Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I’m a grown arse woman who spent the whole of dinner feeling bullied and did nothing about it

215 replies

Parcelle · 25/10/2020 10:20

And I’m fucking furious with myself Angry

I’m not a shrinking violet by any means and I KNOW I need to let it go but I was so confused I didn’t do or say a thing and now I’m kicking myself I let my meal be ruined by two absolute pricks.

DP booked a table at a lovely “posh” restaurant in London for our anniversary. I was veering on the side of caution re my outfit so dressed up rather than down and felt comfortable but also hoped I looked nice.

We were seated at a table next to two men. One slouched in what I presume he thought was some kind of insouciant manner all over his chair and the other gave me the most obvious up and down bitchy look as I was being seated.

I took my coat off and had it next to me on the seat and one of the men leans over and says “oh you do know this is the kind of place that has hangers hunny, you don’t need to leave it there”. I just smiled and thought right ok and asked the lovely waitress to hang it for me when she came back.

The second man then did the most obvious wide eyed stare at his friend, looked sideways at me and grimaced and started giggling like a teenage girl. Then then openly giggled and spoke behind their hands for the next 5 mins. It was so clear they were talking about me, my face was burning I just wanted the floor to open up. DP asked me if I was ok but hadn’t noticed what was going on.

I got on with eating my starter and the “leaning” man was pretty much lying down on the bench seat now about 6 inches from me scoffing and talking openly about everyone who walked past his table with his friend giggling and laughing. Someone they knew stopped by their table and again the side eye and up and down look from the first man at me and more grimacing and giggling.

I just wanted to leave. I don’t know why the fuck I didn’t just ask him what his fucking problem was, I’m so angry at myself.

They left after their mains and gave me a “oh by the way lovely dress sweetie” as their parting shot. DP had cottoned on my this point and just looked at me like WTF.

I’m so upset with myself for letting myself be made to feel 2 inches tall by two complete pricks Angry

OP posts:
WitchesSpelleas · 25/10/2020 11:35

They must have been having a really boring evening if they were reduced to watching whether other people hung their coats up or not.

feesh · 25/10/2020 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MyPersona · 25/10/2020 11:40

@Smallsteps88

Op has not referred to what she thought their sexuality appeared to be.

No. She hasn’t. She didn’t need to.

By setting up lazy and offensive stereotypes. Either second time poster or name changed. Hmm
gamerchick · 25/10/2020 11:41

It's easy to say or think what you would do in the same situation. But when we're faced with men like this it's hard to break out of our conditioning. Our instincts are not to inflame a man's temper so we don't say anything and yet wish we had have done later on. Same as telling our partner who we love and don't want to spoil his night also. It's shit and it's hard to break out of that mindset.

These men are arses. I've found that people who bully have quite a shit emotional life.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 25/10/2020 11:42

I had a similar experience when I was with my ex.
We were on a coach going to a ski resort and this total hooray type was leaning over me with his armpit in my face talking to the couple in the seats in front in a high pitched whine and so loud that everyone in the coach knew he has skied at Verbier, Trois Valle' Crested Butte blah blah.

My ex poked him in the ribs and the fella just looked at him in a condescending manner. My ex then stood up from the window seat and got hold of the top of his arm and stood him in the gangway away from me saying, "get your armpit out of my wife's face'. The bloke looked around at everyone and said, "Difficult man". My ex was a man mountain that had wrists like my thighs and he was up and out of his seat and eyeball to eyeball with this twat so fast. Fella meekly sat down when he saw the size of him.
As we were leaving the coach my ex saw this fellas car keys that had dropped onto the seat and he quickly pocketted them saying, "Karma baby". He hung them in his shed as a good luck charm. : )

Some people have egos the size of planets.

nevermorelenore · 25/10/2020 11:42

Sound like drunken idiots. Hopefully they've woken up with beer fear and are embarrassed about their actions.

I had an awful experience the other week where some teenagers were giggling about me being fat. Like my mere presence was hilarious to them. It really really sucks when you want to go back in time and tell them to fuck off!

midnightstar66 · 25/10/2020 11:43

If you'd have said anything you'd just have fuelled their fire and given them what they were hoping for. Take solace that they were mocking everyone and it's unfortunate you were just closest so got a bit more of it. I'd not give them another thought.

PuppyMonkey · 25/10/2020 11:44

Loving the idea they would have to be coked up to do this and this isn't a regular occourance for women...

Now ordinarily I’d be the first to agree men can be twats to women but I can honestly say that I’ve never encountered this kind of weirdness in a restaurant. Confused

Wildflower219 · 25/10/2020 11:44

What absolute pricks. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope it didn't ruin your anniversary too much. People like that have no real true friends and they probs bitch about each other aswell. I have no doubt that you probably looked gorgeous and you and your husband are happily married and in love that's all that matters. Would you of felt any more comfortable if you had of made a scene I think not as other diners wouldnt know what's going on and would look at you both. Hold your head high your a thousand times better than them I don't even think you can argue with people like that who sit there and judge others they don't know it would of been a waste of your time. I recommend a second anniversary dinner somewhere else to make up for this one being spoilt by those pigs. Have fun WineFlowers

RickOShay · 25/10/2020 11:44

@weaselwords
You are so right, helpful words. @Parcelle the shame is all theirs.

Jenasaurus · 25/10/2020 11:46

@Parcelle

I don’t think they fancied me at all, not sure I was their sort Grin

DP was completely fucking blind to it other than mentioning the way he’d been pretty much lying down on the bench when they left

When he made the comment about it being the sort of place with hangers you should have said - you do know this is the sort of place with chairs and not beds dont you.
RunBackwards · 25/10/2020 11:47

Ah so these men are simultaneously nasty lecherous women haters and bitchy gays? Grin

I hate these threads where people assert that this is "normal" and a daily experience for most women. I've worked with men my entire life and eaten in very many nice London restaurants and I have very rarely witnessed it.

