.

You don’t really know him well enough to have any idea what he will be like. And you need to put you and baby first.

We were fine before having our son. We're fine now too, after a year. It was a Rocky first year and we were prepared and planned to become parents. A baby doesn't fix things.

@Lampshaets

I know that he will want to give it a go as his siblings are all coupled up and he will not want to know he has a child who doesn’t live with him. He will almost certainly suggest I move to him which would be a move from Birmingham to Leeds for me, which I don’t know if I am ready for. I know he is likely to suggest this as he will want to be part of baby’s life. We had conversations early on about values and he will feel embarrassed if he doesn’t live with the baby and there’s no way he will want to leave his own family who live within ten minutes of him.

Absolutely don’t do this. If you split and want to move back to your support network in Birmingham, he could try to stop you. And if he is ok for you to go, it will be your responsibility to ferry your baby to and from Leeds for contact. That could be every week.

If he wants to be with you and your baby that much, he can come to you. Plenty of work in Birmingham. More than Leeds.

You are the one growing the baby and you will be his / her primary carer. You do not know this man at all. He could prove lovely or a big wanker. The fact your instincts are telling you he would expect you to uproot your life to facilitate him to have a relationship with your child does not bode well for any kind of future relationship with him.

Bottom line, I do not think this man is not in to you. As it fizzled out, it sounds like you are very much an ex for him. One thing for sure, you need to tell him today.

@DianaT1969

Giving the usual strong MN reminder NOT to give the child his surname. Also, be prepared for his friends and family not to welcome or warm to you. They'll feel suspicious about the '5 month' thing on his behalf. They may urge him to get a DNA test. Don't move to his area if you want to see friends and family regularly. He can visit you at weekends for the first year. Also, unless you've stayed at his home several times recently, be prepared that he may be seeing someone else. How did you meet him and when was the last time you saw him? If you saw him 3 months ago, not telling him might make more sense. If you saw him two weeks ago, he'll think you lied by omission. Good luck with the baby.

Ah yes, good point.

Traditionally the baby has the mother’s name. Stick with tradition. You can decide whether or not his name goes on the birth certificate.

Never understood ppl who think having a baby will help to strengthen a failing relationship. Do it and find out but I'm pretty sure you'll be in for a big shock

I would say it has tested our relationship hugely more than solidified it. We were very solid but I would say in the last few years we have had far more problems due to the pressures of young children. Our children have been bad sleepers and had some health problems though so quite stressful but I think we are possibly stronger now as a result.

I’ve only read the ops posts
I was pregnant within a few months of being together and it has worked. Not been easy there have been some rather large bumps in the road at times but we were both on board with the relationship and child. I do know other people who had been together a long time and the relationship didn’t survive the baby.
A baby is like a bomb going off as others have said. If you lived nearer to each other the chance of success would be greater as you’d have your support network

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him and more importantly yourself, having a child is not going to make life easier, it will test the strongest of relationship.

This is not a relationship, he was/is someone you saw occasionally. The fact you have got to being 5 month pregnant and not mentioned to him says a lot about the state of your relationship.

Stop jumping the gun, don't think about moving to where he lives, you have no idea if he evens won't to be in a relationship with you let alone want to live with you and a baby. This is not about him/you or your relationship this is about a baby and what you need to do for them.