It is awful for you though OP but as others have said, says far more about them than you. It doesn't matter what you were wearing, it's an appalling way to behave, but am I the only one dying to know what sort of dress could provoke such a reaction? I'm sure you looked lovely whatever it was OP and I'm sorry your evening was spoiled.

Teddybear27 · 25/10/2020 11:47

First of all I’m sorry your special evening was ruined by two extremely selfish and immature men. It is very easy to say I should have done this or that, hindsight is a wonderful thing I think in the circumstances I may have been asked to be moved if that was possible but I see you have already put that they were unable to do this. Sounds like the restaurant is not following guidelines...

Sodamncold · 25/10/2020 11:50

All very odd
Them odd
Your DP odd
And well... just all odd

Smallsteps88 · 25/10/2020 11:50

Ah so these men are simultaneously nasty lecherous women haters and bitchy gays?

Are the same people who are saying they are lecherous, saying they are gay men? Because other than the lecherous, it’s entirely possible to be a nasty woman hating bitchy gay man you know.

halfmoonfullmoon · 25/10/2020 11:51

@ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley

I had a similar experience when I was with my ex. We were on a coach going to a ski resort and this total hooray type was leaning over me with his armpit in my face talking to the couple in the seats in front in a high pitched whine and so loud that everyone in the coach knew he has skied at Verbier, Trois Valle' Crested Butte blah blah. My ex poked him in the ribs and the fella just looked at him in a condescending manner. My ex then stood up from the window seat and got hold of the top of his arm and stood him in the gangway away from me saying, "get your armpit out of my wife's face'. The bloke looked around at everyone and said, "Difficult man". My ex was a man mountain that had wrists like my thighs and he was up and out of his seat and eyeball to eyeball with this twat so fast. Fella meekly sat down when he saw the size of him. As we were leaving the coach my ex saw this fellas car keys that had dropped onto the seat and he quickly pocketted them saying, "Karma baby". He hung them in his shed as a good luck charm. : )

Some people have egos the size of planets.

Hmm your ex sounds like more of a wanker in this scenario
Henio · 25/10/2020 11:52

Shame you didn't trip and tip some red wine over the fuckers

Artandlove · 25/10/2020 11:52

Nothing to do with you OP, it’s them who were the problem. Like you said they were doing it to others. It’s a good thing you didn’t rise to it, I’m sure it would’ve made them worse if you had spoken up. Sorry your meal out was ruined.

Whatwouldscullydo · 25/10/2020 11:54

I used to work in a pub. 2 in fact.

I had no idea about the sexuality of most the customers. I can indeed confirm that lecherous behaviour to bar staff/waiting staff is rife.

So much so they feel they can actually approach you outside of work if the bump into you in a different pub.

They can also be incredibly crude amongst themselves so not far fetched to say it could easily happen to other customers. In fact I did on one or two occasions prevent someone from spinning someones drink with a shot.

Never underestimate.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 25/10/2020 11:55

oh by the way lovely dress sweetie

Channel Elvira Mistress of Darkness When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you

It sounds like thir trying to be bitchy but think they're funny like Julien Clary or Tom Allen but with nowhere near enough wit or class Hmm

MessAllOver · 25/10/2020 11:55

You didn't do anything wrong. There's no duty on you to confront idiots like this. My response with people like this is to give them as little headspace as possible. So ignore, ignore, ignore, unless they make it difficult to do otherwise. They don't deserve your attention, angry or otherwise. If they cross the line of what you're willing to ignore, though, public embarrassment is the best approach. So ask the waiter to call the manager and loudly accuse them of harassing you.

gingerwhinger0 · 25/10/2020 11:56

I imagine that the way they've made you feel is a glimpse into how they feel about themselves all day everyday.

Happy people make others feel happy and misery likes company, be grateful you're not them.

OwlOne · 25/10/2020 11:57

Sadly there is no shortage of damaged people who use putting down others to make themselves feel better. It's crap but it's not rare.

At least these people aren't regular fixtures in your life.

OwlOne · 25/10/2020 11:58

@gingerwhinger0

I imagine that the way they've made you feel is a glimpse into how they feel about themselves all day everyday. Happy people make others feel happy and misery likes company, be grateful you're not them.
Operating out of your authentic self no matter who you're with is a trigger to some who are operating unknowingly out of their false self. They don't have the awareness to understand that authenticity is what's triggering them.
Sodamncold · 25/10/2020 12:00

@ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley

I had a similar experience when I was with my ex. We were on a coach going to a ski resort and this total hooray type was leaning over me with his armpit in my face talking to the couple in the seats in front in a high pitched whine and so loud that everyone in the coach knew he has skied at Verbier, Trois Valle' Crested Butte blah blah. My ex poked him in the ribs and the fella just looked at him in a condescending manner. My ex then stood up from the window seat and got hold of the top of his arm and stood him in the gangway away from me saying, "get your armpit out of my wife's face'. The bloke looked around at everyone and said, "Difficult man". My ex was a man mountain that had wrists like my thighs and he was up and out of his seat and eyeball to eyeball with this twat so fast. Fella meekly sat down when he saw the size of him. As we were leaving the coach my ex saw this fellas car keys that had dropped onto the seat and he quickly pocketted them saying, "Karma baby". He hung them in his shed as a good luck charm. : )

Some people have egos the size of planets.

Honestly

Your ex comes across as the unpleasant one in this scenario. Deeply unpleasant

Swipe left for the next trending thread